Insecurity while dating a girl brings out the worst in me

[bbogdanov]

12 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Nope not true.  I wouldn't have my husband had I "required" him because he would never have gone for someone dictating such an overreaction based on my insecurity issues.  I'm glad I married someone who would not put up with that level of control and nonsense. 

There's a possibility of everything.  But here's a guarantee -if you choose fear/insecurities and micromanage your own or try to do that to someone else  - there's a 100% guarantee you will miss out on positive life experiences for a negative reason.

  Many of the close connections I have to people and through other people (because I'm awesome at networking) and numerous professional successes are through other people are because I don't cut someone out of my life just because we dated or had a relationship. 

To me it's much more nuanced and I would never try to "require" my husband to do almost anything -there are exceptions that involve health and safety/this pandemic but I choose my battles carefully as does he.  We had a long talk about his most recent ex when we got back together.  I asked nothing of him.  He told me his plan since they still worked together and I trusted him to know what was the right thing to do.  I did not trust her -she tried to get him back - but it didn't change my trust in him.

We couldn't have been together had I required him for example to change jobs or to avoid any personal contact with her because as you may know working with people successfully often involves chatting about things that are not entirely work related.  In many jobs it's how you build relationships, how you get promoted, how you get a good reference for your next job.  

  You can say what you wrote about "ignorance is bliss" about almost all of life's experiences - it's a broad cliche and I will not live my life telling myself "well I'm going to give into my insecurities and avoid X and Y and Z and it's fine because I'll never know what I'm missing."  Had I done that I wouldn't have my career, marriage or child.  For example.  If you want to it's fine but know that your girlfriend doesn't or she would have wanted to cancel her vacation "well if I don't go and I ignore social media I won't know what I'm missing and there's a possibility I'd have a bad time anyway". 

She's going because she does NOT feel as you do-that ignorance is bliss -and she does not have the hard stance about exes.  I will tell you this -if she fears your reaction and she is apart from you having a great time that fear will likely turn to resentment that she allowed herself to be fearful and controlled by you.  He and her friends will be in close proximity.  On vacation.  Being carefree, not fearful.  Free not controlled.  You're pushing her along a path of making a choice to choose fun over fear.  

You are focusing on the "requiring" part but that doesn't change the fact that you had no way of knowing you would miss something good (in that case a female friend) because you are using your current knowledge and the successful outcome. The hypothetical possibility for a friendship do exist but that can be said for many other situations (you can meet a random person on the street and become friends or whatever with the same success).

Whatever insecurities I have, keeping in touch with exes is not working for me (and I guess it's valid for many other people) so I really don't care about missing out on positive life experiences - I don't even get how an ex will be of benefit to me in that respect??

I don't really need connections now. I've got my circle of friends which I know for decades and I am happy and content with it.

And I don't know why we keep insisting on "requiring". Nothing is required, everybody is free to do as he/she wishes. If she is not OK with my - she is free to leave. The same is valid for me. The third option is some compromise as we already discussed.

I don't feel that ignorance is bliss. I repeat - it's easy talking from the comfort of retrospection, it reinforces one's views and boosts self-esteem. It would be not so bright if things went the other way and nobody would speak about it then...

[bbogdanov]

24 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

You created your own problem because you took such an extreme stance that made no rational sense to her (understandably) so she likely never thought you meant it is as rigidly as you did. 

Reminds me of my family road trip last week.  I don't like eating or having my son eat food that's been out too long.  My husband is far more lenient.  He gave him a small bite of a french fry that had been out a couple of hours and when my son mentioned something about having a fry my husband said no.  Because he honestly believed a tiny bite is not "having french fries".  Right.  My son told me he had a tiny bite, he was fine and so I told my husband - eating is eating - I don't want him having food that's been out in his mouth even a little bit. 

Did my husband lie? He apologized and to him a bite isn't eating.  Same with your ex - I am probably too extreme because of my fear of food poisoning and my husband lacks that fear so a bite is not eating.  You have these deep insecurities when it comes to romantic relationships she does not have so she can't relate to your extreme stance.  When people act out of irrational fear and insecurity it's a real risk that others will not understand your rigid approach.  You created this for yourself.

