I don't agree with the NC concept

[SeaBisquit]

I know alot of you are full believers in NC, but I have to disagree. I think communication is important in a breakup even if it's not what you want to hear. To me NC cuts off all chances and hope of ever getting back together. How can you possible work things out without communication?

[Agrajag]

I'm just beginning 2-months of NC with my ex. I'm hoping it'll give her a chance to heal. Maybe we'll get back together because of what we realize when we're without each other. Maybe it'll only insure that we'll stay good friends. Sometimes you learn more when you're not with the other person. It's an interesting concept that I don't fully understand myself.

[kskm]

If no one did no contact then everyone will be with peope that they know they shouldn't. I am a firm believer that if you need to get over someone it's the best way.

[Agrajag]

If no one did no contact then everyone will be with peope that they know they shouldn't. I am a firm believer that if you need to get over someone it's the best way.

 

Very true. I also believe that it can make you realize how much you love a person as well.

[Raphael256]

NC isn't to work things out and get back your ex, it's to get over the relationship.

Some people use it to make the ex miss them and get back to them but that's not what NC should be for, and rarely works

[kskm]

Absolutely. It made me realize that I do love my ex... but I wasn't in love with him. So it goes both ways. I guess the hardest part would be if you were the one getting dumped, you'd want to have hopes of getting back together... I haven't been on both sides, I've always been the one to break it off so I don't know how it feels. But I can tell you it is really hard to do something when you know it's best but you don't want to hurt anyone.

[DN]

The whole point about no contact is that it is not meant to be a way of getting your ex back.

 

when a relationship has ended it is always best to assume that it is over and start to heal. You can't do that if you are constantly seeing or talking to the ex - it's too hard. Sometimes, the person who initiated the split will miss the other so much that they want to reconcile but that rarely happens. So you need to get over it as soon as possible.

[SeaBisquit]

hello kskm,

 

I do however believe in NC if you are trying to get over someone when you know there are no chances of ever getting back together. but, if you are trying to get back together I don't see how NC could possibly work.

[pattysky]

Hi,

I am going through a breakup now, and everyone is telling me not to contact him. I agree with them because when I tried to talk to him right after the breakup, he was so angry and wanted nothing to do with me. I think if someone breaks up with you, it means they need time or they just want out. It hurts you more to go back after they push you away. Human nature is just like that for some crazy reason. Also, if you keep trying to contact them for answers that you want to hear, chances are, you will hear the opposite.

The more you chase, the more they run I'm trying to be strong and have NC with my ex. He is the one that left, so I have to keep my pride and not talk to him at all. If he wants me back or wants to be friends, the ball is in his court because this is what HE wanted, not me.

I hope this helps you to understand why NC is important after a breakup. Everyone is different and I guess some people can handle communication better than others. That's why, I'll think twice before getting involved with someone that is moody and sneaky with their emotions and feelings.

[kskm]

No, if you are still wanting to be with the person then NC is not the answer, talking to the other half is. But I think that once the breakup us done you should let it be. It happened for a reason.

[SandyD]

To me NC cuts off all chances and hope of ever getting back together. How can you possible work things out without communication?

 

I think people mostly use NC when one person no longer wishes to pursue a relationship, as in breaking up. If your partner broke up with you, it means they could no longer sustain the relationship, and could no longer (or had no desire) to work out any problems. It´s very different from working things out *before* things reach a critical point. Once that critical point is reached, further communication can be useless and not resolve anything, and actually further aggravate your partner and make them distance themselves even more.

[DN]

No, if you are still wanting to be with the person then NC is not the answer, talking to the other half is.

 

The problem with this is if the other person does not want to talk to you right now you are more likely to drive them away by trying to talk.

 

Only if both people are willing to talk with a view to repairing the relationship should you not go no contact.

[SeaBisquit]

ok, I have a question for those of you who are doing NC, did you start this soon after your breakup? and truthfully has it really helped? because I would have gone insane not calling or communicating.

[blackberry]

NC has helped me considerably actually. When she initially broke it off, I called/emailed/IM'd her more than I probably should have. I kinda regret doing that, because I realized that I was being too dependent. NC helps you find yourself, which is more important than getting back anyway. You would hope that the other person finds themselves too.

 

But don't get me wrong...there's gonna always be that feeling that "something's missing." That, you can't control. Just think and keep telling yourself that you can and will move on. It takes a while and alot to convince yourself that, but it's the only way to go...

