We broke up, but we had so much in common

[MissCanuck]

No, there is no point being friends. I agree with you completely on that.

 

I also don't think this relationship really had legs to last. She sounds immature when it comes to love and relationships, given the further information you provided about her. I have to give her credit for ending it respectfully, though.

[Wiseman2]

It odd after engaging this way for 12 weeks that she claims there was "no spark". Were there sexual/intimacy differences? There was enough "spark" to continue for 12 weeks.

 

It sounds like she was trying to be kind about the breakup, so often the "Let's be friends" routine is not sincere so don't worry about that. Unfortunately it sounds like she met or went back to someone.

She 35

 

she also said that I should start dating again when I'm ready and even though she didn't have the spark for me she wanted to make room for another woman

[MaybeThen]

@MissCanuck I'm 32 and she 35

 

Your right she did mention how she was very drawn to the idea especially when it comes to Disney films or even anime such as Sailor Moon when it comes to the concept of love

 

And it affected her ability to get into relationships based on the way the characters were acting in those shows and movies

 

 

Does this not scare you a little? How can you have a successful relationship with someone who bases & compares their reality to fantasy characters? Exaggerated fiction written to play on people's emotions is not where one wants to derive their sense of how things should work from, it isn't a reflection of reality. When I first read your OP, I wondered if the spark she was looking for was based on the anime hobby you said the two of you were into. I was surprised by your ages, because I assumed you two would be around the 19-23 mark. This isn't a judgement, I am older than you and have acted much more foolishly.

 

Yeah was just weirdest thing to go from this highest High taking all that time to write down how she felt about me on that that many cards and saying how connected she felt today's before the break up

 

It just honestly sounds like she is operating in fantasy land. I just recently had to learn this lesson myself, so I empathize with you. Everything feels real, and right, and perfect, and then you realize that people are actors. Not necessarily maliciously, but emotions, and desire, and need, and want.. are tricky things. Sometimes people want to feel, and so they play the part. What I have learned is quick expressions of love that happen very early on feel good, but aren't necessarily a foundation for a relationship that will last. When you have no reason but to believe the other person is sincere in their expression, it feels like magic, like you've found "the one," but there's a host of reasons people may behave that way.

[Overdrive00]

@wiseman There were I can’t go into detail for privacy reason but there were some but I always expressed to her didn’t matter if it was intimacy, the relationship etc

 

No matter what the problem was if you express what was wrong I would try to work with you to fix it within reason of course

Which I did when it came to that and I at least was trying

 

Lol it does trust me she not the 1st but I made sure with her that I’m not forced into 1 Reasons that I stated before that I expressed to her clearly so that there’s no wiggle room

[Overdrive00]

@maybethen trust me I didn’t take your world or anyone’s words as a negative I’m learning so much from everyone’s advice especially because I’ve been feeling so puzzled about why something like this would happen . And it’s making me feel better about the situation and how to move forward without drowning my sorrows

 

But you’re right it was a little strange especially because I thought her being older( again everyone is different regardless of age) that when a problem came up in the relationship we would try to work it out and communicate as best as possible.

I’m still glad we had the talk but I always like to try and work things out before even bringing up the break Up issue especially if communication was as well as I was having it with her

 

Yeah I think she was feeling too much pressure that I was putting on the relationship or how quickly it was moving what she was saying

 

I personally don’t feel like I was pushing too much like celebrating special occasions like Christmas my birthday three month mark

Or even seen a funny YouTube video or item that reminded me of her and sending it to her. I overall never meant to feel like a burden or discouraging her in anyway I just was living in the moment as we all are and felt certain things were the right way to go

 

Relationships can be difficult sometimes and there’s no handbook on how to go through each situation correctly I just didn’t wanna have any regrets with her so everything I did I was being true to myself

[Overdrive00]

@misscanuck you’re so right on so many points thank you again for taking the time to reply you don’t know how much this is helping me to heal from the situation making me feel better about moving on

 

This is just me but when it comes to relationships especially the romantic kind it’s something that women it went South for me could prove to be more detrimental.

