Anxiety Help - Journal

[boltnrun]

Poop rant alert.

This situation escalated from once every couple of weeks to every day. Yesterday she got poop on the bed sheet. Today it was the bedspread. It's not a simple thing to wash sheets and blankets. The laundry room here only has two washers and two dryers, so getting a machine is pure luck. Fortunately I was able to get some quarters yesterday too as I haven't been able to for over a week.

She has started pooping when I'm in the shower in an attempt to avoid getting into "trouble". So now I will have to get up extra early so I can start running the shower and when she approaches her litter box I will run to strip the bed and move the area rugs. It's much easier to clean the laminate flooring than the rugs or bedding. I'll also need extra time to wash the poop off her paws and butt.

It's depressing thinking about having to do this for several more years. The consequences of having a senior pet, I guess.

[Seraphim]

Maybe it is a food allergy? 

[boltnrun]

50 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

Maybe it is a food allergy? 

Not trying to be facetious, but I'm not sure how a food allergy would cause her to step in her poop? She poops and then turns around in circles in her litter box immediately afterwards, stepping in her poop while doing so. 

I do meticulously keep her litter box clean, but I'm wondering if I got her a bigger one if it would help. Even when the box is completely free of poop and pee, she still finds a way to step directly in the poop she just pooped. She only started doing this late last year. That's why I think it's because she's getting older.

[Seraphim]

I don’t know I guess I just don’t understand why it would be so soft my cats don’t have soft poop. But they only eat dry kibble.

[boltnrun]

1 minute ago, Seraphim said:

I don’t know I guess I just don’t understand why it would be so soft my cats don’t have soft poop. But they only eat dry kibble.

She doesn't have soft poop. She just steps in it and gets it between her toes or on her furry butt.

[boltnrun]

My cousin called me last week very upset.  She and her husband haven't been doing well in their marriage lately.  They had gotten into a big argument and he got a bit physical with her.  She said she was leaving him and was going to file for divorce and try to get an emergency custody order for their children.  I told her I would be there to give her all the support she wanted and needed.  Well, a week went by and I hadn't heard any more from her.  And as I suspected, she has decided to stay with him and try to "work it out".  You know, it's not my decision to make and I love her no matter what, but I'm nervous.  I always think it's a bad idea to stay after there's been a physical fight because I think that teaches the other person that you'll stay even if they hit or shove you.  But it's her choice.

I'll be here for her if/when she does decide to leave.  But I'm not going to berate or chastise her for staying.  I can't force her to leave him. I just hope he doesn't escalate.

[boltnrun]

Well, my cat did NOT like it when I pulled the bed blanket back. She sat on the top sheet and complained the entire time I was in the shower. I also had moved the area rug out of the way and she found it and sat on a corner of it for a few minutes before she got back onto the bed. She didn't poop though. I wonder if she was too upset about the blanket and the rug to poop lol. She's currently under the blanket (I put it back after I got out of the shower). 

This plan worked today, so I'll continue. 

I know this is going to be an ongoing thing so I just need to work with it and try to find ways to mitigate.

Good sports week for me. Both of "my" teams won and the teams I dislike lost.

[boltnrun]

I am going to have to have my cat put down.

She is now starting to have diarrhea multiple times per day and has been peeing on the floor instead of in her litter box.  Her appetite is still good and she still grooms herself, but she struggles to walk and jump.  I'm getting depressed too, having to spend hours per day cleaning up her poo and pee.

I talked to my brother yesterday and he understood as he had to go through the same thing with his senior cat.  He tried extraordinary means to try to keep his cat alive and he regrets it now, knowing that his cat was likely in pain and feeling unwell.

Despite all the trouble I've been having with her, I do love my cat.  I'm terribly sad.  

There's a service that will come to my home so she won't have to be taken to a vet hospital.  I can purchase a nice "earth box" to keep her ashes in.  The service is very expensive, but I'm not going to just take her to a pet hospital and have her die in a room alone with a tech.

Ugh...I've been seeing this coming but that doesn't make it any easier. Super down, sad and depressed.

