Painting a smile of lip gloss on my face

[Rainz]

Morning, I',m needing to vent.

It's the weekend and I've been doing NC....I find that the weekends are the hardest time for me. I try to keep myself busy, catch up with friends, keeps myself occupied...and no matter what I can't stop thinking about my ex and the hurt.

At work this week I had to literally get up and leave my desk every hour or two to have a cry in the toilets (which generally isn't like me). It's just the more time goes on and I see he doesn't even care enough to pick up the phone, the more hurt I feel, I wonder how comes it's just so easy for him to just step on and not even blink back this way.

I'm up and dressed ready to go and run some errands, I'm going to go and paint the smile of lip gloss on my face and go out and face the world despite my heart aching inside. It's so hard....After having 2 family bereavements and then this bad break up I just can't takle anymore loss or hurt in my life right now. No matter what I do my heart's just not in it.

I went to a candle party with friends yesterday evening, and for the whole time all I could think about was my ex. I'm really trying the fake it till you make it thing but right now it's a struggle, really is.

[eva1218]

Dear Rainz,

 

Totally....I found it weekend always the hardest...

 

How long u have been doing NC? When did u broke up with him?

 

Eva

[arwen]

Hey Rainz,

 

Of course it isn't like you to go to the toilet to cry... but it's normal under these circumstances. Especially the weekends can be really dark after a break up. I am happy that you went to a party yesterday- I know you feel like a total fake trying to enjoy things- but it's really important you do stuff like this.

 

As long as long as you are not denying the feelings and the hurt- you can't fake healing of course. But it is a way to stick through the hardest part, I think.

 

Buy something nice for yourself, and make sure you have plans for tonight.

 

What makes you think your ex has an easy time? I am sure he doesn't feel too great either. Fact is, the way YOU feel is much more important- try to focus on yourself instead of guessing his feelings and concluding the worst. It will only make you feel more hurt.

 

Take care,

 

Ilse

[Napoleon Bonaparte]

What caused the break up?

[Rainz]

Dear Rainz,

 

Totally....I found it weekend always the hardest...

 

How long u have been doing NC? When did u broke up with him?

 

Eva

 

Hi Eva,

 

Been doing NC for approx 8 weeks now, we broke up end of March beginning of April.

I get so tempted to break NC, then something keeps holding me back.

 

So glad I found enotalone. It's reached the point where I can't be talking to my friends and family over and over about the whole thing. Also when people have moved onto that next phase of their life where they're happy, they "forget" in a sense what it's like to be going through heartache, pain, disappointment etc and don't have the time really to be there for you as they used to be. (In my experience anyway). Not until something goes wrong with their situation then they "remember" again. Right about now, I'm not even giving some people the airtine if I know they don't understand what I'm going through right now.

 

The weekends I find quite hard as my circle of friends has dwindled where I've cut people off. Then there aren't many of my friends now who aren't without partners and/or children. So at the weekends they're busy with their family life. It does get very lonely and if there isn't anything to occupy me I starts the thinking.

 

 

Hi Ilse,

 

Thank-you for your encouraging words. Thank-you for reminding me that it's about ME and how I feel no the ex.

Feeling a bit better already, just knowing that there are people there who understand and are going through/ have gone through the same thing is threapeutic for me I guess.

My friends just tell me it's about time I got over it, not all of them, just 1 or 2 really

[DN]

It is hard when people tell you to get over it - even though they are right really. But, in a sense you don't want to get over it because the feelings you have are the last thing you have of the ex and you know when they are gone the relationship is truly over. And that is scary.

 

But you also know, intellectually, that it is the best way - it's just so hard to do.

 

Try to find an activity on the weekend that not only keeps you busy but makes you think - so you are not thinking of the ex. The more you have to concentrate on something else, the less hard it will be.

[Rainz]

What caused the break up?

 

Hi Napoleon,

 

I can't work out how to link/url a thread/post that I've already made. I started a topic called Why am i going backwards, in there I talk about the cause and what happened at the break up.

 

I'm just getting fed up of myself constantly re-telling the story, it makes me feel like is this all that you can talk about sort of thing? Even though in a way it is all I can talk about.

[DN]

To make a link go to the Address at the top of the page and click on it once to highlight it - then right click - then choose 'copy' on the menu, then click back into the message panel on here - right click and choose 'paste'

[Rainz]

What caused the break up?

 

link removed

[Rainz]

To make a link go to the Address at the top of the page and click on it once to highlight it - then right click - then choose 'copy' on the menu, then click back into the message panel on here - right click and choose 'paste'

 

Thank-you DN

[annie24]

Hey Rainz - I'm sorry! This is really a rough time. But I am so proud of you, you sound like you're doing remarkably well. Hang in there! You know, this may be a good time to take a little vacation or something. If you're 18-35 years old, think about taking a Contiki trip - they're a tour organization for that age range and it's tons of fun! You'll meet plenty of new friends on the trip. link removed

 

It's ok - it will take time, but you'll get there! Take care!

