confusion Can a lesbian have feelings for a guy?

[ModestHouse]

I've just found this forum and as I'm up late at night pondering I thought maybe the internet could land a hand in my dilemma.

So a couple of months back I became good friends with a lesbian. She told me after a few weeks that she was actually really attracted to me. We'd hang out, get drunk and eventually this lead to us sleeping together. Not having sex, just sleeping when she'd come over. This has lead to some cuddling but not much else, I really like her but I don't want to impose myself because we're good friends and she has a long term girlfriend. I considered this to be her just having a meaningless crush and that it would be a phase she'd get over soon. She's really clumsy with her words and a lot of time will make some Freudian slips, although the validity of that is your opinion. She constantly makes jokes about me kissing her or having sex with her, quite awkwardly. As of recent, she has become very defensive around me. Almost guilty to be around me. She doesn't sleep in my bed anymore because she says she doesn't trust herself with me. If we're sitting close to each other she'll try to move away, usually after she's caught herself slipping up and making one of these clumsy jokes. When we talk she maintains total eye contact and there is electric, much longer than the 4 second rule. She makes excuses to touch me, usually when she's drunk, and will get defensive immediately after, again as if she's caught herself. Sometimes when we're talking she will just awkwardly bring up her girlfriend defensively for no apparent reason.

This has been going on for months now. I thought this was a little phase but I'm starting to think differently. I'm confused because I've not once imposed myself on her, anything that has happened between us like hugs or pecks on the cheek etc have been natural. 

I think we're both confused now.

[Jibralta]

It's definitely possible. One of my male friends is gay, but he has found himself attracted to women occasionally.

Is there something that you want to happen?

[ModestHouse]

I would definitely be open to it, I am attracted to her and care about her but she's younger than me and obviously doesn't know who she is as a person yet. If anything were to happen with her I'd want her to know how she feels and not be left with residual feelings of confusion. 

[Jibralta]

She has a girlfriend. That's something to take into consideration. Seems a messy situation.

Also, if she's so young that she doesn't know herself as a person, you should take a big step back.

[ModestHouse]

3 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

She has a girlfriend. That's something to take into consideration. Seems a messy situation.

Also, if she's so young that she doesn't know herself as a person, you should take a big step back.

Yeah I'm not considering anything until she's single. She's five years younger than me, she is mature for her age but has had a troubled past which is what I think is contributing to her confusion about herself. 

[Cheetarah]

Sexuality can be fluid...but there’s also what my fiancée and I call “gay for play”.  We’re a same sex couple.  She has gotten hit on often by self proclaimed straight or bicurious women.  If she would be like, come on, let’s go then they back the hell off.  For them it’s fun.  They may like the idea of a same sex escapade and think it’s fun or cute to hit on a lesbian and see them as some sort of novelty.  Its safe flirting for them because they don’t really want it to go anywhere.  It’s pretty gross, really.  
 

Maybe she’s confused, yes.  Or maybe she is “straight for play” in this case.  Either way, she has a girlfriend and it’s just not a headache you need.  

[ModestHouse]

4 minutes ago, Cheetarah said:

Sexuality can be fluid...but there’s also what my fiancée and I call “gay for play”.  We’re a same sex couple.  She has gotten hit on often by self proclaimed straight or bicurious women.  If she would be like, come on, let’s go then they back the hell off.  For them it’s fun.  They may like the idea of a same sex escapade and think it’s fun or cute to hit on a lesbian and see them as some sort of novelty.  Its safe flirting for them because they don’t really want it to go anywhere.  It’s pretty gross, really.  
 

Maybe she’s confused, yes.  Or maybe she is “straight for play” in this case.  Either way, she has a girlfriend and it’s just not a headache you need.  

I understand and have met people that do this. However, she'd had experience with men before, even quite recently, a few weeks before she got with her girlfriend. I agree however that this is a headache.

[Cheetarah]

1 minute ago, ModestHouse said:

I understand and have met people that do this. However, she'd had experience with men before, even quite recently, a few weeks before she got with her girlfriend. I agree however that this is a headache.

Yeah, it is bottom line.  Might want to put a little space there between you two and draw some lines in the sand.  It’s good she’s not sleeping in your bed and that really should not resume. 

[Capricorn3]

5 hours ago, ModestHouse said:

 However, she'd had experience with men before, even quite recently, a few weeks before she got with her girlfriend.

Sounds Bi to me.

That said, if she's in a relationship currently, that's your cue to back off.  In fact SHE should back off from you.  She's totally disrespecting her partner and relationship.

[ModestHouse]

23 minutes ago, Capricorn3 said:

Sounds Bi to me.

That said, if she's in a relationship currently, that's your cue to back off.  In fact SHE should back off from you.  She's totally disrespecting her partner and relationship.

That's the issue with being in the same friend group really, we see each other very often and two people attracted to each other who spend that much time together - well feelings are bound to happen. I'm definitely going to talk to her about it though and at least acknowledge the elephant in the room, for the sake of the group if nothing else.

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, ModestHouse said:

 she has a long term girlfriend. 

She doesn't have much integrity does she?

Stop the sleepovers. Stop getting drunk together. Stop the cuddling. It's all sort of creepy, isn't it?

Find single straight available women to date.

[ModestHouse]

31 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

She doesn't have much integrity does she?

Stop the sleepovers. Stop getting drunk together. Stop the cuddling. It's all sort of creepy, isn't it?

Find single straight available women to date.

