I feel disgusted by my actions

[ScaredofSpiders]

Hello,

Let me start with the background of our relationship between me and XX. 

We started dating after High School, where we met. Back them I knew them as a different gender and name, and I kind of made some mistakes along the way. I was in love after the second month of spending time with them, and tried to show them that right off the bat although I came across as uninterested multiple times because I was younger and dumber, and was nervous to have intercourse with them because I felt asexual at the time. This quickly led to them believing I was unattracted to them and that I was not interested, which was far from the case. Our work history has been on and off over 3 years with us finding a job, then leaving it usually. For different reasons, we both bounced between jobs and usually led us to struggle for financial interdependence. This all has led to a recent issue with our relationship (if it even exists). 

 

About 4 months ago I made a comment about wanting to enter an open-relationship because I felt so comfortable with them in our 3 1/2 year relationship, that I was ready for myself or them to meet other people on the basis that were the number one for each other. They asked me if I was serious about it, and I said yes although they believed I was joking because I almost was - at the time I had said in a joking manner but dearly meant it. We started drinking in the beginning of quarantine, and have been drinking every week since then. The drinking was once where we made jokes, made out, and played our favorite video games and just spend quality time with one another. About 3 months ago, we got into an argument when drinking and they had left to their friends house while I was in the bath, and then after realizing they were gone I called them begging to come back home. They didn't. Instead we talked on the phone and they said they would call me in the morning. As the morning came around, we met up in person in our favorite park and walked around and talked. They said they wanted to take a break and admitted to sleeping with one of their friends. I told them that I was not upset, but they wanted to take a break. However later in the day we both agreed to stay in our relationship to try and fix things. 

The rest of the month and thereafter we discussed our feelings and our relationship, and it had looked like it was moving along smoothly with an open-relationship and trying to patch things together. Around two months ago we started arguing again while drinking, over small things usually that led to big fights. We would make up the next day and go back to working on our relationship, although we both kept drinking and trying to pretend like things were normal. I wanted more than anything in the world for things to be normal, and for us to fix our broken relationship. 

Moving onto recently, things have taken a severe turn for the worse. A couple nights ago, they and I were playing a video game while drinking as we usually do and having fun while doing it. We were listening to music on my TV as usual, and then things took an extreme turn. They asked me, which I assumed 100% as a joke, if "Ain't ***" by Doja Cat was a song I dedicated to them. I said Yes, but of course entirely it was just a joke but they were hurt. I didn't understand why it had been such a big deal, and started an argument on how I just joking. By then, I should have apologized and then chose a true song to show them I was only kidding, but instead I kept arguing. They became so furious they stood up and said that I was screaming at them and wanted to hit me. As they put on more casual clothes and tried to find their keys, I became so upset that I grabbed their wrist and held them onto the bed for about 10 seconds as I was crying, begging them not to leave drunk or leave at all. I then, idiotically, stood in front of the door begging for their forgiveness. This was the first time in 3 1/2 years I've ever done something like that, scaring them into tears. I never ever wanted to hurt them, and I don't know why I thought it was a good idea at the time, and it never was. Tears running down their face, truly scared of what I did, they ran to the car and drove off. 

I cannot for the life of me understand why I hurt them, touched them in such an abusive manner and I fear that they are permanently scarred by my actions. I cannot take back what I did, and only want them to know how much I am sorry and would never hurt them in any way, I would rather die before raising my fist at them. But what I did is unforgiveable, and while trying to mend a broken relationship it was likely the entire end of our relationship. I don't deserve to be happy after scaring them, and I would never in a million years hurt someone else like that. I don't know what came over me, I was so terrified of them driving drunk while we were arguing and scared of them leaving. The next day they came to my house to collect their belongings and left. They came back and we spoke, and they told me they don't hate me but are not sure they can forgive me for what I've done. For maybe the last time, we smoked and watched a tv show episode together. Tears running down my face as they left, maybe saying goodbye for the last time. 

 

It's been less than 48 hours since this all happened and I don't know what to think, what to do, and if I should even reach out to them. Do they hate me? Do they look at me like I'm abusive towards them? Does this end everything we've been working on?

[SooSad33]

1 hour ago, ScaredofSpiders said:

I cannot for the life of me understand why I hurt them, touched them in such an abusive manner and I fear that they are permanently scarred by my actions.

I cannot answer all of these Q's for you.

You say you fear they are scarred by your actions.. and then ask If they saw you as abusive with them... I am sure they've never seen this side of you, correct?

IF this was again while drinking then maybe YOU can consider getting that under control?  And if you've got an addiction, you'll need help with this.

Do not reach out.. you be respectful & leave them alone .

Does this end all?  I'd figure so!  You two were no good for each other anyways... All the back & forth. Together, than split.. Talk of an open relationship?  Arguments and all the drinking.  Nothing but problems.

