Jane78 Posted January 4, 2020 Share Posted January 4, 2020 Me and my ex separated 9 months ago after a 9 year relationship. When I met him he liked a drink,he had no children no responsibilities.i had 2 children. The first year was good.He told me how much he liked me,promised to never hurt me. He had a female friend who he was very close too.They always had arms around eachother,kissing,cuddling.i thought it was a bit much but never said anything.who was I to come between friends of that's the way they've always been. A year into the relationship we went away for a weekend where after drinking he told me he was in love with this friend.i told him it was over I couldnt live like that.The next morning he apologised and said he didnt mean it I forgave him. Things went from bad to worse. He became very abusive,constantly called me names coming home drunk (normally the c word) I used to take my 2 children if they were home upstairs and watch a film with them in a closed bedroom to drown out the drunken abuse.The touching,cuddling and kissing his friend became more frequent.He would tell her he loved her infront of me then look at me with a glare in his eyes.she would look at me with a grin on her face.She knew what was going on because I told her and said it was causing problems in our relationship,she let it continue. He would say things like if you and this friend was infront of a train he would have to save her and watch me die.He hit me infront of her and his friends because I spoke to a friend of his that he didnt trust.i was in a room full of people.only 1 person out of about 8 said anything.He put a pillow over my head and sat on it,let his friend film it then played it back after laughing as I was struggling to breathe.ive had holes punched in my doors all because his words "you're not her" all these things happened and each time there was a sorry with tears and i tried to forgive him. I fell pregnant almost 3 years into the relationship.He pinned me against a wall the day of my scan to say he didnt want me and his baby he wanted her and her twin boys. For the whole of the pregnancy i had him putting me down,making me feel worthless,telling me he didnt want me and the baby all he wanted was her.he disappeared most of it for days at a time drinking,wouldnt tell me where he was or who with.i prepared for our baby alone. When the baby came I invited her to see the baby to try and mend the problem.she camecand ignored me in my own home asthough i qasnt there.she made it very uncomfortable. He blamed me for this,said it was my fault she felt uncomfortable.she then called to tell my partner that he was invited to her sons 18th birthday party but i couldnt go. I tried to make him see that she was being awkward.out of respect and loyalty to me and his son he shouldnt go. The day came and he got ready to go he pointed ted at our son and said "I dont want that baby all I want is her and her boys" Again tears an apologies came and I tried to forgive him and move on.He decided to prove he wanted me he would stop seeing her. He did but then punished me for it. He would get drunk and call me names,put me down and bring her up.we just went round and round in circles. He also had an ex girlfriend from 20 years ago (we are 40) He text her and told her I wasnt her bit I'd do.told me she was hot and I was ugly and fat (5ft 6 10st and have 4 kids.im not fat but may have a little meat) He told me himself about these messages.if he hadn't of told me I would never have known.He also tagged her in posts on fb "to the one that got away" didnt understand or maybe just didnt care how humiliated that made me feel when everyone knew he was in a relationship with me. He also cheated on me.Typing this I feel like such a fool. Theres been a lot of abusive,emotional and physical abuse happen I'm not perfect,noone is but I can honestly say I never deserved that treatment.i stayed faithful,never hurt him never put him down.a lot of it would happen mainly while he was drinking.i dont take drink as an excuse as I believe you still know what you are saying and doing at the time. I also helped him change his drinking habits.He started to drink a lot less once I showed him children are our priority not ourselves. His 40th birthday came and this friend who he hadn't seen for a few years just turned up out of the blue.i wasnt there when she did but he told me what happened and said he told her to leave.i said I was disgusted she done that,it was to cause trouble.she could have called or text to ask if it was ok,not just turn up. I said shes gone let's just get in with the night it's your birthday. Well he say crying to his mum and dad all night over her not being in his life. It was from that moment it hit me that he was still in love with her,he denies it but his actions proved it.from that point he knew he was going to leave me to get her back in his life. Since separating I've repeatedly asked him why he treated me the way he did,he wont answer the question. He has told me he resented me for ruining his life.which I think he meant that party life as when he left he got back into the habit of drinking all the time.he also told me he hated me but wont tell me why.Yes I'm happy hes gone,i feel a sense of relief that I'm not sitting with someone who sees me as fat ugly or worthless but all the abuse,verbal,physical,emotional I feel like I'm going crazy. I have not used our children against him.we have set days that he sticks to.he has let them down 4 times so far through alcohol and tried to blame me for it.he knows because of his anger he doesnt have our kids drunk or even hungover.my kids deserve better than to visit their dad who's a hungover mess. Our new dilemma now is he wants us to be friends.i told him if theres any chance he has this friend back in his life I mentally cannot do it.i cant sit with a cuppa and chat to him knowing the person he told me he wanted more than me and his son is back in his life. Am I wrong or over reacting ?? Why would he treat me this way ?? How can I get closure ?? Will I ever get closure ?? I've spent 9 years being belittled,humiliated,disrespected,made to feel worthless,degraded. Was I ever wrong for expecting him to have nothing to do with this friend that he constantly paraded in my face,showering her with love and affection while telling me I was unattractive and making me feel worthless and unwanted ?? I just cant get my head around it all and feel as though I'm going crazy. Link to comment
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