There isn't anything to be thought of - words are self-explanatory. Keeping contact with a person means literally that, it doesn't depend on frequency, quality or whatever. When a person wants to twist words, he/she tends to twist them in the way that is suitable. My rigid approach is totally fine and logical.

[Batya33]

40 minutes ago, bbogdanov said:

There isn't anything to be thought of - words are self-explanatory. Keeping contact with a person means literally that, it doesn't depend on frequency, quality or whatever. When a person wants to twist words, he/she tends to twist them in the way that is suitable. My rigid approach is totally fine and logical.

To you. Obviously you see where a person can misinterpret.  This is not a written contract with a business partner. I don’t think she’s twisting she’s just shocked that you actually meant no contact to the extent you did.  
And understand she is not on your wavelength - she’s bending over backwards out of fear to accommodate your extreme stance.  Which means she’s not reacting logically - she’s scared of messing up because she can’t relate to your extreme stance.  for now.  But when the cloud nine stuff wears off and her best friend says to her “what?? You have to tell someone who you once dated who casually messages you that your daddy I mean your boyfriend laid down the law that you can’t have contact ?  Are you really ok with that?”  Once she removes the rose colored glasses I think there’s a strong probability she won’t be ok with it. 

I dated a guy like you - at the time I reconnected with my now husband. he was extremely insecure about romantic relationships.  
 

He subjected me to comments and accusations after one or two weeks of dating. Then apologized. Had a therapist. Calmed down for about two weeks then it started again.

And that was too much for me. I mentioned him above.  For the first time in over 15 years he finally has a serious long term girlfriend - about a year.  She seems great and they’re in their late 50s. I set him up with some lovely women over the years. He’s handsome and intelligent and successful and family oriented and his insecurities took him out of the running  with women who are reasonably secure and have their own minds. Be forewarned. 

[Batya33]

I wrote what I wrote above about your rigid and short sighted views that your new girlfriend obviously doesn’t share. And will now go on vacation with her friends and ex who don’t scare her.  She will have space from the person who demanded she not be in contact with any exes.  She’ll have perspective in a beautiful setting with her friends she’s known far longer than you.
Who cares if you have enough connections. She feels the need to maintain these connections and likely make more in her beach vacation.  If you treated her with respect and like someone you trusted you’d be appalled that you scared her but part of you likes this level of control. She’s cool with it now.
 

But likely to change once she has space from you on a gorgeous beach with her friends. You’re getting in your own way.  You’re entitled not to want to make any more connections and cut people out of your life.  

She obviously / by her actions - doesn’t live her life that way or think ignorance is bliss.
Typically absence makes the heart grow fonder. But not a fearful heart.  You’ll find yourself alone but in your comfort zone of eschewing connections and acting out of fear instead of resilience and reasonable trust.  Stop getting in your own way.  I did for years and was darn lucky to wake up in the nick of time and become the right person to find the right person.  Good luck. 

[bbogdanov]

3 hours ago, Batya33 said:

To you. Obviously you see where a person can misinterpret.  This is not a written contract with a business partner. I don’t think she’s twisting she’s just shocked that you actually meant no contact to the extent you did.  
And understand she is not on your wavelength - she’s bending over backwards out of fear to accommodate your extreme stance.  Which means she’s not reacting logically - she’s scared of messing up because she can’t relate to your extreme stance.  for now.  But when the cloud nine stuff wears off and her best friend says to her “what?? You have to tell someone who you once dated who casually messages you that your daddy I mean your boyfriend laid down the law that you can’t have contact ?  Are you really ok with that?”  Once she removes the rose colored glasses I think there’s a strong probability she won’t be ok with it. 

I dated a guy like you - at the time I reconnected with my now husband. he was extremely insecure about romantic relationships.  
 

He subjected me to comments and accusations after one or two weeks of dating. Then apologized. Had a therapist. Calmed down for about two weeks then it started again.

