Am I Overthinking?

[taromilktea]

I honestly don't know how to feel right now and I am quite stuck. 

This guy initiated a conversation at the end of last year and we've been talking for months now. We've been saying good morning and good night everyday and the conversations everyday has been casual. He asked to meet up for lunch at the beginning of last month and I had a nice time. But the thing is from the way we are texting, I can't quite tell if he is interested or not. After that lunch hangout, we have just been texting and neither of us mentioned another possible hangout. Is like asking to hang out sort of like you take turns to do? I am pretty shy to initiate a hangout and I wasn't going to do anything, but it was going to be like two months since the last time we hung out. I think he is pretty shy as well and i think i'm being impatient with this, am i? I asked a couple of days ago and we hung out again, but idk, don't people usually plan another hangout right after?

His way of texting right now also differs alot from the way when we first started talking. I'm not sure if this is because when we first started talking, it was winter break and right now is the middle of the semester, which makes him busier? it still seems pretty off to me and I feel like he's pulling back. I'm not sure if I did something wrong or if his interest is going down. I confronted him about this situation and it sorta revolved around how neither of us don't know what to text about but we still text each other everyday and the replies take a lot longer than it used to. I'm getting a lot of mixed signals....HELP ☹️

[Wiseman2]

22 minutes ago, taromilktea said:

. I asked a couple of days ago and we hung out again, but idk, don't people usually plan another hangout right after?

 right now is the middle of the semester, which makes him busier?  ☹️

Ok, you're both talking to and meeting others because after 2 dates you are not exclusive.

The problem is texting way too much. Pull back from this. 

If someone is interested in you, it's not confusing.

They want to see you in person, they don't treat you like they're bored and just want a text buddy.

How old is he? Do you go to the same school?

When you stop texting all the time he'll have to set up dates to see you.

Texting is cheap, lazy and people do it on the toilet, while watching tv, or instead of video games.

Texting is not dating. So. In summary, if someone is texting all the time, but not seeing you in person, it's a red flag 🚩.

[Rose Mosse]

Slow down with the texting and responses and let him know you're interested in seeing him again. If he doesn't initiate any conversation with you after that or text you or call you to ask you out, you have your answer. He's not interested in seeing you or spending more time with you. 

Let us know how it goes. 

[taromilktea]

4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

How old is he? Do you go to the same school?

I think we're both 18 lmao and yeah we go to the same school 😕 and i don't think those hangouts are considered dates? 

[taromilktea]

6 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

Slow down with the texting and responses and let him know you're interested in seeing him again.

Is it bad that I don't want to be the one putting in all the effort in seeing him?

[Rose Mosse]

7 minutes ago, taromilktea said:

Is it bad that I don't want to be the one putting in all the effort in seeing him?

No, it's not bad and it's good that you're paying attention to this. You shouldn't be putting in all the effort and at the very least, it should feel more equal and flow a little better. When you sense that the other person's lost heart or isn't as much into it as you are, dial it back a little. Give yourself room to think and process what's going on. 

It's also a good idea to keep in mind people have other obligations also so leave room for response times. Don't make yourself overly available by text. There are no substitutes for getting to know someone in person.

[Wiseman2]

11 minutes ago, taromilktea said:

I think we're both 18 lmao and yeah we go to the same school 😕 and i don't think those hangouts are considered dates? 

Have you read the book 📚

"He's Just Not That Into You".

It may help you sort out who's wasting your time and who's interested in you.

[taromilktea]

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

Have you read the book 📚

 

No I have not, I'll consider it tho. Thank you for the suggestion

[taromilktea]

3 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

No, it's not bad and it's good that you're paying attention to this. You shouldn't be putting in all the effort and at the very least, it should feel more equal and flow a little better. When you sense that the other person's lost heart or isn't as much into it as you are, dial it back a little. Give yourself room to think and process what's going on. 

It's also a good idea to keep in mind people have other obligations also so leave room for response times. Don't make yourself overly available by text. There are no substitutes for getting to know someone in person.

Yeah 😞 I feel like I respond to people a bit too quick. I'm still not sure if i should initiate again or wait for him, so I can get a sense of where he is at. Thank you for these pieces of advice tho 🙂 

[Rose Mosse]

36 minutes ago, taromilktea said:

Yeah 😞 I feel like I respond to people a bit too quick. I'm still not sure if i should initiate again or wait for him, so I can get a sense of where he is at. Thank you for these pieces of advice tho 🙂 

Did you already let him know you're interested in seeing him again?

 

[taromilktea]

1 minute ago, Rose Mosse said:

Did you already let him know you're interested in seeing him again?

 

no... :((

[Rose Mosse]

Let him know if you both happen to say hi or catch up this week. If he seems unsure or hesitates or doesn't get back to you it means he's not interested. It is okay and there are other guys to date. Don't feel too down. Think of it as an opportunity to meet someone else who is much more on your page and more your cup of tea.

 

[smackie9]

if you don't throw him a bone once in awhile, he's gonna think he's friend zoned. Start flirting, facetime but dress prettier, etc.

[taromilktea]

3 hours ago, smackie9 said:

if you don't throw him a bone once in awhile, he's gonna think he's friend zoned. Start flirting, facetime but dress prettier, etc.

oop i think i might be too shy to flirt in like a bold way, any subtle ways that can still make it obvious that i'm interested? 

[Andrina]

He wasn't too shy to ask you to lunch the first time. Yeah, I think if he were into you, he would've asked you out within a week or two after that first meeting. You asked him out last, so the ball's in his court. 

In my experience, if a guy's into me, he makes that crystal clear. And the relationship progresses. It doesn't regress. Only put in as much effort as he gives, and make a personal deadline, unknown to him, on a date he has to ask you out by. If he fails to, I'd let him know you're looking to date and not be a pen pal or buddy and wish him well.

