My son is in love with a woman 20 years his senior

[missusAshley]

I'm going to guess they didn't do much talking the first go round.

 

A 17 year old former coworker started secretly dating the 33 year old wife of another coworker years ago. The relationship was a mess and fraught with conflict including her abortion and suicide attempt.

 

Today they are happily married (about 18 years so far). They never had children.

 

I know you want your son to be happy so I'm sure you're not hoping for a miserable marriage and a contentious, emotionally wrenching divorce for him.

 

I'm sure this is difficult for you. I hope for the best for your family.

 

I want my son to be with the best woman for him and to be deliriously happy. He assures me he is both. Thank you for your reply. I appreciate the story with a happy ending as well.

[Batya33]

@Batya33 My son started his own company at 12. He was making 3K pounds a month at the time he met this woman. I didn't want him to get emancipated at an early age. It has nothing to do with me not wanting to cross him. Your son is ten and I hope once he starts puberty and adolescence you have it much less turbulent than we have had it, but my son at 12 was bigger and taller than most men ever are and he was sexually mature. With all do respect if you've never tried to parent a sexually mature 12-year-old than you cannot possibly imagine the challenges that parents of such kids go through. Regarding the woman, she didn't know he was 13 and once she realised he was a child she left him. I did not feel it was moral to try and put her in prison for something she didn't do. She didn't realise he was a child and she wasn't the first adult convinced by my son that he is 21/22.

 

Your story doesn't make a lot of sense to me - I mean factually - and that plus your defensiveness means I have nothing more to contribute- once you required people to state their age it now becomes clear to me that you insist that unless someone was in your exact situation they cannot give an opinion -so why ask in the first place? you wrote "What should I do? Please state your age, I'd want to have some idea of the age of the people who are giving their input." - So you asked and I gave my opinion and complied with your request to provide my age. FWIW I don't think it matters a bit what he physically looked like at 12 or whether he started his own company or whether he lied. If only someone in your particular situation -in your opinion - can provide an opinion why ask for just our ages -how about 'please only respond if you parented a boy who was sexually mature and big for his age and started his own company and lied about his age".

 

I didn't suggest putting her in prison -I suggested notifying the authorities if your son would not cut things off or could not cut things off.

 

Best of luck with your adult son and his adult fiancee from here forward. I don't believe you wanted to know what you should do. You wanted validation and reassurance for your parenting decisions back then.

[mustlovedogs]

I get your timeline. I’m clear on that. It changes my point 0%.

[Batya33]

How did they even meet?

 

Him being sexually mature doesn’t make the relationship right. And frankly, it’s insane that you didn’t know about it or allowed it to continue if you did know...

 

You had your chance 8 years ago. Now it’s done. He makes his own choices.

 

I agree with you.

[missusAshley]

I get your timeline. I’m clear on that. It changes my point 0%.

 

You don't seem to get the timeline. Otherwise, you wouldn't ask me how I could let my adult son date someone.

[missusAshley]

Your story doesn't make a lot of sense to me - I mean factually - and that plus your defensiveness means I have nothing more to contribute- once you required people to state their age it now becomes clear to me that you insist that unless someone was in your exact situation they cannot give an opinion -so why ask in the first place? you wrote "What should I do? Please state your age, I'd want to have some idea of the age of the people who are giving their input." - So you asked and I gave my opinion and complied with your request to provide my age. FWIW I don't think it matters a bit what he physically looked like at 12 or whether he started his own company or whether he lied. If only someone in your particular situation -in your opinion - can provide an opinion why ask for just our ages -how about 'please only respond if you parented a boy who was sexually mature and big for his age and started his own company and lied about his age".

 

I didn't suggest putting her in prison -I suggested notifying the authorities if your son would not cut things off or could not cut things off.

 

Best of luck with your adult son and his adult fiancee from here forward. I don't believe you wanted to know what you should do. You wanted validation and reassurance for your parenting decisions back then.

 

You lost me at accusing me of making everything up. Our interaction is therefore over.

[Batya33]

You lost me at accusing me of making everything up. Our interaction is therefore over.

 

Oh I wasn't accusing you at all of making things up. I was making a separate point that your story doesn't make a whole lot of sense as to why you made the choices you did with your son when he was a child. But my interaction with you was already over as stated because what I do think is that you think you wanted input but from your reaction to me and others I don't believe you do want input. So we're on the same page - I'm not interested in giving input to someone who insists that the person have gone through the exact same detailed experiences after writing in an open ended way at first "so what should I do?"

[missusAshley]

Oh I wasn't accusing you at all of making things up. I was making a separate point that your story doesn't make a whole lot of sense as to why you made the choices you did with your son when he was a child. But my interaction with you was already over as stated because what I do think is that you think you wanted input but from your reaction to me and others I don't believe you do want input. So we're on the same page - I'm not interested in giving input to someone who insists that the person have gone through the exact same detailed experiences after writing in an open ended way at first "so what should I do?"

