Hurt by my ex but hes refusing answers and closure.

[figureitout23]

My ex wasn't abusive, just to be clear. He lied, cheated, hid things from me. He did drugs. He always made sure I felt insecure about him, implying that he might have to look elsewhere because I just wasn't quite doing it for him. But he didn't abuse me or shout or call me names.

 

However, the things he did were bad enough.

 

Interestingly, I never pondered or ruminated about "why". I was aware enough that he did them because liked to and because he wanted to and I was free to walk away. But I HAD to get him to love me. THAT should have been the "why" I explored.

 

And that should be YOUR "why". Not "why did he abuse me?" but "why did I think I loved a man who abused me?"

 

Well said.

 

Referencing your response to my response without quoting it. I hear you and I get what you’re asking, I guess my question to you is are you truly asking and do you truly expect an answer.

 

Think about it, you state you feel shame for what you put your kids through, you recognize the damage done, but you still did it. I’m not saying that to shame you, I promise, I stayed with my child’s father through abuse until she was 7, I am not judging you, I am asking to answer your question. The first time he acted in a way you knew wasn’t right, you did not choose to walk away, you chose dysfunction over your children, not saying you consciously made that choice but for whatever reason, a reason that would probably take some years of therapy to unveil, you chose dysfunction over the emotional and mental wellbeing of your kids.

 

With that being said you love your children, I know that and I don’t even know you, you love your children and yet dysfunction still won...

 

Let that sink in.

 

Right or wrong logical or not it did

 

Ok now.

 

Please tell me how you expect this man to be held to a standard of morality when you couldn’t.

 

The world isn’t black and white and you know that.

 

How could he love me and treat me like that?

 

Because he’s a damaged human, just like you are, it’s what drew you to each other, there’s your logic in the illogical.

 

My ex husband views our marriage as failed because I was controlling and angry. Now mind you he went to jail, I was kicked in the face, choked till I passed out and spat on, but if you sat him down and said why did you marriage end? None of that would come up, I promise you.

 

I am ok with that.

 

Was I always? Of course not! Not by a long shot, but I had to be to heal, I had to forgive him and let go, to give myself my life back, I had to recognize the grey areas as well as my role.

 

That doesn’t make any of what he did ok, it happened, I can’t change it, just like I can’t change the fact that I exposed my child to it for 7 years, all I can do is repair my future. All you can do is move forward, not backwards, I know you say you don’t want him back... you do... your healing isn’t done yet and all these whys, it’s a round about way to keep him, because you can no longer ignore the elephant in the room of being ok with what he did.

 

You’ll get there, healing and moving on isn’t linear or even always logical but you will get there

[Jane78]

My ex wasn't abusive, just to be clear. He lied, cheated, hid things from me. He did drugs. He always made sure I felt insecure about him, implying that he might have to look elsewhere because I just wasn't quite doing it for him. But he didn't abuse me or shout or call me names.

 

However, the things he did were bad enough.

 

Interestingly, I never pondered or ruminated about "why". I was aware enough that he did them because liked to and because he wanted to and I was free to walk away. But I HAD to get him to love me. THAT should have been the "why" I explored.

 

And that should be YOUR "why". Not "why did he abuse me?" but "why did I think I loved a man who abused me?"

 

I understand. I shouldnt of been trying so hard to understand why he would treat me that way and what I could do to fix him.i cant fix him.he treated me that way for his own pleasure. I dont know what he got out of it and that's what I wanted to know but i never will find out. I could tell he enjoyed seeing me weak and watching me cry I suppose I just couldnt understand it.if you love someone you dont treat them that way.

What I see now is your point.i should have asked myself why am I allowing this to happen ? why am i allowing this to go on in my childrens home ? What is wrong with,why cant i end this toxic relationship ? Why am I putting my kids through this I am damaging them ? And honestly since I read your message yesterday I realise this is what I need to concentrate on and this is what I need therapy for.

I need to forget about him and as much as what he done still hurts I need to forget it and move on for mine and my kids sake. The way he treated me is his problem.maybe guilt might eat at him one day when hes willing to accept what he done was wrong or maybe it wont.the way he treated me and the ways he put another woman before his own child is not normal.At the same time i also understand that it's not normal to allow someone to walk all over you and abuse you and it's not acceptable to bring children up in an abusive relationship.

I thought I could help him with the alcohol especially once our son was born.i wouldnt allow drink at home,I wouldn't take the kids to the pub for a meal as I knew with his mates being there it would be about getting drunk,his mates kids birthday parties would not be about the kids having fun it would be about the adults having a drink so we never went. He tells me I was controlling him.in a way I see what he means but in another I thought it was obvious that if you cant control your drinking around your kids you just dont do it.

I also felt the need to want him to love me.maybe that's part of the reason I carried on.i had him constantly compare me to his ex and his friend that he told me he was in love with and wanted more than me and his son.He would always point out how hot (his word always) another woman was knowing it made me feel awful after telling me I was unattractive and fat. I think I needed to feel accepted by him.i dont know why.

