please, i really need help. i love my ex more than anything

[annie24]

i know what you guys are telling me, and i'm sorry...but it's hard because when i talk to my friends and a lot of them are friends with him more so, they tell me doing small things like that is fine, in fact they think stopping by to give him the card is a good idea....it's just hard because i want him to remember me in a good way, and now i'm certain that he just thinks of me as this girl who so desperately tried to keep him in my apt...and i really don't want that...and i don't want him to go to cali and not see me right now. i realize it is his choice, but i think i have been pretty good, no kudos on that?

 

Well, the friends are right - the card is a very sweet gesture, but I don't believe it will lead to the desired effect. Do the friends know you want him back? (Oh yes, and the card you send... cannot be long or emotional - or signed with love, Gradle! The card should be short and to the point like: Dear J - Happy Birthday! Best wishes - I hope your 25th year is the best one yet! -Gradle)

 

You said that he is moving soon, accross the country. So, hypothetically, if you guys got "back together," wouldn't it be odd? I mean, being on other sides of the country. Do you think that part of the reason he broke up with you was because of the impending distance? If so, I see it as highly unlikely he would want to get back with you unless you two were living in the same area again.

 

My ex broke up with me also when I moved away, because of distance. He said when we started dating that he didn't believe that long-distance could ever possibly work (for him.) Has J said something similar ever?

 

Well - good - taking a break to clear your head sounds like a good idea. I think it's great that you're making yourself scarce on IM. That's a step in the right direction.

 

Take care

[Hope75]

Hi Gradle,

 

Despite my own frustration with you I understand that you have to do what you have to do, maybe you just need to see for yourself what will happen, and learn from it.

 

Annie brings up a good point that I had thought of before myself. After everything you have gone through, if J did take you back, then moved accross the country for a year, how do you think the relationship would survive? It would be tenuous at best, since if you guys did reunite it would be very fragile for awhile until you learn to trust in him again, and work through the issues that made him leave. Trust me, this is something I know alot about. It isn't like "boom, click, we are back together and everything is the same as it was".

 

There is alot of work to be done and you need time for that. He's leaving in 2 months, no? And you as well, I do wonder if that was part of his reasons for the breakup. Plus, with him moving to Cali, there are alot of opportunities for him there, maybe he wanted to experience that unattached.

 

Personally my bf and I have spent the better part of 7 months working at our relationship to finally get to where we are, which is happy and communicative, trusting and almost where we'd like to be. That's right, after 7 months there is still more work to do. It takes time, and dedication, perserverance, and I don't see how you can do it hundreds of miles apart.

 

Just some food for thought.

[gradle]

So today is the one month anniversary of j and I being broken up….how do I feel about that? Well, obviously still really hurt, and hoping that we can work things out…but I've been better at limiting my contact and keeping my emotions in tact…but there's a small part of me that's excited too, about going to dc, about being with my friends, and meeting new people, and even being single, of course I'd rather have j in my life when I do all of these things, but if he needs this space, I'm glad he's taking it…

I'm getting to the point where I'm more often ok than not ok…which is good, I don't cry everyday anymore…which is good, I have setbacks, like yesterday, but I'm handling them better, I'm contacting j less, which is good….i'm out having fun, which is definitely good…

I guess what I still need, that I know that most of you disagree with right now, is hope that in a year, when j comes back from cali, that he will want to work on us….right now he is saying it's a possibility…I guess I can't ask for much more than that… and I know I can't just wait around, I know when I'm there I have to put myself out there, and see if there is anyone else…