 

I feel like we keep misunderstanding each other. There was nothing to report to the authorities. The woman broke it off and he didn't have to. Thank you for your input I do appreciate it. I do agree that our kid's safty and well-being is more important than them liking us, it's just that "because I said so" doesn't work on teenagers. Not even regular 13 year olds and expecially not those going on 17 (or 25). I honestly hope your son and you have smooth sailing through his adolescence, but I doubt it. I'm sorry we got off to a wrong foot.

[Batya33]

I feel like we keep misunderstanding each other. There was nothing to report to the authorities. The woman broke it off and he didn't have to. Thank you for your input I do appreciate it. I do agree that our kid's safty and well-being is more important than them liking us, it's just that "because I said so" doesn't work on teenagers. Not even regular 13 year olds and expecially not those going on 17 (or 25). I honestly hope your son and you have smooth sailing through his adolescence, but I doubt it. I'm sorry we got off to a wrong foot.

 

Thanks for your apology and I'm sorry for any miscommunication too. I think she was behaving inappropriately to your son and you could have reported her to some sort of child protection authority. Once you knew you could have told her his real age and if she didn't stop then you could have reported her behavior.

 

Of course I said so doesn't work. Not at all what I was suggesting.

[SherrySher]

I'm sorry, OP, but I agree with the other posters. You had your chance to end this and to charge her.

She knew he was under age, I absolutely refuse to believe otherwise.

There is no way a 30 something woman wouldn't know she was having sex with a 13 year old.

 

You were more worried about him not liking you then protecting him from this sick woman.

You cannot stop it now and you can't do anything about it now.

 

They are both adults and it is no longer not your business. When he was a minor, it was 100% your business, but it no longer is.

[maew]

Not to minimize your concern in this, but he could have just as easily married a woman his age and it ends up being a toxic, hot mess.

 

I have two sons. I can put myself in your place. I get it.

 

It's about letting go of our own dreams and expectations and honoring their journey.

 

When they become adults we have to trust we've done our job well. He's chosen his path. It's our job to adjust and embrace it.

 

I imagine it must be similar to conservative parents who's children choose a sexual orientation that didn't fit their ideal vision. They still support them, love them and embrace their choices anyway.

 

This is the best comment here.... it recognizes that children are human beings with free will, not puppets on a string.

 

I have a perspective that may help... if not, just take what you want and leave the rest as the saying goes.

 

When I was 16, I had a job at a restaurant as a dishwasher. There was a chef working in the restaurant that was probably 10 years older than me that I had a huge crush on. Within a few weeks, we were sleeping together. I have no idea if he knew how old I really was, no idea if he had a girlfriend, etc. etc. etc... just that I felt all of this chemistry and wanted to act on it with him. My next relationship after that (maybe a year later) was with someone 11 years older than me. Not my proudest moments in life but there you go.

 

I ended up in a serious relationship with my daughters bio dad... he was 16 years older than me. (I was 18, he was 36). There was something about me that absolutely loved the idea of being friends with and being in relationships with people that were at least a decade older than me... in large part because I felt like I couldn't relate to anyone my age and had no interest in doing the things they were doing.

 

I will caveat all this by saying a few things... my parents were and are absolutely lovely people; hard working, took great care of us, strong principles, etc. My daughter's bio dad was also a really good man... as was his family. My parents liked my ex, and his parents absolutely adore me to this day we still have a great relationship.

 

I also have a 27 year old daughter OP that is very strong willed and bright, much like your son... she has always been very independent and done what she wanted to do no matter what I thought about it. Sometimes all we can do is do our best to teach and coach and support and then we have to let them go be who they need to be.

 

I mean yea it's pretty gross that she slept with your 13 year old son... and surprising that she didn't realize he was so young mentally, which makes me think your son must be very mature for his age while she must also be immature for hers... what I notice is that you do caveat everything by saying she didn't continue sleeping with him once she realized how old she was which shows at least a glimmer of integrity.

 

If my daughter were sleeping with a 41 year old man when she was 21... yea I would probably want to hunt him down and do terrible things to him while locking her in her room. Would that change anything? Absolutely not... would just completely destroy trust and our relationship, and would solidify the idea even more in her head as a way of rebelling against me.

 

Be there for him and support him, keep the door open in case anything happens... he will need to figure this out for himself though.

[SherrySher]

There was nothing to report to the authorities. The woman broke it off and he didn't have to

 

The second she touched him, she could have had her butt tossed in jail. It does not matter that she decided to back off.

 

She should have been charged.

[missusAshley]

Thanks for your apology and I'm sorry for any miscommunication too. I think she was behaving inappropriately to your son and you could have reported her to some sort of child protection authority. Once you knew you could have told her his real age and if she didn't stop then you could have reported her behavior.

