Dead bedroom since pandemic and moving in together - HELP!

[genji12]

This is where you learn more about being a decent man and not a horny teenager. A decent man, would try his best to understand his girlfriend, help de-stress her in non sexual ways.

Take care of her, listen to her and be there for her without pressuring her.

 

You telling her that you can't see you and she together long term if she doesn't put out, is quite frankly, shameful behavior.

 

Yes, you're young, yes, you've got high libido, but you're not a walking penis, nor should you be. Your girlfriend is a living, breathing human being who is not coping well with the pandemic, and you know what? THAT'S OKAY. Many aren't coping well. It is a highly stressful situation and there is still no end in sight.

I think most people at one point or the other have been on edge with everything. After all, it's not everyday over a million people worldwide die due to a virus that's infecting more and more.

 

There are also going to be times in your relationship and in your marriage (should you ever marry one day) where things aren't so rosey. You'll run into rough waters due to stress, finances, family. illness, or what have you.

That's normal. It happens to every single couple. And depending on how stressful the situation you or your partner may be going through, it could last months.

That's your cue to step up and be a loving and supportive man who tries his best to not only understand, but to genuinely loves his partner through all the good times AND bad times.

 

To be honest, putting pressure on someone for sex is selfish, especially if you know why she's not herself or is not doing well.

 

It would be different if she was just being difficult, or had no interest in you anymore due to other reasons, like maybe she fell out of love with you, or if she was punishing you to be cruel, etc.

But this woman is not doing any of those things. She is struggling mental health wise and she needs a man who understands and helps her, not makes it worse.

 

Have you suggested to her that she should see a counsellor? Tell her that you'll drive her there and stay with her. Have you talked to her and listened to what she is worrying about without judgement, without criticism...just literally listened and let her know she's not alone?

 

Love is many things, but sometimes it's loving your partner in the worst of times and placing your needs on the shelf until they are better.

 

If you're not willing to work through this with her or be what she needs right now, then it is best you let her go. But I think you're being very unreasonable not understanding and not supporting her the way she needs to be supported right now.

 

After all, you can take care of your own needs for the time being.

 

I appreciate the advice, but I’d just like to stress that she doesn’t seem to be struggling in an obvious sense. She’s not less happy than she usually seems - I definitely have a worse mental health right now for reasons about and not about the relationship and I think she would be quick to agree about this.

 

So I have trouble thinking she’s struggling right now. I think her libido is low, but not because of anxiety or depression, which I think she would agree with.

[genji12]

Hopefully you won’t have to make the decision to leave her and that she actually leaves you.

 

You have told her you will leave her if you don’t get x amount of sex.

 

When did this abuse start?

If you are not happy with your sex life then leave. You don’t give her conditions!?

 

She has good reason to feel deflated etc. She is working full time from home and her partner is not working.

That’s actually a lot of pressure but all you care about is blow jobs!?

 

Do her a favour and end it. When you end it , tell her that you are too immature to be in a relationship, too selfish and hope she finds a guy that deserves her.

 

 

I’m not giving her a number or anything. But I have needs and that’s okay. Some people are not sexually compatible and I don’t feel like I need to feel like garbage for that. That isn’t to say that we aren’t compatible - we were on the same track during the pandemic.

 

I’m not sure what this stuff about blowjobs is about. I am not asking her for blowjobs and I’ve not whined about her not wanting to have sex for months now - I stopped that after I realized how damaging it was. The blowjobs were completely out of the blue and I didn’t ask or expect them. Can you chill out? You’re portraying me very unfairly and I don’t appreciate it.

[limichelle]

Hi OP,

 

I understand because sex may not be the most important thing but it is important. You need to have that physical connection and romantic vibe. If you don’t feel like your on the same page about sex with her it will just get worse with your needs not being met.

 

I was in a sexless relationship because the guy I found out later was asexual. It’s a good thing I didn’t marry him.

 

There’s things you need to sustain a healthy and long lasting relationship. You need the emotional, mental, and physical connection. Often when even one element of that is missing it starts to cause problems within the other ingredients to a relationship.