I also want to keep in touch with him… this is a man that I care about deeply, one who has his own problems, one who has problems facing his own emotions…and I want to know what is going on in his life. He's going to be a million miles away in cali, with no one that he knows, at least not yet. I guess the way I see it, is that now is the best time to try and convince him that he can still talk to me….i realize that I may never be able to accept him replacing me, but I desperately want to know what's going on with him and how everything is… I actually saw him yesterday briefly when I was out returning some clothes and he was headed home from what looked like an IM baseball game…I stayed away and left quickly, but I saw him with his head down and his shoulders crouched… I don't know, maybe he didn't do well in the game, but I know there are other things in his life that are not going well…he's not that happy, and one of his friends has always told me that j will never be truly happy. J has even told me that he doesn't know if he could ever be truly happy…but I still love this man so dearly…

I realize that most of you want me to just let this man go, and to live my own life, but I think I am, and he is part of it, whether or not he or I or you like it…and when I love someone this much, I can't stand the thought of not knowing if they are okay, and what is going on in their lives…I realize this way of thinking might set me back, but I can't help it, it's just the way I am…. its' why I've stayed best friends with the same girl for almost 20 years, and all of my other best friends have been there almost as long…because when I truly care about someone, I have to forgive their faults, even if it is treating me poorly sometimes….now if I don't care about someone that much, I'm pretty good at cutting them off J trust me …I hope you guys can forgive me for being as stubborn as I have been….

[DN]

gradle, you really are a great girl and you deserve all the happiness you can get - I truly hope you will find it. I think you will eventually, but you may be surprised at how that happiness comes to you. Don't pin all your aspirations and dreams on this one situation - at least leave yourself open to other possibilities. There are times in our lives that we miss opportunities in front of us because we are looking backwards and not forwards. Makes sure that doesn't happen to you.

[Hope75]

Hey Gradle,

 

I think that this attitude you have is healthier than I have heard you sound in quite awhile.

 

I think it's a good attitude to take that you are both going to be open to new possibilities while you are in DC and he in Cali, and if you allow yourself to be open to it, you may find that when the year has passed, you don't want J back anymore. Who knows? Maybe you will have met someone fabulous and be completely in love. Life's funny sometimes.

 

I think if you had yourself more under control it would be fine to contact J from time to time and see how he's doing. It just seems that lately you motives have been all about getting him to come back to you. I wonder if after a month you are starting to realize that life is whizzing by and he is not coming back, at least not for now.

 

Of course we forgive you for being stubborn, we have all been depressed over a breakup at one point of another, and some of us have done the crazy stalkerish things that you've done, which is why we are trying to help you not make the same mistakes we did. We still want to help you though, gradle, even if you don't always take our advice.

 

In my class tonight my instructor was talking about how there is always the possibility for change and that we should always be open to it, and that's what's happening in your life right now, alot of changes, some of them good, like your new upcoming job, some not so good, like the breakup, but still, these things all happen for a reason, and maybe you needed to be forced to learn to be independent, and you will take what you've learned with you, and be a better person because of it.

 

Hang in there, Gradle, and keep us filled in!!

 

Hope

[PlayBrat]

I have been following this post...and Gradle these people know what they are talking about. If nothing else at least take a little bit of what everyone has said and try to apply it as well as you can.

You will fall now and then. That's ok. No one expects you to get it right

all at once....it takes some falling to get back up again, and you'll realize you're standing longer and longer in between falls. It takes TIME!

Don't beat yourself up if you aren't getting it exactly right...just be nicer to yourself, and treat yourself as if you've been injured...because it FEELS that way. Your heart is a gaping wound right now, you need to HEAL that. Don't try denying the hurt, the longer you try to cover it up with a "band aid"...the longer you will prolong your recovery. By covering up your pain I mean using temorary pleasure

as a way to deny you are in pain. Going out and partying is GREAT, filling your time is certainly part of healing ..but allow yourself to actually grieve as well. The key is to maintain balance between obsesssion...and TRULY

healing. When going through a break up...I would allow myself ONE day to mope or feel down..after that I would make myself do things for ME even if I wanted to stay in bed all day, or call him, or obsess. After awhile it just becomes automatic.

Hang in there girl!!!