 

Of course I said so doesn't work. Not at all what I was suggesting.

No worries.

 

The worst thing about her is that she is actually quite a decent person. The fact that she is blissfully happy living with a very young man aside, she seems to care about him a lot. A relationship like this simply isn't what any parent would want for their child. I know I can't do anything about it now and believe me my husband and I tried to do our best at the time - for him to grow out of his enfatuation, but having found out they are getting married I can't help but wonder should we have been more foreceful? Thank you for accepting my apology. Cheers.

[missusAshley]

This is the best comment here.... it recognizes that children are human beings with free will, not puppets on a string.

 

I have a perspective that may help... if not, just take what you want and leave the rest as the saying goes.

 

When I was 16, I had a job at a restaurant as a dishwasher. There was a chef working in the restaurant that was probably 10 years older than me that I had a huge crush on. Within a few weeks, we were sleeping together. I have no idea if he knew how old I really was, no idea if he had a girlfriend, etc. etc. etc... just that I felt all of this chemistry and wanted to act on it with him. My next relationship after that (maybe a year later) was with someone 11 years older than me. Not my proudest moments in life but there you go.

 

I ended up in a serious relationship with my daughters bio dad... he was 16 years older than me. (I was 18, he was 36). There was something about me that absolutely loved the idea of being friends with and being in relationships with people that were at least a decade older than me... in large part because I felt like I couldn't relate to anyone my age and had no interest in doing the things they were doing.

 

I will caveat all this by saying a few things... my parents were and are absolutely lovely people; hard working, took great care of us, strong principles, etc. My daughter's bio dad was also a really good man... as was his family. My parents liked my ex, and his parents absolutely adore me to this day we still have a great relationship.

 

I also have a 27 year old daughter OP that is very strong willed and bright, much like your son... she has always been very independent and done what she wanted to do no matter what I thought about it. Sometimes all we can do is do our best to teach and coach and support and then we have to let them go be who they need to be.

 

I mean yea it's pretty gross that she slept with your 13 year old son... and surprising that she didn't realize he was so young mentally, which makes me think your son must be very mature for his age while she must also be immature for hers... what I notice is that you do caveat everything by saying she didn't continue sleeping with him once she realized how old she was which shows at least a glimmer of integrity.

 

If my daughter were sleeping with a 41 year old man when she was 21... yea I would probably want to hunt him down and do terrible things to him while locking her in her room. Would that change anything? Absolutely not... would just completely destroy trust and our relationship, and would solidify the idea even more in her head as a way of rebelling against me.

 

Be there for him and support him, keep the door open in case anything happens... he will need to figure this out for himself though.

 

Thank you. For sharing your own experiences as well as trying to understand mine. My son has always been mature well beyond his age. Which, of course, doesn't mean he was in any way capable of consenting to a relationship with an adult at 13, or that he should be with a 41-year-old at 21 but like you said, he is very strong-willed and he will do what he thinks is best. I can just hope he isn't making a huge mistake.

[Batya33]

Children aren't puppets -not mutually exclusive with our job to protect them. Both can coexist. Now that he is an adult I already wrote that she should do her best to stay in contact in a positive way and that family peace is the most important.

[SherrySher]

I agree, Batya.

 

Children must be guided and protected...that's our entire job as parents. If we can't or don't do that, then yes, we fail as parents.

[missusAshley]

I'm sorry, OP, but I agree with the other posters. You had your chance to end this and to charge her.

She knew he was under age, I absolutely refuse to believe otherwise.

There is no way a 30 something woman wouldn't know she was having sex with a 13 year old.

 

You were more worried about him not liking you then protecting him from this sick woman.

You cannot stop it now and you can't do anything about it now.

 

They are both adults and it is no longer not your business. When he was a minor, it was 100% your business, but it no longer is.

 

I do understand that people might have some strong feelings about a young boy with an adult woman, I did too, but my son is fine, he really is. Other than getting ready to marry this weird woman who has been in love with him since he was 13, that is.

 

He is a type 1 diabetic and his blood sugar management has never been better. He is probably one of the most athletic nerds on the planet, into sports and healthy living...His career seems on the upward trajectory and he loves his job. He doesn't let me speak to her alone since I tried paying her off once if she agreed to leave him, and now I am not allowed to talk to her when he isn't there and when he is there I am on my best behaviour, but he told me recently that she said she had been helplessly in love with him from the first time they met and she spent years tormented over it and feeling guilty and that she was done with the guilt. That he is an adult now and she will no longer apologise for loving him. He, of course, thinks it all terribly romantic, I think she is a terribly juvenile weirdo.

 

At the time I chose to not press charges trying not to make it her and my son against the world, I can only hope I've made the right call.