Elusive 2nd Date

I went on a date a few months ago with a wonderful man. We had a fantastic time;great attraction. Everything and what we said indicated we would be doing this again. It took about 6 failed attempts to get to that date. You name it for the reasons— all of which were legit. Next, we’ve had at least 8 failed attempts to get together for the 2nd time. Perhaps 2 of those were set plans but even those were with a contingency of work or family not being priority.

So, two failed (not solid set) plans ago—I finally gave up to a higher degree and joined a dating site. The next day we had a long conversation and yes he does want to be dating me. Life keeps getting in the way.

The last time our plans failed I told him that we cannot be considered as dating, because it’s not happening. Also that I will not be calling or texting. I want to but I can’t because this is hurting me. I will be happy to hear from him & respond. I took his silence to indicate that he was hurt. Something else he said showed me that he understands why this is hurting me even with his good intensions & that me saying we’re not dating struck his emotions. Well, I’ve mostly kept to not initiating contact. I had basically left it to him to make a simple date that he can make.

I have feelings for this man, some based on who he really is and probably the majority based on what I imagine about him. I’m pretty sure my motivation for hanging in there waiting for him is that we’ve both said we feel like a relationship together has a lot of potential (lol- if we can get together), and I want to see him to see if the in-person chemistry is still there.

To ward off certain conversation— he is not married. He does not have time or energy to be multi dating. This would be considered a LDR, but with a possible future easier schedule for both of us and a lot of effort we could be meeting up 1-2 times a week. I have opened the conversation several times to asking him to express that he’s not interested in the effort this is going to take to which he has never indicated anything except wanting to and trying to get together.

So. Last weekend I went on a date from the dating site. It was fine. But just no attraction and to compound it Mr1date is who I want. He’s the only one I want.

There are a few others I’m messaging with from the site, but it seems most men are not quick to go on a simple coffee or drinks date. Being on the site and weeding through feels like work. So far, no one to get excited about.

Should I tell Mr1date that I’m on a new dating site? My sense is that he also has feelings for me. And a couple months ago I had indicated that I wasn’t dating anyone else and he said he was off of the dating site where he and I met. If I tell him, perhaps it will motivate him to create a set 2nd date. Or, should I just keep this information to myself?

Don’t try to make him jealous by telling him about the dating site. What you should do is not contact him, not answer his texts or calls, (you don’t owe this guy anything), then he’ll wonder where you are, why you are not answering, and hopefully finally he’ll ask you out. But as long as you keep answering his texts/calls, he knows you are lingering and he can keep you hanging on until he is ready to date you, or ready to hang up his hat, or until he meets someone else that life doesn’t get in the way for. Sorry to be harsh.

You can’t motivate him into dating you by trying to manipulate his emotions. I mean you could try but it will very likely back fire.

Instead, try being honest with him...let him know you are moving on because you want a relationship with someone that has time to date. He will either step up to the plate or let you go.... and if he lets you go you know he wasn’t that interested to begin with.

I dated a guy last year that said he liked me, cared for me, etc but rarely did he actually make time to see me. As much as his words were pretty and sweet, his actions didn’t match up and actions speak louder than words.

Sounds like was highly charismatic and you got quite smitten with him, but...his words and his actions don't match. It's tempting to make excuses when you are into someone, but harsh reality is that if he wanted to see you, he'd make it happen and that's that.

If you only had one real date, how can you have "feelings" for him. you did the right thing in not hanging around for a guy who always cancels plans. Even busy people can at least get a quick coffee with someone. But if its LDR - he really is too far away to date you.

Should I tell Mr1date that I’m on a new dating site? My sense is that he also has feelings for me. And a couple months ago I had indicated that I wasn’t dating anyone else and he said he was off of the dating site where he and I met. If I tell him, perhaps it will motivate him to create a set 2nd date. Or, should I just keep this information to myself?

No. don't contact him.

If you only had one real date, how can you have "feelings" for him. you did the right thing in not hanging around for a guy who always cancels plans. Even busy people can at least get a quick coffee with someone. But if its LDR - he really is too far away to date you.

I think we both had feelings for each other even before the first date due to over a month of texting and phone calls. And, now that we’ve both been hanging in here all this time trying to reconnect it creates more feelings. But-for me this is becoming unbearable to be distracting myself for months trying to unsuccessfully avoid thinking too much about him. I need him to do the job of making it work.

