I am overly sensitive to a new manager and his team

[DarkCh0c0]

Hi everyone,

I'm having some hard time at work. I've joined this company remotely 4+ months ago, and my work has been great. About a month ago, they decided to give me higher responsibilities in my post and field, and it's about recruitment.

I work in HR, so I've done recruitment for 5+ years. Let me tell you, I've never been this stressed in my life. I'm recruiting for a tech team and on top of the tech team is a CTO.

This CTO, just looking at him in my recent meetings, makes me want to cry my eyes out. He's so stiff, always finds a way to comment on my work.. in meetings AND in public channels on Slack, and so does his tech team!

I'm new to the role and I've been under IMMENSE pressure.

Last two weeks, I've spent some afternoons crying. I even talked to my therapist about it, and he seems to tell me I need to replace my old thoughts/self-talk* with better more realistic/positive ones.

Can I get any tip from anyone? Today I've cried my eyes out because of him and his team. I felt criticized, with people I don't know judging me. But, I want to be able to see this from above and not relate it to my self-worth. I know I do great work, and was even rewarded recently by another client. But... Whenever I read his comment, I feel like I'm doing a really bad job!

Mind you I never felt that with my direct managers before! (At this company)

Thanks for reading. 

[LaHermes]

8 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

He's so stiff, always finds a way to comment on my work.. in meetings AND in public channels on Slack, and so does his tech team!

Sorry, choc. Tears are not the answer and only make you upset.

My advice would be to take him to one side, ask him straight up what exactly is his problem with you, and that if he wishes to comment on your work you'd appreciate if he would do so one-to-one privately.

That should do the trick.  Good luck!

[SooSad33]

25 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

Today I've cried my eyes out because of him and his team. I felt criticized, with people I don't know judging me. But, I want to be able to see this from above and not relate it to my self-worth. I know I do great work, and was even rewarded recently by another client. But... Whenever I read his comment, I feel like I'm doing a really bad job!

Mind you I never felt that with my direct managers before! (At this company)

Aww, this is no good for you 😕 .

I feel you're just too overwhelmed with this new job 'position'.

How about if you go back to where you were before?  - less responsibilities ( recruitment position).

Which occurred about a month ago?  Can you not do this?  Then maybe if demands/ expectations are less on you, you can calm down some. No good on you to feel this way with your job.

 

[DancingFool]

25 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

This CTO, just looking at him in my recent meetings, makes me want to cry my eyes out

^This reads like something about his appearance or demeanor is triggering something, some kind of fear or trauma from your past. It's not normal to have such a visceral reaction to a face on the screen that you don't even know well or work that closely with.

I'd dig way deeper into this with your therapist and don't let this be dismissed as just changing your self talk. The therapist isn't wrong, but it might help you a lot to understand where this is coming from to begin with.

 

[LaHermes]

32 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

always finds a way to comment on my work.. in meetings AND in public channels on Slack, and so does his tech team!

What exactly does this individual and his team say about you? Is it offensive, insulting?

33 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

I felt criticized, with people I don't know judging me.

Don't run from this. Why should you? Just sort it out directly with them. 

[DarkCh0c0]

@LaHermes I was considering doing the same thing, but I'm afraid of him. I'm not afraid of other managers. Just him and his team. +They are All men... 

A few assistants have left before, even without notice, and when I learned this- I knew it was red flag. Now I know why: this dude and the role's high expectations.

I even told my manager I'd like to get in touch. She and the CEO are better at communication than him.

@SooSad33 I don't want to. I really like my newer role- even though I'm having too many responsibilities at the time. I want to take a higher road and learn to say no with time to what I'm willing to do and what I'm not willing to do. It's just that now I'm trying to see how the workload before I make such decision.

@DancingFool he looks stiff, uninterested, and kind of condescending. His eyes just look so serious, but not in a good way. He barely talks non-work and replies in a very dry way. I feel like I'm so bad at my work when he just outright criticizes me, instead of saying things in nicer ways like the others. I just feel unimportant and unappreciated. I know I'm new to the team, but some encourageants would help.

 

[Batya33]

I think it's because interacting mainly on a screen is a recipe for triggering disaster.  I'm sorry you're so stressed!  I've been there!  I would see if you can get a one on one meeting with this person and be curious not furious -tell him you wanted to check in with him to see how it's going from his perspective and see what he says.

[SooSad33]

5 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

He barely talks non-work and replies in a very dry way. I feel like I'm so bad at my work when he just outright criticizes me, instead of saying things in nicer ways like the others. I just feel unimportant and unappreciated. I know I'm new to the team, but some encourageants would help.

So, dealing with this one is a little more challenging... Not someone you're used to dealing with.

If he is so critical ( although I am sure you do know what you're doing), is there someone above him you can reach out to?  And just ask about him?  Or ask if he can back off a little so you can adjust & work properly - w/out feeling so overwhelmed?

 

[DarkCh0c0]

@LaHermes I don't want to run away. I want to manage this and become more confident.

