Feel so low after breakup and really don't know what to do? So many mixed messages

[Jev98]

So 3 months ago my girlfriend of 4 years split up with me, it has been the hardest time of my life with christmas and my birthday all happening after we split up. 

she finished with me over something so small but she claimed it was the icing on the cake as we split up a couple months before this due to her not being happy with how I treated her (which I totally understood, accepted and improved myself to make sure I would no longer do the things she did not like). She could be quite controlling and throughout the relationship I would always change myself as she would say 'she can get somebody else who will give her what she wants' so out of fear of losing her I would always do what she said.

Since we have broken up I have had so many mixed messages, first she says we need time apart for a clean slate, then she says we can't get back together, then she says we can be friends, then she agrees to meet up with me (which I cancelled as my family said it would knock me back if I got rejected again) then when she found out I wanted her back she said not now but who knows in 6 months time but she can only go off how she feels now. The final time we texted all I said was I hope your okay and was just checking how she was (as I was really struggling and I didn't want her to be struggling on her own). For the first time she said she didn't want to speak to me as it was always too emotional and that she needed more time and space (she was very cold and blunt) so I panicked and said can I please call you to tell her about the self improvements I have made and how moving forward it would give our relationship the best shot of working out, I even started therapy to sort our certain issues she didn't like with me, I started meditation to also help this, I read books to improve myself. All this I did for her because I loved her and accepted I made mistakes and caused her some hurt in the past but I was so determined to make it right and show her this. Her response was 'I never asked you to do anything, we need to move on now, too much has happened and I am at point of no return'. 

I couldn't believe she all of a sudden said this after I spent 2 months doing everything I could to make her happy. I really don't know what to do - i still love her and she claims she loves me but she has accepted things just were not right. If she from the start said there is no chance of reconciliation I would have maybe accepted this, but I feel like all the mixed messages gave me hope to carry on (when I told her I would leave her alone at the start of the break up she said she would't stop me from trying). Comments like this leave me so confused - what does she really want and what am I best off doing for my own sake? 

 

Maybe its time i enter NC and try to let go (which is not what I want deep down)

 

Any advice would be greatly appreciated as I am so lost right now and heartbroken.

 

(Just so you know I was never abusive, when she said I didn't treat her right she meant put her first and that sometimes I was impatient with her)

[MissCanuck]

13 minutes ago, Jev98 said:

She could be quite controlling and throughout the relationship I would always change myself as she would say 'she can get somebody else who will give her what she wants' so out of fear of losing her I would always do what she said.

You should never stay with someone who manipulates you like this. 

This was your clue that this was not a healthy relationship. And it's not all because of you. She sounds like an entitled pain in the ass. You sound like you enabled that because you lacked the self-worth to assert yourself. 

So yes, it's beyond time to cut contact with her so you can finally move on. This is lopsided and not going to work out. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Jev98 said:

I cancelled as my family said it would knock me back if I got rejected again

Sorry this happened. Listen to your family. Delete and block her from all your social media and messaging apps. 4 yrs is long enough to know you're incompatible and have very different goals and timelines. 

BTW, those 'get your ex back' sites which recommend telling the ex about your "improvement plan" are basically scams that backfire, as you have unfortunately found out. Improve yourself for you, not anyone you've been unable to work things out with. 

[boltnrun]

Yes, I agree those scam websites do more harm than good.  And do not follow their advice to "write and send a letter" or post pics of yourself on social media having a great time with friends or send scripted texts.  None of those tactics work and besides, everyone knows about them so they are not fooled.

No contact, give yourself time to get past the pain.  Don't be your own worst enemy.

[smackie9]

4 hours ago, Jev98 said:

 

Maybe its time i enter NC and try to let go (which is not what I want deep down)

 

 

Yes, because you two are just way too different in what you look for in a partner, and how you treat each other. It's a good thing to move on, even tho it doesn't seem so....you will see.

[Jev98]

Seems like all you guys and my family all have the same opinion which is to move on as things would just never work as we want different things. I don't know why but I am just not seeing it this way and hoping that things can work out.

[SooSad33]

5 hours ago, Jev98 said:

She could be quite controlling and throughout the relationship I would always change myself as she would say 'she can get somebody else who will give her what she wants'

- These are pure insults your way 😞 

She never appreciated you and sounds like it was ALWAYS on YOU.

Let her go find someone else- who again, probably won't be enough for HER.

 

5 hours ago, Jev98 said:

I have had so many mixed messages, first she says we need time apart for a clean slate, then she says we can't get back together, then she says we can be friends, then she agrees to meet up with me (which I cancelled as my family said it would knock me back if I got rejected again) then when she found out I wanted her back she said not now but who knows in 6 months time but she can only go off how she feels now

No.  Nothing.. No to friends either.. YOU need time away from her - forever.