And that was too much for me. I mentioned him above.  For the first time in over 15 years he finally has a serious long term girlfriend - about a year.  She seems great and they’re in their late 50s. I set him up with some lovely women over the years. He’s handsome and intelligent and successful and family oriented and his insecurities took him out of the running  with women who are reasonably secure and have their own minds. Be forewarned. 

Of course it’s not written contract but since when “no contact” has an extent to which it can be interpreted?  It seems that I have to explain every single word/sentence in detail lest it be perceived as something different then or I can have a dictionary in my pocket… I was no less shocked when I learned that she was friend with her ex. It’s all about perception, I guess.

And I don’t fear her hypothetical change in attitude after she removes the rose coloured glasses. I won’t oblige her to do anything. By the same token, my best friend can say to me “what?? She insists on keeping contact with her exes because she is too polite and can’t have strong boundaries? Are you really OK with that?”. I appreciate all the opinions here but I can’t accept that my stance is something extraordinary and out of this world. I strongly believe in it and I don’t need therapy for that. And I don’t make any comments or accusations, in fact she accused me in the beginning that I didn’t trust her and some of you said that it was not a normal reaction…

[bbogdanov]

3 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I wrote what I wrote above about your rigid and short sighted views that your new girlfriend obviously doesn’t share. And will now go on vacation with her friends and ex who don’t scare her.  She will have space from the person who demanded she not be in contact with any exes.  She’ll have perspective in a beautiful setting with her friends she’s known far longer than you.
Who cares if you have enough connections. She feels the need to maintain these connections and likely make more in her beach vacation.  If you treated her with respect and like someone you trusted you’d be appalled that you scared her but part of you likes this level of control. She’s cool with it now.
 

But likely to change once she has space from you on a gorgeous beach with her friends. You’re getting in your own way.  You’re entitled not to want to make any more connections and cut people out of your life.  

She obviously / by her actions - doesn’t live her life that way or think ignorance is bliss.
Typically absence makes the heart grow fonder. But not a fearful heart.  You’ll find yourself alone but in your comfort zone of eschewing connections and acting out of fear instead of resilience and reasonable trust.  Stop getting in your own way.  I did for years and was darn lucky to wake up in the nick of time and become the right person to find the right person.  Good luck. 

I care that I have enough connections and they are the most important ones to me. I don’t need others, especially exes. So I still disagree with you about missing some hypothetical benefits. And for the three years after her breakup, it seems that she didn’t benefit anything being friends with him. I treated her with respect and like someone I trusted. UNTIL she got a late evening call, left me to talk for a while, lied who was it and finally accused me of being distrustful in order to shift the blame and gloss it over.

You seem to explain how the vacation will be but I don’t think it is so big of a possibility. It can be any other way.

[Batya33]

7 minutes ago, bbogdanov said:

I care that I have enough connections and they are the most important ones to me. I don’t need others, especially exes. So I still disagree with you about missing some hypothetical benefits. And for the three years after her breakup, it seems that she didn’t benefit anything being friends with him. I treated her with respect and like someone I trusted. UNTIL she got a late evening call, left me to talk for a while, lied who was it and finally accused me of being distrustful in order to shift the blame and gloss it over.

You seem to explain how the vacation will be but I don’t think it is so big of a possibility. It can be any other way.

And there’s your answer.  You don’t respect her choices in a matter that is deeply important to you.  You can’t have a healthful relationship with someone you don’t respect or trust related to a matter that is so crucial you’ve laid down the law and she’s reacted with fear. 
You’ve taken it upon yourself to analyze her relationship with this person despite having just recently started dating her. 
 

I gave my opinion on how you seem to be getting in your own way.  You’re entitled to disagree. good luck!

[Rose Mosse]

What a lot of hassle. I wouldn't have dinner let alone have sex with an individual who seemed uncomfortable in the relationship or whom I was incompatible with. It would be a strong turn off to the point of no contact whatsoever. B, I'm sorry this is ongoing. Why so much push and pull? Does she actually turn you on? 

