Should I continue engaging with this "friend"

[RuedeRivoli]

Hi all, 

 

I think I have reached the end of the road with this "work friend" I befriended at a former job roughly 3/4 years ago. She's always had low confidence and is a bit awkward, but didn't seem to have social anxiety. The biggest issue is that whenever we chat whether in person or via text, she'll just ask me "How are you" in passing as a polite greeting, but starts talking about herself right away. We went out a few times and every single time, it was literally 3 hours of her talking about herself and how much she dislikes her job. We've kept in touch during the pandemic and every single time, it's the same story. She texts "Hi, how are you?" then doesn't ask any question about me and goes on a tangent about herself. 

She reached out to me two months ago for a role in my current company, I happily referred her. Before even getting to the interview, she already was putting herself down saying she won't get the job and that she should focus on studying for some certificate as this will give her results, unlike the interview. I mean, I referred her and tried to reassured her and that's her response. Needless to say, she didn't get the job and started belittling herself afterwards. I tried to once again reassure her, but she wasn't really receptive. 

Two weeks ago, I was returning home from my run one morning when I saw this familiar face slowly approaching. I quickly realized it was her. At that point, I hadn't seen since early 2020. She was approaching together with her boyfriend and when she walked past me, I looked at her and smiled hoping to stop to socially distance greet her. She looked at me, looked down and then looked away. She kept looking away as she was walking by. I was shocked. I don't like small talk either, but when you haven't seen someone in such a long time (someone who took time out of their day to write you a reference for a job and put you in touch with the hiring team), the least you can do is nod and smile. I didn't particularly want her to spend 10 minutes talking to me, but just acknowledging me with a smile or a wave would have been good enough for me. 

After this incident, I deleted her number (but didn't block her). She suddenly remembered my existence yesterday, so she WhatsApped me. She didn't even apologize for running into me and ignoring me or anything. She sent me a message at 7am saying "Good morning, how are you?". I hesitated and left the message unread until 9pm. I decided to give her the benefit of the doubt. I responded "Good, thank you. How have you been?". Then, her response was: "I have a few things I'd like to share with you, can I use the audio note?". I of course said it was fine and she bombarded me with 5 audio messages this morning at 7am, which I haven't listened to yet, but I saw a text that said: "That's the role" which I assume relates to her audio notes. I mean, I understand she wants to talk, but bombarding people at 7am isn't really necessary. 

Every single time we talk, it's always "Hi, how are you", then doesn't bother to ask anything about me and goes on a tangent about how she wants to change jobs blah blah. It doesn't matter if it's text or in person, it's the same story. The "how are you" is clearly not genuine and only used as a greeting since she never asks anything about me.

I haven't listened to her audio notes yet and I'm seriously contemplating leaving them unread. She saw me face to face, didn't acknowledge me, didn't bother to apologize via text and suddenly bombards me at 7am every day because I assume she needs advice. I'm annoyed. I don't want to sound like a bad or harsh person who cuts off every single friend they have because they did something that wasn't pleasant, but I don't think I'm crazy when I say she takes a lot, but gives nothing in return. I'm all for helping and giving advice, but it has to be a two way street. Right now, I feel more like a therapist than anything else. I don't know if I'm the toxic person who cuts everyone off because they did something "wrong" based on my standards or if I simply don't know how to pick genuine "friends". I'm baffled. I don't want to be a doormat, but I don't want to be too harsh either.

What should I do?

[LaHermes]

You see, Rivoli, this is exactly the type of person you need to avoid, always.

Remember this very true saying: "No good deed goes unpunished."

Get those boundaries more clearly defined.  You are not a therapist, advisor, the Samaritans helpline, and indeed a recruitment officer. I would not refer anyone for any post, and less so this person you describe. People are perfectly capable of running their own lives, applying for their jobs, and if they aren't then there are professionals out there to assist them. 

35 minutes ago, RuedeRivoli said:

suddenly bombards me at 7am every day because I assume she needs advice.

She does this because she knows you will allow it. This is a "heart sink" kind of person, very negative and self-absorbed.  You do not need that in your life.

Do not befriend these types Rivoli.  Talk to healthy people who are not looking for something, cling to you, and vampirize you.  Healthy friends do not behave like leeches, they are well able to conduct their own affairs, do not have low confidence and are not awkward. 

39 minutes ago, RuedeRivoli said:

or if I simply don't know how to pick genuine "friends"

Work on that Rivoli.  Look long and hard at the persons you wish to befriend. 

[SherrySher]

Ask yourself what you're getting out of this "friendship"? Is it bringing you any kind of happiness? Support? Why continue with this person if you don't feel you're receiving anything good out of it?

It's not mean to cut someone off that isn't bringing you any kind of happiness.