None of this was good on you.  Except make you feel like you were not good enough.. to 'keep trying', yet, was not enough.

AND, in order to work on accepting and healing from all of this, you NEED to stay away - No contact!  She has damaged you!  No one needs this kind of crap 😞 

 

5 hours ago, Jev98 said:

I couldn't believe she all of a sudden said this after I spent 2 months doing everything I could to make her happy.

-She is NEVER happy and stop trying so hard to 'make someone else happy'.  What about YOU?

40 minutes ago, Jev98 said:

Seems like all you guys and my family all have the same opinion which is to move on as things would just never work as we want different things. I don't know why but I am just not seeing it this way and hoping that things can work out.

-HOPING, thats it.  But, is not reality.

Fact: She has not been nice your way, she has not seemed happy in a long time with you.

And I feel she left this relationship a long while ago- as she was making her way out & leading you on.. and struggling.

5 hours ago, Jev98 said:

I panicked and said can I please call you to tell her about the self improvements I have made and how moving forward it would give our relationship the best shot of working out, I even started therapy to sort our certain issues she didn't like with me,

Nope.  Stop trying to hard to 'prove' yourself!

No matter what you are doing, or have done, doesn't matter.  Do ALL for yourself now (if there are issue's?).

If you continue your therapy, please discuss this experience you've had with her.. and work through your emotions & loss.

** IF someone truly has feelings for you, they WILL try.  They will show you & try to work with you.  Not, this push & pull.. not agree to 'just friends' etc - leading you on. **

As I often say.. 'It's all or nothing'.

For your own well-being.  You need to have no more to do with her.  She has hurt you!

And in order to accept all that has happened & failed.. to work on healing, you have to get away from everything and have NOTHING to do with her anymore... or it keeps hurting you.

All takes time.  But it can be done.  One day at a time.

[Jev98]

18 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

- These are pure insults your way 😞 

She never appreciated you and sounds like it was ALWAYS on YOU.

Let her go find someone else- who again, probably won't be enough for HER.

 

No.  Nothing.. No to friends either.. YOU need time away from her - forever.

None of this was good on you.  Except make you feel like you were not good enough.. to 'keep trying', yet, was not enough.

AND, in order to work on accepting and healing from all of this, you NEED to stay away - No contact!  She has damaged you!  No one needs this kind of crap 😞 

 

-She is NEVER happy and stop trying so hard to 'make someone else happy'.  What about YOU?

-HOPING, thats it.  But, is not reality.

Fact: She has not been nice your way, she has not seemed happy in a long time with you.

And I feel she left this relationship a long while ago- as she was making her way out & leading you on.. and struggling.

Nope.  Stop trying to hard to 'prove' yourself!

No matter what you are doing, or have done, doesn't matter.  Do ALL for yourself now (if there are issue's?).

If you continue your therapy, please discuss this experience you've had with her.. and work through your emotions & loss.

** IF someone truly has feelings for you, they WILL try.  They will show you & try to work with you.  Not, this push & pull.. not agree to 'just friends' etc - leading you on. **

As I often say.. 'It's all or nothing'.

For your own well-being.  You need to have no more to do with her.  She has hurt you!

And in order to accept all that has happened & failed.. to work on healing, you have to get away from everything and have NOTHING to do with her anymore... or it keeps hurting you.

All takes time.  But it can be done.  One day at a time.

Thanks so much for this - I hold my hands up and admit I made mistakes but I was with her from 18 - 22. I have been learning this whole time and always made sure if she didn't like something that I would change. I really did try hard and it sucks to think I just wan't good enough. Do you think if I leave her alone for a long time she may realise this? Or is this relationship really dead and buried? I am currently 15 days into NC.

[SooSad33]

2 minutes ago, Jev98 said:

always made sure if she didn't like something that I would change.

You tried way too hard.. FACT:  You were not good enough.. for HER.,, ( To have to keep working on yourself -to change)  Simple, you two are NOT compatible.

Okay, so now you have to accept, you were NOT good enough.. for her.

4 minutes ago, Jev98 said:

Do you think if I leave her alone for a long time she may realise this? Or is this relationship really dead and buried?

I don't think you get it.... Whether she realizes it or not.. It's done.  SHE was nasty to you for way too long.  It caused you a lot of hurt!  😞 

To me, it seems like she has instilled so much negative into you, that you now feel you are FULL of problems.. When, maybe it is just her... OR, you are not full of so many problems, you just weren't right for her.  

Meaning, you two were NOT meant for long-term.  Therefore this came to an end.. and IMO, for the better, BEFORE it totally broke you down!