 

I have a disability known as ulcerative colitis ( this didn't effect This relationship because she wasn’t questioning my abilities so I really give it to her for her honesty and what time I spent with her )

 

It’s just in past relationships everything will be going smoothly in an elder blue they would say they can’t handle certain things

 

“Thought you be living on your own by now, I can’t be with you a year from now etc

 

And this was ignoring the fact that I do children’s books on the side sell my artwork in shows volunteer my time with nonprofit organizations to name a few

 

So when with someone and I’m committed to them it’s kind of a slap in the face especially if there’s nothing that was brought up in the past about something affecting the relationship in and out of nowhere it just ends and they want to try and be friends

 

So this is really helping me with the process of healing from this very difficult break up

 

Thank you 😁

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. Did she not want intimacy or was it difficult for health reasons? Is it possible she saw you as a friend all along?

I always expressed to her didn’t matter if it was intimacy, the relationship etc

[Cherylyn]

@Cherylyn

 

 

 

 

Live and learn. Take a long break from the dating scene. After you give yourself a chance to heal and recover, when you date again, remain very cautious and go slow. Don't plunge and rush into a relationship real strong. Take it slow and don't rush nor hurry. Being impulsive means you will burnout faster in the relationship. Take your time.

 

Be a good read of people. Judge character above all else. Observe behaviors. If they're dramatic types, flighty, impulsive and unstable, chances are they're the types who will surprise you with a breakup and you will be blindsided. Beware. Observe personalities and characters with greater scrutiny. Haste makes waste. Pay attention to people (women in your case) who are serious about commitment instead of toying with the idea that once they grow bored with you, you are easily disposable at your expense.

 

I agree, once breakup occurs, it's better to breakup permanently and there's no such thing as friendship because there are too many bad memories regarding arguments, pain, tears and breakup. Trying to remain friends afterwards is nothing but uncomfortable, unnatural and awkward. It won't work and bound to fail.

[MissCanuck]

I have a disability known as ulcerative colitis ( this didn't effect This relationship because she wasn’t questioning my abilities so I really give it to her for her honesty and what time I spent with her )

 

Oddly enough, my long-term ex also has UC. I'm very familiar with it and the complications it creates. We lived together for nearly 7 years and I watched him go through relatively good periods and periods where it flared severly and was very hard. It wasn't easy on him, but it didn't affect our relationship to a significant degree. We split for unrelated reasons, and as far as I know, he is now married and has children, so I would venture it hasn't severely affected his subsequent relationship either.

 

I have to be honest that I never heard him - or anyone treating him - refer to it as a disability, though. It affected his life, without question, but he still held down a full-time job, maintained his hobbies as best he could, and so on. Perhaps the language you use to describe it is what puts women on alert before they really know much about the condition. Are you not otherwise working much, or living independently? Is your UC currently being managed by a doctor?

[Wiseman2]

Are you from different cultures or backgrounds? Do you speak the same language as she does? There seems to be communication issues.

 

Is this wording and Disney, anime, etc thing something in your or her culture/language that adults do and think of as dating ideals?

Your right she did mention how she was very drawn to the idea especially when it comes to Disney films or even anime such as Sailor Moon when it comes to the concept of love. And it affected her ability to get into relationships based on the way the characters were acting in those shows and movies

[Overdrive00]

@wiseman she eventually didn’t want to have intimacy because of certain things weren’t working in that area and she became frustrated she enjoyed the time we spent together it’s just she was very frustrated ether being intimacy and things not going right or not having intimacy at all and being frustrated that. I originally thought that she is feeling under the weather but again she didn’t say anything that she was being frustrated by not doing certain things

 

She did say she was starting to see it more as a friend but it’s still weird why you would be as invested into the romantic ends kissing, intimacy etc if you only sign it as a “friendship”

[Overdrive00]

@wiseman no I don’t believe it’s the cultural backgrounds we both speak the same language and come from the same Country. Even both our families liked each other

[Overdrive00]

@cheryln to be honest with you I hate that I have to change my mindset after what I have experience between her and a few other exes

 

I like to give people the benefit of the doubt but after putting my best foot forward and excepting every woman I have dated for who they are and where they were at in their life ( whether they were in AAA overweight dealing with health issues etc.)

