My mom and my girlfriend dislike each other - and it hurts me so much

[abitbroken]

It's not like my mom doesn't approach my girlfriend, but she doesn't approach her as much as the other people in my family do.

 

what do you mean by "approach". I hate hugs except from my guy and the nieces and nephews who are all under the age of 6. otherwise, if you are not on that list, don't "approach me". just talk to me.

 

your gf is a guest in your mother's home and should act graciously, not offput

[maew]

I mean I get where your GF is coming from... I am an introvert and super shy and awkward around new people, especially SO's family. I couldn't imagine how I might feel in a totally other country (although I will get that experience this summer as we are going to visit my SO's mom and sister in Europe)

 

In large groups I am on the quieter side. Many people over the years have judged me and claim I am "intimidating" or "unapproachable" while many others have seen past my quiet demeanor and approached me anyway.

 

It would seem you have a mix of family that is very extroverted and able to see past her quiet exterior, and someone like your mom who might be a little more introverted and find it awkward to be the one initiating conversation with her all the time.

 

I am of the mind that it is up to your GF to make an effort with your mom. It sounds like your mom did make the effort but doesn't really know how to handle someone so shy and introverted. Your GF could step up her game by setting her body language to be more approachable and perhaps striking up conversation about things your mom likes... does she collect things? Does she like certain activities? Does she have pets?

 

They may never be best buddies but over time hopefully the relationship will develop into one that is at least cordial.

[ThatwasThen]

Hi guys, just an update:

 

I have talked to my mom again, after having a change of heart about the whole situation. I have made it clear to her, that I wasn't quite seeing the bigger picture at first, and I also apologized for the first conversation I had with her. I am not saying this in a way of me having changed sides, more as me seeing the bigger picture. As a reference to the title of this thread. It's not true that they dislike each other. My mom doesn't dislike my girlfriend. She is only feeling awkward about her silence behavior... I am in good terms with my mom now.

 

About my girlfriend, we are in good terms and have been for a long time now. But I haven't brought up the talk with her about my mom since. Eventually I might have to, and we will see what happens. But all in all, the situation is a lot better now.

 

I will update this thread...

Well, then nothing has changed really except that you have cleared the air between you and your mother. Let us know what your g/f says next time you want to visit mom and she doesn't want to go... THAT will be an update.

 

It was a given that you and your mother would clear the air... you are blood after all and your mother surely would not want to be on bad terms with you... your g/f on the other hand is where you need to "clear the air."

 

Good luck.

[boltnrun]

I met my nephew's girlfriend recently and I like her because she smiled, made eye contact and participated in the conversation. She didn't butt in or talk over people but she offered commentary and answered questions politely and willingly. (No, I did not interrogate her!) She interacted well with my nephew (didn't talk down to him or correct him) and she was engaging with other people who were present. She did not sit silently and expect the people in the room to cater to her or entertain her.

 

Sitting silently refusing to participate in conversations is impolite.

 

You can tell her your mother does in fact like her and would like the opportunity to get to know her better. See how she reacts.

 

BTW, if you're afraid to bring it up that's a whole other set of issues. You shouldn't be fearful of talking to your girlfriend.

[SherrySher]

You shouldn't be fearful of talking to your girlfriend.

 

That's the vibe I picked up on, and it's not a good thing.

[ThatwasThen]

I don't see that he's "fearful" to talk to her just that he's waiting for the right time, perhaps when he plans his next visit to see his mom and she declines to go with him or some such. To just spring it on her, may not go so well... he needs to have a reason to tell her that she needs to put in more effort and that if she wants to be made to feel more accepted then she has to be more accepting. Just my vibe on it.

[SherrySher]

I mean, I don't know the girlfriend, but it seems like she was the one far more upset than anyone else in this scenario.

 

The Mom seems obliging, but I felt as though OP wasn't keen on bringing up the situation again to the gf because she seems like she's going to get angry again.

[ThatwasThen]

I mean, I don't know the girlfriend, but it seems like she was the one far more upset than anyone else in this scenario.

 

The Mom seems obliging, but I felt as though OP wasn't keen on bringing up the situation again to the gf because she seems like she's going to get angry again.

 

Well, she likely will which is a very good reason to wait to bring it up until he actually has to. If I were him, I would talk to her about it when she balks about going with him to visit mom. She has said she won't go with him again. Now, if he has gone to visit mom since and she refused to go, well then yes, he's afraid to communicate with her because he should have been honest with her when the opportunity presented itself.