Held on too long

[boltnrun]

This is affecting your kids? Yeah, definitely time to get out. Not "nearly" breaking up in the hopes he will "realize" and "change".

[Chelsea54]

Bluecastle. Yes. Nearly—means my text breakup was not iron clad, but it was pretty solid. If he can magically become what he promised then I’m paying attention, but I’m pretty sure he will/cannot. It feels sad. It’s a loss of what we said it could/would be. It’s a loss of the love I want to give him and for me to hear him tell me he loves me. It’s not a small easy thing & it hurts a lot. & I’m thinking about how he’s going to be hurt when he reads the text.

I’m trying to get off of the rollercoaster with him. The thing with roller coasters is you have to step completely out at the right moment.

[Chelsea54]

Wiseman. I made calls to get a therapist last week.

[Chelsea54]

boltnrun. My kids are concerned & trying to discuss with me my happiness as a priority vs whatever I think about him. Sounds like something someone here said.

I’d like to remove the situation that is making them concerned about me.

[bluecastle]

Bluecastle. Yes. Nearly—means my text breakup was not iron clad, but it was pretty solid. If he can magically become what he promised then I’m paying attention, but I’m pretty sure he will/cannot. It feels sad. It’s a loss of what we said it could/would be. It’s a loss of the love I want to give him and for me to hear him tell me he loves me. It’s not a small easy thing & it hurts a lot. & I’m thinking about how he’s going to be hurt when he reads the text.

I’m trying to get off of the rollercoaster with him. The thing with roller coasters is you have to step completely out at the right moment.

 

So long as you are open to him magically becoming something else, the rollercoaster will continue. That is what powers it, after all: not him, not any real time you've shared with him, but your choice to allow your imagination to be bigger than your connection to him.

 

I'm glad to hear you've called some therapists, and hope you'll take that path seriously. If what you've wanted for the past two years looks anything like a conventional relationship—spending time with a person, building a life with a person—then the hard fact is that this has never been close to that. Wishing it were, and trying to will those wishes into reality, will only ensure that those wants remain as abstract and theoretical as this relationship.

[bluecastle]

Is this the same man? https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=549847

[Chelsea54]

Yes

It’s painful to look at that & magnify that I, and this situation basically never changed.

[maew]

It seems I’m easily addicted to the euphoria of believing how awesome things could be. It definitely is an escape.

 

Chelsea I love this... I have another Chelsea in my life that has the same addiction, only hers is chasing unavailable and toxic women in real life.

 

At the end of the day literally everyone does this at some point... chases a fantasy and "potential" ... the learning comes when you are able to recognize that this is where you are and ground yourself in reality again.

 

Because the reality is that this guy has made no effort to follow through, has stood you up during important moments, and hasn't been present and accounted for when it matters.

[bluecastle]

I have feelings for this man, some based on who he really is and probably the majority based on what I imagine about him.

 

But worth looking at, I think, in that you can see how fast we build a foundation with someone—a foundation you articulated 1.5 years ago. I highlight those words not to be a buzzkill, but to point out how little this really has to do with him, who he is, and where he comes up short, than how your own imagination works to build the rollercoaster and keep it operating.

 

Why's that relevant now? Well, it just goes to show that he really doesn't need to offer you very much—or anything, really—in order for you to stay invested, to keep writing a story in your mind since, together, you really haven't co-authored a story over two years. That's kind of the danger to this loop. You're pretty conditioned—self-conditioned, by and large—to be satisfied with very, very little from him. In other words, he doesn't really need to magically become anyone in response your last text, since who he is, and has been the whole time, has been enough.

 

Can you choose, now, to decide that's not enough? That you're ready for something more, something real?