I've hit rock bottom

[Tinydance]

Not specifically any particular program. Meant finding a positive sobriety community that suits your tastes needs, rather than sinking further into isolation and self destruction. Not a debate about god, whatever.

 

Sadly people often do turn to drugs, alcohol, smoking, overeating etc. under times of stress. And Yes! everyone has had a hard time with corona it's not unique to anyone for any reason. Perhaps, IF you are ready, a healthy community will help to pull you through. Self destruction is self exacerbating meaning the more you drink ... the lower you get and the more you drink.

 

100% Wiseman. Drinking or using drugs (or other vices) is a vicious circle. You use them to escape your problems and make yourself feel better, but afterwards you actually feel even worse. You feel bad both physically and mentally. And in the end seems detrimental to what you really want. E.g. I want to lose weight and eventually find a partner. But by binge drinking I'm actually just putting weight on. I can think logically when I'm sober but when I'm drunk I just go into this la la land and the only thing I care about is drinking more.

[Tinydance]

I can’t remember anywhere if you said but do you have a pet do you think may be having a pet might help a bit?

 

I don't have any pets actually. I developed a few allergies at an older age when I was 26 years old. Like asthma, hayfever, pet allergies. I love animals and my family always had dogs. I tried to get a kitten back in 2015. Well I actually got one but got very allergic and asthma went bad. So I had to get rid of it :'( I also trialled getting a dog from a foster care programme but also was allergic to that dog. But my ex had a cat and I acclimatised to the cat after about a year of slow exposure. My parents also have a dog and slowly I got used to the dog as well. I don't seem to be allergic to all pets, probably some yes and some no. I probably would like to get a cat as I'm in an apartment. But may need to do a trial first.

[Tinydance]

I too am completely isolated. I am currently unemployed, live alone (except for my cat) and suffer from GAD and depression. I have extreme fear of contracting Covid and am afraid to be around people. I am attending virtual therapy and recently began taking medication. And I used to gallivant all over the place, traveling alone, going to restaurants alone and with friends and attending fun events. So I do understand the feelings of extreme isolation and loneliness.

 

However...I do not believe you love that man. You latched onto him as a solution to your loneliness and romanticized it so you could feel better about what you were doing. You knew deep down inside you were hurting yourself more rather than actually doing something that would make you feel better, so you justified it by calling it "love". Same with the drinking; you know it's awful for you but you tell yourself it will make you feel better.

 

I am more concerned with the reasons behind the self-destructive behaviors than I am about the behaviors themselves.

 

I haven't started drinking (can't because of the medication and my various medical conditions) and I haven't attempted to date or find a casual sex partner because I know those things will not make anything better. I have chosen to attend virtual therapy and try to keep myself busy every day doing something. I haven't been particularly productive but I do things to stay busy and make the days go by. I am fortunate to be moving in with family in just under two weeks because I believe the isolation is making things so much more worse for me.

 

Do you have family you can perhaps move in with or at least spend time with? How about friends? Can you communicate with friends who are involved in healthy things? Can you "attend" online exercise classes? Go for walks, learn to knit or do origami?

 

And yes, treatment for the drinking is vital. You can do some serious damage if you don't stop the drinking. I'm fairly certain you don't want that to happen.

 

And I'm sorry. This pandemic is taking such a horrible toll. I understand the fear and the isolated feelings and the anxiety and depression. They're awful. But please get some help so you don't self-destruct.

 

Thank you so much, your response really helped. I'm not glad to hear you are also so alone and suffering from mental health, but it is nice to be able to relate to each other. Honestly I think I did have very strong feelings for this polyamorous man, but the thing is I allowed the feelings to grow probably out of desperatio. Deep down I knew I want to be in a monogamous relationship and get married and have children. I think without quarantine if I had other online dating or meeting people options, perhaps I would just try to pursue other people. However a second quarantine started and I couldn't meet (or actually see) anybody.

 

The government policy is you can see a romantic partner in quarantine but nobody else unless they're your carer or you're theirs. So I began to see him for 2.5 months and initially just wanted company. Someone to hug, to be around. But the feelings did begin to grow but it was for the wrong person. He asked me if I saw a future with him and I blurted: "I don't know". Which I think basically meant no. I think if I'd had my friends around me, my job and my normal life then I wouldn't have been falling for this man who was very clearly not what I want.

 

Things are starting to look up because I am now able to see my Mum and her dog for walks. The policy changed that we are now allowed to travel within 5 km for exercise. So I meet my Mum within 5 km of both our places in a park and we walk the dog. It's spring in Australia so the weather is starting to be lovely. Also now the government allows single people who live alone to have one visitor. So I will see my best friend tomorrow. We always have to wear face masks though and no physical contact. Like no hugs etc. But still it's way better than before where you can't see anyone.