It being LDR I brought up before we ever met a few times, but he insisted that the drive to me wasn’t an issue in his book.

I do think that at some point-hopefully soon-he will work it out and we’ll meet again. I will be looking at him differently though, knowing for a fact that certain factors can make us not together for extended periods. If I knew that ahead of time, I would’ve not taken him seriously or let myself get too attached.

It being LDR I brought up before we ever met a few times, but he insisted that the drive to me wasn’t an issue in his book.

So now do you see that it very much is an issue?

 

I went on a date a few months ago with a wonderful man. We had a fantastic time;great attraction. Everything and what we said indicated we would be doing this again. It took about 6 failed attempts to get to that date. You name it for the reasons— all of which were legit. Next, we’ve had at least 8 failed attempts to get together for the 2nd time. Perhaps 2 of those were set plans but even those were with a contingency of work or family not being priority.

 

So, two failed (not solid set) plans ago—I finally gave up to a higher degree and joined a dating site. The next day we had a long conversation and yes he does want to be dating me. Life keeps getting in the way.

I'm sorry hun and excuse my beautiful French, but that is bullshyt.

Six failed attempts to make it to the first date and eight to get to the second? And how do you know they were all legit excuses?

Life keeps getting in the way?

Either he's commitment/relationship-phobe, or just not all that interested (or both), cause when a man is interested (a woman too for that matter) they don't break or not follow-through on six dates (confirmed or not) and then eight dates before actually getting together.

Did the second date ever even happen?

No matter how busy one is, they make time, when they're interested.

He's got "issues" and if this were me, I would wish him well and say goodbye cause this (whatever it is) is one long road to never-never land.

So now do you see that it very much is an issue?

Yes—-1) as I was listening to his words and feelings more than I was listening to my own intuition.

2) yes. If we lived nearby each other we would’ve been getting together multiple times per week even if just briefly.

And how do you know they were all legit excuses?

Did the second date ever even happen?

No matter how busy one is, they make time, when they're interested.

He's got "issues" and if this were me, I would wish him well and say goodbye cause this (whatever it is) is one long road to never-never land.

I am just going to trust my intuition that the reasons were legit. Of course I have been reasonably suspicious, but I’ve asked enough questions and as per his answers nothing is shady. So for the sake of taking it out of discussion, I’d prefer to assume that there have been no lies.

-2nd date hasn’t happened, but continues to be discussed; hence the crazy making.

He himself, said that he would make the time for us happen even though it would be difficult.

—And now, I am recalling again, that the reason he said that was I was saying we probably couldn’t date because he was too busy. Again, I wasn’t listening to my own intuition.

I am just going to trust my intuition that the reasons were legit. Of course I have been reasonably suspicious, but I’ve asked enough questions and as per his answers nothing is shady. So for the sake of taking it out of discussion, I’d prefer to assume that there have been no lies.

-2nd date hasn’t happened, but continues to be discussed; hence the crazy making.

He himself, said that he would make the time for us happen even though it would be difficult.

—And now, I am recalling again, that the reason he said that was I was saying we probably couldn’t date because he was too busy. Again, I wasn’t listening to my own intuition.

Stay away from crazy-making!

My goodness, you're experiencing this and you haven't even had your second date yet?? Come on girl, no disrespect, but what the h*** are you thinking! lol :)

"Commitment-phobes" are **notorious** for seeking out women long distance, how did you meet him anyway? Another dating site? Social media?

Are you at all familiar with this strange and confusing phenomena (CP) that has become almost an epidemic in our society today?

If not, google it, and read "Men Who Can't Love" or "He's Scared, She's Scared" - you may even have issues yourself, otherwise who would tolerate this, it's nuts!

His actions are classic case (worst case), he can't even manage to make it to a second date for cripes sake!

And again, when one is interested in dating another, there is no such thing as "too busy" or "life getting in the way."

And any man who tells you that is 100% full of you know what.

He's "scared" of something, who the hell knows what - his "feelings", maybe his own shadow lol, if you were smart, as I said you would wish him well and walk away.

Which begs the question, why haven't you?