[Day_Walker]

NC serves the purpose of physically demonstrating to the person doing it that they arent dependent on another person and they dont need them. Over time these realizations will happen, that is the true intent of NC

 

Limited Contact and Strategic planning is what people do when they want to get back with their ex's. These techniques are based on knowledge of peoples behavior. Here a persons intent is to persuade the other person to get back with them by using their knowledge of human behavior. This is extremely hard to do and takes a high degree of control.

[annie24]

When I was 18, 19, 20, I would stay in contact with my exes in hopes that we would get back together. Guess what: didn't work. I tried to remain "friends" in hopes that they would realize that they're missing out. The result: I sat around pining away for them, while they moved onto some girls with real backbone that they liked better. And I wasted years, while the right guy could have been out there, but I didn't notice him.

 

Now, I do NC from DAY 1. If the bf realizes he's made a mistake, then he comes back. But, they can't realize that they miss you or need you in their lives if you're there all the time.

 

NC is a way of distancing yourself and getting the healing that you need to move on with your life. Later, once things have settled and the air is clear, only then can a couple revist if they'd like to get back together. Chai714 has written some great things about NC. You should try to find some of his posts.

[SandyD]

ok, I have a question for those of you who are doing NC, did you start this soon after your breakup? and truthfully has it really helped? because I would have gone insane not calling or communicating.

 

A guy broke up with me last year and I started doing NC. I was partly hoping he´d cool off and come back, but in case he didn´t, at least I could get a head start on getting over him.

 

Of course, sometimes it´s hard to maintain, and I did send him an e-mail a week later, and made a complete fool out of myself one night after a couple of beers. It´s hard to stay away.

 

In the end, I didn´t get the boy back. He went back to his ex fiancee, turns out I was rebound, or some last fling. So I´m glad I didn´t go psycho on him. It helped me preserve my dignity.

[annie24]

In the end, I didn´t get the boy back. He went back to his ex fiancee, turns out I was rebound, or some last fling. So I´m glad I didn´t go psycho on him. It helped me preserve my dignity.

 

Yes. DIGNITY. That is a good concept. Walking away from a relationship with your head held high. You were alright before the relationship, and you'll be alright afterwards. No one wants to go back to the crying ex. They want the person who is perfectly happy and content.

[blackberry]

You were alright before the relationship, and you'll be alright afterwards

 

this is the ultimate key. you were FINE before them, you made it without them before..and you CAN continue on WITHOUT them.

 

Remember, in the process of wanting to get back together, just don't LOSE YOURSELF.

[SandyD]

Also, when I was doing NC, one thing that really sort of bothered me was the possibility of the other person thinking that maybe I didn´t care anymore. I was scared that they wouldn´t try and get back together because they thought I was over them. That´s why a week later I sent a nice e-mail, very mature, saying what the relationship had meant to me and what I wish I had done differently, hinting that I still had feelings for him, but mostly saying goodbye on good terms. That was my way of letting the other person know I had left a crack in the door if they wanted to come back.

[Agrajag]

Also, when I was doing NC, one thing that really sort of bothered me was the possibility of the other person thinking that maybe I didn´t care anymore. I was scared that they wouldn´t try and get back together because they thought I was over them. That´s why a week later I sent a nice e-mail, very mature, saying what the relationship had meant to me and what I wish I had done differently, hinting that I still had feelings for him, but mostly saying goodbye on good terms. That was my way of letting the other person know I had left a crack in the door if they wanted to come back.

 

Then what?

[RayKay]

I am not a proponent of full NC in EVERY case.

 

Where I do think it is necessary:

 

-One partner is clearly NOT wanting contact with you nor do they want to be with you. Sometimes they will tell you this. Other times they won't, and will give you hope...but then be dating someone else at same time.

 

-You cannot stop begging, pleading, crying everytime you talk to them.

 

-You cannot stop bringing up relationship every time.

 

-They are hurting you directly or indirectly (ie they tell you they are sleeping with others, or are verbally abusive).

 

-The breakup was due to cheating, lying, abuse, and any other numerous malicious behaviours.

 

-Where you are in a relationship that has an repeated on-off pattern. When this happens I just don't think you are right for one another sorry to say...normal, healthy & loving relationships do not follow these patterns. It's time to go NC and start moving on so you can find an ALWAYS ON relationship!