[Mun]

Hi Rainz,

Wow, I went back and read your post from that link.

 

What was it that set this off? Did you have an argument? or did he just stop communicating and things escalated from there? I wondered since you didn't mention any one particular thing happening that caused this.

 

He told you to leave him alone on the phone.. correct? and that was the point of break up according to you? Sorry, I'm just trying to understand this.

 

I am glad for you that you are doing NC.. I think in this case it's the best thing for now.

 

Hang in there girl.

[Rainz]

Hi Rainz,

Wow, I went back and read your post from that link.

 

What was it that set this off? Did you have an argument? or did he just stop communicating and things escalated from there? I wondered since you didn't mention any one particular thing happening that caused this.

 

He told you to leave him alone on the phone.. correct? and that was the point of break up according to you? Sorry, I'm just trying to understand this.

 

I am glad for you that you are doing NC.. I think in this case it's the best thing for now.

 

Hang in there girl.

 

 

Muneca see my very first post about it as follows-:

I'm 33 he's 38, 39 in June, we got together in January, even though we've known each other as acquaintances since I was 19...The relationship was very full on, full on, serious, we discussed our whole future, mariiahe, where to live, kids, pooling our assets together to buy a house, and it was instigated all by him, we called and texted each other morning, afternoon, evening and night, talked of our love all the time, both felt it was fate, especially as we both talked of how much we've been wanting to meet the special someone and having both been "out there" for a while, we went on plenty of romatic dinner dates, always the last ones to leave the restaurant, we bought each other gifts, he'd send me huge flowers, I even brought him home (which I haven't done for years), we both talked of how happy we were....and then overnight he just "switched" went from being my "perfect gentleman" to just being distant and uncommunicative...I got that "nagging feeling" in my stomach that something was wrong. Addressed it with him, nothing's wrong with us it's just all the financial problems that he got right now stressing him, initially I sort of felt re-assured but not fully, then his Grandad fell very ill and he's the closest to him that became a factor, it's like he was there but not there...I tried being supportive and he was ok when we're talking about Grandad but when it came to my concerns about us he just wouldn't want to talk about it. I felt like he was mucking me about, because he'd not follow up on what he's say e.g. I call later at such and such a time and wouldn't which is not like him. Then he'd text instead of call which he knows I hate. I'd call him he wouldn't answer, I'd get angry leave stroppy messagesand basically say its over, he would text me saying he just doesn't want us to row or argue, even my Mum had called him at one stage because it was all so out of character and he then kept up his story about his financial and business issues, his sick Grandad all just taking his that he has to sort all these things out right now....I lost my Grandmother during the time I was with him and even thought I wasn't always receptive to him and us due to the stress of it all but new that I was still there.....It's so boring I can't even be bothered to tell the story, but we have split up, I've never felt so angry and let down in my life, after all the things we talked and discussed, about playing with emotions, past hurts etc...for him to just turn around and so the very thing, at such extremes as well has been very hurtful for me. Like with your ex, mine he just seemed to "switch off" he went from being full on, full on, calling me texting me morning, afternoon, evening and night, seeing me at every opportunity, we'd literally planned our whole life, marriage, children's names, the works and it was instigated by him all the "serioud" stuff...so I understand how you feel. I don't get how someone can just switch off like he did so easily, I just miss him and us so much. But at the same tim I know I have to be strong, it's his loss. He blames me for the split, I blame him. He seems to only see what I've done wrong but not what he's done wrong. Doesn't want to talk about it or anything. Been NC for 2 weeks this Thursday. Distancing started about 2 weeks before that. No-one actually ever told one another face to face that it's over, but I had said it in my angry voicemails and texts.

[Rainz]

Hi Rainz,

Wow, I went back and read your post from that link.

 

What was it that set this off? Did you have an argument? or did he just stop communicating and things escalated from there? I wondered since you didn't mention any one particular thing happening that caused this.

 

He told you to leave him alone on the phone.. correct? and that was the point of break up according to you? Sorry, I'm just trying to understand this.

 

I am glad for you that you are doing NC.. I think in this case it's the best thing for now.

 

Hang in there girl.

 

Muneca, here's a link with another post where I talked about it. Thank-you

link removed

[annie24]

So, basically, you two were together for 4-5 months, and he suddenly turned strange on you? That is strange.... but I guess not unheard of. Well, perhaps he is finally showing his true colors....

[Mun]

Hi Rainz,

I want to tell you that he is a jerk and you didn't deserve this, but truth is he seems like a pretty good guy who was going through a very rough time in his life.