 

So for you it’s the lack of physical that could take a toll in the emotional connection. You’ll start to feel frustrated and resentful.

 

To save yourself the headache and further heartache, you’ll need to unfortunately cut ties with her and find someone more compatible.

[maew]

I appreciate the advice, but I’d just like to stress that she doesn’t seem to be struggling in an obvious sense. She’s not less happy than she usually seems - I definitely have a worse mental health right now for reasons about and not about the relationship and I think she would be quick to agree about this.

 

So I have trouble thinking she’s struggling right now. I think her libido is low, but not because of anxiety or depression, which I think she would agree with.

 

The thing with mental health is that any struggles can be very easily hidden until they become obvious. Most people are shocked when I tell them I struggle with insecurity, anxiety and depression because I have learned to adapt by portraying confidence and positivity on the outside even when I am feeling like $hit on the inside.

 

Of course there is nothing wrong with having needs... what I believe everyone here is trying to say is that a lack of sex in a relationship is a sign of deeper issues, and that you bear just as much responsibility as she in discovering what those issues are so that you can both work on finding a solution. The reality is that unless she is going through peri or menopause, it's highly unlikely that this is a physical issue with her and is most likely related to her not getting her emotional needs met in the relationship.

[tattoobunnie]

most likely related to her not getting her emotional needs met in the relationship.

 

Yup, 100 percent.

[genji12]

Hi OP,

 

I understand because sex may not be the most important thing but it is important. You need to have that physical connection and romantic vibe. If you don’t feel like your on the same page about sex with her it will just get worse with your needs not being met.

 

I was in a sexless relationship because the guy I found out later was asexual. It’s a good thing I didn’t marry him.

 

There’s things you need to sustain a healthy and long lasting relationship. You need the emotional, mental, and physical connection. Often when even one element of that is missing it starts to cause problems within the other ingredients to a relationship.

 

So for you it’s the lack of physical that could take a toll in the emotional connection. You’ll start to feel frustrated and resentful.

 

To save yourself the headache and further heartache, you’ll need to unfortunately cut ties with her and find someone more compatible.

 

Thanks for your response. There are so many external issues brought on by unprecedented times that I feel like makes this a unique situation, however. Not an unfixable one.

 

I don’t see why I don’t wait out until life returns to normal - if not I’ll probably really regret what could’ve been repaired with time. I might not regret it and find someone really compatible with me... but I might not. The two of us really do get along. I feel like before I give up I need to actually help her be part of the solution, and know for sure that nothing could’ve be done. Because this really isn’t necessarily at all like your situation, with all due respect. Maybe I’m just hoping that’s the case, but I can guarantee that she’s not asexual.

[genji12]

The thing with mental health is that any struggles can be very easily hidden until they become obvious. Most people are shocked when I tell them I struggle with insecurity, anxiety and depression because I have learned to adapt by portraying confidence and positivity on the outside even when I am feeling like $hit on the inside.

 

Of course there is nothing wrong with having needs... what I believe everyone here is trying to say is that a lack of sex in a relationship is a sign of deeper issues, and that you bear just as much responsibility as she in discovering what those issues are so that you can both work on finding a solution. The reality is that unless she is going through peri or menopause, it's highly unlikely that this is a physical issue with her and is most likely related to her not getting her emotional needs met in the relationship.

 

Thanks for your response. I mean, she says herself that since the pandemic she’s had good and bad days, but that she doesn’t feel like she’s going through a mental health problem. Wouldn’t she be able to know herself if that weren’t true?

 

To be honest, it could well be the case that she’s not getting her emotional needs met, but she doesn’t know if that’s true, she doesn’t know precisely why she’s feeling this way, and I don’t know what about the pandemic has had emotional needs that I’ve originally met changed.

[tattoobunnie]

Thanks for your response. I mean, she says herself that since the pandemic she’s had good and bad days, but that she doesn’t feel like she’s going through a mental health problem. Wouldn’t she be able to know herself if that weren’t true?