What's the point in trying to force something with this person if it's just not working?

You don't like her personality. You don't like they way she communicates. You feel like her therapist.

You feel it's all one sided and that the support and caring is only going one way.

Why bother to continue with this person? I sincerely mean that.

You're not going to win some kind of award because you "stuck it out", or proved yourself to be a nice person to someone who you're not actually friends with.

There's nothing wrong with ending a relationship or not being interested in continuing on with someone.

I think people assume it's mean or "bad" to end a relationship/friendship, when it's not bad.

Some people just aren't compatible and it's not bringing you any kind of happiness.

Let it go. Life is too short. 

No need to be angry about it, just tell her that you don't feel the friendship is something you want to continue and wish her well.

[RuedeRivoli]

Thank you SherrySher and LaHermes! These posts are incredibly insightful. 

I ended up reading her message, but didn't listen to the audio. So, these "urgent" audio and texts at 7am pertain to yet another role ad my company posted and she wants to apply. This role is more senior than the one she got rejected from two months ago and she has no relevant skills at all. She has a serious kind of audacity to the point where she forwarded me the job spec and went on a tangent about how she wants to apply. 

It's now crystal clear she only reaches out to me when she wants something from me (either a therapist, a career advisor or a HR intermediary). She is under the impression I will keep referring her repeatedly because I did it once and therefore now starts coming up with random roles at my company thinking I'll refer her again. She seems to be obsessing over getting a role where I work. 

My stance is I referred her once, she sabotaged herself before and possibly during the interview based on the negative talk she's been giving herself. There's no way I'm referring her a second or third time around. She had her shot and didn't make the most of it I'm sure. Talking negatively about yourself before and after the interview is a sure way straight to failure. 

The truth is she is just draining me at this point and her motives are clear. I'm not getting anything from this friendship nor am I growing. In fact, I am regressing because I don't feel as though I'm dealing with a (stable) adult. On the contrary. A friendship should be a two way street, not just one person trying to drag the other person up. She's clearly an opportunist and I now understand why she has not been able to find a new job in close 3 years. I've been dealing with her job talks for three years now and it's the same story every time. She needs to also ask herself why she gets rejected after every interview instead of asking me to refer her multiple times. It's not going to happen.  If I keep referring her, I'm also going to lose my own credibility. 

I'm not angry because I've never regarded her as a "close" friend at all. I'm simply sad that I clearly don't know who to pick friends. Perhaps it's my fear of having no friends, but at this point, it's better than having to deal with such shenanigans. I agree though - life is too short to drain your energy on emotional vampires and opportunists. 

I'll just ignore her message. I'm definitely done and will go radio silent from now on. She'll get the hint. I don't owe her any explanation as to why I'm cutting her off. She wasn't a close friend by any means and opportunists like this don't deserve a thorough explanation. 

[LaHermes]

13 minutes ago, RuedeRivoli said:

I'm simply sad that I clearly don't know who to pick friends

Come now, Rivoli. It isn't all that hard.  Pick adults who behave like adults, and who are well able to look after themselves.  They are easily recognizable by their demeanour.  They have a balanced outlook and are not needy. You'd have to be a bit unhinged to keep phoning someone at 7 a.m.!

  Nothing wrong with doing a favour for a friend now and again of course.  But that does not include being an unpaid recruitment agency or any kind of agency. Be thankful she didn't get a job where you work.   She'd drive her colleagues and you right around the bend. 

 

[RuedeRivoli]

1 minute ago, LaHermes said:

Come now, Rivoli. It isn't all that hard.  Pick adults who behave like adults, and who are well able to look after themselves.  They are easily recognizable by their demeanour.  They have a balanced outlook and are not needy. You'd have to be a bit unhinged to keep phoning someone at 7 a.m.!

  Nothing wrong with doing a favour for a friend now and again of course.  But that does not include being an unpaid recruitment agency or any kind of agency. Be thankful she didn't get a job where you work.   She'd drive her colleagues and you right around the bend. 

 

Haha, she is already driving me mad and she hasn't even set a foot here. I'm hoping she finds a job somewhere else. 

I don't mind referring people at all, but it depends on the person's attitude. If the person engages in negative self-talk before and after the interview and tell me "I'm sure I won't get the job". Then, what's the purpose of asking me to refer you? I think she needs to stop searching for a job and work on herself first instead of relying on people to repeatedly refer her because it's the easy route. 

To be honest, I originally thought she was well balanced. That's why I befriended her (I was her buddy when she first started working for my previous employer). Then, as time went on, I started seeing through the cracks, but it wasn't as bad. Yes, she talked about herself, but I had a decent social life, so I didn't care much and always kept her at arms length. These past few months have been downright eye-opening. Today was certainly the cherry on top. 

