Is it fair for me to be upset about this?

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, gamon said:

Living with someone is a compromise. It's rather surprising that several responders saw his partner inviting a friend over as unreasonable.

Freaking man up and go watch TV or go to bed if her friend being there is so bothersome.

 

 

Depends if there is an upstairs.  We don't.  I keep our son quiet mornings because my husband sleeps in - otherwise he'd have the TV/computer at a louder volume, I'd run the wash, etc - and being cooped up in a room after working all day just to get peace and quiet and unwind is not insignificant especially since she teleworks and has other option.

[Anonymous]

[boltnrun]

1 hour ago, Guest Anonymous said:

Yes, as long as it's a legitimate mistake. Having an affair or abusing a partner or stealing from one's workplace** are not mistakes but rather choices. Good people don't make those kinds of choices.

That being said, people CAN legitimately decide to change. I did. I've done some things in the past that I'm ashamed of. But I will never do them again.

**Shoplifting baby food or diapers from a store because you have no money is different than stealing from your boss so you can buy yourself jewelry or a fancy car or a vacation.

Topic? I think basic courtesy would involve notifying your partner in advance (more than one hour!) if you plan to have friends over. And demanding that your partner entertain your unexpected guests is not considerate.

 

[Anonymous]

Sorry my bad that reply was for a different topic. Oops.

 

[abitbroken]

You are a couple, not roommates. Its fair for you to be warned/have a part in deciding when you will entertain. What if you told her that you really need some downtime after work, and what about "let' sinvite friends over friday night" or something.  The fact that she expects you to be ready to entertain an have your party face on for people on zero notice is rude.  You are not saying she can't have a friend stop by. BIG difference from being a host.

[pjant]

5 hours ago, gamon said:

Living with someone is a compromise. It's rather surprising that several responders saw his partner inviting a friend over as unreasonable.

Freaking man up and go watch TV or go to bed if her friend being there is so bothersome.

 

 

Her inviting a friend over is not my issue or unreasonable to me, as I’ve stated multiple times before. I just want to know in advance, not right before I’m getting off of work. I’ve gotten the answer to my question though. 

I’m not a man so won’t be “manning up” but will definitely be taking everyones advice on communicating my needs better. 

[DarkCh0c0]

28 minutes ago, pjant said:

I’m not a man

What? Then what are you?

[Wiseman2]

31 minutes ago, pjant said:

I’m not a man so won’t be “manning up” but will definitely be taking everyones advice on communicating my needs better. 

Agree. You've been together long enough  for her to now your personality.

However you've only lived together 14 Days so there will be some rough edges to smooth out regarding boundaries.

Expecting you to entertain is unreasonable, perhaps a compromise such as that's your time to not interact with people and do what you wish in the quiet of your bedroom.

[boltnrun]

17 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

What? Then what are you?

Same sex couple, I presume.

[LotusBlack]

2 hours ago, pjant said:

Her inviting a friend over is not my issue or unreasonable to me, as I’ve stated multiple times before. I just want to know in advance, not right before I’m getting off of work. I’ve gotten the answer to my question though. 

I’m not a man so won’t be “manning up” but will definitely be taking everyones advice on communicating my needs better. 

You mentioned in a previous comment that you don’t want to be perceived as controlling by bringing up this issue and discussing your needs. You can avoid that by framing it in an open and kind way, such as, “I really want for you to be able to have your friends over and spend quality time together. But, we should establish some ground rules so that we are both happy and comfortable with the situation.” Then tell her what your general needs are in this situation and invite her to do the same - and let her know that her needs are important to you, or invite her to do so first and then share yours. Once you both have all the information, discuss where compromises can be made so that each/both are happy.

As long as you listen to her and she to you, and you are both calm, kind, and reasonable, there is no need for things to go pear-shaped or intentions to be misconstrued. And, as other posters have said, schedule a time where you can sit down and really talk it out without time constraints or emotions on high.

[gamon]

18 hours ago, pjant said:

 . I just want to know in advance

Well maybe she didn't know in advance.

You need to be more flexible and tolerant or you might very well find yourself alone.

 

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, gamon said:

Well maybe she didn't know in advance.

You need to be more flexible and tolerant or you might very well find yourself alone.

 

If she heard from her friend last minute she should have told her "let me check with my partner and I'll let you know" and then  tell her partner about the last minute situation and ask if its ok."  Flexibility goes both ways.