[bbogdanov]

38 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

And there’s your answer.  You don’t respect her choices in a matter that is deeply important to you.  You can’t have a healthful relationship with someone you don’t respect or trust related to a matter that is so crucial you’ve laid down the law and she’s reacted with fear. 
You’ve taken it upon yourself to analyze her relationship with this person despite having just recently started dating her. 
 

I gave my opinion on how you seem to be getting in your own way.  You’re entitled to disagree. good luck!

I trusted her in the beginning because I don’t usually start dating being suspicious, I may be even naive most of the times. But that event made me step back and think about it. I trust her now, though. What do you mean by “analyze her relationship with this person”?

I disagree with the theory of missing something by cutting people off your life. But it’s just my opinion. Does “getting in my own way” mean that I am placing obstacles to my success?

[bbogdanov]

13 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

What a lot of hassle. I wouldn't have dinner let alone have sex with an individual who seemed uncomfortable in the relationship or whom I was incompatible with. It would be a strong turn off to the point of no contact whatsoever. B, I'm sorry this is ongoing. Why so much push and pull? Does she actually turn you on? 

What do you mean by push and pull?

She does turn me on, we have great chemistry so at least some aspect of this relationship is fine  

[Rose Mosse]

Just now, bbogdanov said:

What do you mean by push and pull?

She does turn me on, we have great chemistry so at least some aspect of this relationship is fine  

The exes being an issue for you. It's a lot at the back of your mind so why even be around that? Cut her loose to explore her friendships and find someone else more similar to you. You mentioned needing time to figure it out. Maybe it's experiencing love in a relationship that is important to you in the meantime. Do you see a future at all with this person? Or is it a past time only?

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, bbogdanov said:

I trusted her in the beginning because I don’t usually start dating being suspicious, I may be even naive most of the times. But that event made me step back and think about it. I trust her now, though. What do you mean by “analyze her relationship with this person”?

I disagree with the theory of missing something by cutting people off your life. But it’s just my opinion. Does “getting in my own way” mean that I am placing obstacles to my success?

Yes. Your actions and reactions are pushing her away assuming she is a reasonably stable person with reasonable mental health. Some people like being controlled - I’ve had friends use it as an excuse “I can’t because MY BOYFRIEND said no/not comfortable etc”.

 Maybe she does but doesn’t make it healthy.  I never said broadly you’re missing something by cutting people out. I said your cliche ignorance is bliss theory doesn’t fly for your girlfriend.  You’re entitled to believe “well it doesn’t matter if I avoid this or that experience  and give in to insecurities cause I’ll never know what I’m missing so who cares”.  She doesn’t. She’s scared to go on vacation and you ending up upset or worse.

 

 She’s scared of how you will react to contact by an ex. But despite being scared she’s choosing not to miss out on vacation.  She’s unwilling to miss out based on fear.  
 

You’re willing to give in to your insecurities by requiring her to go so far as cut off any ex who even innocently contacts her - who knows - maybe with an awesome career opportunity or another opportunity he knows she’s jump at - by telling this person she’s not allowed to even communicate.
 

You want her to be on board with your extreme stance which has its roots in insecurities.  It’s selfish. Instead work on your issues instead of selfishly subjecting others to it  

More likely than not she’ll tire of accommodating your distrust and suspicion. I didn’t say definitely. More likely than not.

 I agree with Rose. She’s a person who stays in touch with exes.  Plans vacations including exes. Find someone who feels similarly possessive and insecure so you’re on the same page.  

[bbogdanov]

10 hours ago, Rose Mosse said:

The exes being an issue for you. It's a lot at the back of your mind so why even be around that? Cut her loose to explore her friendships and find someone else more similar to you. You mentioned needing time to figure it out. Maybe it's experiencing love in a relationship that is important to you in the meantime. Do you see a future at all with this person? Or is it a past time only?

