What should I do

[Ellie48]

Hi,
I met my boyfriend 8 months ago through a mutual friend. I’m 48 and he’s 46, we’re both Christians. He’s previously married for 28 years i what he has described as a toxic relationship including infidelity. I was single for many years after my relationship with my sons father ended, this was an abusive relationship. 

My current partner and I had a nice connection on our first date and both indicated we would like to see each other again. From there we went in regular dates, picnics, coffee, movies, walks and spent lots of time talking and getting to know each other.  We have common things we both enjoy doing together and things we like doing apart. During this time it seemed like our feelings for each other were growing at a similar rate. During this time he asked me to be his girlfriend officially with a view to seeing if we are compatible to get married.

Since then we spend a lot more time together and both enjoy doing everyday life together eg making meals, housework etc. We have both said we see a future and a life together as a married couple. 

There have been a free times during our relationship where I have felt uneasy about things in terms of trusting him. This has become a bone of contention. At one point I discovered he was online dating. At first he denied this but later said it was him and he only went on because I don’t trust him and he wasn’t sure he could see a future with me. 

We recovered from that and he reassured me it wouldn’t happen again. Its been difficult for me to completely trust him since then and again it has become a bone of contention in our relationship. 

We continued talking about how our future might look in terms of managing/ blending finances and where we could live eg. his place, my place or buy a new place together. While we’ve talked about we haven’t reached a consensus or made any specific plan. 

He began voicing that while he would like a future with me my lack of trust is an issue for him and he doesn’t want to make a commitment unless I fully trust him. 

Recently a few things he said and a shift in his interest in our relationship led me to think he maybe online dating again.  An dating website link also appeared in his google search history, this apparently may or may not mean he’s searched or visited the site. I believe I have found a profile belonging to him on a dating website but cannot prove that it is his. 

I’ve asked him directly if he is online again or is open to meeting someone else. He’s told me he’s committed to me and our relationship and isn’t online dating. I feel quite uneasy inside and I’m not convinced he’s being truthful. 

He’s also told me he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with me if I don’t completely trust him and he will have more how he feels if there are no trust issues in my part for the next month. 

I’m actually pretty upset and feel like I’m on borrowed time, and that he wants this time to line someone up to move on with. 

I feel powerless, and I don’t know how to respond to this. I feel uncomfortable about it but also don’t want to fo something that could ruin our relationship. I’m so confused…

Please help. 
Ellie 







Sent from my iPhone

[Batya33]

Did he find out you were snooping in his computer? Also it's really bizarre that he justified cheating on you or trying to cheat because he didn't feel trusted or that he could see a future with you.  If he felt that way he could have ended things first, then sought a new partner.  Right?  I think he's right -you don't trust him. I think you're right to have questions about his loyalty.  Without trust what's the point?

[DancingFool]

28 minutes ago, Ellie48 said:

At one point I discovered he was online dating. At first he denied this but later said it was him and he only went on because I don’t trust him and he wasn’t sure he could see a future with me. 

^This is where you should have dumped him instantly.

Your gut has been screaming at you for long time, which is why you can't trust him. You looked and found that you were right. His response was to gaslight you and shift blame on you for his cheating or attempting to.

This is the sort of thing where you call it a day and walk away and don't look back. I don't care how great other aspects of this relationship are. Understand that cheating is a form of abuse and you've already been in an abusive relationship once. Don't repeat the mistake again.

Consider also how he is treating you at the moment - making demands while dangling the marriage carrot in your face and simultaneously threatening you that if you misstep, it will be your fault you aren't getting what you want. This is early stages of abuse - getting you used to doing what he wants and making you the bad guy. It's subtle, but also not so subtle. Just because someone isn't screaming at you or beating you....yet....doesn't mean you should ignore manipulative behaviors like this.

You are learning the hard way that in his marriage, he was the toxic cheater, not his wife. She left, you need to run fast and far just as well.

[Ellie48]

Thanks for taking the time to respond Batya33. Do you think there is anyway to resolve their do we can continue our relationship positively. How should I respond to him, what should I say? 