You know, no one's perfect.. But, for you to keep getting treated like crap, told you had to change this, or work on that... and I repeat " She could be quite controlling and throughout the relationship I would always change myself as she would say 'she can get somebody else who will give her what she wants"

- This plainly shows YOU, that she was VERY cruel- and you took it.  YOU let her continue to put you down.. and say things like this... when really you should have walked away then.

I hope you see what I am saying... You need to see that you are really not that bad a person- You just could NEVER make her 'happy'.  She was picky at you, insulting etc.. 

Work on your focus now on YOURSELF.  Not her!  She deserves nothing from you anymore.

She NEVER appreciated you - telling you she can get it from someone else?  Then go for it, lady!

You are 22.. sooo many good years ahead of you!  :)

Learn from this... work on accepting now & healing (take some down time to get yourself back to good).

Move on.. get your own life back.. and If someone  you get involved with keeps telling you that you are not 'good enough', leave.

We all deserve to be treated nicely & respected... if not, we get out of it!

Self respect..self love  ❤️

 

[boltnrun]

No, it isn't that you "were not 'good enough' for her"!

It's that she's a selfish, insatiable monster who gets off on ordering you around and watching you fall all over yourself to please her.  If you did what she asked, she would just ask for (demand) something else.  You never would have satisfied her because that's her plan; to keep you jumping.

Time away from her with zero contact will help the fog to clear.  But it has to be ZERO contact.  Otherwise you'll never climb out of this miserable hole.

Read my signature line and believe it because it's true.

[smackie9]

When you are in the right relationship there is no "having to change" because you both are well suited for each other...and that's is how it is. You cannot have a relationship solely based on love and affection.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Jev98 said:

Seems like all you guys and my family all have the same opinion which is to move on as things would just never work as we want different things. 

Try to relax and reflect. What were the different things you wanted? 

[Jev98]

13 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Try to relax and reflect. What were the different things you wanted? 

I still wanted to see my friends as often as possible / go on lads holidays. As a result of this she felt second choice and wanted more commitment. I was willing to do this and told her I could change but she then said she doesn't like my personality (she is very sensitive and sometimes I can lose my patience but i was never nasty). I ultimately wanted to make it work and show her I can be everything she wants but she wasn't willing to give me another chance.

[SooSad33]

2 minutes ago, Jev98 said:

I still wanted to see my friends as often as possible / go on lads holidays. As a result of this she felt second choice and wanted more commitment. I was willing to do this and told her I could change

Yes, you were fully entitled to go hang with your friends... SHE was never happy, as mentioned no matter what, was NEVER enough.

You did NOT need to 'change' anything.. Was on HER to accept.

3 minutes ago, Jev98 said:

I ultimately wanted to make it work and show her I can be everything she wants but she wasn't willing to give me another chance.

No, you can't be everything  She Wants.  She is ridiculous!  Disrespectful. ( No pleasing her).

Was ALWAYS about her.. What about YOU?  

 

You need to get away from all of this now - for your own good. ... She was just 'not right' for you.

 

[Wiseman2]

15 minutes ago, Jev98 said:

I still wanted to see my friends as often as possible / go on lads holidays. As a result of this she felt second choice and wanted more commitment. 

sometimes I can lose my patience but i was never nasty.

How old is she? It's better to have your freedom and be single for a while. Don't get tied down if you don't want to be.

How do you lose your patience? What do you mean "she's too sensitive"? Did you make her cry/hurt her?

It seems she gave you quite a chance then just gave up on things. What was meant by "more commitment? Assurances that after 4 years she wasn't wasting her time?  Live together, get engaged, go out/take holidays like a couple?

[Jev98]

33 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

How old is she? It's better to have your freedom and be single for a while. Don't get tied down if you don't want to be.

How do you lose your patience? What do you mean "she's too sensitive"? Did you make her cry/hurt her?

It seems she gave you quite a chance then just gave up on things. What was meant by "more commitment? Assurances that after 4 years she wasn't wasting her time?  Live together, get engaged, go out/take holidays like a couple?

she used to say she was never happy how I balanced her and my friends 50/50 and that I should put her first, which I thought I did as I saw her way more than I saw my friends. It is all confusing to work out exactly what she wants. 

I would lose my patience with her as sometimes she was away with the fairies but I would never say anything hurtful but yes she would cry often over things that I did but I always apologised and understood her point of view and I would make sure I never did it again. One example of this was liking girls pictures on instagram (even famous people she didn't like it) so she said I was only allowed to like boys photos or her own, no other women. I accepted this. As you can see it is such a petty thing and in my opinion not a big deal but to her it was important so like I said i just accepted and no longer did it.

