Insecurity while dating a girl brings out the worst in me

[Batya33]

26 minutes ago, East4 said:

Yes, I'm aware, I'm following the thread from the beginning. 

I cannot understand à clear split from an ex, if one is hanging out with the ex's friend group, working with him, etc. Looks like an unfinished business with an ex.

I agree. 

[bbogdanov]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

I’ve written many times I’m just offering an opinion and re confirmed that in my post. I have no gold standard.  Far from it. I got in my own way for years and likely would have been happily married with more than one baby had I not. I have zero regrets. I finally stopped sabotaging myself which was not all but a nice chunk of why I wasn’t reaching my goals. I married my ex fiancé  so you’d better believe it that had I been in a committed relationship when he re entered my life other than the extremely impersonal and occasional contact we had over a 7 year period there could have been a risk.  But I didn’t act inappropriately in exclusive relationships so had he contacted me then and had I been happy in my relationship it would have had no impact at all.  I would have ended my current relationship if I realized I wanted to be with him.  When we reconnected neither of us were in a committed relationship and that is why we were able to reconnect -

I wouldn’t have met him for two platonic dinners and theater had I been involved with someone else - because to me that would have been playing with fire plus I wouldn’t  have been interested. So no gold standard here  I made plenty of mistakes  I am beyond thankful I kept in touch with certain exes (one of whom is married to a man - so does that  count ??) and I’m happy my husband is in touch with his friends whether or not he went on dates with or dated a few of them  and that we trust each other to behave appropriately.
We had one disagreement about appropriate since 2005. In 2005.  I did what he asked. The person (who id never dated or kissed or anything but had considered it at one time ) actually agreed to the plan my then boyfriend preferred and went out of his way to get to know my boyfriend.  

  I don’t think the OP should be with anyone who thinks being in contact with exes is ok and most particularly in  this situation where IN MY VERY HUMBLE OPINION she’s twisting herself in a pretzel to accommodate his standards. and will have very personal contact with this ex who in particular couldn’t care less if she’s involved or not. Especially when he drinks. Which beach vacations tend to include.

 My disagreement with the severity of those standards and how he chose to impose them on her is completely irrelevant. Just saying in a humble way - be with someone who feels as you do.  She does not.  At all. 

You have summarized your opinion and experience very well!

I really don’t want her to twist herself to accomodate my standards. That’s why I was seriously considering ending things a month ago but it turned out she herself was willing to cease contact with the ex because she said that she thought it wasn’t appropriate. So I relaxed because it seemed that we were on the same page. But then this different interpretation (severity of my standards) came up…

[Jibralta]

4 hours ago, bbogdanov said:

I am more bothered by the principle of having exes as friends. It's not acceptable for me and I find it strange and inappropriate, incomprehensible. It's a tenet of mine and I guess it can be compared to something like the different views on politics (some are more liberal, some are more conservative...), every coin has two sides.

You are right about the title and my insecurity. But that insecurity was more in connection with her texting style, my internal struggles and so on. While keeping in touch with exes might make me a little bit insecure, it's not as much of an insecurity issue for me as it is a compatibility or a value one. 

Ok, well you're saying a couple of different things here. It's either acceptable to you or it's not. You are still with her, so (whether you like it or not) you are accepting it. 

[boltnrun]

What would a compromise look like to you regarding communication with an ex? @bbogdanov

[bbogdanov]

2 hours ago, Jibralta said:

Ok, well you're saying a couple of different things here. It's either acceptable to you or it's not. You are still with her, so (whether you like it or not) you are accepting it. 

That’s why I said that I will need some time to think about it and to see if there’s some room for flexibility. It’s not acceptable for me but at least I can dig deeper and reason with myself. And I didn’t really understand what her stance was after all - that conversation didn’t clear things up…

[bbogdanov]

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

What would a compromise look like to you regarding communication with an ex? @bbogdanov

The biggest compromise to me would be to accept an eventual random contact from an ex which must not become a habit.

[boltnrun]

18 minutes ago, bbogdanov said:

The biggest compromise to me would be to accept an eventual random contact from an ex which must not become a habit.

I meant what is acceptable to you. Is what you wrote above what you are willing to do?

[Jibralta]

3 hours ago, bbogdanov said:

And I didn’t really understand what her stance was after all - that conversation didn’t clear things up…

I agree. I think you're going to have to learn as you go. You're really just getting to know each other at this point.

[bbogdanov]

10 hours ago, boltnrun said:

I meant what is acceptable to you. Is what you wrote above what you are willing to do?

What I wrote was what would be my upper tolerance limit IF I found some room for flexibility and changing my views. There are two ways to find out:

- dedicating some alone time for self-reflection and reasoning with myself, imagining the hypothetical situation and predicting how I would feel; the con here is that feelings are not logical but if one manages to change the perception, feeling might change too, I guess? And even if I change my attitude, I can only be certain if I experience the event (it may be just wishful thinking of mine). Until then, nothing's guaranteed...

- ignoring everything (burying my head in the sand) and waiting for such event to see how I would feel; the negative thing here is the possibility of everything falling to pieces and the wasted time.

To me (at this moment) - no contact from an ex is acceptable.

[bbogdanov]

7 hours ago, Jibralta said:

I agree. I think you're going to have to learn as you go. You're really just getting to know each other at this point.

So you suggest the second option from my post above? I don't want to rush things and I think I can ignore this thing for now and concentrate on the positive experience of dating her and see when this goes.

[Jibralta]

2 hours ago, bbogdanov said:

So you suggest the second option from my post above?

I think you're falling somewhere in thee middle, which is fine. It is what it is. You're going to have another life experience. Strap your seatbelt on and enjoy the ride.

[bbogdanov]

3 hours ago, Jibralta said:

I think you're falling somewhere in thee middle, which is fine. It is what it is. You're going to have another life experience. Strap your seatbelt on and enjoy the ride.

Your last sentence sounds good  Thanks! She is coming back this evening and I am meeting her upon arrival. We'll have some time together and she will leave for the vacation on Sunday. Let's hope everything goes well and when she returns, we are having our own vacation.

[Batya33]

That's nice that you have a vacation to look forward to!  

[bbogdanov]

8 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

That's nice that you have a vacation to look forward to!  

It's my turn to have a vacation with her after the ex gets to have one first