[gradle]

Thanks guys,

I appreciate the input… today is Wednesday, and I'm having a really tough time…he usually calls at least on Wednesdays, but he usually waits until he sees that I'm not idle in AIM, now that I'm not even on AIM, I don't know if he'll call, he's very proud you see…even when we were dating he hated calling me when I was with other people….now he won't know, and if he does call and I'm with other people, I probably won't pick up, I'll call back later…but he probably won't L. My friends tell me his messages have changed since I signed off, that they're quite boring (he usually tried to leave somewhat funny messages, and it seems like he's trying to sign off too—I know I shouldn't care, but it's nice to know that I feel like I have an effect.)

I made a mistake yesterday…I asked one of my friends if she thought j and his ex (one of her really good friends) had hooked up when he went home…I need to stop that, or she'll never want to talk to me again! I guess I'm a little lucky, she's crazier than me sometimes, she used to drive over an hour and surprise her ex…

I'm trying to convince myself not to stop by his place and give him the bday card in person on Sunday if he doesn't call me before then, to just send it…but I don't know if I can hold to that…

i know, you're right, all this partying is just a band aid, a temporary relief... i guess i'm just so scared that if i let myself break down i'll call him...i wish i had a good enough friend here that i could break down in front of, that would take my phone away from me and hug me...

[annie24]

Awww! I would hug you right now and take away your phone if I were there....

[gradle]

hah, thanks annie

[Hope75]

me too gradle!

[Hope75]

Seriously you are trying and you do sound better. You are still going to have bad days. Try to remember that J is grieving too, it was a long relationship for both of you and an adjustment for both of you now that you are on your own. This does not mean he wants to come back though.

 

I think you would be very wise to only send the card in the mail. The intention will be there (to be nice to him) but you won't be forcing him to react by showing up and being in his face, esp. if he does not call you before then.

 

You have to kind of let him take the lead in this, he already knows how you feel, it is incertain at this point how he feels.

 

Does that make some sense?

[gradle]

thanks hope

[gradle]

yeah, its just so difficult to accept... i felt like the last few weeks of our relationship, i was just tiptoeing around him to make sure not to bother him--i thought he was just stressed about school...he had eye surgery too, and i did everything i could to take care of him, i would pick up prescriptions, make him dinners, bring him slurpees, leave town if i knew he had a busy weekend,....it's just so difficult to accept that i have to keep tiptoeing...i promise i'm going to try my best not to see him in person for the bday card if he doesn't call by then... but i know i'm going to be a wreck if he hasn't called...

[Hope75]

Hi gradle,

 

That's what we are here for, post away when you feel weak or sad. It's funny, it's almost like you felt a palpable change in the relationship in the last few weeks of it, I felt the same thing with my guy before he broke up with me. The day he did... I swear I was creeping around all day with the feeling it was coming, when it did was like, "yep, there it is."

 

You know you don't have to tiptoe around him. Anytime it gets too much for you you are free to walk away from him. If you choose to tiptoe, just give him a chance to understand what a breakup means, that you aren't in his life anymore.

 

Part of him learning to understand that you are a nice person and not a *psychogirl* is to give him the breathing room he needs right now. If he has the urge he will give you a call, give him the chance to do that.

 

I know that you are afraid that you will lose him for good if you aren't the one calling and bugging him, but it's risk you need to take right now because a relationship, even a friendship, has to be two people working together, and you need to give him that chance.

 

You are doing great, keep it up!! 8)

[gradle]

i know i've made progress, and i know hwen i talk to him i can sound ok, and i know i can live my life without him...but i so desperately want him back in it...

[Hope75]

gradle,

 

I know that you do...but you know that has to be up to him, you've told him how you feel....

 

You are going to survive whether he comes back or not, and you will learn some valuable lessons on how to really depend on yourself for happiness and fulfillment, and that will, when you learn it, make you a better partner to someone else when you are ready.