 

I understand your hurt feelings, but you are only looking at your side...at your pain and all the wrong things he did. The mind seems to work that way ... easier to blame the other than to look within. Sweetie, I'm sorry, you have fault here too.

Try putting yourself in his shoes.

 

I don't think he intended to abandon you at all, but maybe just take some time to sort out what was going on in his world and get back to you when he could give you 100%. It seems to me that he tried to reassure you a few times yet as soon as he was gone a day ( or half a day ) you were already losing it.

 

I'm no psychologist, but you mentioned other relationships in your past where similar things happened and I had to wonder if maybe you "expected " this to happen again (being abandoned), and in reacting you sort of caused. He didn't get back to you when he said he would, and you immediately jumped to conclusions. He didn't call Saturday, by Saturday night you were having a fit and by Sunday you were already livid. The next text messages and such were fiery and angry--until you broke it off.

Yes I understand you had not seen him in a week, but it sounds to me like he was already over-extended. Maybe the relationship ( he thought was stable) was not at the top of his list at that time. He had other emergencies to tend to--and still he made time to be with you to ease your feelings when he could. He is not entirely at fault here. You can see that can't you?

 

he says I've overreacted if this is how I am now what would I be like 6 months a year down the line when we have a house and kids[/b] I think he has a valid concern here ( just as you do) about what life would be like when you two are married. Are you going to need him to be with you 24/7 so that you believe when he tells you he loves you and things will be ok? What if something occupies his mind and he forgets to call when he says he would--would you immediately start the hurtful, angry messages blaming him for everything?

 

Do you suppose you need more attention than this man can offer?

 

What could you have done differently so that this had not escalated to where it is now?

 

I think you should use this NC period to also work on some confidence issues. Most of us have insecurities--I know I do--that we need to address in order to have healthier, stable relationships.

[Mun]

I have to add this :

You love this man-- I can see that.

 

Sometimes we don't want to admit that the other has a valid point. We would rather be right. You need to be able to see things from their side so that you can understand why they do the things they do. That's how you resolve conflict, form a true partnership and get closer.

As long as you want to be right and keep blaming--you are pushing the other person away.

[Rainz]

I don't think he intended to abandon you at all, but maybe just take some time to sort out what was going on in his world and get back to you when he could give you 100%. It seems to me that he tried to reassure you a few times yet as soon as he was gone a day ( or half a day ) you were already losing it.

 

I have reflected back and tried to look at things from his side. Even when I was going through the bereavement of my Grandmother, which was a rough time for me. Although I may not have been as receptive to him as I was prior, I had still explained to him that if I'm not myself, or enthusiastic to do things, don't think it's because of you, I'm just so low over what's happened. All he had to do Muneca is say something to that effect, at least then there would have been some reassurance. A guy friend of mine sauid the same thing as you, that he may feel by his initial responses that he was reassuring me, but to me those assurances were just weak. He just literally went from being full on to just not there and just vague.

 

He didn't get back to you when he said he would, and you immediately jumped to conclusions. He didn't call Saturday, by Saturday night you were having a fit and by Sunday you were already livid. The next text messages and such were fiery and angry--until you broke it off.

Yes I understand you had not seen him in a week, but it sounds to me like he was already over-extended.

It doesn't take 2 secs to pick up the phone and check in, no matter what's going on in your life. Yes, he has/had some heavy stuff on his plate that may pre-occupy him but you don't just switch off and stop communicating. Not when you have 2 mobile phones plus the land line.

 

Maybe the relationship ( he thought was stable) was not at the top of his list at that time. He had other emergencies to tend to--and still he made time to be with you to ease your feelings when he could.

That's what one of my married girlfriends said, same point "the liberties that he's taking he seems very relaxed and comfortable in the relationship that he can deal with what's happening in his life right now and put you on the backburner like that"

 

He is not entirely at fault here. You can see that can't you?

Perhaps not, but then at the same time when it was still at a very rectifiable stage he didn't even try to talk about it or discuss it. It really was like I couldn't get through to him. I became so frustrated.

 

he says I've overreacted if this is how I am now what would I be like 6 months a year down the line when we have a house and kids[/b] I think he has a valid concern here ( just as you do) about what life would be like when you two are married. Are you going to need him to be with you 24/7 so that you believe when he tells you he loves you and things will be ok? What if something occupies his mind and he forgets to call when he says he would--would you immediately start the hurtful, angry messages blaming him for everything?

I don't need to be with him 24/7, however that week we had not seen each other all week, though he had booked dinner the Wednesday of that week and I cancelled. Then the Friday we made loose plans to meet that went belly up due to timing, so then he said he'd be ready for me at 7 the next day (the Saturday), if he can't m,ake it, it's fine. Just call and let me know and we can re-schedule for another time. Don't just not call at all, because as I say unless the person is laying down in a hospital bed somewhere not calling to break an arrangment that HE made not me is inexcusable really. Especially as up until that point he had been calling constantly every opportunity he had he would call me no matter what he was doing. Had he not been so full on to start with, it wouldn't have been a problem, it would just be him being kind of sporadic that way and I'd be used to that being his pattern.