What i do know now is I need to concentrate on my own problems so I wont put me or my kids through anything like this again. My kids are worth so much more than that.

Thank you so much for your replies,it has really helped.

[Jane78]

Thank you for your reply you have given me a lot to think about.

I honestly cant say why I allowed him to treat me the ways I did other than you are right,I am damaged and i never meant to put my kids through it .I'm hoping with therapy I can find that answer.

All I ever wanted was for him to admit what he had done. He went around for a long time telling people I was crazy,he still does and Ive hade those people (his friends) laugh at me. I suppose that was where humiliating and belittling me came into it.when we went through the first pregnancy and I was ferling down he told his mum and dad it was because I didnt want the baby. That really hurt when I found out because it wasnt the case. I was low because he told me he didnt want the baby he wanted another woman.it was only last year the truth came out to his mum and she was shocked that he had lied.

He tells me he left because I didnt trust him yet we could sit and talk about the long list of things hes done,cheating on me,putting another woman before me,kissing and cuddling her infront of me,very flirty to the point of asking me to get lost for the night so he could spend time with whoever he was flirting with then try and make out it was a joke,then there was the verbal abuse,sometimes physical yet he wouldnt accept that that was the reason for the lack of trust.

All this said I am understanding that he is damaged.no matter how much I thought I could help fix him I couldnt and cant and didnt. No I'm not fully over him it's only been 9 months and I havent healed,I probably have a long way to go but I do know I dont want him back.he did ask me a few months ago to give it another go and I said no.part of me hoped for a friendship but I'm learning that just isnt possible.instead of concentrating on him and the all the "whys" I need to accept that that is his problem and that's down to him to live with.maybe he will feel guilty eventually or maybe he wont.i need to stop taring myself up over it.its not helping me and it's not helping my kids.

I need to concentrate on why I allowed it to happen,why I allowed this to happen to my kids,why I thought it was acceptable to bring my kids up in this toxic relationship. I need to ask myself why I wanted an abusive mans acceptance and love. Do I not think I'm worth more,do I not think my kids are worth more. I know why children are but for myself I've never been confident,struggled with a mans trust. Maybe this come down to my upbringing but I'm sure with therapy I can get to the bottom of it.

I dont want to concentrate on how I've been hurt,I dont want to feel low every day because I cant understand how another damaged human being works,that's not my problem. My problem is me and I want to fix me not him.

[Jane78]

Yes ,there’s no logic or reason to abuse. You are going to get zero answers from him and he likely doesn’t even know any answers. My mother spent 30 years on and off trying to understand my father’s abuse and his mental illness. Got her nowhere but children with mental health issues due to them being abused and watching her be abused. It got her son into an abusive marriage for 20 years. (thank God my brother is out of that now) Me, I have PTSD for the rest of my life. Not just from my mother being abused or my father but his crazy sick brother.

 

Where is my mom now? Remarried now for 25 years but dying from diseases she never would have had if she left.

 

There. is. NO LOGIC. Forget his azz.

 

I'm sorry to hear that.

It's hard to understand when you come across someone that tells you how much they love you for it all to change and then not understand why they done it. As I'm learning, hes not the only damaged person I am too.i need to try and understand myself and my own actions before I try to understand his although I realise I never will.

I suffered with migraines while I was with him,I'd have at least 2 a month and a few month before he left I was getting chest pains that I was sent to the hospital for x Ray's and another test.the test came back normal so suffered the pains not knowing what it was. I dont know if its coincidence but since he left I dont have those chest pains anymore and my migraines have more than halved. I've now put that down to him and the stress. I do not need that in my life.

I understand I have problems deep down that need working out so I can understand why I would let a man abuse me the way he did and why I would put my children through it. As you've pointed out it can continue through to my kids and that's the last thing in want. My dad was rarely in the picture.he had a new family and didnt make any effort to see me,I also had a step dad that beat my mum to the point of us being rehomed twice through the courts. Maybe my past has a lot to do with me now,I dont know but with therapy I will work that out. One thing for sure is i know i need the help and i know my children do after what they've been put through.i do not want them ever making the same mistake as i have.i dont want them to think it's acceptable to be abused or be an abuser. They need to know there worth.

Thanks for your reply.

[Wiseman2]

Please get to a doctor for a complete evaluation. Ruminating endlessly, chronic guilt and self-loathing are serious symptoms that need to be evaluated. Talk therapy is also imperative as ongoing supportive therapy.

[angrythoughts]

He showed you who he was from day 1, so I’m not sure what made you stick around for so long. I don’t think you’re going to want closure from such an abusive person. He’s told you on multiple occasions that he essentially doesn’t like you and likes the girl he’s been kissing throughout your entire relationship. I think you need to evaluate yourself; your values and self worth before you worry about him answering the question ‘why he’s treated you this way’.

 

People treat you the way you allow them to treat you. You’ve allowed him to cheat in front of your face since day 1 and from then on he knew he could get away with anything (and has). Focus on your mental health and your children. Seek therapy and do not get back with him please. You have paragraphs of information written in your post supporting why you shouldn’t return to him. Don’t be that person. Be SMART!