Most definitely a harsh interpretation of my post but I agree with the sentiment.

[SooSad33]

12 hours ago, ModestHouse said:

We'd hang out, get drunk and eventually this lead to us sleeping together. Not having sex, just sleeping when she'd come over. This has lead to some cuddling but not much else, I really like her but I don't want to impose myself because we're good friends and she has a long term girlfriend.

Whoaaa... you slept with a 'good friend', who's in a long term relationship?  Not good! - and why?

 

12 hours ago, ModestHouse said:

She constantly makes jokes about me kissing her or having sex with her, quite awkwardly. As of recent, she has become very defensive around me. Almost guilty to be around me.

Yeah, probably because she is involved already!

12 hours ago, ModestHouse said:

She makes excuses to touch me, usually when she's drunk, and will get defensive immediately after, again as if she's caught herself. Sometimes when we're talking she will just awkwardly bring up her girlfriend defensively for no apparent reason.

- Do you realize she is 'drunk' a lot?  Never good with this fact...

12 hours ago, ModestHouse said:

I've not once imposed myself on her, anything that has happened between us like hugs or pecks on the cheek etc have been natural. 

If she can't keep herself together, maybe YOU should!  None of this should be going on, as she is involved. (sad, no respect) 😕 

as mentioned- back away, totally and be an actual friend.. That;s it!

Find yourself an actual, normal woman who is actually available and don't get yourself into such a ridiculous mess- because either of you can act accordingly & respect what is...

* your question - can she have feelings for 'men'?  Sure, I think they call that bi-sexual.* 

[ModestHouse]

12 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

Whoaaa... you slept with a 'good friend', who's in a long term relationship?  Not good! - and why?

I don't know, it started happening just as they were starting to get serious. She'd pass out on the bed and I was too tired to move her so I just slept next to her, from there it just become a tradition I guess?

15 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

- Do you realize she is 'drunk' a lot?  Never good with this fact...

Yes we both are, I'd hate to say it's the norm but we're both British students so this really is the norm.

16 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

If she can't keep herself together, maybe YOU should!  None of this should be going on, as she is involved. (sad, no respect) 😕 

as mentioned- back away, totally and be an actual friend.. That's it!

Find yourself an actual, normal woman who is actually available and don't get yourself into such a ridiculous mess- because either of you can act accordingly & respect what is...

* your question - can she have feelings for 'men'?  Sure, I think they call that bi-sexual.* 

I understand that everything you are saying is correct, but feelings are feelings at the end of the day.

I'm sure she is bisexual, but she is 100% dedicated to the lesbian "identity." I just wanted people's opinions on whether I was wrong for developing feelings and that this was all nothing to fuss over, evidently not.

[SooSad33]

3 minutes ago, ModestHouse said:

I understand that everything you are saying is correct, but feelings are feelings at the end of the day.

Okay, but if you sit back & look at all of this...

1) She is involved.

2) She gets flirty with YOU- which is not her partner- often when drunk? - How respectful is that?

3) She may have some  real issue's going on- as this is not normal behaviour.

4) Her having feelings?  I think she's just using you as a vent.. another way to 'release', because she's got some issue's going on.

If someone is truly happy, the would not be hitting on someone else like this.  Would you be happy, hearing that your partner is all over someone else?

I suggest you keep some distance and STOP interacting with her this way... and maybe, when she's 'sober', let her know you cannot accept all of that behaviour anymore.  ( You're just not into that).. Especially out of respect for her partner.

 

[ModestHouse]

7 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

Okay, but if you sit back & look at all of this...

1) She is involved.

2) She gets flirty with YOU- which is not her partner- often when drunk? - How respectful is that?

3) She may have some  real issue's going on- as this is not normal behaviour.

4) Her having feelings?  I think she's just using you as a vent.. another way to 'release', because she's got some issue's going on.

If someone is truly happy, the would not be hitting on someone else like this.  Would you be happy, hearing that your partner is all over someone else?

I suggest you keep some distance and STOP interacting with her this way... and maybe, when she's 'sober', let her know you cannot accept all of that behaviour anymore.  ( You're just not into that).. Especially out of respect for her partner.

 

She most definitely has issues. She's had a very troubled past which involves some troubles with father figures, which is why I think she has a thing for me because I take care of her.

I agree I need to take a step back, for sure.

[SooSad33]

14 minutes ago, ModestHouse said:

She most definitely has issues. She's had a very troubled past which involves some troubles with father figures, which is why I think she has a thing for me because I take care of her.

Yeah, okay, so red flags and you are aware.

Why are you 'taking care of her'?

Tread carefully, before she acts out in worse ways or causes havoc.

 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, ModestHouse said:

I'm sure she is bisexual, but she is 100% dedicated to the lesbian "identity." 

So you are hoping she gets drunk enough to sleep with a guy(you)?

[catfeeder]

Anybody can be attracted to anybody, but the key thing for me would be a person's capacity for integrity or disloyalty.

Whether male or female, there's no way I'd have them in my bed if they had a relationship.

Or cuddling, or kissing, or physical contact. Not because I'm a prude, but because if I'm attracted to someone, the last thing I'd want to do is poison anything we might have pursued in the future while I still think highly of that person.

As this stands, even if I'd 'win,' I'd lose, because I'd enjoy my victory for about 5 minutes before it occurs to me that I've promoted myself from someone she's disloyal WITH to the person she'll be disloyal TO as soon as it suits her.

Yuck. Skip that. Find someone you can trust.