[Tinydance]

I have had my husband through the pandemic but I do suffer from extreme anxiety and panic disorder. My husband leaves next Sunday for 3 months. I will have my son and my cats though. So know you are not alone.

 

I imagine having anxiety makes things in quarantine much worse :( I don't really have anxiety at least. I hope you and your son will get through without your husband.

[Tinydance]

I wish you the best and wanted to echo that you should get outside help for your drinking issues - don't try this on your own, in this situation. If it helps at all, all I ever wanted was marriage and kids. I reconnected with my husband right before my 39th birthday, we got back together (engaged in the past) right after. Started trying to conceive a few months before I turned 41, and got married and had our son when we were 42. It's not too late. If you can, freeze your eggs- wasn't an option for me when I was your age. A number of my friends met their spouses and started families after 35 and 40. My friend married her salsa dancing instructor -10 years her junior -when she was 40 - they had twins four years later.

 

Yes it's helpful to hear stories of people that got married and had kids later. I really hope this happens to me soon as well. I actually have a close male friend who is a lovely person and he wants to be a donor for me. He has thought about this a lot and he wants to bea donor for other people too. I would really like to have an actual family so I want to try to find a partner first. But if I'm starting to push 40 then I may use my friend or another donor. I know there are always options and it's not the end.

[Tinydance]

This, just not probably but definitely. Yes, you need to learn to feel the sadness and sit through that, but also take it to the next steps. So feel it, sit with it, but then learn to process that and let go, move forward. Reason being that running away doesn't actually get you away from those feelings, thoughts, things - just puts it on a temporary hold, but then it all comes back and you still are where you were. So running away, trying to drown it in alcohol doesn't actually work.

 

The quarantine stuff is actually a great time to face yourself, to learn to deal, to process, to learn how to let go of negative thoughts, past, experiences.

 

Whether you realize it or not, you are actually doing it. Just look at this guy situation. You learned something very important about yourself - that poly is not for you after all. You also learned what you do want, what kind of a life, what kind of a relationship. You know what else? Once you realized all this about yourself you had the power to let him go because you know that carrying on is not good for you. That's tremendous personal growth on your end and personal power. Nothing to drown in alcohol, but a lot to celebrate and also process some more. Once you realize who you aren't and also who you are and what you want, you can now have a road map for your life, your future in terms of what kind of people you want to find and surround yourself with, what kind of a partner would suit you best, etc. You have a lot of personal strength and a whole lot of life ahead of you - just open your eyes and look.

 

Thank you so much, really lovely and supportive advice. You're right in that I had strength to end it with this man because I know polyamory won't make me happy. I think the problem is that drinking to deal with bad habits has become like a lifelong habit. And I need to break that habit. Every time I feel upset about anything, it seems easier just to drink. Or if I feel nervous on a date or something. My therapist said that I need to keep trying to do everything without the alcohol so that my brain can begin to grow other neural pathways and set those paths instead. For me alcohol has become synonymous with any unpleasant situation and it's like a classical conditioned response. And I know I need to un-learn that response.

[DancingFool]

Thank you so much, really lovely and supportive advice. You're right in that I had strength to end it with this man because I know polyamory won't make me happy. I think the problem is that drinking to deal with bad habits has become like a lifelong habit. And I need to break that habit. Every time I feel upset about anything, it seems easier just to drink. Or if I feel nervous on a date or something. My therapist said that I need to keep trying to do everything without the alcohol so that my brain can begin to grow other neural pathways and set those paths instead. For me alcohol has become synonymous with any unpleasant situation and it's like a classical conditioned response. And I know I need to un-learn that response.

 

Some interesting research that I've come across on habits is that it takes 3 months of cold turkey to get rid of a habit....or rather that's the hardest time. After that, it gets easier. However, a quicker and more painless way is to replace a bad habit you are trying to get rid of with a different positive habit that actually benefits you. It doesn't have to be one thing either.

 

For example, when you feel this terrible nervous energy, instead of self tranquilizing with alcohol, go for a walk or a jog or any active physical exercise even if just for 10-15 mins. This is the sort of thing where even if the weather is bad or there is a quarantine or whatever, you can still do a quick high intensity drill just at home - lots of free apps for it or videos on youtube on how to. It will take the edge off the edginess so that you can process whatever stress or issue much more calmly and with better clarity of mind.

 

If out on a date, instead of alcoholic drink, order mineral water with lime or something like that. The self soothing habit in this case isn't actually alcohol or whatever is in the glass, but the having something to sip, the action of drinking.

 

The habit is the physical action part. Your therapist is totally on point too and basically saying the same thing in a slightly different way.

[Batya33]

I agree with the exercise and also find drinking water relaxing -I started a habit a few years ago to double my water intake. My friend noted that drinking water relaxes her and I realize it does the same for me especially since I have my favorite water bottle (yes, the bottle matters IMO!).