He says I'm pushing him away

[Unbalanced860]

I made a post last month explaining my thoughts on my relationship with my 48 year old boyfriend. I'm 34. We don't live together. Im deciding on whether to end it and I had a talk with him last night. Below are his thoughts on me. 

He says that I'm pushing him away. He says that I'm always down and negative. I always tell him that I'm not feeling well ( I have gas or a headache) when we go to have sex.

He says whenever I see him I never tell him anything good only that I don't feel well. He says I say I'm going to do one thing but end up doing something completely different all of the time.

He says I'm always stressed when I come to him and that when i come to visit him i sit in one corner usually on my phone he's usually on his too. He lives in one room, it's a studio but it's one room and the only other thing to do there is to have sex. I do initiate conversation too.

I'm never on time for anything and I used to keep him waiting hours at a time for me. I've improved but I'm still always late and he has to wait for me.

I sometimes break plans, like he'll plan to pick me up after work to go to his house and spend time (sex) but I change plans at the last minute.

He says that I'm not loving. He says he just wants love. Recently we've gone 8 days without sex although lately I've been trying to do it every other day with him but right now I'm emotionally blocked. 

He says my life only consists of cooking for my daughter, taking care of my animals, Instagram,  online shopping and working in my home and that I don't do anything like have coffee with friends or go anywhere and I don't plan anything with him. I have no color in my life. I only want to stay in my home. He's right about that but I've tried at least once to get him to go to a concert with me but he doesn't like the type of music. He doesn't like most things I like anyway.

He's pretty patient. He's accepted my teen daughter who gave him hell in the beginning. He never gave up on her. She used to be pretty disrespectful. He gives her more time and understanding than anyone else in my family. He cooks for me, brings me food from his work, pleases me in bed, takes me where I want to go and is pretty much selfless.

He says most men would have left me by now but he stays because he loves me. 

I've been struggling with the idea of breaking up with him since the start of my relationship (see my last post which is my side of our story). The only thing that he's missing and what's crucial to me is offering emotional support. I just found out my love language is words of affirmation and he gives the complete opposite of that. He also comes off as rude sometimes possibly due to cultural differences.

I'm looking at his side and I can see that I'm not the best girlfriend. I've drafted a breakup letter and sent some of it to him but I'm holding off on the last part because I'm not sure if I'm making the right decision.  I feel a little dead inside when it comes to our relationship. We had a very stressful week and I'm still recovering from it. I don't want to make love and he's just been irritating me lately. 

I realize that I'm toxic and I don't want to imprison him so I feel the best thing to do is to end it. I honestly don't know if we'll be happy spending the rest of our lives together. I know that it's going to hurt to lose him but to stay I feel would be selfish. 

Any advice?

[Wiseman2]

Focus on your family, friends, daughter, co-parenting with her father, your work,interests, etc 

It's best to ignore a laundry list of complaints like this.

It sounds like he's sort of a loser and projects a lot of his issues onto you to manipulate you into doing what he wants. 

Just like he used one of his exes for a green card.

No elaborate apologies or breakup dissertations are needed. A simple " it's just not working out any more" is better.

Break-ups should be clean and final. A letter sounds like fixing, changing, negotiating and indecisiveness .

It also comes off as volleying lists of complaints back-and-forth which is toxic as hell.

 

 

 

[Hollyj]

Why not reread the responses to your last thread.  I believe that everyone said you were incompatible and you should not continue with this guy.  

" He says most men would have left me by now but he stays because he loves me. "   So manipulative.  I cannot fathom why are with this guy!  You're relationship is so healthy and you should not be exposing your daughter to this.

[catfeeder]

Bottom line: do you want to be in or out of this?

If you want out, then sending a letter is pointless. Just tell him this isn't working and you want out.

If you want in, then the question becomes, WHY?

 

[ForeverLearning]

Somethings aren’t meant to be. This seems like one of those things

[Jibralta]

On 1/16/2021 at 1:28 AM, Unbalanced860 said:

Any advice?

You have to make a decision.

From this post and your last post, I get the impression that you don't want to be with this guy, but that you're struggling to find a good reason to end things. Maybe you're afraid you will regret breaking up.

You don't have to have a good reason to break up; you can just do it.

In your last post, you disliked his tendency to give you cold, hard, facts instead of snuggles. This post highlights more of the same from him: specific things that you can do to improve things in your life. 

Don't confuse his dry delivery for lack of emotional intelligence. Someone who can deliver accurate and insightful advice about emotionally charged topics most likely has a high level of emotional intelligence.

He's given you specific items that you can address, if you so choose. This means that for him, the door is open for a relationship. It's totally up to you to end things. You have to make the decision.

[Andrina]

You feel toxic in the relationship. When you're in the right relationship, you'll feel like you're a better person because of your partner's support and love. This is the opposite.

His comment that other men would have left by now is a common comment made by abusers who seek to control you. And it's not constructive criticism. People who know how to communicate issues properly do it without bashing their partner. You're stressed, avoid sex, and break dates because you're tired of being bashed.

Be alone and build up your self esteem, or you will likely repeat the same pattern of dating toxic men. Of course, you always have work to also do on yourself as a partner, and being timely is one. It's disrespectful to make a person wait for you at the appointed time. Good luck.