Not sure if he is over his ex wife

[Tree12345]

So I met a guy a year and a half ago. When we first started dating he said he was divorced. However, I found out he didn't divorce until around a month we were together. We continued our relationship but he was still asking his ex wife to do paperwork for him. He did this twice even though I offered to help him. One day he was having a conversation with his friend in front of me and he brought up that his ex was the only good lady he ever would have.  I found it strange his ex moved to the small town I lived in and then wanted to move out of state after a while where him and I were moving. I still think he talks to her while at work and has changed his settings so notifications won't appear unless the security code is entered. I now live with him in another state but I'm thinking of going home. 6 months back he did mention that his ex wife said he left her and their son for someone else which was me. So I get a strong feeling something was still going on. What do you think? 

[SooSad33]

You moved out of state and in with him?  is there a reason you did this so fast?

I'd say they are still somewhat involved... kinda sounds like he's still dependent on her for some things.  But, not sure why? ... Can't totally let go? ( when a couple splits up, can take some time for BOTH to totally let go, move on ). Is the Transition, which can be a bit challenging.

AND, to say what he did to his friend... wow 😕 .  wth..

So, IF his ex was the 'only good one he'd have', why did they split? ( as you think it was over you?).

 

 

[LaHermes]

21 minutes ago, Tree12345 said:

he brought up that his ex was the only good lady he ever would have. 

And he didn't appreciate her when he had her. An old story.  I can recall this minute one case exactly the same.  

[Wiseman2]

22 minutes ago, Tree12345 said:

 he was having a conversation with his friend in front of me and he brought up that his ex was the only good lady he ever would have.  he did mention that his ex wife said he left her and their son for someone else which was me.

Sorry this is happening. Do you live together? How old is he? How old is their son?

Does he pay child support or have visitation with his son?

He may stay in touch regarding their son, however he has lied to you about several things and made this remark about "the only good lady" and that alone is a reason to reconsider going any further with him.

[Tree12345]

1 hour ago, SooSad33 said:

You moved out of state and in with him?  is there a reason you did this so fast?

I'd say they are still somewhat involved... kinda sounds like he's still dependent on her for some things.  But, not sure why? ... Can't totally let go? ( when a couple splits up, can take some time for BOTH to totally let go, move on ). Is the Transition, which can be a bit challenging.

AND, to say what he did to his friend... wow 😕 .  wth..

So, IF his ex was the 'only good one he'd have', why did they split? ( as you think it was over you?).

 

 

Yes, I now live out of state with him. We just moved in together after a year and 4 months together. I'm not sure if the reason they split was because of me. If I would have known I would never have any relation with a married man. He does bring up that he had no choice and she left him. The reason that she left was because he worked too much🤷. He said they weren't living together for 9 months before we met. I still find it hard also because we met on a dating site and his profile is still up. I helped him delete it in the past but somehow it was up again with the same profile pics. He told me he is not sure why it's up again and the dating site isn't deleting it as he has tried to get it off.

[SooSad33]

3 minutes ago, Tree12345 said:

. He does bring up that he had no choice and she left him. The reason that she left was because he worked too much🤷. He said they weren't living together for 9 months before we met

Yeah, not sure if the dating site is a major concern, as I know many who remain on them, occasionally taking a stroll, even when involved...

My concern is the fact that SHE left.  She walked away due to her issue's with him. In which case, caused him to feel hurt in this, as it was not him who left. ( therefore some underlying emotions etc remain).

Do you truly feel okay here?  Do you feel he is all in it with you?  Do you feel appreciated etc?

 

[Tree12345]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. Do you live together? How old is he? How old is their son?

Does he pay child support or have visitation with his son?

He may stay in touch regarding their son, however he has lied to you about several things and made this remark about "the only good lady" and that alone is a reason to reconsider going any further with him.

Thank you! Yes, we live together out of state from where we lived and his ex currently resides. He is 43 and his kid is 9. He has visitation and the kid comes to our place and he pays child support.  I understand that he needs to communicate with her regarding the son. But the other stuff was unacceptable. I told him if it happened again I was done. 