I think next time I should trust my gut more and certainly recognize the signs as soon as they emerge instead of discarding them. 

 

[Cherylyn]

Your "work friend" is an energy vampire.  She vacuums the life out of you and drains you dry.  Google "energy vampire."  Energy vampires dump on you constantly, couldn't care less about how you feel or your life.  It's all about them and they cling to you like a bad rash.  Then in public, they pretend they don't know you or treat you as if you don't matter much.  It's nothing I hadn't experienced before.

I would send her a final text if she bothers you relentlessly:  "We're incompatible.  I will treat you professionally at the workplace only.  It is time to go our separate ways and I wish you all the best.  Please do not contact me and respect my wishes.  Thank you.  Sign your name."  It's a respectful yet firm finality.  Follow through by treating her professionally at the workplace; no more no less. 

You're not a toxic person.  It's actually good to cut people off whom you can't relate to.  There is a way to do this diplomatically. There is nothing wrong with having your own set of high standards such as rules of treating each other with respect.  Don't be baffled.  You will have various people waft in and out of your lifetime.  You weed out the bad apples by winning some new friends and dropping bad friends from your life.  It's perfectly fine to say you don't want to be a doormat because it's a reflection of your common sense strength and toughness.  Never be taken advantage of just because you're a nice person.  Been there done that.  It's also very fine to be harsh and absolute while going this route respectfully.  I do it all the time.  Maintain a frosty yet polite, safe distance from people who are not good for you, unrewarding and disrespectful.  Or, if you've had a negative history with them.  It's perfectly natural to become wary, jaded and distrustful of those who don't treat you with consistent, habitual respect.  Always enforce healthy boundaries with others. 

Only associate with mentally stable people.  Mentally ill people are to be dealt with at your own risk.  Often times, you lose and regret getting entangled with people who have serious mental disorders for which there is no cure.  (It runs the gamut: gaslighters, manipulators, narcissists, sociopaths, etc etc)  The best thing to do is to stay away!  Far away!  This was my mother's advice to me long ago.  It works.  Protect yourself because no one else has your back except yourself. 

You will attract good friends in your life even if it takes a while.  Patience is key.  Psychologically sound and empathetic people attract alike minds.  In the meantime, learn to be secure within your own skin, focus on your health,  interests, hobbies, sports, etc and you will attract those who share your similar lifestyle and mindset.  During your quiet moments, it's better to be alone than lonely with wrong people in your life.   

If you're faith based, there are a lot of people at church whom you may have in common with.  Or, other organizations and groups which branch out into blossoming friendships.  You have to start somewhere. 

[LaHermes]

12 minutes ago, RuedeRivoli said:

I don't mind referring people at all,

My advice R.  Don't do it, ever.  Remember what I said earlier about "good deeds" lol.

And I agree with Cher:

"Psychologically sound and empathetic people attract alike minds.  In the meantime, learn to be secure within your own skin, focus on your health,  interests, hobbies, sports, etc and you will attract those who share your similar lifestyle and mindset"

and this:

"Maintain a frosty yet polite, safe distance from people who are not good for you, "

There is nothing wrong Rivoli with being aloof and a little distant. 

[boltnrun]

I give people cold responses when I want them out of my orbit lol.

I would respond "My previous referral stays in your file for 3 years. If they review your previous interview notes and want to consider you for this new position they will contact you, so there's no need for me to refer you again. Good luck with your job search."

I had an ex try to restart communication with me. He wrote "Hi, hope you're doing good." I waited a couple of days and then responded "Thanks, you too." He got the hint and gave up.

[RuedeRivoli]

4 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I give people cold responses when I want them out of my orbit lol.

I would respond "My previous referral stays in your file for 3 years. If they review your previous interview notes and want to consider you for this new position they will contact you, so there's no need for me to refer you again. Good luck with your job search."

I had an ex try to restart communication with me. He wrote "Hi, hope you're doing good." I waited a couple of days and then responded "Thanks, you too." He got the hint and gave up.

Thank you. I was thinking of ignoring at first, but perhaps a cold response is better. 

To be honest, I was thinking of saying: "Sounds like an interesting role. Unfortunately, I won't be in a position to provide a referral at this time. However, feel free to apply if you want. Best of luck with your search". 

If I tell her the referral remains on file for 3 years, she'll keep bothering me every single time she finds a role that tickles her fancy and will start applying randomly using my name as her referee. I simply want her to stop thinking she can use me as a permanent referee for roles in this company. She's clearly not clued in. 

[RuedeRivoli]

57 minutes ago, LaHermes said:

My advice R.  Don't do it, ever.  Remember what I said earlier about "good deeds" lol.