I mentioned that I needed some time because I wanted to be in a more clear state of mind and to have some rational perspective. And I don't want to act hastily and emotionally. My feelings of discomfort are valid, of course, but I want to explore if there's a room for being more flexible. I can't say if I see a future with this person - it's too early and I am just enjoying the moments together. I think it's got nothing to do with those relationship issues. Even if everything was perfect, I wouldn't be carried away so easily.

[bbogdanov]

8 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Yes. Your actions and reactions are pushing her away assuming she is a reasonably stable person with reasonable mental health. Some people like being controlled - I’ve had friends use it as an excuse “I can’t because MY BOYFRIEND said no/not comfortable etc”.

 Maybe she does but doesn’t make it healthy.  I never said broadly you’re missing something by cutting people out. I said your cliche ignorance is bliss theory doesn’t fly for your girlfriend.  You’re entitled to believe “well it doesn’t matter if I avoid this or that experience  and give in to insecurities cause I’ll never know what I’m missing so who cares”.  She doesn’t. She’s scared to go on vacation and you ending up upset or worse.

 

 She’s scared of how you will react to contact by an ex. But despite being scared she’s choosing not to miss out on vacation.  She’s unwilling to miss out based on fear.  
 

You’re willing to give in to your insecurities by requiring her to go so far as cut off any ex who even innocently contacts her - who knows - maybe with an awesome career opportunity or another opportunity he knows she’s jump at - by telling this person she’s not allowed to even communicate.
 

You want her to be on board with your extreme stance which has its roots in insecurities.  It’s selfish. Instead work on your issues instead of selfishly subjecting others to it  

More likely than not she’ll tire of accommodating your distrust and suspicion. I didn’t say definitely. More likely than not.

 I agree with Rose. She’s a person who stays in touch with exes.  Plans vacations including exes. Find someone who feels similarly possessive and insecure so you’re on the same page.  

My actions are defined by what I feel comfortable with so my goal is not a control over her. It's up to me to decide what to do after our last conversation when it turned out that words didn't mean what they meant and they were open to interpretation. Reasonably stable people with reasonable mental health are not supposed to twist words how they suit them. Or at least if there's some ambiguity - one can always dig deeper by asking further questions and clearing things up. Here I can be guilty too. I will know from now on that I have to specifically ask somebody if he/she's completely understood what I mean so that there isn't misundestanding and room for inappropriate interpretations.

I don't have "ignorance is bliss" cliche theory, where did you get that from?? I only said that you can't make generalizations because of some positive experience which reinforces your views. It's a classical confirmation bias. And if she doesn't share my views - it's an incompatibilty issue, not mine or hers. If she's scared to go on vacation because of the possibility that I would be upset (although I told her many times to not worry about it) - it's totally up to her. Other people's feelings are not my responsibility. Like my feelings are my reponsibility. If I am not comfortable with somebody's way of dealing with things - I am free to leave.

My insecurities have got nothing to do with keeping contact with exes. It's a matter of principle. I have no problem with her texting men who are friends, colleagues, etc. Going out with them would also not bother me. It's her responsibility to behave appropriately and not cross the line. But exes are exes. Last time I saw an ex contact a girl, he started politely and innocently and the next thing you know they were sexting. Not exactly an awesome career opportunity.

I've got to work on my issues, it's out of question. Selfishly subjecting others to my stance is not one of them, I think. And I am not sure it has its roots in insecurities. I don't understand why you are saying it like it's the gospel?

I didn't say that I was distrustful or suspicious, where do you keep getting these things from? I have openly told her that I am not OK with keeping contact with exes. I am openly sharing what my point of view is and I don't hide anything. I couldn't be more overt.

And your labelling of me being possessive is not something I am fine with. It seems rude and condescending and I don't see what it is based upon. I am not checking her phone, I am not asking questions who she is texting or going out with, I am not manipulating her, etc. I am stating my point of view as to what is acceptable and what's not. If she agrees with it and makes a compromise - great! If not - I am free to make a compromise myself or find somebody else. After all - when two people are in a relationship there's a complex dynamic and you can't always have 50/50 power share. Sometimes one person gives in (no matter what the cause is), relationships are not zero-sum equations in the real world. Just my two cents. I still appreciate your input (as well as others'), though, as usual. So feel free to add wisdom whenever you have something to say.