 

I’m going to be even more cautious about how far I commit until I see it coming from both sides

 

Again it’s just I’m feeling a little jaded from this whole experience and believing that she was going to be different in terms of actually communicating and committing

 

I’m just gonna take time also because I still feel burnt out

[Overdrive00]

@misscanuck it’s good to hear that to be honest I’ve been to a few support groups for UC but I guess because I had so many bad experiences where I was judged for my condition it was hard for me to see a relationship where it wasn’t just something that was seen as a negative.

 

Currently right now I’m only doing part time work because I need to keep my benefits until I find a full-time stable position mostly because the medications that I need are very expensive and if the job doesn’t have the right insurance it could skyrocket the medication that I need ( it’s kind of been a rock and a hard place trying to find a job that I can do while also being a job that can cover my medical expenses )

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. The best thing to do is get an evaluation from a physician. ED can have many causes and be related to other diseases and medications. It all makes sense now that she was frustrated with the lack of sexuality, intimacy and decided it would be best to be friends.

 

This also explains her kind departure. She doesn't want to hurt you but doesn't want an asexual relationship. You need to address this. It's odd you know exactly why she left and exactly what the issues were, yet won't do anything and perceive this as out of the blue.

 

she eventually didn’t want to have intimacy because of certain things weren’t working in that area and she became frustrated

 

she enjoyed the time we spent together it’s just she was very frustrated ether being intimacy and things not going right or not having intimacy at all and being frustrated that.

[Overdrive00]

@wiseman very true and I have

I did do somethings to improve that area because of some of the medicine I use I can't disclose what for privacy reasons in the past relationships

 

and the reason I felt out of the blue was because we didn't talk about it before that night

 

we only had a conversation the night we broke up

 

I told her in the begining of the relationshipno matter what the issue is I can't even try to address it unless you tell me what wrong not the night of a break up lol

[MissCanuck]

I told her in the begining of the relationshipno matter what the issue is I can't even try to address it unless you tell me what wrong not the night of a break up lol

 

If she didn't address it before, it's because she didn't want to try to resolve things. She wasn't invested enough.

[Overdrive00]

😢 maybe your right it stinks because no relationship can survive if you're not willing to address issues that come up and at least give it a shot in working it out that's why I was suggesting talking to a therapist when she suggested casually dating others during our break up

[Overdrive00]

I guess through this message board as well as having some time to reflect on everything they were just numerous things that have led to a breakup where is I was a little blind cuz of my infatuation with the relationship and in some areas and in others it was a lack of communication

[MissCanuck]

😢 maybe your right it stinks because no relationship can survive if you're not willing to address issues that come up and at least give it a shot in working it out that's why I was suggesting talking to a therapist when she suggested casually dating others during our break up

 

That's a big ask for a relationship that was only 3 months long, though.

 

If you two had been together much longer and there was reasonable investment on both sides, I could see therapy as a more realistic proposition.

[Wiseman2]

You need to get to a doctor for an evaluation and frank discussion about the erectile dysfunction. It could be a symptom of other issues caused by medication or neurological, metabolic or cardiovascular issues.

 

Do not expect women to go without and just want to be Disney friends. Not talking about it simply creates a wall and that is why she gave you the "let's be friends" line.

 

Because you are hoping it isn't noticed? If you do not or can not get it treated you need to be open and honest, not let it be the elephant in the room until they cite it at the time they break up.

I did do somethings to improve that area because of some of the medicine. I felt out of the blue was because we didn't talk about it before that night.we only had a conversation the night we broke up