And I agree with Cher:

"Psychologically sound and empathetic people attract alike minds.  In the meantime, learn to be secure within your own skin, focus on your health,  interests, hobbies, sports, etc and you will attract those who share your similar lifestyle and mindset"

and this:

"Maintain a frosty yet polite, safe distance from people who are not good for you, "

There is nothing wrong Rivoli with being aloof and a little distant. 

Thank you!

It's definitely a lesson learned for sure! I spent time writing the referral letter (because to refer an external candidate, you need to write a comprehensive referral letter). You're right, I shouldn't do it anymore though.

I've realized I've become a "yes, yes" person in the last few years (living with roommates and having zero contact with my family triggered this trait out of "fear" that if I stand up for myself, everything will fall apart and I have no one to fall back on). 

It's definitely time to regain my power and start setting boundaries and distance myself from those who are not good for me. I can't attract people who are on the same wavelength if I keep energy vampires around. As they say, you need to let something go to get something better or new. The same way I part ways and donate clothing that no longer suit my personality, the same should apply for relationships that are void of any meaning or purpose. 

[LaHermes]

20 minutes ago, RuedeRivoli said:

I simply want her to stop thinking she can use me as a permanent referee for roles in this company.

Never mind that Rivoli. You need to stop her contacting you at all, ever.  She can think as much as she likes. Not your problem. 

[Kwothe28]

I had a good college friend like that. She would make a problem out of everyting. Literally. She could go to the bathroom and create a problem out of it. And then talk for an hour about it. Sometimes I couldnt even say anything from her talking about problems. And after 3-4 hours of it you feel exhausted to the point you dont want to do anything for the whole day. Trully "Energy Vampire" thing. I kinda got out of it when I realized how little she cares about friendship at the end when she didnt even called me to her wedding. She said it was a smaller wedding yet she called one other female friend and her sister. I dunno, maybe husband had a problem with male friends(she called me to her sister wedding few years before that even though that one was small also) but still a *** move. So I cut off contact to just saying occasional "Hi" on social media when she sends message and that is it. I highly reccomend you do the same with that person. You dont have to be harsh and to get into arguments, just be indifferent. 

As for friends, invest into people who genuinly want to hang out with you. People who would just call to ask how are you doing and care for you. Those are true friends. Rest of them are either situational like work buddies or aquintances.

[RuedeRivoli]

1 hour ago, Cherylyn said:

Your "work friend" is an energy vampire.  She vacuums the life out of you and drains you dry.  Google "energy vampire."  Energy vampires dump on you constantly, couldn't care less about how you feel or your life.  It's all about them and they cling to you like a bad rash.  Then in public, they pretend they don't know you or treat you as if you don't matter much.  It's nothing I hadn't experienced before.

I would send her a final text if she bothers you relentlessly:  "We're incompatible.  I will treat you professionally at the workplace only.  It is time to go our separate ways and I wish you all the best.  Please do not contact me and respect my wishes.  Thank you.  Sign your name."  It's a respectful yet firm finality.  Follow through by treating her professionally at the workplace; no more no less. 

You're not a toxic person.  It's actually good to cut people off whom you can't relate to.  There is a way to do this diplomatically. There is nothing wrong with having your own set of high standards such as rules of treating each other with respect.  Don't be baffled.  You will have various people waft in and out of your lifetime.  You weed out the bad apples by winning some new friends and dropping bad friends from your life.  It's perfectly fine to say you don't want to be a doormat because it's a reflection of your common sense strength and toughness.  Never be taken advantage of just because you're a nice person.  Been there done that.  It's also very fine to be harsh and absolute while going this route respectfully.  I do it all the time.  Maintain a frosty yet polite, safe distance from people who are not good for you, unrewarding and disrespectful.  Or, if you've had a negative history with them.  It's perfectly natural to become wary, jaded and distrustful of those who don't treat you with consistent, habitual respect.  Always enforce healthy boundaries with others. 

Only associate with mentally stable people.  Mentally ill people are to be dealt with at your own risk.  Often times, you lose and regret getting entangled with people who have serious mental disorders for which there is no cure.  (It runs the gamut: gaslighters, manipulators, narcissists, sociopaths, etc etc)  The best thing to do is to stay away!  Far away!  This was my mother's advice to me long ago.  It works.  Protect yourself because no one else has your back except yourself. 

You will attract good friends in your life even if it takes a while.  Patience is key.  Psychologically sound and empathetic people attract alike minds.  In the meantime, learn to be secure within your own skin, focus on your health,  interests, hobbies, sports, etc and you will attract those who share your similar lifestyle and mindset.  During your quiet moments, it's better to be alone than lonely with wrong people in your life.   

If you're faith based, there are a lot of people at church whom you may have in common with.  Or, other organizations and groups which branch out into blossoming friendships.  You have to start somewhere. 