I know it has partly to do with my self-esteem, which is work in progress (reading a book and practising suggestions, getting therapy, ect.). But, there should be something I could do even despite this.

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

A few assistants have left before, even without notice, and when I learned this- I knew it was red flag. Now I know why: this dude and the role's high expectations.

Do you feel they have a toxic corporate culture in general or a few bad apples in management positions?

[Rose Mosse]

Can you give me an example of a comment he's making or one of your teammates has made? 

[DarkCh0c0]

I met with a project manager in his team, and he's a confident and pleasant person. He did think I was handling too much, and that I'm trying to get up to speed on a boat that has already sailed. He did advice I start learning how to say no to other tasks, which I will do. But idk how to do with this one.

[tattoobunnie]

Just now, DarkCh0c0 said:

 he looks stiff, uninterested, and kind of condescending. His eyes just look so serious, but not in a good way. He barely talks non-work and replies in a very dry way. I feel like I'm so bad at my work when he just outright criticizes me, instead of saying things in nicer ways like the others. I just feel unimportant and unappreciated. I know I'm new to the team, but some encourageants would help.

 

He could also be on the spectrum.  I would focus on his critiques and not take it personally.  You may also be crying from imposter syndrome.   When you move up, you get less pats on the back, so don't look to him for compliments or personality.  Some people just don't have one...and not to be rude, but IT is filled with those with unique introverted personalities...there is nothing wrong with that, but it does take a certain type of mindset to do IT and programming.

[DarkCh0c0]

@Wiseman2 I would say a few bad apples. Not everyone is like this.

@Rose Mosse he tells me in front of everyone "whose responsibility is this?", I say mine (I'm new and need time to get a handle of their processes), and then he tells me "well, you need to do it asap". Or, as soon as I make some mistake/short coming, he mentions this on slack. Even his team, instead of slacking me on private to ask about something... They make it public.

@tattoobunnie I know he might be over worked and stressed out. He even looks like he's reading up other work tasks while listening- which I also don't appreciate, specially that the meeting concerns him. But, my understanding has limits. We are all stressed out. And, Indeed, I'm trying not to take it personally...  but whenever he comments on my work, I feel crushed. He's not even my line manager for heaven's sake.

[Batya33]

9 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

@LaHermes I don't want to run away. I want to manage this and become more confident.

I know it has partly to do with my self-esteem, which is work in progress (reading a book and practising suggestions, getting therapy, ect.). But, there should be something I could do even despite this.

I wouldn't focus on "becoming more confident" -focus on baby steps -where you choose a different reaction to something that would have triggered you for example - you'll feel more positive if you accomplish baby steps rather than the abstractness of "become more confident". 

[DarkCh0c0]

@Batya33 yes. I meant that I want to overcome this and grow out of it. I've had similar reactions before to a manager who was toxic. But this one isn't outright toxic, because he chooses his words. Kind of catches me off guard and then I feel like I need to bend myself to whatever he wants...

A baby-step of meeting with him would help in that. I just need to control myself and realize it's not that hard.

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

he tells me in front of everyone "whose responsibility is this?", I say mine (I'm new and need time to get a handle of their processes), and then he tells me "well, you need to do it asap". Or, as soon as I make some mistake/short coming, he mentions this on slack. Even his team, instead of slacking me on private to ask about something... They make it public.

That's in the range of normal.  He seems overly blunt and direct and he's not your mom or dad or your mentor.  You're there to improve the bottom line.  Your thank you is your paycheck.  You might prefer the sugar coating and more mannerly "private" approach but especially with all the teleworking he doesn't have time for this. So yes get it done ASAP and if you absolutely cannot send him an email or call him ASAP and tell him that you want to get it done ASAP but have these other priorities. 

Then ask him if he thinks you should re-order those priorities.  And yes sometimes your work -not you -your work -will be criticized in front of others.  Not the best approach and nowhere near toxic especially in higher level corporate environments.  And of course you can work for a warm and fuzzy and sugar-coating sandwich of criticisms environment and then get stuck with a boss who is not like that.  No guarantees.  I'm sorry and I'm sorry you're so stressed.

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

@Batya33 yes. I meant that I want to overcome this and grow out of it. I've had similar reactions before to a manager who was toxic. But this one isn't outright toxic, because he chooses his words. Kind of catches me off guard and then I feel like I need to bend myself to whatever he wants...

A baby-step of meeting with him would help in that. I just need to control myself and realize it's not that hard.

Yes. He is not toxic IMO and I see this thrown around way too much "these days'.  I worked in at least two toxic environments in my 15 years of corporate work and about 7 of government work - only one toxic experience was in corporate.  You do not have to do this job or any job where the management style is not to your liking -of course! - but this is not toxic unless compared to some standard that seems to be more the norm today (and yes when I've managed people I've tried to do the whole sandwich thing especially on email  -outside bread is positive, filling is the "negative" part and other outside bread is also positive.  