 

she is 21

[Jev98]

41 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

Yes, you were fully entitled to go hang with your friends... SHE was never happy, as mentioned no matter what, was NEVER enough.

You did NOT need to 'change' anything.. Was on HER to accept.

No, you can't be everything  She Wants.  She is ridiculous!  Disrespectful. ( No pleasing her).

Was ALWAYS about her.. What about YOU?  

 

You need to get away from all of this now - for your own good. ... She was just 'not right' for you.

 

I do agree i think no matter what I did I would never make her happy unless I became a prisoner to her and lived the life she wanted to live instead of my own. I think she needs to realise that the perfect relationship does not exist and I did go above and beyond - not many lads at my age would sacrifice the things I did to be with her.

[SooSad33]

15 minutes ago, Jev98 said:

I do agree i think no matter what I did I would never make her happy unless I became a prisoner to her and lived the life she wanted to live instead of my own. I think she needs to realise that the perfect relationship does not exist and I did go above and beyond - not many lads at my age would sacrifice the things I did to be with her.

Exactly... you did all you could do.. and try not to lose yourself 😞 

What's done is done.. now you work on accepting nothing more you can do... as you two are not compatible.

You owe her NOTHING.

This is how life is... we live and we learn.  Some people are not for us.  We need to accept this, move on and leave them be.

No, you are not 'friends'.  Nor, can you be - not with emotions still running high. ( Maybe, someday, most probably not.  This sort of experience can set you off a while.. and usually we are not 'able' to be friends with our ex's, due to the damages & hard feelings.

So, you move on... heal from this experience with this chicklet and get yourself back to good :)  

This chapter is done...  One day at a time.

[boltnrun]

43 minutes ago, Jev98 said:

I would lose my patience with her as sometimes she was away with the fairies

What does "away with the fairies" mean?

[Jev98]

1 minute ago, boltnrun said:

What does "away with the fairies" mean?

I would say something like Don't forget your mask. We then lock the house, get in the car, set off and she says I have forgot my mask, so we turn around go back in the house etc.. stuff like this I was sometimes too impatient with her which is what I mean when I say I was not perfect 

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, Jev98 said:

not many lads at my age would sacrifice the things I did to be with her.

Exactly. Why do you think that is?

Because they don't lack a backbone. Making all these sacrifices isn't necessarily a sign of love and commitment, Jev. It's the indication that your relationship is not a good one and that your partner has no respect for you. It's the waving red flag that you don't have solid self-esteem, and thus tolerate your girlfriend wiping her feet on you. 

You're confusing sacrifice and healthy compromise, and think it's a good thing. It's not. 

[boltnrun]

50 minutes ago, Jev98 said:

I would say something like Don't forget your mask. We then lock the house, get in the car, set off and she says I have forgot my mask, so we turn around go back in the house etc.. stuff like this I was sometimes too impatient with her which is what I mean when I say I was not perfect 

Well, no one is perfect.  I've gotten impatient when I reminded my husband to do something and he either forgot anyway or he would be deliberately obtuse to try to annoy me.  That certainly isn't grounds for a major argument unless you spoke to her like she was stupid.

You two are very young, you were young when you got together and you are learning how to conduct yourself in a relationship.  That's not a bad thing.  We've all been through it.  I married my first serious boyfriend (we met when I was barely 19) and it ended up not working out because as we grew into the adults we would be we found we were incompatible.  It happens.  No good guy, no bad guy, just not right for one another.  It seems like you and your ex are similar, just not the right one for a lifetime partner.

[catfeeder]

14 hours ago, Jev98 said:

Since we have broken up I have had so many mixed messages,

For me, there'd be no mixed messages about a breakup. That's the message I'd hear sound and clear, and if ex ever wanted to get back with me, he'd need to step up, clearly, and earn it.

I'd stop trying to make this more complicated than it is, and I'd tell her that I don't want to hear from her unless she's clear that she wants to reconcile.

Head high, and respect yourself.

[Wiseman2]

15 hours ago, Jev98 said:

I would say something like Don't forget your mask. We then lock the house, get in the car, set off and she says I have forgot my mask, so we turn around go back in the house etc.. stuff like this I was sometimes too impatient with her which is what I mean when I say I was not perfect 

Ok so you want to be and act single, that's fine. But you are very disrespectful towards her.

Now in addition to you wanting as much time with your friends as possible she's an airhead?

Stay single and enjoy it. You're not ready for a long term relationship. You miss the sex, not her.

[PrettyPolly2021]

 

You sound like an all rounder, a nice guy and I would say you did very well in this relationship, here’s a hug, chin up,🤗