[DarkCh0c0]

5 minutes ago, Tree12345 said:

He said they weren't living together for 9 months before we met. I still find it hard also because we met on a dating site and his profile is still up. I helped him delete it in the past but somehow it was up again with the same profile pics. He told me he is not sure why it's up again and the dating site isn't deleting it as he has tried to get it of

More lies... He is the one putting his profile out there.

I do fear he's not over her since she dumped him, and I'm fearing you're his rebound.

What he's said about her tells you clearly that he's not over her. I mean, what about you? Aren't you his great lady NOW?

[Tree12345]

1 minute ago, SooSad33 said:

Yeah, not sure if the dating site is a major concern, as I know many who remain on them, occasionally taking a stroll, even when involved...

My concern is the fact that SHE left.  She walked away due to her issue's with him. In which case, caused him to feel hurt in this, as it was not him who left. ( therefore some underlying emotions etc remain).

Do you truly feel okay here?  Do you feel he is all in it with you?  Do you feel appreciated etc?

 

I'm thankful to get your advice. This has been weighing on me.  I feel okay other than he may still be talking with her behind my back. I know talking about the kid is acceptable. I feel appreciated and he tells me every day and he treats me good. He mentioned they seperate before for a couple months in the past and then got back together. I guess I'm kind of afraid that might happen again.

[Tree12345]

4 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

More lies... He is the one putting his profile out there.

I do fear he's not over her since she dumped him, and I'm fearing you're his rebound.

What he's said about her tells you clearly that he's not over her. I mean, what about you? Aren't you his great lady NOW?

That's exactly what I was thinking.i feel like the rebound.  He did mention he doesn't like to be alone so I feel he has me feeling a void.

[SooSad33]

It is possible, IF they still have lingering feelings or just don't feel 'it's done'..yet 😕 .

But, fact is.. even if they do again.  Most often it will fail, again.  Due to lost feelings, pains of their previous BU's, etc.. and whatever's caused the repeated BU's, is never resolved.. so it's an ongoing spin.. no good.

What they need to do is just be done!  Get over it and be sure they are ready to be involved again.

If you fear this stuff, then I guess trust has become an issue now?

 

[Tree12345]

Yes, trust is an issue. I feel he already lied  about being divorced when I met him. So I can imagine what else he would lie to me about. I brought up the fact to him last night that I believe he still has to have that connection to her( other than the kid stuff) he got upset and went to sleep. Today he only text me once and said his cell service was bad at work today 🤔. Another strange thing is he bought me some shoes that I usually don't wear but when I met his ex she had the same pair but a different color. He gave me access to his work email and I seen 2 years ago he sent her a link for the same boots he bought me last summer. I know this sounds crazy but I kinda struggle with all this. 

[Rose Mosse]

Just make sure you're on birth control. If you're questioning the relationship, don't bring a child into this. I suggest you separate if you're unsure about him and date. It sounds like he started dating you before he was ready to date anyone seriously. You may have been a rebound or other woman.

[Tree12345]

 

Rose Mosse

Yes most definitely. Thank you for the advice. I appreciate it.

[SooSad33]

12 minutes ago, Tree12345 said:

Another strange thing is he bought me some shoes that I usually don't wear but when I met his ex she had the same pair but a different color. He gave me access to his work email and I seen 2 years ago he sent her a link for the same boots he bought me last summer. I know this sounds crazy but I kinda struggle with all this. 

Ahh, so he's portraying her onto you, his 'new' woman.. Wow 😕 .  Nope, not good.

 

[DarkCh0c0]

42 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

Ahh, so he's portraying her onto you, his 'new' woman.. Wow 😕 .  Nope, not good.

 

Exactly!

OP what you just mentioned is crazy. He wishes you were like her! He's not really in love with you. He even lied at first!

You have proof, and I'm sure he won't admit that he's not over her her. His words say something, but his actions confirm something else.

I'm sorry. You know what to do.

[melancholy123]

I think it's time to plan on moving to somewhere far away from him.  Too much drama and many red flags.

[Lambert]

Trust your instincts. Some people never really get over an ex... they use others to pass time or so they won't be alone. 

I dated a guy that was not over his ex and in the end it was only myself I could blame because I didn't want to accept what I knew was true. Never again. When you discover one lie, it's like roaches. There's tons more you don't know about. 