Surely he isn't your only option, is he? What the draw?

I'm sorry this comes off harsh, but I would suggest you get off this idealistic merry-go-round you're on and start dealing in **reality.**

You have had ONE date that took six attempts to get to, no second date just a bunch of "talk."

Whatever illusions you have about him are of your own creation.

Best of luck.

Have you two been texting and conversating extensively between failed dates?

Have you two been texting and conversating extensively between failed dates?

Yes. Hence emotional connection.

Stay away from crazy-making!

 

My goodness, you're experiencing this and you haven't even had your second date yet?? Come on girl, no disrespect, but what the h*** are you thinking! lol :)

 

"Commitment-phobes" are **notorious** for seeking out women long distance, how did you meet him anyway? Another dating site? Social media?

 

Are you at all familiar with this strange and confusing phenomena (CP) that has become almost an epidemic in our society today?

 

If not, google it, and read "Men Who Can't Love" or "He's Scared, She's Scared" - you may even have issues yourself, otherwise who would tolerate this, it's nuts!

 

His actions are classic case (worst case), he can't even manage to make it to a second date for cripes sake!

 

And again, when one is interested in dating another, there is no such thing as "too busy" or "life getting in the way."

 

And any man who tells you that is 100% full of you know what.

 

He's "scared" of something, who the hell knows what - his "feelings", maybe his own shadow lol, if you were smart, as I said you would wish him well and walk away.

 

Which begs the question, why haven't you?

 

Surely he isn't your only option, is he? What the draw?

 

I'm sorry this comes off harsh, but I would suggest you get off this idealistic merry-go-round you're on and start dealing in **reality.**

 

You have had ONE date that took six attempts to get to, no second date just a bunch of "talk."

 

Whatever illusions you have about him are of your own creation.

 

Best of luck.

Not the only man—therefore dating website. But otherwise, no, I don’t meet men outside of work.

I’ve come to realize that I have feelings for a man that I need more information about.

I’ll look up the other things you mentioned.

Yes. Hence emotional connection.

I actually understand that, and if you're okay with being "pen pals" or texting buds, or whatever folks are calling it, then carry on. Not gonna judge you for that, done it myself.

Just don't have any expectations of having anything even remotely resembling a real-live, in-person RL, judging from his actions thus far, not gonna happen.

But have fun texting, emailing! I'm serious that can be fun too, it has its place.

I actually understand that, and if you're okay with being "pen pals" or texting buds, or whatever folks are calling it, then carry on. Not gonna judge you for that, done it myself.

 

Just don't have any expectations of having anything even remotely resembling a real-live, in-person RL, judging from his actions thus far, not gonna happen.

 

But have fun texting, emailing! I'm serious that can be fun too, it has its place.

That's actually where I was going with my question.

If you want to connect via texting, even though he is putting no effort into actually dating you even though you have expressed a strong desire, it is your prerogative, but you're setting yourself up to potentially be hurt. You want something he doesn't seem to be willing to give. Make all the excuses you want, at the end of the day, he has time to emotionally connect with you via electronic means. He has time to be in the same room as you.

It's all about effort, as jman say you can text while taking a dump, it takes little to no effort. If his words matched his actions no harm no foul, but his words don't match his actions.

Chelsea, I also think it would be wise to explore your own motivations for being okay with this situation for as long as you have..

And since you're still actively participating, you *are* okay with it.

Again, not gonna judge, been there myself.

There was a time that type of "interaction" suited me just fine! And it's only recently that I've even admitted this to myself.

It served a purpose and I learned a lot from it actually!

I am only suggesting that you be "real" about it and not have any false illusions, which are easy to create, when all you're doing is texting/emailing/face-timing, and not spending time together in person.

His actions speak volumes here, pay attention to "that" and after acknowledged the "reality" of the situation, you are still okay with it, then carry on and have fun!

I did! It's what drew me in at the time and it served its purpose.

 

And since you're still actively participating, you *are* okay with it.

 

I am only suggesting that you be "real" about it and not have any false illusions, which are easy to create, when all you're doing is texting/emailing/face-timing, and not spending time together in person.

 

His actions speak volumes here, pay attention to "that" and after acknowledged the "reality" of the situation, you are still okay with it, then carry on and have fun!.