Thank you, Cherylyn! It's an incredibly insightful post full of truths!

Oh yes, I've heard of energy vampires and actually, I was thinking about how much of an energy drainer she is. As LaHermes said, you have to be of a certain character to start hassling someone at 7am. I'm completely drained today when I was absolutely fine before she started texting me. I suddenly have a headache from this whole story and I've been thinking about this a lot. That's what energy drainers do and you wind up thinking about their actions and words all the time. They derail you from what you're supposed to focus on to bring you into their drama. 

Thankfully, we don't work together anymore and haven't worked together in more than two years. She's simply seeking to join the same company now which quite frankly, is not to my liking at all. However, if she ends up joining, I will treat her as I treat any other colleague, with respect but with some distance (boundaries).

You're right. One needs to stay from people like this. She doesn't seem overly stable. She portrayed a different side of her at work because obviously one has to act somewhat professional. However, the minute I left that job and we started chatting outside of work, it turned into a different story and more so in these past few months. I believe her issues go far deeper than just having a few insecurities, clearly. She does not need a new job or a referral, she needs therapy because this cycle of hers is going to keep on repeating. 

I grew up with a parent who unfortunately displayed some signs of mental instability and it is also part of the reason why I can sometimes attract such types and that's also why I said I'd feel like the "toxic" person cutting people off. This parent had a tendency to stop interacting with whoever even dared to say something that wasn't exactly what they expected - this would take the form of ignoring people (me) for days on end and no apology would work. Hence, the fact I feel odd when I cut people off even if they clearly are toxic because I fear I'm repeating this parent's pattern, when the situations are completely unrelated. 

My family is estranged from single person they know including their respective families and I ended up cutting them off. I feel as though I'm repeating their pattern when I cut friends off, when again, the situations are unrelated and different altogether. 

Friends and family are supposed to elevate you, not bring you down or try to get something from you at every turn. Unfortunately, it is a pattern I know far too well. In any case, this "friend" is not allowing me to grow or elevating me in any way shape or form.

"You will attract good friends in your life even if it takes a while.  Patience is key.  Psychologically sound and empathetic people attract alike minds.  In the meantime, learn to be secure within your own skin, focus on your health,  interests, hobbies, sports, etc and you will attract those who share your similar lifestyle and mindset.  During your quiet moments, it's better to be alone than lonely with wrong people in your life.  "

The above paragraph is one I will hold on to because it is so very true. I was doing quite well this week after weeks of feeling low, trying to keep busy with work, running my 5ks again, diving into future plans etc... Then, she kept texting me at 7am and my anxiety started kicking in because it is so unnecessary. I'm one who absorbs people's energy quite easily and her needy energy makes me feel anxious. 

I hope I will someday find my true tribe with like-minded individuals who respect boundaries and value friendship over opportunistic pursuits. 

[boltnrun]

3 hours ago, RuedeRivoli said:

Thank you. I was thinking of ignoring at first, but perhaps a cold response is better. 

To be honest, I was thinking of saying: "Sounds like an interesting role. Unfortunately, I won't be in a position to provide a referral at this time. However, feel free to apply if you want. Best of luck with your search". 

If I tell her the referral remains on file for 3 years, she'll keep bothering me every single time she finds a role that tickles her fancy and will start applying randomly using my name as her referee. I simply want her to stop thinking she can use me as a permanent referee for roles in this company. She's clearly not clued in. 

You’re right.  Your planned response is much better.

[Cherylyn]

Thank you for your kind words, RuedeRivoli.

Beware of energy vampires indeed.  Remember, energy vampires exist as long as you allow them to have a grip on your life.  I agree, they suck you into their endless drama and their constant "woe is me" mentality.  (Same with other serious mental disorders such as narcissists, sociopaths, manipulators and other unstable types.)  Whenever you're available, people will always take advantage of your softness and kind heart.  Unfortunately, it's the way of the world.  Over time, your radar will be up, you will become quickly alarmed from any unusual behavior, experience will teach you harsh lessons and you'll develop street smarts.  Live and learn the hard way which is the best way.  Never let your guard down.  Always protect yourself.  Better safe than sorry.

Thank you for clarifying that you no longer work together anymore.  Thank goodness.  If she ends up joining your place of employment, remain professional, respectful, polite, well mannered yet maintain a deliberate, safe distance.  Yes, those are your new enforced healthy boundaries.

Of course, people are on their best behavior in public.  Then when you get to know them better, you discover their real personality and character.  Suddenly you'll look at them with great disdain.  Your observation is typical. 