Do yourself a favor and dump this loser. 

[Tree12345]

Hi Lambert,

I appreciate your advice. I had this feeling for most of the relationship. It just seemed off for some reason and I thought it was just me. I'm starting to see it more that it isn't me.

[Rose Mosse]

22 minutes ago, Tree12345 said:

Hi Lambert,

I appreciate your advice. I had this feeling for most of the relationship. It just seemed off for some reason and I thought it was just me. I'm starting to see it more that it isn't me.

No, always trust your instincts. If you're not sure give yourself a timeline and then make a decision. Life is short. Don't live this way indefinitely especially if something is not right to you.

[Lambert]

48 minutes ago, Tree12345 said:

Hi Lambert,

I appreciate your advice. I had this feeling for most of the relationship. It just seemed off for some reason and I thought it was just me. I'm starting to see it more that it isn't me.

It's never you. Because you are you. You decide for you.  it makes no difference what other people think or do in their relationships.  You have to live with yours. 

If you decide blue eyes are a deal breaker, then they are.  You don't need anyone to agree. 

[Tree12345]

On 8/26/2021 at 3:03 PM, Lambert said:

Trust your instincts. Some people never really get over an ex... they use others to pass time or so they won't be alone. 

I dated a guy that was not over his ex and in the end it was only myself I could blame because I didn't want to accept what I knew was true. Never again. When you discover one lie, it's like roaches. There's tons more you don't know about. 

Do yourself a favor and dump this loser. 

Update: So I told him I wasn't that happy and he tells me you should leave then. I tried telling him why I was unhappy regarding his ex and he called me crazy. I gathered all my belongings and moved out the next morning. I seen his true side.

[Lambert]

15 minutes ago, Tree12345 said:

Update: So I told him I wasn't that happy and he tells me you should leave then. I tried telling him why I was unhappy regarding his ex and he called me crazy. I gathered all my belongings and moved out the next morning. I seen his true side.

Wow. As heartless as his actions must feel, letting you go is the best he can do. 

I am sorry.  I know you expected better of him. I felt that way of my ex, too. 

He can't admit to himself he's a user and won't change. So he'll never admit it to you. 

Pride... it is all his pride, 'you should leave.'  Like it's his great idea. 

it's like no you dumb donkey, I'm telling you, I'm out the door.

Good ridden! 

I hope every person considering moving in with someone reads this. makes sure you're moving in for the same reason they think you're moving in. 

More and more.  It seems one person thinks it's a step in their  relationship's progression with deep meaning. Meanwhile, the other person is just looking for a roommate. 

Hang in there girlfriend... no matter what, you did the right thing.  Where you living now? you ok? ❤ 

[HeartGoesOn]

On 8/26/2021 at 2:21 PM, Tree12345 said:

Thank you! Yes, we live together out of state from where we lived and his ex currently resides. He is 43 and his kid is 9. He has visitation and the kid comes to our place and he pays child support.  I understand that he needs to communicate with her regarding the son. But the other stuff was unacceptable. I told him if it happened again I was done. 

Since past behaviour is the strongest indicator of future behaviour, I'd wouldn't stick around for the next round.

That said, he'll likely go on to finding better ways to cover his tracks.  Quit while you're ahead, you'll thank yourself later...

ETA, I missed seeing your last reply.

[Tree12345]

39 minutes ago, Lambert said:

Wow. As heartless as his actions must feel, letting you go is the best he can do. 

I am sorry.  I know you expected better of him. I felt that way of my ex, too. 

He can't admit to himself he's a user and won't change. So he'll never admit it to you. 

Pride... it is all his pride, 'you should leave.'  Like it's his great idea. 

it's like no you dumb donkey, I'm telling you, I'm out the door.

Good ridden! 

I hope every person considering moving in with someone reads this. makes sure you're moving in for the same reason they think you're moving in. 

More and more.  It seems one person thinks it's a step in their  relationship's progression with deep meaning. Meanwhile, the other person is just looking for a roommate. 

Hang in there girlfriend... no matter what, you did the right thing.  Where you living now? you ok? ❤

Thank you! I came back to my hometown. I'm glad I still had my house to come back to. I'm doing okay just a little hurt although it will pass.  It was all a learning lesson for me.