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How do I change my mindset ( Not as easy as just doing it!)


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Hello everyone,

 

I will try to make this brief. I am a 30-year-old guy from the UK. I have always suffered a certain amount of self-loathing and generally have a negative outlook on life. This has affected me in one form or another throughout life.

 

My self-loathing and general negative outlook has so far cost me two relationships, the most recent three a week ago. I'm gutted!

 

I will give a bit of background but I, ll keep it short ( I know how annoying long posts are!).

 

So basically as a child I never knew my father, His entire side of the family I don't know anything about. I know I have a Father, Uncle, an Aunt and Cousins out there somewhere but they don't want to know me. I have no idea why.

 

The only family I have is my mother and her parents (Grandmother and Grandad)

 

Growing up my Mother met her partner and we moved into his house. He never liked me, never spoke to me and never did/has done anything for me. The funny thing was my mum would always choose him over me and I felt unloved and unwanted. They would go off on holiday all the time and leave me home alone. I have no siblings and so had to entertain myself.

 

Now my first GF and I broke up due to my insecurities, She said she couldn't handle the negativities and we broke up (My fault) I respected that.

 

18 months later I met my second GF of two years. I said to myself that I will be different, a more positive person. For the first 18 months, things were fantastic and I was so happy. Then She started feeling down and depressed. Her dog died, her dad made contact with her after 27 years of her not knowing who he was (Just like me!). She stopped being affectionate and loving. So I went to my old negative ways, You don't love me etc etc. She broke up due to my actions. I know I should have been there for her, but my selfish actions took over. again I respect her decision and won't harass her over it.

 

I don't have an awful lot of Friends. This is partly because when I was at school. I had to be straight home from school, No one was allowed in his house (My mum's partners house) and I wasn't allowed a key. They would often go out leaving me alone, and basically, I couldn't leave the house as I wouldn't be able to get back in, plus my mum didn't let me out anyway.

 

I wanted to join the Army at 16, went off for my interview, passed etc and worked on my fitness. I was put down instantly saying I was stupid, unfit and I can't do it. So I pulled out in the end. When I used to put my mind to something at school, I was again told I was stupid and would amount to nothing. I let this get to me and left school with nothing.

 

I now drive an HGV (It's all I can do with no skills). which isn't the best.I'm alone all day and lack any interaction. It's starting to get me down.

 

is this going to be my life forever? I have dreams about the future, how I am going to end up very lonely and with nobody. At the age of 30, Single with no skills and not a particularly good job, what hope do I have?

 

I know people will say go out and do something, go to college etc but I have such negative thoughts in general that I can't shift. whilst I think this way nothing will ever change

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No its not going to be your life forever and the good news is that at only 30 years old you have plenty of time to turn your life around!

 

Firstly I would see a therapist. You have a lot of issues and childhood trauma to unload. These are the root causes of your problems.

 

If you can afford it go private. It's about 40quid an hour. I had too as I think if you go to the NHS they will put you on a waiting list and it takes a long time to get NHS therapists. HGV drivers make OK money and with no kids etc I'd strive to go private and get stuck in.

 

Aside from that there's no easy answer. Try and maintain some social life even if you only have a few friends. Take up a new hobby. Sign for a local footy team etc.

 

Slowly but surely get yourself out there. Don't look for a new relationship for at least 6 months. That isn't important now. Getting your head right is.

 

Just focus on you for now is all I can say.

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Wow. There are a lot of parallels between your upbringing and mine. I knew my father, but my mother took me and my little sister and left him when I was five because he liked to hit people, particularly my mother. I also have memories of him hitting me and my sister when we would try to get in-between their arguments that would escalate into violence. Once she left him, my biological father took very little interest in his children. He was just generally very ambivalent about us. As a result we ended up growing up in a house with a step father who deeply resented the fact that my sister and I existed.

 

All these type of childhood experiences are very damaging and leave emotional and psychological scars that we carry for life. But, you know what? They are a part of who we are, but they don't have to define us or our lives in a negative way. The choice is ours and the power is in our hands as to how we wish to have these experiences define us.

 

Therapy is the starting point. I did all of my psychological/therapeutic work myself, through deep introspection and self honesty. But it was a long, slow uphill climb to make any progress. It worked for me, but it's definitely the slow and more difficult way to get it done. But the underlying key to making progress was I had to love myself and not allow myself to believe that the things that hurt me were my fault. Not at all. I'm 52 years of age now and to be honest, I just feel like I've gotten to my real genuine self within the past few years. But always knew and had faith in the depth of my soul that the good person who I am was in there, buried under all the pain. I just had to rescue him by reaching down and pulling him out of the hole he was in. As I said it was a long, grueling job that required vast amounts of tenacity, faith, introspection, strength, analysis and most of all, love. That is the underlying and unifying key to all of it.

 

I know you are a good person as well, and I think you know that too. You just need to pull that person out of the hole he's in. Look at yourself and realize you are a good person who is worthy and capable of giving and receiving love. And yes, you are human and you have made mistakes. But you can forgive yourself for those. As the old saying goes, to err is human, to forgive divine.

 

So, as I said, therapy is the way to this self-discovery. But I don't recommend you do it the very difficult and lengthy way that I did. Find a therapist that you have a good rapport with and can trust and feel comfortable with. Then roll up your sleeves and start doing the inner work. The power to make these changes lies 100% inside of you. Do this kind act for yourself. Once you get to the place you want to be you will find many gifts await you. Reach for them.

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As a result we ended up growing up in a house with a step father who deeply resented the fact that my sister and I existed. ( I know EXACTLY ) How that feels. Its an awful feeling knowing he wants your mother, just not you

 

 

But always knew and had faith in the depth of my soul that the good person who I am was in there, buried under all the pain. I just had to rescue him by reaching down and pulling him out of the hole he was in.

 

I know you are a good person as well, and I think you know that too. You just need to pull that person out of the hole he's in. Look at yourself and realize you are a good person who is worthy and capable of giving and receiving love.

 

Find a therapist that you have a good rapport with and can trust and feel comfortable with. Then roll up your sleeves and start doing the inner work. The power to make these changes lies 100% inside of you. D.

 

Thank you so much. I know deep down I'm a good person. I just have so much emotional stuff going on its hard to find the goodness.

 

When I broke up with me EX GF. I honestly feel so bad for not supporting her and not been there for her. I miss her so much. But I have been told a few times, You can't love someone else unless you love yourself first. The issue is I don't love myself and until that is rectified I won't make a good partner for anybody.

 

I have decided to see a therapist via the private route. It's £40 an hour but I think it will help me. I must have been told by 15+ people that I should do therapy as it will help.

 

Thank you for taking the time to reply

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Thank you so much. I know deep down I'm a good person. I just have so much emotional stuff going on its hard to find the goodness.

 

When I broke up with me EX GF. I honestly feel so bad for not supporting her and not been there for her. I miss her so much. But I have been told a few times, You can't love someone else unless you love yourself first. The issue is I don't love myself and until that is rectified I won't make a good partner for anybody.

 

I have decided to see a therapist via the private route. It's £40 an hour but I think it will help me. I must have been told by 15+ people that I should do therapy as it will help.

 

Thank you for taking the time to reply

 

You’re very welcome. That is an excellent decision. It will take time, effort and patience, but love is coming to you. :)

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