[Jibralta]

2 hours ago, bbogdanov said:

I only said that you can't make generalizations because of some positive experience which reinforces your views.

Why not? It's better than making generalizations based on no experience: 

On 8/4/2021 at 2:57 AM, bbogdanov said:

Call me naive, biased, suspicious or whatever but I am almost sure that most of the times there's some surreptitious purpose. Especially when it's man->woman.

The fact is, Batya was open to having the experience because she felt secure in her ability to handle the outcome, whether it was positive or negative.

You are not open to the experience because you fear the consequences of a negative outcome. That is insecurity.

You don't have to be open to it; it's you prerogative and you can and should live life as you choose. But the title of your thread is a complaint about insecurity. If you don't want insecurity controlling your life, then you need to recognize and admit when you are being controlled by it. That's the only way that you can begin to take control back. 

 

[bbogdanov]

29 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

Why not? It's better than making generalizations based on no experience: 

The fact is, Batya was open to having the experience because she felt secure in her ability to handle the outcome, whether it was positive or negative.

You are not open to the experience because you fear the consequences of a negative outcome. That is insecurity.

You don't have to be open to it; it's you prerogative and you can and should live life as you choose. But the title of your thread is a complaint about insecurity. If you don't want insecurity controlling your life, then you need to recognize and admit when you are being controlled by it. That's the only way that you can begin to take control back. 

 

It's best to not make any generalizations like some of you here said (no matter the experience) but we all make them after all.

I don't know what you mean by handling the outcome because I guess almost everybody has the ability to do it. I've handled many bad situations (no matter how easy or hard it was) but that doesn't mean that I am open to wasting my time for another potential one just to see if the experience will be good or bad. But that's not even the main reason! I might fear eventual negative consequences but I am more bothered by the principle of having exes as friends. It's not acceptable for me and I find it strange and inappropriate, incomprehensible. It's a tenet of mine and I guess it can be compared to something like the different views on politics (some are more liberal, some are more conservative...), every coin has two sides.

You are right about the title and my insecurity. But that insecurity was more in connection with her texting style, my internal struggles and so on. While keeping in touch with exes might make me a little bit insecure, it's not as much of an insecurity issue for me as it is a compatibility or a value one. 

[bbogdanov]

BTW I found a topic about exes somewhere online and I can relate to some of the opinions there (however extreme some of them might be). It's not necessarily connected to this situation.

https://easyupload.io/9xfip7

[East4]

Honestly some posters here have been condescending and projecting their own experience on bbogdanov's story. What works for Batya is not a 'Golden standard' and she should not be pushing her opinion and get upset when bbogdanov disagrees. 

I disagree too that bbogdanov's concerns have no merit and are stemming from his insecurity: to me bbogdanov's GF does lack proper boundaries with her exes and she has been manipulative. She cut a date short to speak with her ex at 11pm while on a date with bbogdanov. Then lied whom she was talking to. Then she is leaving on holidays with said ex. These are so flaring red flags. Girl has no proper boundaries with exes, and when OP is bringing his concerns here, he is getting linched for discussing openly his fears. 

I concur as well, that when ex lovers (men) get in touch with exes, they do have a hidden agenda. Men in BG are too pragmatic to waste time with niceties if they have no 'business' in mind. And she is too nice to cut them off.. doesn't sit right with me. 

[bbogdanov]

10 minutes ago, East4 said:

Honestly some posters here have been condescending and projecting their own experience on bbogdanov's story. What works for Batya is not a 'Golden standard' and she should not be pushing her opinion and get upset when bbogdanov disagrees. 

I disagree too that bbogdanov's concerns have no merit and are stemming from his insecurity: to me bbogdanov's GF does lack proper boundaries with her exes and she has been manipulative. She cut a date short to speak with her ex at 11pm while on a date with bbogdanov. Then lied whom she was talking to. Then she is leaving on holidays with said ex. These are so flaring red flags. Girl has no proper boundaries with exes, and when OP is bringing his concerns here, he is getting linched for discussing openly his fears. 

