All of the reasons to go NC

[WMTH1234]

Hi everyone,

Even six months in, I sometimes have moments where I need reminders about all the reasons I should stay NIC (my ex-BF left me in October). We had an amicable break-up, though I still miss him terribly and truly want reconciliation (however, I also understand the break-up - it needed to happen and he needs to figure himself out and what he wants).

Please feel free to add your own reasons! I have found, to resist the urge to reach out, that it's helpful to just review all the rational reasons for the decision I have made.

Also, please don't tell me to drop my hopes for reconciliation - you don't know my life or relationship. I already understand that it may not happen. However, I am open to it and there is no certainty (in all areas of life) about what will happen in the future.

And, while the primary reasons for no-contact should be to help yourself heal, I always find that more reasons are better than fewer. Regardless, what these lists makes clear is that - whatever your goal - no contact (or at least NIC) is the best way to go!

Compassionate reasons:

• I need to respect his wishes to not have me in his life
• Every person has the right to decide who they want to talk to or not - it's selfish to try to get attention from someone who doesn't want to give it to you
• My reasons for wanting to contact him are selfish and self-serving (i.e. reconciliation), and I care about him so I should understand that what he wants at the moment is for me to leave him alone
• He needs this space and time to figure himself out

Self-healing reasons:

• I respect myself enough to not try to seek attention from someone who doesn't appreciate it/reciprocate
• If I stay in contact with him, it will make it harder for me to heal and emotionally detach
• I will cause myself emotional pain by interacting with him when he clearly doesn't have feelings for me
• I don't want to be in his life as a second choice or option; I will only interact with him if he chooses me and recognize the value I add to his life
• I am also not ready to be in a relationship (with him or anybody) until I have healed and am happy with my life as it currently is; there is no reason to try to reach out until I am healed and at the point where I don't need him 

Reconciliation reasons:

• Contacting him when he doesn't want to be with him will just push him further away
• I need to leave him alone in order for him to miss me
• I want him to have the realization that he want to be with me on his own; I don't want someone to be with me because they feel pressured or guilted into doing so
• He is going through his own issues; until he resolves those issues, there's no point in trying to talk to him. Only he can tell me when he has resolved his issues
• I don't want him to just use me for emotional support during this period and then move on to someone else when he's resolved his issues
• In order to respect me and be attracted to me, he needs to recognize that I'm strong and independent and don't need him for my happiness; by staying in NIC, I am able to show him my strength of character

 

[boltnrun]

Side bonus? Frequently  (in fact, I'd put it at a very high percentage) when you choose to not stay in contact and eventually that person contacts you, you won't even be interested anymore. Whether it's because you have had time to think more clearly or because you've met someone who demonstrates that your ex is not right for you after all.

I've had exes contact me months or years down the road and I haven't wanted any of them. Even the one who I swore was "the love of my life who I'll love FOREVER!!!!"

[WMTH1234]

Yeah - I mean, people do reconcile, but it's all a matter of timing...and that's the annoying thing with the future, it is literally impossible to know what is going to happen when or who you're going to meet. The only (rational) option is just to be happy with your life as it is, live each moment when it happens, and then follow your brain/heart when something actually happens that gives you an opportunity to make a decision.

Other than choosing not to actively contact someone, there's really nothing to worry about. The status quo is already that the person is gone and you're not talking to them. 

And I guess we'll just have to see how I feel if there arises an opportunity where I get to make a decision (though, as someone in their 30s who has already been previously married and been in an 10+ year relationship in the past, I'm pretty confident about what I want - and I know I will only accept as good or better than I had. And I had it unimaginably good with my ex.)

[artsygirl]

50 minutes ago, WMTH1234 said:

• If I stay in contact with him, it will make it harder for me to heal and emotionally detach
• I will cause myself emotional pain by interacting with him when he clearly doesn't have feelings for me

Firstly, well done for staying strong in the 6 months NC! It's difficult, I hope you are moving forward and healing 🙂 

I would add onto this that it's also incredibly upsetting, demoralising/demotivating to reach out and them not respond to you! I reached out to my ex wanting to just have a bit more of a conversation about the end of the relationship (I kind of had the rug pulled out from under me with my breakup, was quite sudden, and I wanted to talk about things from my side as I hadn't really gotten to voice it coherently). He ignored my first attempt, but responded to my second, which was now nearly a month ago.

