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He's asked for space


robys2

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I've recently started dating a new guy. This guy seemed perfect. We hit it off immediately. We had all the same interests, loved food, sport, the same kind of music, politics, family values etc. 

We went on 4 dates within around 3 weeks. They were amazing. We chatted, got closer, it really felt like this was the start of something new. After a few dates he said he's been single about a year after the end of a long term relationship where he was living with his partner of six years. He'd ended it with her and she'd moved out.

After date 5 (when we slept together) he became a bit more inconsistent. Telling me he can't wait to see me, but then also finding it harder to have free time. I went along with it until after date 7. In person, the dates were absolutely perfect. We'd laugh for hours and just enjoy each others company, but he was making less effort to arrange time together or contact me when we weren't together.

So over the weekend I phoned him as my plans had changed and I had some free time. He told me he had to be honest, he was terrified. He was worried he's going to hurt me, he's not long out of a long term relationship etc and he needed some space. He was very honest. 

I thought about it and said as I like him and would like to see if it could go anywhere, I'd give him some space, but that if he was just trying to soften the blow then I'd rather just be told directly. He said he definitely wasn't and that he liked me.

I expected him to ask if we could catch up after New Year but he asked if we could see each other between Christmas and New year. I said yes.

What normally happens in this situation? Is he just going to tell me he doesn't want to date me? I'm a bit sad that I'm in limbo over Christmas!

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He's been honest with you, he's not over his ex. He isn't feeling secure enough to date someone seriously.

I honestly think you need to listen to him and take what he's saying seriously.

Slow down and maybe stop expecting much right now, apart from getting to know one another without any expectations.

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I just went through a strikingly similar situation in my (ex) relationship. I would say the inconsistency is a red flag. If he's saying one thing but his actions are contradictory, trust his MOVES not his words. It does sound like he is being upfront about his reservations with a relationship and you have to respect that. His past dating history indicates he was in a very deep involved love. 6 years is a long time, longer than a year. He sounds like he isn't quite emotionally available and that's his hesitation. 

Breaks more often then not are a signal of the end rather than an extension of hope and faithfulness. I would take the break in stride and understand he probably isn't ready.   

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He's not interested in having a relationship with you right now. Anything else, yes. That's why he's asked to see you between New Years and Christmas, leaving the door open.

That's also why the whole "worried he's going to hurt me, he's not long out of a long term relationship etc and he needed some space" spiel. If he were trying to win you over, he'd assure you that he isn't going to hurt you and that whilst he isn't long out of a LTR he's totally fine, etc and back it up with actions. Anyhow, that's been my experience.

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When you're intimate with someone do you usually become attached quickly? I ask to get an idea of your dating style. Don't beat yourself up for anything. It happened so take it for what it is. I think he wants to see other people without being locked into anything exclusive possibly because it felt a bit too much/too soon at once. 

Give it more time next time if you get attached quickly. I'm really sorry he was so inconsistent. Doesn't it also strike you as strange that he wasn't able to communicate clearly about his intentions afterwards or the shift in emotions? He waited until you said something first without recognizing it openly. This is no good. Connect with individuals who are open and communicative. It's a better start that way. This might be for the best. 

 

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Hmmm good excuse to get out of it after the sex. If he was honest with you he would have told you on the first date he wasn't over his ex, and that he was only looking to hook up. That wouldn't fly with the majority of women, so he play stupid, and then dump the ol' not over my ex crap. Want to suss out jerks like this? no sex until exclusivity.

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Nobody is worth putting yourself on ice for. If a person isn't emotionally available in the present, it doesn't matter how good looking they are, among other good traits. Keep yourself free to date people who don't have barriers and who have the same dating goals as you. Things are regressing versus progressing. He doesn't have 100 percent confidence in being with you in a way that you prefer.

I'd do a hard pass on his breadcrumbs. But if you choose to continue on, keep the dates outside of the bedroom to see if he really wants to get to know you and not just bed a woman who is obviously so enamored that she's willing to let his wishes override hers. 

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