The problem is you have to stop being compassionate to those who take advantage of your very nice disposition.  People take advantage of your niceness.  You will change to be on your guard if you don't want to attract those who can find an easy, vulnerable target.  I was once you.  I'm compassionate towards others and include them in my prayers.  However, I have my limits and I let others know this.  If you don't learn to say, "NO" (or politely decline), then as long as you're available to them, they will never release you from their sick grip.  They're like a spider and you're caught in their web.  These types of people impose and become your stress filled burden.  When you release them from your life, suddenly you're unloading dead weight, feel less stressed, relieved, feel freedom and you'll be at peace. 

Some people seek you or others out as therapists because it's cheaper and more convenient.  Never be used as their free psychologist. 

I'm sorry about what you had endured with a mentally unstable parent.  You will become resilient, stronger and tougher as you cut off toxic people from your life.  Don't feel guilty for cutting certain people off.  Either people behave properly or they're cut off.  This is what I do with them.  If they're in my midst such as in my case, certain relatives and in-laws, I enforce extremely strong boundaries with them.  I don't allow others to disrespect me anymore because I deliberately do not make myself vulnerable to them.  I'm no longer their easy target and I make myself unavailable.  I stay faraway from troublemakers.  I don't engage.

I too have encountered those who've ignored me if I didn't play their dumb mind games, didn't acquiesce and didn't play dumb.  If I was ever owed an apology, it's NEVER forthcoming.  They have no moral conscience, no guilt, remorse nor human decency.  Forget it.  If this is the case, I've lost my former innocent desire to enthusiastically keep the relationship afloat.  Sure, I'm polite and respectful.  However, I maintain a very cool distance.  It works for me.

The way you cut people off and the way your parent cuts you or others off is different.  Your parent was unreasonable whereas you cut people off because some people chronically and habitually disrespected you.  There is a difference.  Don't mix the two because they're not the same reasons.  You're right, both situations are completely unrelated.

Cutting people off is often times a form of survival.  If you don't cut certain people off, you'll drown in misery and unnecessary angst.  You need to save your sanity which impacts your health negatively.  Eliminating certain people from your life is actually a very healthy mindset because you no longer tolerate their _  _  _  _ .

Yes, I agree, we hold family and friends to a higher standard.  Unfortunately, some people have terrible defects or "foibles" as my MIL (mother-in-law) prefers to call bad people.  She's more old school in accepting people as they are whereas I'm more contemporary and realistic by enforcing very strong boundaries with disrespectful people or I cut them out of my life, if possible.  There are no ands, ifs or buts about this.  I'm steadfast, unwavering and absolute.  Behave properly and I'll knock myself out for you.  Misbehave and I'm gone. 

Sounds very good regarding taking better care of yourself.  After you politely text her: "It's time to go our separate ways, I wish you all the best and request NC (no contact).  Sign off with Thank you, Your Name."  If she's relentless with resuming contact despite your well mannered and respectful request, then ignore, block and delete her.  Over time, she will be out of sight, out of mind. 

If you cross paths publicly, act natural or if you prefer, you can ignore since she did the same to you when she was with her boyfriend.  Follow her cue and ignore.  Don't expend energy to be nice when others are unkind to you.  Go your own way.

I too absorb other people's problems.  You will realize that you are not responsible for other people's problems and their life.  You have a life, you're very busy and grown adults are responsible for themselves.  They don't have the right to bother you and impose.  Don't ever give others permission to abuse your good heart. 

As long as you keep busy with bettering yourself, you will attract those who are attracted to your positive, industrious energy.

Normal friendships always have a healthy set of enforced boundaries.  Normal people know how to treat others with respect, common courtesy and common decency.  It's ingrained into them and they wouldn't accept anything else.  Normal people adhere to "The Golden Rule:"  "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."  It's common sense.  Some people don't have common sense.  Be with those who practice common sense and you will be fine.

 

 

 

[greendots]

Friends are generally ('cause life is though at times) meant to be a positive influence on you, and vice versa.

No brainer for me, ditch anyone who is a piece of work. Yes, sometimes our friends are really down, so we need to step it up and be understanding. But if said 'friend' is usually hardcore difficult, then it's time to let them go.

 

10 hours ago, RuedeRivoli said:

Perhaps it's my fear of having no friends

You are operating from a place of fear, therefore allowing yourself to connect with just about anyone who shows an interest in you. Reality is that you deserve high quality friends. Believe that you are worth having high quality friends because you are a high quality person yourself.

[RuedeRivoli]

Hi everyone,

I really really appreciate all the advice given! Sincerely, this is some of the best advice I've received in a very long time!

This morning, I decided to listen to her audio messages just to make sure of what I was going to say. About a month ago, my former employer announced some redundancies. I was about to reach out to her then to check on her, but on the same day I was going to do so, I ran into her and she ignored me (referring to the episode in the OP). I therefore held off and decided to just move on. 