[DarkCh0c0]

@Batya33 I'm aware. That's why my post says I'm overly sensitive. Literally, I've cried a river today: my eyes hurt. I've had clients who talk only work, and I'm like that. I'm all about being productive and improving the bottom line. It's just that, I'm very very sensitive to it with him and want to find a way to cope cause I don't want to cry like that on a daily basis. It's not worth it.

[DancingFool]

3 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

he tells me in front of everyone "whose responsibility is this?", I say mine (I'm new and need time to get a handle of their processes), and then he tells me "well, you need to do it asap". Or, as soon as I make some mistake/short coming, he mentions this on slack. Even his team, instead of slacking me on private to ask about something... They make it public.

This is not a criticism or an insult. It's his job to know who is doing what and track that. It's also his job to address issues with whatever.

Whose responsibility is this? - Mine. Period. Skip on the defensive bs "I'm new here."

Well you need to do it asap. - Will do. OR if you need extra time then be professional and ask for x time for y reason ("don't know how or I am new" is not a reason, btw) In other words, present reasonable and specific requests and timelines and be able to back yourself up....aka be professional and then meet those times and deadlines you've requested.

Pointing out a mistake is not criticism, it's constructive criticism and something you should be able to manage and respect. Again, your response should be "Noted. Will correct as per y request."

He is being professional with you, so meet him at his level and be professional as well. The more you do that, the better he'll like you.

On a side note, you are an adult complaining that this guy is being strictly professional, only addressing work related issues. You really need to think on where this is coming from within you because he isn't the issue, your reactions are.

[LaHermes]

30 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

but I'm afraid of him. I'm not afraid of other managers. Just him and his team. +They are All men... 

I am not quite with you here Choc. It matters not if they are all Hobbits or Shapeshifters.  

What exactly are you afraid of, Choc?  He/they might have a six-gun under the table?  He/they might blow up your home?  I think not. I know this is just me, but I have always found men very approachable in a work setting, and to tell the truth I prefer working with men, when it comes down to it. But, that's me.

This is a purely practical matter, nothing more.  He/they won't bite you. Forget arguments about toxic cultures and all the rest.  People appreciate straightforwardness.  Just ask in a calm and down to earth manner what the problem is. Again, what kind of comments are being made about your work?

[Batya33]

4 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

@Batya33 I'm aware. That's why my post says I'm overly sensitive. Literally, I've cried a river today: my eyes hurt. I've had clients who talk only work, and I'm like that. I'm all about being productive and improving the bottom line. It's just that, I'm very very sensitive to it with him and want to find a way to cope cause I don't want to cry like that on a daily basis. It's not worth it.

No it's not - so it's time to come up with tools on how to deal with specific situations -may be you approach him in a different way of communicating -phone instead of email for example - may be you find a way to tune out the uncomfortable stuff and take the nuggets of wisdom and insight he might have.  And yes I cried at work - 99% of the time in private.  I don't' know -didn't seem out of bounds - high pressure environments can take their toll, I chose that environment for many years for very good reasons, and yes sometimes I cried, had stomachaches, lashed out at people I loved because I was so darn stressed out and worked crazy hours. 

Others shudder at "OMG he told me to get it done ASAP ..... on a weekend/on my vacation/when I was still getting over a nasty cold" as "toxic" and to me -you gotta be in it to win it.  If you want to win it. But that's the thing -you have to want it really badly and I did. For the 15 years I did it.

 When I managed I did not do that when someone was ill or on vacation and did not want to be disturbed but yes I probably was too direct/blunt/short at times.  I learned.  My absolute best mentor threw me into the fire so many times and was cranky and blunt and direct but I knew he had so much wisdom and insight, I knew he actually did care a great deal about my professional development (and I was right) and while others chose not to work with him because of his personality/temperament I did.  I'm sensitive too and I chose to overcome that to get that opportunity.  Life changing.  Now this guy might not end up being a mentor but I bet he's good for networking opportunities in the future.  I'm glad you're not running from it.  

[Batya33]

31 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

I met with a project manager in his team, and he's a confident and pleasant person. He did think I was handling too much, and that I'm trying to get up to speed on a boat that has already sailed. He did advice I start learning how to say no to other tasks, which I will do. But idk how to do with this one.

You limit saying no.  Say "yes I would love to do this project and is there any way there are parts of it that can wait because I have these other projects I am working on."  Say no only when it truly is not possible or if you are very ill or have a family member you take care of 100% of the time or so who is very ill.  

[DarkCh0c0]

4 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

so it's time to come up with tools on how to deal with specific situations -may be you approach him in a different way of communicating -phone instead of email for example - may be you find a way to tune out the uncomfortable stuff and take the nuggets of wisdom and insight he might have.

I'm aware. That's why I'm asking for tips/tools to cope. I'm aware this is on me. I even mentioned above that it has to do partially with my self esteem. I really want to move past this cause the way I'm reacting is just not normal.

[DarkCh0c0]

And to everyone asking.. I even told my therapist that he gives "constructive criticism". That's why I'm mentioning that I'M overly sensitive and would like to improve on that. I am not blaming him. The post was about me.