Need help

[Username789]

i am having relationship anxiety. my past has been horrible. i had a relationship in my college time. then i worked somewhere and loved someone. due to circumstances we got seperated without saying anything. after that i got into another job where i was not valued professionally. i started running after people bcz i used to feel mentally abandoned. people used to think that i was after them by the vibe i sent. after that i met someone online(which i knew online from previosly) and he influenced me to sexting and pics, sometimes video call. he was married. so he called only sometimes. i thought people love u only if u r like this. suddenly people around me wanted to talk to me like that. then i met someone physically. he wanted to use me but i didnt let him do xx with me though i liked him we only did kisses. we did once or twice video too. i was interested in a metaphysical subject so i came to know a guy which i also did sexting but never showed him my pics. 

above were not my relationships but has become a headache for me now.

in 2018 i met a spiritual guy online and we instanly connected. i felt urge to tell them abt all this. he forgave me and told me that these people did not loved me instead they wanted to use me bcz i was easy. i felt a lot of guilty. i cried a lot but he forgave me. but on soul level i am shameful which is still there in my mind. we shared a great amount of intimacy. but unfortunately this relationship also didnt workout. he left me i was devasted. and tried to manifest true love who will never leave me. after imagining for weeks.. my workplace ex has entered my life again and he is the best person but i feel guilty whenever i see his love. i told him that i have done past mistakes but i cant tell him. he asked me.. if i was divorced or was doing xx work. he has his own understanding and he is conservative too and never had a gf before me.. recently after mental struggle i msgd him that i have kissed amd hugged someone and have done sexting. he got hurt but he said that if i tell him more stupid things i will loose him. he said that if a girl hasnt had xx but has uploaded her pics or videos it is the same thing. he is insecure in relationships and hesitates to move forward thats why it didnt workout previously. but now he is ready to commit. 

i dont want to betray him. i want to die sometimes for having these guilt. am i too bad. i know if i tell him about my online bad experience i will loose him. i am not able to forgive myself and not able to fully invest in this relationship though it is the best relationship. i feel like i am a bad charactered girl. pls help me what should i do. i want to give my partner all my love and 100%. should i tell him everything? am i really a bad charactered person?
 

[Capricorn3]

You need to learn to keep your past and private life private, and not keep telling all these guys what you did and tell them all about your sexting with others etc. It's none of their business.

Also, you need to stop getting involved with married men.

You ask if you really are a "bad character person" which seems to imply that you feel bad and guilty about sexting, sending pics and videos etc.  If that's the case and it makes you feel bad, then simply stop doing it.  Can't be that hard, right?

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, Username789 said:

i msgd him that i have kissed amd hugged someone and have done sexting. he got hurt but he said that if i tell him more stupid things i will loose him.

Are you dating or talking online?

What do you mean by "spiritual" and "conservative"? Do you mean the same religion/culture?

He is bad for you if he puts you down. 

[Rose Mosse]

5 hours ago, Username789 said:

i dont want to betray him. i want to die sometimes for having these guilt. am i too bad. i know if i tell him about my online bad experience i will loose him. i am not able to forgive myself and not able to fully invest in this relationship though it is the best relationship. i feel like i am a bad charactered girl. pls help me what should i do. i want to give my partner all my love and 100%. should i tell him everything? am i really a bad charactered person?
 

Don't date right now. Say goodbye to this insecure ex. It is not the best relationship. You would probably benefit from time alone, learn to love yourself a whole lot more and don't keep looking for validation from people who aren't that great themselves. 

If you feel guilty around someone it's likely he's not right for you. Steer clear and get out of this toxic space. 

[SooSad33]

6 hours ago, Username789 said:

i was devasted. and tried to manifest true love who will never leave me. after imagining for weeks.. my workplace ex has entered my life again and he is the best person but i feel guilty whenever i see his love. i told him that i have done past mistakes but i cant tell him. he asked me.. if i was divorced or was doing xx work. he has his own understanding and he is conservative too and never had a gf before me.. recently after mental struggle i msgd him that i have kissed amd hugged someone and have done sexting. he got hurt but he said that if i tell him more stupid things i will loose him. he said that if a girl hasnt had xx but has uploaded her pics or videos it is the same thing. he is insecure in relationships and hesitates to move forward thats why it didnt workout previously. but now he is ready to commit. 

First of all... he's an ex where it never worked out before

Second, he is a work coleague- not a good idea to get involved with co workers 😕 .

Third, he is also insecure - (telling him you kissed/hugged etc upset him?) .. Wow .

 

6 hours ago, Username789 said:

i am not able to forgive myself and not able to fully invest in this relationship though it is the best relationship. i feel like i am a bad charactered girl. pls help me what should i do. i want to give my partner all my love and 100%. should i tell him everything?

With so much guilt you are holding, you cannot be involved feeling okay with yourself.

No, you do not owe him an explanation of your past.. How long have you been involved with him? ( to feel it's the best relationship?).

Telling him everything will not make you feel whole again.  ( be okay for giving 100%).

IMO, sadly, I don't feel anything will work out for YOU if you see so much doubt and self hatred 😕 .

You don't like anything you have done?  We all act out on occasion.  No one is perfect.  If you feel that you are not really like that nowadays & are improving, good!

But, if you are still feeling so bad, maybe consider some therapy to work on yourself... so it's not forever causing a dark cloud over your head.

If you cannot deal with a relationship - or be in it whole heartedly, then don't expect it to last.

Maybe be best to remain on your own a while and sort some stuff out.

We don't 'need' to always be involved - or be in a relationship to 'feel good'.  No. that comes from within YOU.  No one  else will do that for you.

So, think on all of this.. do you  maybe need some down time, on your own- to work on self?  ❤️ 

[smackie9]

Remember "danger stranger"? well you need to heed those words when dealing with guys on the internet. The majority are predators, looking to manipulate, sexually abuse vulnerable women like yourself. Here's a tip....PEOPLE LIE. most of the time they are not who they say they are, and if you opened their own closets, skeletons would be falling out everywhere. Never ever reveal personal details about yourself or your past. That gives them the info to use against you.

You need to cut yourself off, to get your self worth back and your head on straight, because you are losing it. when you lose it, you lose control, make mistakes and poor choices.

[LaHermes]

5 hours ago, smackie9 said:

when dealing with guys on the internet. The majority are predators, looking to manipulate, sexually abuse vulnerable women like yourself.

Glad YOU said that Smackie. I get stick because of my views on OLD.