Anyways, in her audio, she told me about the redundancies and that they're affecting her department, but she doesn't know when they're due to take place (realistically speaking, the company is known for announcing redundancies but taking more than 6 months or so to action them). She said "I don't know if you have heard, but there are redundancies" then she went "this is not the point of my call, this is not the main point or an important point at all as a matter of fact". (I need to specify she still has a job and doesn't know when the redundancies will happen, it won't be for a while).

Then she said: "So, I went for an interview and the company ended up offering me the role but I am making them wait on purpose, so I am not giving them an answer". Then, said the following: "So you were right, just because I didn't get the job at your company, doesn't mean I burnt bridges. This was true because they reached out to me out of the blue for the role and I already had a first interview and the interviewer was really happy with me. They're scheduling a second interview. The company is a really big company obviously. So, the purpose of my call is for you to give me feedback on this team I will potentially join". 

OK, so first of all - she asks me for feedback on a team I have zero interaction with. I don't even know who they are. The company employs more than 2,500 people locally and has various sub-functions. This one is not related to mine at all. How on earth would I be able to give her feedback on this team? 

Secondly, I am pretty sure she applied herself because I know the company and went through various hiring processes with them, they never reach out to candidates out of the blue. They might hire an external recruitment agency, but an internal HR representative reaching out to people randomly is unheard of. I've asked around and most people I know have proactively applied, including me. They have so many applicants, they don't need to reach out to anyone proactively. Whether this is true or not, I don't know. She got rejected from a role two months ago and that remains on record, so I doubt they'd be reaching out to her so quickly after. Again, I could be wrong. I'll give her the benefit of the doubt.

Then she talks about the position offered by another company but doesn't mention the company nor the position. I seriously can't give advice even if I wanted to because it is incredibly vague. 

Whilst I feel sorry her department might be going sour, this is something that has been hanging over their heads for years. That said, while I feel sad this is happening to her, I still can't forget she ignored me in public and suddenly reaches out to me for me to give her feedback because she needs it and needs advice. It's bizarre. She didn't even ask if I know anyone in this team or if I've worked with this team, she just said she wants my feedback on the team. She knows I started working remotely and I'm still remote, so it's not like I could suddenly network with someone randomly. 

In any case - I politely said: "The job sounds interesting. Unfortunately, I don't have any dealings with this team, so I can't advise at all. Best of luck!". 

Perhaps I should have shown a bit more sympathy given her current situation, but she's still employed and she already has an offer on hand on top of not knowing when the redundancies will hit, but she will nonetheless have a decent severance package. It's not like she's going bankrupt. I was already annoyed that she ignored me in public to bombard me suddenly now that she wants advice, I didn't think much of it and I simply acted a bit short. It hit me afterwards I should have sympathized a bit, but again, she never asks how I'm doing and all our chats have been about her, so why would I bother, I don't know. Perhaps I'm looking at this the wrong way and judging harshly, but from this pattern, she only talks to me when she's interested in something. 

[Cherylyn]

Even though what you've said to her was very good, if you don't wish to be bothered by her anymore,  give her a final message should she reach out to you again.  Text her this:  "I wish you all the best and please respect my wishes by not contacting me anymore.  Thank you, Your Name."  You do not owe her an explanation nor sympathy whatsoever.  She's a grown woman so let her take care of herself.  You are under no obligation to her nor are you responsible for her well being.  She is responsible for her own mental state and life.  You need to dissolve and exit this toxic friendship and make it final. 

Or, since she refuses to take a hint by your distancing yourself from her, practice ignoring her, then ghost, block and delete her.  There are times when you need to take Draconian steps in order to attain your peace of mind.

Whenever you sympathize people, they'll pounce on you and take advantage of your soft heart.  Unfortunately, kindness is sometimes perceived as being weak, vulnerable and easy targets for some predators.  In order to protect yourself in this world, you have to be cool in order to mentally survive.  I was once you.  Before you know it, you'll be in "doormat" mode again if you don't learn to develop a backbone and toughen up. 

Often times, it's to your advantage to judge harshly in order to protect yourself.  This is how the world is.  You have to learn to dodge a lot of bullets and ELIMINATE intolerable and unacceptable energy vampires from your life.   

[LaHermes]

45 minutes ago, RuedeRivoli said:

Perhaps I should have shown a bit more sympathy given her current situation, but she's still employed and she already has an offer on hand on top of not knowing when the redundancies will hit, but she will nonetheless have a decent severance package. It's not like she's going bankrupt. I was already annoyed that she ignored me in public to bombard me suddenly now that she wants advice, I didn't think much of it and I simply acted a bit short. It hit me afterwards I should have sympathized a bit, but again, she never asks how I'm doing and all our chats have been about her, so why would I bother, I don't know. Perhaps I'm looking at this the wrong way and judging harshly, but from this pattern, she only talks to me when she's interested in something. 