I concur as well, that when ex lovers (men) get in touch with exes, they do have a hidden agenda. Men in BG are too pragmatic to waste time with niceties if they have no 'business' in mind. And she is too nice to cut them off.. doesn't sit right with me. 

I don't want to generalize and to sound sexist but like I said in some of my previous posts - I know (as a man) that we may often have hidden motives behind an "innocent" reaching out. So I tend to agree with you on the possibility of that happening. Of course she is responsible for rejecting any advances and while I trust her that she won't slip up, it's better not having to do it in the first place...

[East4]

As a woman, when I'm in relationship, I'd either ignore a message from exes, or reply after 3 days with a short 'OK' or 'Thanks'. Exes get the message pretty quickly. 

Networking with exes... Hmm, so many other options for networking, unless they offer a 1M'£ deal, what's the point in getting into sticky situations with exes and disrespect your current partner. 

[bbogdanov]

5 minutes ago, East4 said:

As a woman, when I'm in relationship, I'd either ignore a message from exes, or reply after 3 days with a short 'OK' or 'Thanks'. Exes get the message pretty quickly. 

Networking with exes... Hmm, so many other options for networking, unless they offer a 1M'£ deal, what's the point in getting into sticking situations with exes and disrespect your current partner. 

She is a colleague of that particular ex (that's where they met) but they are in different departments and are usually not having contact related to work (only occasionally). She told me that recently she's even only exchanging emails with him (when needed) and is acting strictly profesionally.

[East4]

Yeah, right. And going on holidays with him too. Strictly professional? 😅 

[bbogdanov]

4 minutes ago, East4 said:

Yeah, right. And going on holidays with him too. Strictly professional? 😅 

Going on holidays is a custom of their friends group (which he is part of) although this group consists of his friends only. She joined the group when she met him...

[East4]

Yes, I'm aware, I'm following the thread from the beginning. 

I cannot understand à clear split from an ex, if one is hanging out with the ex's friend group, working with him, etc. Looks like an unfinished business with an ex.

[Batya33]

I’ve written many times I’m just offering an opinion and re confirmed that in my post. I have no gold standard.  Far from it. I got in my own way for years and likely would have been happily married with more than one baby had I not. I have zero regrets. I finally stopped sabotaging myself which was not all but a nice chunk of why I wasn’t reaching my goals. I married my ex fiancé  so you’d better believe it that had I been in a committed relationship when he re entered my life other than the extremely impersonal and occasional contact we had over a 7 year period there could have been a risk.  But I didn’t act inappropriately in exclusive relationships so had he contacted me then and had I been happy in my relationship it would have had no impact at all.  I would have ended my current relationship if I realized I wanted to be with him.  When we reconnected neither of us were in a committed relationship and that is why we were able to reconnect -

I wouldn’t have met him for two platonic dinners and theater had I been involved with someone else - because to me that would have been playing with fire plus I wouldn’t  have been interested. So no gold standard here  I made plenty of mistakes  I am beyond thankful I kept in touch with certain exes (one of whom is married to a man - so does that  count ??) and I’m happy my husband is in touch with his friends whether or not he went on dates with or dated a few of them  and that we trust each other to behave appropriately.
We had one disagreement about appropriate since 2005. In 2005.  I did what he asked. The person (who id never dated or kissed or anything but had considered it at one time ) actually agreed to the plan my then boyfriend preferred and went out of his way to get to know my boyfriend.  

  I don’t think the OP should be with anyone who thinks being in contact with exes is ok and most particularly in  this situation where IN MY VERY HUMBLE OPINION she’s twisting herself in a pretzel to accommodate his standards. and will have very personal contact with this ex who in particular couldn’t care less if she’s involved or not. Especially when he drinks. Which beach vacations tend to include.

 My disagreement with the severity of those standards and how he chose to impose them on her is completely irrelevant. Just saying in a humble way - be with someone who feels as you do.  She does not.  At all.