Then you fly off the handle and approach them freaking out. That should not happen again!

I feel you two have been building things up for a while ( push & pull is damaging) . It's a form on control & uncertainty.  You're either in it & try.. Or you're out.  No Games!

Anyways... no contact.  Leave it alone now.

Work on yourself some.  Get yourself back to good.  Get into a clear mind and focus on accepting & moving ahead with your life. - and let this be a learning experience.

 

[Pleasedonot5]

Hey, ScaredofSpiders.

The drinking started out fun, but ended up with you both continually having arguments. 

I think I missed the part where you both definitively agreed to an open relationship. When you discussed this initially, did you both reach a serious agreement or was it left up in the air? Because after that conversation, your partner and you were arguing, and then they stormed off to sleep with someone else. If there was no actual agreement, that is infidelity. Either way, listen: I think open relationships are fine, but not when one partner uses it as a vindictive tool. Even if your partner was not unfaithful, they used the "openness" of the relationship to gain one-up on you. Unless I misunderstand something, your partner mistreated you here.

Then, the recent incident. It was a silly argument. But, you were both drunk. You both escalated the argument. Neither of you backed down. Your partner looked for their keys and you tried to stop them. Your motivation was probably reasonable: you did not want them to drive drunk. How you acted was a different story. I go back and forth with just how culpably you acted. On one hand, you have no right to confine or restrain someone like that: especially not in the way you did it: yelling, grabbing, and pinning. On the other, depending on how inebriated they were, they could have presented a major danger to themselves and the public. Further, what they were going to do is probably considerably illegal where you live.

Your actions might have been more justifiable if you hid the keys, simply stood in front of the door while trying to talk them down, or took some other action of that sort. But you went over the top and, while drunk, you pinned and screamed at your partner. 

Anyway, although your partner was culpable in this too, you clearly crossed one of their boundaries or limits. The relationship looks to be over. And honestly, given their infidelity and the rising toxicity levels between the two of you (you do not bear all the blame for this), I think it is best for you to let this person go. 

If there is to be any possibility of reconciliation, you both have items to work on.

- Cut the weekly drinking or limit the amount you drink. If one of you drinks a lot, keys must be surrendered (or other precaution). 

- Resolve to set unequivocal boundaries in your relationships when discussing what is acceptable and what is infidelity. No ambiguity or joking because you're nervous about what your partner may think. Some rules that might be appropriate for an open relationship are (1) no abusing the openness of the relationship; i.e., one partner should not go have sex with another to get back at their partner for an argument, (2) any people that are off limits, (3) std protection / testing; and whatever else. 

-Seek out advice or counseling for communicating better and controlling anger during arguments.

As for how your (ex-) partner feels, they have said you scared them and they are not sure they can get over that. I don't think they hate you but I think you both crossed some boundaries in your relationship. The best thing you can do in my opinion is work on yourself and give space. Express your openness to fixing what went wrong (with definitive actions) and reconciliation if that is what you want and if it helps you heal. But either way, you should go no contact to heal and move on. 

--

Hope this helps. 

[MissCanuck]

I don't think your ex hates you, but recognizes that this relationship was way off in the ditch and on fire - and it's time for it to be over, for good. 

You two have hurt each other in multiple different ways and this has become dysfunctional. Sometimes it's best to set each other free. 

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, ScaredofSpiders said:

 We started drinking . been drinking every week .The drinking was once where we made jokes.argument when drinking  morning. months ago we started arguing again while drinking.we both kept drinking . .were playing a video game while drinking as we usually do.I grabbed their wrist begging them not to leave drunk.

You need to get sober. It's that simple. You're resorting to violence.

One or both of you is going to end up in jail if you don't stop getting drunk and getting into fights.

Get into detox, rehab, AA for a start. Get appropriate employment so you are not dependant.

Your focus on open relationships, video games,etc. is misplaced if you can't get sober and get yourself together.

[boltnrun]

This is a drama relationship, escalated by all the drinking.

Do you find drunken drama relationships exciting?  If so, you need to find someone who also loves drunken drama.  The two of you can battle it out until someone gets arrested.  

This one, however, seems to want to get off the drunk crazy train.  Let them go.

[catfeeder]

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

This is a drama relationship, escalated by all the drinking.

Do you find drunken drama relationships exciting?  If so, you need to find someone who also loves drunken drama.  The two of you can battle it out until someone gets arrested.  

This one, however, seems to want to get off the drunk crazy train.  Let them go.

I agree. Heavy drinking is well known to stunt maturity. It keeps the drinker in a perpetual state of dramatic adolescence that will never evolve into anything beyond itself.

You can't emote meaning into anything. The only thing that isn't fleeting about drunken promises or behaviors is the consequences.

The only two roads for a heavy drinker are to get bored enough of that state to leave it behind, OR to fall into it even heavier while life passes you by.

You get to pick, but it sounds like partner is done with this episode.