Please Rivoli. Stop going over this again and again. Stop giving her space in your brain.!

NOT your problem.  This is several zeros to the left territory.

Ther eis no need to listen to anything to know what you have to do and say.  Just cut off. End of story. 

 

[boltnrun]

Your thought processes are classic codependent. You think you're responsible for other people because you fear being friendless and unloved. 

Well, you're not.

You don't need to take on her issues. She's a grownup and can take care of herself.

[Rose Mosse]

Don't respond. I don't see the issue here. She's not a friend of yours. A friend is someone who says hello in passing, introduces you to their friends and boyfriend also in passing and spends time with you in person or is interested in your life. You share and laugh together.

Block her number from now on if she's bothering you also at all hours. 

[RuedeRivoli]

So, after my message yesterday, I ended up blocking her because I personally didn't want to deal with her anymore. Since I had already removed her from my WhatsApp contacts after she ignored me in public and had removed my "last online" visibility months prior, there was pretty much no way she'd know I blocked her. The only give away would be the one check on WhatsApp if she responded (one check could be due to your phone being off or out of range etc as we all know). 

Anyways, fast forward, she went ahead and removed me from her LinkedIn contacts first thing this morning. I didn't even think about removing her from my contacts because I personally do not care. She wasted no time when for what we know, the non-delivery could be to my phone being turned off.

Next time, she should think twice about ignoring someone in public after they politely helped her out and the suddenly reappear like a flower asking for "advice" after utter disrespect. It doesn't work like that. That's how little minded she is. She clearly is not conscious of her actions. I bet she has no clue why I suddenly went cold, but then again, I think my response was polite enough, not confrontational.

I have to say, she really negatively impacted my week, but who cares. She might even bad-mouth me to common "friends" and say I let her down at a moment where she needed advice the most, but again, if she cared about me, she would have contacted me at times other than when she needed something. Those common "friends" we had already warned me about her and they were right. 

[Cherylyn]

You did the right thing by blocking and deleting her from your life.  You do not need toxic and abusive people in your life.  Anytime a person is toxic and abusive, they're not your friend.  They're merely using you.  You are nobody to them.  This is how cruel some people are. 

It's good that she removed you from her LinkedIn.  It's better to sever all ties.  It's healthier for both of you to permanently go your separate ways.  Parting ways is a form of permanent peace.

I agree about your disdain for people ignoring you in public after you've helped them or even if they know you.  It's happened to me in the past and it's part of life.  They've demonstrated their real character which is disgusting.  You did the right thing by not being confrontational.  It's better to release certain people from your life than confront them.  Confrontations are very intense, stressful fights and it's not worth the aggravation and feeling worse tomorrow.  It's better to stay away from people who don't behave honorably.  My mother taught me to always stay away from people who don't treat you with respect, dignity and stay away from people who don't bring you joy.

Don't care about her bad mouthing you behind your back to mutual friends.  Whenever anyone bad mouths anyone, it's alarming because suddenly I question, "What are they bad mouthing about me?"  I don't trust those who bad mouth others within mutual social circles.  Your friends know who you are and know you're a decent human being.  They've forewarned you about her not being a good person.  I'm glad you eventually heeded their warning. 

The best thing you did was to get rid of her from your life.  Good riddance!  It's a relief.

Life's experiences taught me to become very wary and jaded which is to my benefit because my guard is up and hopefully yours is, too, RuedeRivoli.  In the future, beware of those who exhibit unnatural, overzealous behavior regarding interest in you.  Those types of individuals have an agenda in mind, tend to use you and discard you when you no longer benefit them.  Or, if they no longer need to use you, they'll discard you like garbage.  This very harsh lesson happened to me. 

Normal people don't act off, strange and weird.  Normal people know how to behave with their interpersonal skills.  Normal people are empathetic and possess decorum.  Normal people are moral, conscientious and extremely secure.  Stay away from everyone else otherwise you'll end up getting hurt, offended, you will become infuriated and it won't end well.  You'll be busy trying to eliminate toxic, dysfunctional people from your life.  It's to your benefit to become a harsh and better judge of character.  Live and learn.  I was once you.  All was not in vain.  Bad experiences cause you to mature, become more intelligent and gain wisdom. 

[LaHermes]

48 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

Normal people don't act off, strange and weird.  Normal people know how to behave with their interpersonal skills.  Normal people are empathetic and possess decorum.  Normal people are moral, conscientious and extremely secure. 

Quite so.  

Rivoli.  You just have to get smart at seeing these types coming, a mile away.