Something that keeps me from not contacting him up to this point is not wanting to experience the psychological upset you go through if you reach out to them and they don't respond (like with my first attempt). You get so nervous just waiting for that reply, and if it doesn't come, it can be really upsetting. I also completely agree that they should come to you too. I know now that I have done all that I can to provide my ex with a talking space, but if he chooses not to take this, then I accept that and move forward. Acknowledging that you have done what you can is helpful for your healing- knowing you at least gave it a shot or gave them the space, if they choose to still not come forward, then that is helpful for your healing.

I wish you the best 🙂 

[Jambalaya421]

you are still emotionally attached after 6 months no contact and are holding out hopes for reconsiliation?

 

as long as you hope, there is no healing or getting to the point of being ready for any relationship. most of your reasons are based out of what he might think, or want, and yes you are trying to demonstrate your strength, your motivation to show this strength is to impress him. and perhaps not to be strong just because.

 

I am 1.5 years into a nasty breakup. timing was off for our reconciliation. she came back and hinted, but I was with a new LOVE. she was jealous as hell. when thet love fell apart she was with her new LOVE!!!

 

if i wasnt with my nbew gf, I would have been back together. if she wasnt with her new guy, we would have been back together. I hoped and dreamed of this moment and did all the hard work. attachment theory, relationship courses, reading all the books....

 

in the end.... If she didnt value me at my worst, she doesnt deserve me at my best. I am now glad timing was wrong.... Incompatibility and immaturity would rear its ugly head whetever  months from now or 6 years...

 

Im a hopeless romatic and cringed when peoplesay exes are exes for a reason. couples that are meant to go the distance do not break up ever. They grow through the issues together.

 

Yes Reconciliation does happen, and happy life can be attained, but in most of those stories that end up long term happily ever after, people go their separate ways for long time and other lovers in between. and immense growth

 

99.99999% never reconcile

stop hoping and your healing odds increase dramatically

 

 

[WMTH1234]

Hi Jambalaya,

I respect your opinion, but I know my reasoning and my life and have decided upon my own rationality. I also know my prior relationship and my former partner.

I also know I was my best self in the relationship and gave 100%. I have also been my best self in how I handled the break-up. He is at fault - but only in the sense that there are times in life when we realize we need to be alone and make decisions. I do not fault him for that. He is not responsible for my emotions or to make me happy. Each person needs to make their own decisions and decided on what is needed for them to be happy with themselves.

Regardless, I hate that phrase "letting go of hope." What is "letting go of hope"? The universe and future are unknowable and I have no control over another person. Maybe I will find someone else I love, maybe I won't. Maybe we will reconcile, maybe we won't. It's a probability out of many and to deny its possibility is to deny one of the many paths my future may take, just as if I denied that I may find someone else I love in the meantime. 

Everyone chooses to approach life differently and do what is necessary to heal from a break-up. I have realized I need to stop trying to control things around me and accept what is my current reality. But one can always hope, as long as one's life choices are dependent on a particular outcome. Additionally, healing takes different people different amounts of time. I don't believe I will ever be opposed to reconciliation (unless I am in a much happier relationship with someone else), so - to me - healing means moving to a place where I am happy regardless of whether that outcome happens.

[Jambalaya421]

not sure what yiu are looking for on a forum sounds like you have all the answers already and should be giving the advice.

[Batya33]

So my main reasons for no and limited contact were moving on and not wanting to know if he was dating someone.  I wasn’t on social media till after I was engaged or right around then.  And by the time I could do Google searches etc I was in my 30s (I married at 42 - married my ex fiancé ). So it was easier to be in NC.
 

 My husband and I had limited contact the almost 8 years we were apart.  One or two emails a year the first 5-6 years. One quick dinner after 5 years.  We each had a significant death in the family - his about two years after we broke up and mine 7 years.  He told me about his. I knew her very well and loved her.  I sent a card and made a donation. He knew my relative too and we had some more emails because of that.