[Seraphim]

I am so so sorry. It is devastating I know. Please know that you are doing the best you can for her and you have done the entire time you have had her. If you need to talk let me know. I went through the same early this year. Love L

[boltnrun]

11 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

I am so so sorry. It is devastating I know. Please know that you are doing the best you can for her and you have done the entire time you have had her. If you need to talk let me know. I went through the same early this year. Love L

Thank you, you are very kind.

It's just been me and her for the past 7 years.  It seems impossible to think it'll just be me now.  But I'm not ready to even think about adopting another cat yet.

I'm scared to tell my kids.  They're going to be heartbroken.

[Jibralta]

I'm so sorry. I know how hard it is. 

2 hours ago, boltnrun said:

There's a service that will come to my home so she won't have to be taken to a vet hospital.  I can purchase a nice "earth box" to keep her ashes in.  The service is very expensive, but I'm not going to just take her to a pet hospital and have her die in a room alone with a tech.

I think that's very nice. My sister had a service come to her home for her dog. It was very sad, but her dog was in a comfortable place when she died, so it was worth it. 

[boltnrun]

17 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

I'm so sorry. I know how hard it is. 

I think that's very nice. My sister had a service come to her home for her dog. It was very sad, but her dog was in a comfortable place when she died, so it was worth it. 

She absolutely hates being in her carrier and riding in the car.  I don't want her last few minutes to be spent doing something she hates and fears.  I can hold her and talk to her until she sleeps at home.

God, this sounds so awful.  But I keep thinking if my quality of life was bad I wouldn't want to hang around confused and in pain and having bathroom issues.  I keep second guessing because sometimes she seems fine (like now, when she's asking for me to feed her the nightly treat I always give her) but then I see her trying to walk and struggling to lie down and I remember she's not fine.

Thank you for your thoughts and sympathy.

[Seraphim]

My vet let me go inside with my boy and hold him while he passed. She did it as a special favour to me . I was allowed 15 mins. I was so so so grateful to be able to go in with him . 

[hidden_kitten]

I’m so sorry Bolt, but it does sound like you’ve made the best decision.

My experience with cats is that the pain/suffering they’re in doesn’t become apparent until it’s really bad, headstrong wee things that they are.

We (my family) had our last two cats ashes put into urns shaped like stones that we put in the garden in their favourite old spots. Mum will even move them in bad weather “I need to get the cats out of the rain” 😄

Glad that you’ll be with her until she sleeps.

 

[Seraphim]

It is true my vet told me they won’t show pain unless it is serious unbearable. They are prey animals and animals that are preyed upon. Therefore they don’t display pain because that makes them an easier target. So really you are doing the kindest thing. 

[boltnrun]

She just peed all over the floor again next to her litter box.  Her litter box is clean.  I just completely changed it a few hours ago and there's nothing in it.  But she's choosing to pee on the floor.  I looked closer and it appears she's been doing this off and on for at least a couple of weeks based on how warped the flooring is in that area.  She's just confused and maybe even afraid.  I put down some trash bags and some toilet paper to soak up the pee and protect the floor because I'm sure she's going to do it again.  It doesn't seem to smell, though.  Just wet and the laminate flooring is warped and discolored.

Jeez, I can't imagine what it's like for an animal to be in pain, having stomach issues and also dealing with pee issues.  It's hard enough for humans when we can at least understand what's going on.

Dreading telling the kids.  

[boltnrun]

I feel like this is all my fault. She seems afraid to use her litter box, probably because the last couple of times I had to clean her up after she made a mess and she really didn't like it. She hid under the bed after. Maybe that's why she's peeing on the floor next to the litter box instead of inside it. She doesn't even seem to want to go in the bathroom where the box is kept. At some point she's going to have to go and I am worried about where she'll end up going. But she needs to go, she can't just hold it forever. I brought her in there and petted her and talked calmly to her and she still ran out.

I know she's not well, she's in pain and her tummy isn't working right. But I still have so much guilt. I fear I will have her put down and then feel guilty for the rest of my life.

I wish the answer was easier. The cat I had before her had to be put down but although it was heartbreaking the decision had to be made because she had a terminal illness.

Just feeling awful.