 

-You and your ex are still sleeping with one another, but without commitment, and you are hoping it will bring you back together.

 

 

 

Where I don't think NC is necessary:

 

-Children are involved (limited NC in this case).

 

-Both people have same goals of friendship (note, one does not want to win other one back!) and both demonstrate equal commitment to making that friendship work. That means more than just saying "I hope we can be friends" but actually putting the work involved into it happening - being friends after a breakup is often harder work then it was breaking up sometimes....or then it would be to go NC.

 

-Split was reasonably mutual on both ends and both people really TRULY believe it was for best (rare, but happens).

 

-Where you DO want to "win" partner back but are in a mentally stable enough space to do so and have learned the "how to's" for it wisely. But even this state only usually comes AFTER at least a PERIOD of NC. Daywalker called this Strategic Planning/Limited Contact.

 

 

There are of course some other variations, but these are my general views on it. I must admit that many many people on these boards I see I would say should do NC going by their stories. There are only a slight few that I think are able to do limited contact, or that I would even recommend limited contact. For the most part I believe that better things come out in the end, and if its meant to be it will be - for now you need to heal and focus on you to put you in position to know what you truly want.

 

I will say this..whether I went NC or limited contact in my past breakups, I never went back, they never came back either (though am friends with some), and I have always emerged stronger and in the end saw it was for best. If I never broke up and finalized those relationships, I would never have moved on to find "THE ONE"

[SandyD]

SandyD wrote:

Also, when I was doing NC, one thing that really sort of bothered me was the possibility of the other person thinking that maybe I didn´t care anymore. I was scared that they wouldn´t try and get back together because they thought I was over them. That´s why a week later I sent a nice e-mail, very mature, saying what the relationship had meant to me and what I wish I had done differently, hinting that I still had feelings for him, but mostly saying goodbye on good terms. That was my way of letting the other person know I had left a crack in the door if they wanted to come back.

 

 

Then what?

 

Hey Midknight

Well... he didn´t come back. But it was all for the better, since the guy was a jerk and I think he was using me to get back at his ex fiancee. But it made me feel good about myself that I was able to express myself maturely. In the end, there was nothing I could do to get back together with him. It was up to him. I could´ve cried and begged and pleaded and stalked him, and made a complete fool of myself, and it still wouldn´t have worked. I´m glad I wrote an e-mail instead.

[Nap-Man]

ok, I have a question for those of you who are doing NC, did you start this soon after your breakup? and truthfully has it really helped? because I would have gone insane not calling or communicating.

 

I was in daily contact with my ex for a year after the break up. We had many talks about changes and having a future together. I started to become too emotional/jealous once she went on a few dates with another man so I wrote her a letter (similar to SandyD's) and cut off contact till I heal. Its only been a month but I feel so much better. Don't get me wrong I would spend my life with this woman but I have gained control and perspective that I could not achieve while I was around her all the time. I cut the contact in a loving/gentle way while still being firm that I need to do this for me but I hope to resume or friendship in the future. We were friends for many years before dating so this may make my situation unique.

 

Yes, it drove me insane not to talk to this woman that I have spoken to everyday for the last 5 years. Once a week had passed I started to think that it was much better than being driven insane by loving someone who doesn't know what they want. I kind of realized that just because I love her doesn't mean its meant to be and that I don't want to be back with someone who isn't sure what they want.

 

I don't know if any of this helps at all. I would not trade the year I spend trying to work things out through friendship for the world. It is why I am so comfortable in NC, because I know I gave it my all, put my money where my mouth is and did what I could. This is what makes NC possible for me, I know I did all I could. This is why I haven't slipped up (yet). Sometimes after you have said all you can say, the begging and pleading didn't work, etc....It is best to cut them off, save yourself and let the chips fall where they may.

 

Nap

[h_b_k_02]

Other times they won't, and will give you hope...but then be dating someone else at same time.

 

Yes, here is where I fit in and implemented NC.

 

Problem is, now she contacts my best friend and has spoken to my little brother and mom via emails. She broke up with me and is playing head games, I guess trying to make NC harder for me. I haven't bit though.

 

But ultimately, it is so you would stop begging. This is when you look weak and needy. NC and when contact resumes again (IF), you also want to make sure they aren't seeing anyone or it could re-open past wounds, unless of course you have found a new love.