 

 But I know for sure - we wouldn’t be married if we’d stayed in close touch or in personal contact.  We needed to live separate lives.  Grow on our own.  Not complicate things by knowing about each other’s romantic relationships.  We both had serious relationships during the time apart. We had a hard breakup and a cancelled wedding but we didn’t have real drama. Or tons of recent baggage.  It let us start fresh.  Fall in love cleanly. If that makes sense.

 

 Our reconciliation was about luck and timing and personal growth and personal success that helped so much with self confidence and perspective. And just that incredible and surprising spark that could not have happened with negative baggage. 

[WMTH1234]

@Jambalaya421

Hi, truly sorry if it was unclear - I actually wasn't looking for advice and didn't need realize that was a requirement of the forum (not being snarky, I really don't typically use internet forums and don't know the etiquette).

I have mostly being reading archived threads and many times people seem to use the forum as a journal/place to put thoughts and information they've found useful in their own healing/thought process (as well as a place to ask for advice).

I very much appreciate and hope others can point out flaws in my logic or alternative ways of thinking about things. But, honestly, this was not really a post in which I was asking for advice. I just find it helpful, after spending a long time trying to sort through my thoughts and figure out what viewpoint and rational resonates with my personal value system and outlook, to write it down for future reference. I also have a personal journal but, as other things people have posted here have been useful for me as I sort things out in my own mind, I also thought it made sense to put some of thoughts in this forum for posterity.

@Batya33 

That does make so much sense - I'm so happy it worked out for you!

A requirement for a strong relationship seems to be that both people in the relationship need to be happy with themselves as individuals and happy with their own individual lives. Without that, you have the sort of insecurities, dependencies, and  that will eventually cause a relationship to fail.

[Travel Away]

On 4/8/2021 at 7:35 PM, boltnrun said:

I've had exes contact me months or years down the road and I haven't wanted any of them. Even the one who I swore was "the love of my life who I'll love FOREVER!!!!"

Very true I've had those experiences too, which makes me doubt what it is the point of NC at all, from the point of view of the reconciliation.
Healing wise is the only way but If you really love that person shouldn't you shower him/her with love? 

[Batya33]

7 minutes ago, Travel Away said:

Very true I've had those experiences too, which makes me doubt what it is the point of NC at all, from the point of view of the reconciliation.
Healing wise is the only way but If you really love that person shouldn't you shower him/her with love? 

Not necessarily.  Sometimes love requires giving space.

[boltnrun]

35 minutes ago, Travel Away said:

Very true I've had those experiences too, which makes me doubt what it is the point of NC at all, from the point of view of the reconciliation.
Healing wise is the only way but If you really love that person shouldn't you shower him/her with love? 

Not if they don't want you to "shower them with love".

That's being disrespectful of their wishes. When someone breaks up with you they are saying "no, thank you" to your love.  

[Travel Away]

30 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Not necessarily.  Sometimes love requires giving space.

 

1 minute ago, boltnrun said:

Not if they don't want you to "shower them with love".

That's being disrespectful of their wishes. When someone breaks up with you they are saying "no, thank you" to your love.  

Agreed I'm talking long term, if the other part didn't open his/her eyes or is willing to talk it up and collaborate after few months, NC makes no sense from a reconciliation perspective.

[Batya33]

12 minutes ago, Travel Away said:

 

Agreed I'm talking long term, if the other part didn't open his/her eyes or is willing to talk it up and collaborate after few months, NC makes no sense from a reconciliation perspective.

To me it’s not for reconciliation but to move on in a healthful way.  Thank goodness my husband said no to reconciling a few months after I ended our engagement.  He knew it would be same old same old after a romantic back together thing.  And I know for sure that had we had more than limited contact for the almost 8 years we were apart we wouldn’t have gotten back together because we’d likely have had more baggage to overcome.  Too much baggage.  We got back together with genuine and serious intentions.  Married over ten years now. 

[Tonight.majestic]

I think NC can mean two things at the same time -  to heal from a breakup and to view your past relationship more objectively. 

Distance can help us see things more clearly. 

 

And then you can decide whether you really want to reconcile.