[boltnrun]

I'm feeling so guilty. Here she is, lying down in the sun having a rest and trusting me, and she has no idea I hired someone to have her put down. And I question myself, afraid I'm only doing this because she's become an inconvenience. 

Then I see her struggling to lie down, walking stiffly on three legs because her other one hurts, not really eating, losing more weight and peeing on the floor next to her litter box and I know she's not well.

I'm having trouble focusing on work and I cannot make mistakes. Didn't sleep well either.

Hate this. I love having pets but this part of it sucks.

[Seraphim]

24 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I'm feeling so guilty. Here she is, lying down in the sun having a rest and trusting me, and she has no idea I hired someone to have her put down. And I question myself, afraid I'm only doing this because she's become an inconvenience. 

Then I see her struggling to lie down, walking stiffly on three legs because her other one hurts, not really eating, losing more weight and peeing on the floor next to her litter box and I know she's not well.

I'm having trouble focusing on work and I cannot make mistakes. Didn't sleep well either.

Hate this. I love having pets but this part of it sucks.

Losing pets sucks so much. I hear you. You are definitely doing the right thing. She is suffering. Just emotionally realize being able to cuddle doesn’t mean she is ok. My husband had to force me into your decision to our boy down. He knew I would fight on till we had no money left and went broke. He forced me to see reason. She us trust you too to do what is best for her end of life and you are doing that . She will go in peace knowing you loved her. 

[boltnrun]

She's pretty much stopped eating her dry food and only ate about half of the wet food I gave her this morning. I wasn't giving her wet food anymore because it gave her the runs, but she's got to eat something. The only food she shows interest in is the gravy treat I give her every afternoon after work. She drinks water but not as much as before. She's still peeing on the floor instead of in her (completely clean) litter box. She's having more trouble jumping off the couch. She kind of slides sideways and lands on all 4 of her feet, but she squirms if I pick her up to try to help her.

It's frightening how quickly she's deteriorated. 

I have today, tonight and then tomorrow daytime to have her with me. Tomorrow late afternoon the vet is coming to put her down. I'm going back and forth between relief that she won't suffer anymore, guilt and grief. And I'm dreading telling my kids. I have to tell them tonight.

[Seraphim]

You are doing completely the right thing. Your cat knows she is done. She does . All animals know. She had a good long life and she was loved and as my vet told me it is better than most cats get. 
 

❤️

[boltnrun]

She stopped eating her dry food completely and isn't even drinking water anymore. Her pee is starting to smell stronger because there's no water in it. I gave her one of her gravy treats and she eagerly ate that but didn't want any water afterward. I'm starting to worry she won't even make it to tomorrow afternoon.

To add to my woes, I have terrible insomnia. Of course I'm anxious about my cat, and not being able to sleep is adding to my depression. And to top it off, there's a homeless woman who's been staying nearby who frequently has screaming fits. About 3:00 this morning she went on a screaming, cursing rant for about an hour. She was right under my window for a while. I guess someone finally called the police because I could hear her from a block away screaming and cursing at someone to get their m-effing hands off of her. I hope she gets the help she needs. But that kept me awake until about 4:00 and I had to get up at 6:15. 

I wonder if I'll feel some degree of relief. It's hard worrying all the time and it's physically and mentally draining to have to clean the floor all the time because she's peeing and getting poop on it. And I check on her throughout the night to make sure she's still alive. 

I think about how she was when she was healthy and active. All the cute things she liked to do. I'm trying to remember her that way.

 

[boltnrun]

And I'm not really eating either. No appetite. I had gained back 20 of the 26 pounds I'd lost due to my anxiety. Don't need to lose it all again.

[boltnrun]

Told the kids tonight. Thankfully they were very understanding and told me I am doing the right thing. No "well why didn't you try this or that?" 

A lot of my anxiety is relieved.

[Seraphim]

You will feel relief. Even though I was incredibly sad I didn’t have to worry about my poor boy anymore. I didn’t have to get mad at my husband for letting the other cats in the room because they were beating on him . I didn’t have to watch his eating and drinking so closely to keep his weight up. Even on blood pressure meds it was driving me back up to where I should have been in a hospital or I was going to have a stroke. So even with extreme sadness there is intense relief that mutual suffering is over .