Was going to say exactly this… if you are OK with doing most of your relationship over text and phone, and with rarely seeing each other, and with having him cancel because of life circumstances on a regular basis then just own it! No one here is going to judge you, lots of us have been there.

If this is truly what you want, then accept the situation for what it is... don’t push for more, and just enjoy what you have. If this isn’t the kind of relationship that you want then accept that, listen to your heart, and let him go. Trying to get him to change who he is or what he wants just to make you happy will end up making you both miserable in the end.

What is considered long distance and does that influence the difficulty in arranging a second date? Unfortunately if he hasn't been motivated on his own to go on another date, it's doubtful your attempt at making him jealous or take notice will probably backfire.

I went on a date a few months ago with a wonderful man. If I tell him, perhaps it will motivate him to create a set 2nd date.

I totally understand what you're going through, at least as far as attachment. The first three months are pretty great but it's the honeymoon phase, and it's easy to feel "in love," and things are going so well, but everyone is on their best behavior and the "real you" hasn't even emerged yet, so you haven't really had the time to realize this guy isn't for you after all...and of course the idea that if things continue to go well, you'd actually see more of each other, distance permitting. Basically you're still living in the rainbow fizz of first dates, which makes the situation more difficult to let go of.

Even if you lived closer, this level of busy would have you pondering if you wanted to continue, particularly if there seems to be no end in site. I am still in the warm fuzzy feelings for a guy. I felt his busy schedule was totally legit, and I pondered how long I would have to deal with this before being incorporated more into his life...and it fizzled out at about two months (we saw each other at least once a week), and because of that I maintain those hearts and roses feelings for him, and that's what makes it so hard in being split up.

I also have (had) a couple men that pop up here and there, and I gave up a long time ago that there was going to be any relationship, but I'm happy with the "drive bys" at this time since I'm not involved with anyone else. We don't even talk much in between, so there's not that let down of either not hearing from him or the disappointment that occurs when I do...if I was still hopeful of a relationship and there's nothing happening. It is what it is and I enjoy their company.

I have also had a couple of perpetual texters, and at some point hearing from them hurt more than not because I knew no date was forthcoming. The interest clearly wasn't there. I had one drop off the planet for two months, then contact me. After occasional texting and no date for months, and a couple failed plans where he disappeared just prior to the date, I broke it off. I just couldn't do it, especially after prioritizing him to be left at home when I could have done something else or planned my day differently.

In any case, I think that you need to detach yourself and realize this is going nowhere. If you're okay with pen pals and the fantasy and idea of dating, maybe, some day, then just enjoy it for what it is, but you have to work on detaching. If you're okay with a date every few weeks or months, don't expect more than an enjoyable evening.

I agree with what everyone is saying, and it's really up to you to decide what your comfort zone is as far as this guy. Maybe he'll pan out, maybe not. Just be careful about getting so attached and sucked into empty promises. You need to be realistic here, as his interest or ability to commit are lacking. Enjoy the ride for what it is or end it.

No, I would not bring up the fact that you are dating or actively seeking. It would serve no purpose. I understand transparency, and if he asks, you can let him know you have gone out on a couple dates that haven't worked out (or lie and say no since nothing has worked out), but I wouldn't bring it up or try to use this as bait...it won't work. If he's still on the site, he might have seen you anyway.

What is considered long distance and does that influence the difficulty in arranging a second date? Unfortunately if he hasn't been motivated on his own to go on another date, it's doubtful your attempt at making him jealous or take notice will probably backfire.

LDR in this R is 1 to 1.5 hour drive between homes. We could meet in another town 1/2 way each however. It’s only recently that I brought meeting halfway into our conversations that a date could be brief for just dinner perhaps. Before that the idea has been another 6-8 hour evening—which is what we both really prefer. So, technically it would be a second date, but feelings wise we are much beyond that.

I’m not going to tell him about the dating site unless he asks me. I’ve been hurtful enough in telling him we’re not considered as dating any more until we get together again and that I’m not initiating contact. Actually, just thinking of this is upsetting to me.

Agree. It's only been one date in several months and his interest level is very low. Best to stop the chitchat with this guy and pursue local men on the dating site who are more interested and you can get to know In Person by seeing each other on a regular basis.