[gradle]

hi there...

so...interesting...one of my friends invited me to the bar, for this women's social event, but i knew it was a bar that j frequented, so i had another friend check his message on AIM to see if he'd gone, and she said he hadn't, so i went, thinking he would not be there...

i went and he was there, at first it was really awkward, we were sitting at a big round table and by the time i had gotten there there were no more chairs, one of our friends found me one and sat me right accross from j, i just sat down and said "hi everyone"...but j had tears in his eyes...i didn't know what to do...i knew i probably had them in mine too, i was nervous when i walked in and saw them...

but then i just talked to my friends the rest of the night and our table got so crowded that we moved to another table (away from j's table), but i knew j was stealing glances at me...that felt kind of nice, (means he at least misses/is curious about me?) an the rest of the night went fine...

most of his friends left, but he stuck around...and then i got up to leave and the whole table i was out got up to leave, and as i was leaving i tried to get a goodbye wave, but he averted his eyes, so i just kept walking...

that was the first time i'd seen him in a few weeks, we hardly said a word to each other though...and i guess i could not have gone just in case he'd been there, but why should i sacrifice all of these mutual friends?

i'm worried this ruined the chances of him calling me though...

at least i looked good

[Hope75]

Hi gradle,

 

It sounds like you handled yourself very well. J was sad to see you I am sure, remember he is grieving too, but not necessarily wanting you back.

 

I'm glad you looked good, and you didn't get all mopey around him, and you even moved to another table later on in the night, well done!

 

Given his reaction, I'm thinking you might want to hold off on even mailing the birthday card.

 

What do you think?

[gradle]

i don't know

i'm a little stressed about it now....

i think i'm definitely going to mail it at least

i'll see if he calls at all in the next few days and if so how it goes....

part of me is wishing he saw me and would just want ot chat, but i know how it is....

i really had no clue that he was there...

i am proud that i held up okay though, i think i've been growing in the past few weeks, thanks to you guys and my friends....

[Hope75]

I've been noticing a bit of a shift in you too, just these past few days really. I think it's great.

 

i'll see if he calls at all in the next few days and if so how it goes....

 

Maybe it's best to just play it like that and wait and see. I wouldn't plan anything drastic just yet, since he didn't seem ready to see you or talk to you tonight. I don't think he'd appreciate you showing up at his place.

 

I can understand why you are stressed, seeing them is hard and forces us a step back sometimes. Just keep up the good work and keep yourself busy.

 

When is his actual birthday?

[gradle]

it's next thursday, the 23rd, so i was thinking sun or mon, in case he had bday plans if i am going to stop by, that is...

[Hope75]

Haha! I knew you would say that!

 

My bf's birthday is the 23rd as well!

 

It's a small world!

 

I would def not consider stopping by. At the very most, mail the card on Mon. if you still feel comfortable doing so.

 

What does the card say? Have you got it yet?

[gradle]

HAH, they 'd BETTER not be the same boy though!

i was just gonna write

j, i hope you have a fabulous 24th birthday! have fun

love

(me)

[brando]

im with Hope

 

definitely mail it, and have no expectations along with the card. I hope you are doing this because you want to, and not because you think it will win him back or something along that line. Not trying to sound mean, but to send a card to an ex is not a common thing to do...

 

sounds like you two have some healing to do. If you do send it, dont write the word love in it... short and sweet... and again get it clear in your mind DO NOT ATTACH ANY EXPECTATIONS TO THE CARD...

 

it will only hurt you more if you expect a reply, a thank you or whatever.

Common courtesy and etiquette are not recognized always with ex's...

 

 

be well,

 

Brando

[Hope75]

Well, they sure aren't the same boy, since my guy will be 30....

 

I agree with Brando that you should not write "love" in the card. It just places too much expectation in it, and as Brando said, if you send it you should have no more expectation than it is a nice gesture you are doing and that you are expecting nothing in return.

 

It's tough, but it's a delicate process, and if you choose to stay in touch with him , you are kind of tip toeing around him right now.