[abitbroken]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

If she heard from her friend last minute she should have told her "let me check with my partner and I'll let you know" and then  tell her partner about the last minute situation and ask if its ok."  Flexibility goes both ways.

Agree. Stopping by is fine, but expecting a dinner party with all the stops pulled out or for the other person to play host is different.

 

3 hours ago, gamon said:

Well maybe she didn't know in advance.

You need to be more flexible and tolerant or you might very well find yourself alone.

 

I completely disagree with you. (she did know in advance because she invited them) I am an introverted person and if my guy had friends over when i arrived home and expected me to entertain them - tell charming stories, maybe cook or whatever, that would be a heck no.    If he told me he had a friend stop by, but i was free to tackle what i needed to do after work as long as i popped in and said hello, that's different.   He knows not to blindside me like that, and he is the opposite, he needs time BEFORE work to not have any demands on his schedule to get what he needs to get done done and have that mental prep time.  I don't have friends or family stop by at that time. 

Instead, we decide what day we are going to invite friends over for dinner at a time that works for both so we can both have our schedules clear and can enjoy our guests

[pjant]

Update: spoke to my partner. She said that being with me gave her the freedom that she really was unable to have in her previous relationship. She admitted that she was taking advantage of the “freedom” because she felt she didn’t know how long she’d have it. She was just doing things anytime her friends asked because she didn’t know if she’d get the chance to again (because she didnt know if I’d turn out like her ex)* but once I told her how I was feeling and why I was feeling it she said she realized that her freedom wasn’t going anywhere and that she will try to do better about remembering that. We made several compromises and really set down and spoke about the boundaries that we were holding back from speaking to each other about (mostly me doing the holding back). Thank you to everyone that gave me the push to communicate better. 

[Batya33]

What a great and promising resolution!  She sounds very thoughtful and open to hearing you and getting you.

[gamon]

On 8/20/2021 at 2:44 PM, abitbroken said:

Agree. Stopping by is fine, but expecting a dinner party with all the stops pulled out or for the other person to play host is different.

I completely disagree with you. (she did know in advance because she invited them) I am an introverted person and if my guy had friends over when i arrived home and expected me to entertain them - tell charming stories, maybe cook or whatever, that would be a heck no.

The first post says nothing about her having to entertain her girlfriends company.

If that was the case my response would have been different.

No one is asking her to do anything, she's under no obligation whatsoever to tell charming stories or cook or whatever.

 

 

[boltnrun]

1 hour ago, gamon said:

The first post says nothing about her having to entertain her girlfriends company.

If that was the case my response would have been different.

No one is asking her to do anything, she's under no obligation whatsoever to tell charming stories or cook or whatever.

 

 

She said this: "I want to chill in* the bedroom but she gets upset when I don’t want to mingle with them. I would not care if she didn’t expect me to entertain them. "

So she was expected to help entertain her girlfriend's guests.  But it seems like they had a good talk.

[gamon]

So what her girlfriend expects her to entertain. That's her girlfriends issue, doesn't mean she has to comply or give it any thought. It's a matter of saying "Have fun with your friends but I'm going to chill out by myself". End of story. Not whining about how "It's not fair that I have to entertain her friends and I didn't get any notice about it".

 

[boltnrun]

10 hours ago, gamon said:

The first post says nothing about her having to entertain her girlfriends company.

If that was the case my response would have been different.

No one is asking her to do anything, she's under no obligation whatsoever to tell charming stories or cook or whatever.

 

23 minutes ago, gamon said:

So what her girlfriend expects her to entertain. That's her girlfriends issue, doesn't mean she has to comply or give it any thought. It's a matter of saying "Have fun with your friends but I'm going to chill out by myself". End of story. Not whining about how "It's not fair that I have to entertain her friends and I didn't get any notice about it".

So which is it?  LOL

Anyway, she said they talked it over and reached a compromise so all's good now.

[gamon]

13 hours ago, boltnrun said:

So which is it?  LOL

Her girlfriend wants her to entertain, that does not mean she's any obligation to entertain.

Her girlfriend's expectations are her girlfriend's issue.

All she's gotta do is say "no", rather than complaining about how unfair her girlfriend is being by having a friend over with little or no notice.

There's nothing to argue about here.