It's just about letting me know that he's still there that's all. Doesn't take anything to say I'm still here for you and thinking of you, he's done that before when he's had a busy day or what have you.

 

Do you suppose you need more attention than this man can offer?

Well we don't know if that's the case because he's not going to come out and say.

I am used to men who do give me alot of attention during my relationships, that's just what I've become accustomed to and also it is what I like.

He started out being highly attentive, I did not prompt him to be that way. He often told me that he likes being that way, that it made him feel good to be that way with me, being that he loves romance and sentiment etc just like myself. If you know you can't follow through then don't start that way to begin with. Or at least talk about it, that's the thing about this whole scenario it all could have been resolved in one simple little discussion.

 

What could you have done differently so that this had not escalated to where it is now?

I do look back and think maybe I should have had my concerns had my suspicions and perhaps chilled more and observed the situation as opposed to just reacting. The thing I have found that when you get that gut feeling that something ain't right it usually transpiures that it isn't. There was a point where I was thinking this just all seems to good to be true for how good and well it was all going.

I am though quite highly strung and I have had men hurt me and let down in the past, so when I see a scenario that looks like it's a pre-cursor to something that's about to happen, I have to act on it. In the past when I've gien them the benefit of the doubt etc etc...I've always ended up being more hurt.

 

I think you should use this NC period to also work on some confidence issues. Most of us have insecurities--I know I do--that we need to address in order to have healthier, stable relationships.

[/color]

Well my confidence has been totally knocked by this experience so I am working on it and everything else.

 

Thanks for your perspective Muneca.

[Rainz]

Hi Rainz,

I understand what you are saying, but it looks to me like no matter what assurances he would have given you they would not have been enough. You also have very different styles. You expected him to communicate the way you do : You let him know you were not going to be yourself until things were ok with your Grandma, but he didn't tell you the same things when it was his turn to tend to a loved one. He has his own style, and maybe that style is to deal with things, get them done and then get back to you. It just didn't seem to me like he was going anywhere.

 

Yeah, me and a couple of friends came up with that angle when we were last analysing it.

 

As you say you had planned on meeting Wednesday--so he did want to see you--but you couldn't make it. He wasn't forgetting about you, the timing was just off.

 

Of course he contributed to the problem, when things were going well for him you had his full attention, but as soon as "life" started happening he had to turn his attention elsewhere. You weren't expecting that. You thought he could be "on" all the time--most people can't be on all the time girl. ...Funny, but this is when the relationship is tested--when difficulties come up and you have to work as a couple to resolve them. The honeymoon is over and now it's time to see if you have what it takes to go the distance. Can you work "together" or against each other

He seemed so passionate about the relationship up until that point, that I really thought he would have tried to save the relationship from his standpoint, he knew my concerns and that it was hurting me him being "vague" as he calls it. I was willing to try working through this as it was our first actual glitch and I knew it would have been a test of the relationship as you said.

 

Rainz.. would it have been too hard for you to say " I miss you" rather than start sending angry texts? That would have let him know exactly how you felt without the blaming.

No, not at all, part of me wishes that I had said that instead of sending him stroppy texts. But all I could see was that 7pm is coming around, the time we're supposed to be meeting up and he hadn't even called since midday, then when I call at 7.30 he's being short with me, instead of acknowledging that he was supposed to be ready for me to meet up with at that time. Of course I'm going to be annoyed.

 

If this has happened before, with other men, then there's a pattern here you should look at. I'm not saying your points are not valid, they are, but at times we make our own realities by the way we react to things.

As I said, I am quite highly strung, naturally a bit of a worrier, and just cannot stand to be messed about or mucked about, so in scenarios like that which may be completely innocent or not. I probably have a tendency to lean towards it being a sign that something untoward is about to happen. I guess in a scenario where someone is genuine it may be perceived as me being dramatic or high maintenance like your friend.

 

I just miss him so much now. A part of me thought that he'd come around while im doing NC and that he'd call me up. He hasn't and my heart just aches. Then I think of how prideful and stubborn he can be , that even if he felt to that he wouldn't. Mind you I'm very much that way too.

 

I guess for him that could be part of the reason why his past relationships have not worked out. He's one of those guys where you think he's just got so much going on for him, why isn't he with anyone. Over the years everytime out paths would cross he'd express his interest in me, and I'd always joke with him and say that I can't believe that he hasn't found "the one". When we talked about his relationship history, he never really went into great details, I did notice though that it would always be the woman's fault as to why the relationship failed.