[Ellie48]

Thank you for replying DancingFool. In the case of following your advice what will I say to him? 

[DancingFool]

I'd just tell him that we are not compatible and keep it very neutral or go along with what he set you up for - sorry, but you are right, I do have trust issues and therefore we need to part ways. It's not you, it's me. Good bye.

Also, I'd block him because people like that don't take rejection well, unless he already has someone lined up, and is liable to give chase. Please don't confuse that for caring.

If you do decide to end things, please don't leave dating for another 5-10 years. Rather date and work on fixing your picker. Learn to listen to your gut because it's correct. If your gut is telling you that this person is not trustworthy, believe it. When people show you bad character, walk away immediately. Don't hang around hoping for change or just because some parts are good.

In a good relationship, ALL parts are good and you'll feel safe, secure, and loved instead of being haunted with a constant feeling that something is off and not quite right.

 

[Capricorn3]

This guy is not the guy for you.  8 months is still very early days and not much time invested.  I say cut your losses and the sooner the better.  Without trust you have nothing and if you choose to stay, your life WILL become a nightmare and you'll be miserable - always questioning, always wondering, never trusting.  I can't think of anything worse. That is not the way a happy, healthy relationship works.  I'd rather be single.

Simply tell him it's just not working for you anymore, wish him well and head for the door.  Don't look back.

[lostandhurt]

My question is:

Will you break up with him without proof he is dating again?  It sounds like you want to believe him but your gut is telling a different story.

Since this has come down to snooping and checking on your bf it is basically over anyways so make it official. 

  I am surprised you haven't made a profile with some fake pics and tried to bait him into contacting you.

  Lost

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, Ellie48 said:

with a view to seeing if we are compatible to get married.I discovered he was online dating. 

Unfortunately he's the classic wolf  in sheep's clothing.

He's future talking and basically saying that you need to trust a liar or there's no future.

Stop "doing housework together". That's not an indication of anything.

He seems to know you are desperate to get married and you believe dating is only for marriage.

He's using this to hold you hostage.

He's basically saying "I'm a lying snake but you need to stick your head in the sand about it or these fake future promises I'm making won't materialize"

It's only 24 weeks dating. This is the time to observe not plan your wedding.

Step back and observe his manipulative nature and lack of integrity.

Cut your losses. He's already showing signs that his string along talk is meaningless and he's justifying being a cheating creep..

 

[MissCanuck]

9 hours ago, Ellie48 said:

At one point I discovered he was online dating. At first he denied this but later said it was him and he only went on because I don’t trust him and he wasn’t sure he could see a future with me. 

Nope. 

I would've ended it right there. Not only was he trying to sneak around with other women, but he lied when confronted and then blamed you. That says a lot about this guy, and it tells you that he is a snake. 

I would not continue this relationship one more day. It would be foolish to do so. 

[LoveConquersAll]

9 hours ago, Ellie48 said:

He’s told me he’s committed to me and our relationship and isn’t online dating.

Hi @Ellie48. Well, I guess you have to take him at his word and trust him on that, until his actions prove otherwise. 

[Bothered2021]

On 8/25/2021 at 6:35 PM, Ellie48 said:

. At first he denied this but later said it was him and he only went on because I don’t trust him and he wasn’t sure he could see a future with me. 

Cute. Classic maneuver. You don’t trust him so he does something untrustworthy? Doesn’t make sense. He did it because he is sneaky and a liar. Newsflash to him, now you trust him less. Smh. 
Then he tries the whole I wasn’t sure if I saw a future with you? Should have said, nah you don’t, bye. 
You are still finding evidence of his sneaky behavior and he’s really laying on the guilt trip. He wants you to fully trust him after being untrustworthy and continuing to do so. That’s a NO. He doesn’t deserve your trust and you’re just going to end up hurt and miserable constantly suspecting him of lying and finding trace evidence. I can’t stand the manipulation tactics people use. Do things wrong and make the person you are betraying look like the one with an issue. Sick 

[Bothered2021]

His word is worthless. He proved he’s a liar and a manipulator