As far as flirting goes, some safe ways are to touch his arm while chatting for emphasis. You can also compliment him on his shirt or how his hair looks, etc. I'm a shy person and have always gotten along better with extroverts. The problem sometimes with 2 shy people is that neither are brave enough to break through those shyness walls, whereas an extrovert will often pull you out of your shell. 

Take care.

[smackie9]

I think he's been friend zoned so many times, if he ain't getting any real kind of reaction he's gonna be weary.

[reinventmyself]

On 3/28/2021 at 9:53 PM, taromilktea said:

I honestly don't know how to feel right now and I am quite stuck. 

This guy initiated a conversation at the end of last year and we've been talking for months now. We've been saying good morning and good night everyday and the conversations everyday has been casual. He asked to meet up for lunch at the beginning of last month and I had a nice time. But the thing is from the way we are texting, I can't quite tell if he is interested or not. After that lunch hangout, we have just been texting and neither of us mentioned another possible hangout. Is like asking to hang out sort of like you take turns to do? 

You didn't mention how you first met, so I'll assume it's electronically.

It's been quite some time since I participated in internet dating, but what I did notice at the time that there were more people interesting in this type of electronic entertainment than there was those who actually wanted to meet and relate in real time.

It's typical to exchange some emails, chats, texts in the beginning.  But if I sensed this was their way of relating i'd cut it off at the pass and let them know I wasn't good at texting for long indefinite periods of time and to let me know when they would like to get together.  Or I would say something simple like.  "I'm out running errands tomorrow.  Would you want to meet me for a cup of coffee"    In between I would pump the breaks on electronic exchanges.

You aren't asking the guy to marry you.  You are merely letting him know you would like (and deserve) a friend/companion you can actually spend time with.  Whether it's him or someone else, let him know.   No reason to feel vulnerable.  It's a reasonable minimal request.  

You will quickly suss out what this guy's intentions are.  I can only assume you don't want to invest anymore time and emotion into something that wasn't going to go anywhere to begin with.  Start conducting your life as if your time is valuable.  Believe you deserve it.

[Rose Mosse]

19 hours ago, taromilktea said:

oop i think i might be too shy to flirt in like a bold way, any subtle ways that can still make it obvious that i'm interested? 

He may be very passive in general. Or sees you only as a friend. I think you are trying too hard. Dial it back and don't be afraid to go long gaps without speaking to him. He can wonder about you and call you if he's interested. Date other guys. 

[Wiseman2]

On 3/29/2021 at 1:29 AM, taromilktea said:

I think we're both 18 and yeah we go to the same school

Ok you've hung out already and have a lot in common. He's probably shy also. Is he in any of your classes? 

[taromilktea]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

He's probably shy also. Is he in any of your classes? 

That's what I'm guessing. We were in a class together last semester and I guess that's how we met for the first time. After we met for the first time in person, we went months without talking until he initiated again in another class groupchat and we just brought the conversation to a more private platform. 

I guess it kinda stuck with us that we been saying good morning and good night everyday lmao and I get that I have to put a little space between us, so i am focusing more on my school work and more of my hobbies, but i think im going to feel bad if i just stop texting him everyday because that's the only way we keep in touch and i felt like it was hard for him to get us to talk again after that first time at the beginning. 

 

[taromilktea]

3 hours ago, reinventmyself said:

I can only assume you don't want to invest anymore time and emotion into something that wasn't going to go anywhere to begin with.

yeah, I don't want it to be one-sided where I'm the only one putting in the effort to try and get to know each other more or try to plan a hang out. I'm kinda distancing a bit for now I guess, kinda giving off the same energy as him, but I don't know if he's meaning to be like this, so I don't know if I'm wrong to do this.

[reinventmyself]

13 minutes ago, taromilktea said:

yeah, I don't want it to be one-sided where I'm the only one putting in the effort to try and get to know each other more or try to plan a hang out. I'm kinda distancing a bit for now I guess, kinda giving off the same energy as him, but I don't know if he's meaning to be like this, so I don't know if I'm wrong to do this.

You can always tell him what you are looking for.   Not from him necessarily.   There is something powerful and confident about stating your truth, rather than just drifting into silence. 

Consider telling him you would continue to communicate with someone if you thought they were looking for the same thing.  As much as you have enjoyed the past few months, it was never your intention in participating in an electronic friendship, indefinitely.    

If he isn't looking for a relationship, tell him it's perfectly ok and you respect that, but at the same time you will need to redirect your attention elsewhere.  Or - to someone who is on the same page as yourself.

You have nothing to lose at this point.  The path you've chosen will get nothing in the end anyway.   You may as well say something.   You may not get the answer you are hoping for, but it is a good growing experience.  

[Tinydance]

Well there is a possibility that this guy might just like you as a friend. Which might explain why he just likes to chat but he's not really asking you on dates. Although you said you're really shy, so maybe he's not really getting any signals from you that you're interested and he thinks you only want to be friends too. You like him as more than a friend though so why not just tell him you're interested and ask him on an actual date? What do you have to lose? Even if it ruins the friendship, you didn't want to be just friends anyway.

[taromilktea]

1 hour ago, Tinydance said:

Which might explain why he just likes to chat

yeah idk about that LMAO i'm finding it hard to reply and i'm sure he feels the same about the conversation being a bit boring cuz we both dk what to talk about, and he still tries to continue the conversation but idk. 

[Tinydance]

Just now, taromilktea said:

yeah idk about that LMAO i'm finding it hard to reply and i'm sure he feels the same about the conversation being a bit boring cuz we both dk what to talk about, and he still tries to continue the conversation but idk. 

Well if you don't tell him you like him I think the chance of anything happening will basically be zero. So it's your call what you wanna do!