 

To be honest, it could well be the case that she’s not getting her emotional needs met, but she doesn’t know if that’s true, she doesn’t know precisely why she’s feeling this way, and I don’t know what about the pandemic has had emotional needs that I’ve originally met changed.

 

My husband also didn't think he was in a bad spot, like at all. That thinking also brought him to the hospital for days for a hypertensive crisis developed from all the stress. People don't always recognize something is up because they get acclimated to it over months. Kind of like a relationship that gets more and more complacent over time. Like, do you still do special things for her that make her feel special? I find that when couples move in together, the romance tends to wane since it's no longer made a priority. Same like marriage. You stop going on dates, connecting with each other romantically.

 

Try something else other than thinking she's holding out on you. Take a break from that mindset for 30 days, and just really love her, and do things together like walks in the park, going out where and when you can. Talk to her about her day and yours. And try to find work for yourself. I also find when one person is out of work, they find way deflect or blow stuff up or behave in a way that for attention...even though you may be sleeping and eating fine, and able to function, sex has become validation for you. Don't get me wrong, sex is glue in any relationship. But we are still in a pandemic. I think you should facilitate an environment where she can really feel loved and secure. Telling a person they aren't good enough makes anyone feel insecure, which makes them feel unloved, which makes them not want to do the horizontal mambo with you.

[maew]

Thanks for your response. I mean, she says herself that since the pandemic she’s had good and bad days, but that she doesn’t feel like she’s going through a mental health problem. Wouldn’t she be able to know herself if that weren’t true?

 

To be honest, it could well be the case that she’s not getting her emotional needs met, but she doesn’t know if that’s true, she doesn’t know precisely why she’s feeling this way, and I don’t know what about the pandemic has had emotional needs that I’ve originally met changed.

 

Ideally yes, however not everyone is self-aware until it hits them like a brick, or until it impacts their relationship, or until they have a physical symptom. When people get stuck in "doing" mode, they often don't pay attention to how they are feeling... it's also possible she might be afraid to talk about how she is really feeling for one of many different reasons.

[HeartGoesOn]

Living with a SO and their parents, unemployed and raging hormones all add up to a recipe for disaster. Her parents will likely be asking you to soon leave because it's an evasion of their privacy, although they won't directly give that reason. No offense, but playing house in her parents home will not end well.

 

My thoughts are, if you want your relationship to have a chance of going forward, it's time to move out, find a job and focus on getting out of your current environment while moving in a different direction.

[genji12]

Living with a SO and their parents, unemployed and raging hormones all add up to a recipe for disaster. Her parents will likely be asking you to soon leave because it's an evasion of their privacy, although they won't directly give that reason. No offense, but playing house in her parents home will not end well.

 

My thoughts are, if you want your relationship to have a chance of going forward, it's time to move out, find a job and focus on getting out of your current environment while moving in a different direction.

 

Point taken, but we can’t live apart forever... we’ll need to eventually make that work. Is it more that there are parents in the equation too?

[Lambert]

Point taken, but we can’t live apart forever... we’ll need to eventually make that work. Is it more that there are parents in the equation too?

I don't think the advice is moving out with out your gf, long term. Its moving out of the parents' house.

 

As long as you're in the parents' house, you're basically the children.

 

I would feel a lot of stress living with my parents and my boyfriend. She can clearly see what you do that they find either annoying or not really what they hoped for "their little girl" and its tough.

 

And those feeling really can't be helped. She might not know that's the source.

 

It might be worth it to strategizing with her, a plan on how to move out. knowing that you're unemployed now, maybe it could just be... hey was thinking why don't we start putting together a budget of what c we'll need to move out.

 

Sometimes a shared goal can really go a long way to bringing people closer together. Make sure its a goal of hers, too. Just don't go head long into a big elaborate thing, not knowing if she's into it or not.

 

if moving out isn't a goal right now, what's something else you can team up on? maybe doing something for her parents?

[Wiseman2]

Why aren't you living with your parents until you can find work?

Is it more that there are parents in the equation too?

[genji12]

Why aren't you living with your parents until you can find work?

 

My mother lives in the US and I plan on working in London where she lives