I think it is time for me to write a goodbye note

[lightn]

Again, I am not trying to bring you down, I have been there. Last year, April 14th 2004 I was raped. By two stangers. I went into the deepest depression ever- I thought why me, why should I live, so someone could do it again? I wanted to take my life. I got help. And within that help I they made me realize, by telling me what I have told you- the hard honest truth- that it's stupid, and immature. I got over it, and I think that you have it in you to do as well.

 

I am so sorry that it happened to you. No wonder why you are with your answers. NOw I understand. Ok now you know how I feel to end it all, but you still think it is stupid and immature. Well I feel that my life is hanging by a thread and nothing good is coming my way. Again everything is caving in. It was so hard to get up this morning and eat. I barley even eating. The only way I would get over this feeling and pain is when things turn around and I have believed in myself but now there is no way.

[kskm]

Things will get better.. sometimes it takes more time then others. You just have to tell yourself every single day that there is something to live for- whether it be for your family, friends, goals- be goal oriented. Also, to get yourself out of this money situation set yourself a budget and work twords something. I hope that everything goes well soon.

[lightn]

Things will get better.. sometimes it takes more time then others. You just have to tell yourself every single day that there is something to live for- whether it be for your family, friends, goals- be goal oriented. Also, to get yourself out of this money situation set yourself a budget and work twords something. I hope that everything goes well soon.

 

I have heard that saying so many times, don;t know what to believe anymore. As for the money, I have set a goal but still it was not enough when there is no money coming in. Yes I do to that everything goes well but I doubt it.

[Blue Skittles]

Hey lightn - I am going through a lot of the same pain and suffering as you, not so much financial stress but the stress of having no one around to talk to and no friends that truly understand what I am going through.

 

I know it is a hard thing to do, but you need to go to the people that are closest to you, be it your family, your closest friends, and tell them that you are thinking about commiting suicide, and that you really need their support right now. Sit down and tell them this, you would be amazed it will help, They will help big time, at least if they care about you and your life then they will.

 

It took me 6 years to confront my parents and tell them about my depression and suicide attempts, and when I did, they have been my number one supporter through the past couple years. Its hard getting through this, and if it wasn't for them i would have been dead long ago. At least so SOMEBODy knows, just tell someone ok? Don't be scared to ASK for support... people will help, there are good people out there

 

I know how you feel about not wanting to be on meds and counselling and stuff, I went off of all that stuff too, But you know every day is going to make you stronger. Every day that you experience pain, stress, and suffering, then you will get stronger, and the stronger you are the more you will be able to persevere through this hard times, and the more hope you will have that better things are ahead

 

Please hang in there ok? We all have our own loads to bear and some get a wider load than others but think of how good you'll feel when you come out of this on top. You can do it...

[lightn]

 

Hey Blue Skittles: Thanks for your kind words. I am sorry you are going thru the same thing I am but not the financial stress. The financial stress right now is the big burden. I think you read my whole story with the triple effect wtih the job, financial and the ex. Right now the ex is the least of my worry and the biggest is the job even though I am in a commission job it sucks and now the bank with the financial stuff. I am hoping the unemployment will come through which I think it will, but it is the waiting game for the companies.

 

I could easily go postal against my job for what they are doing to me but no, I am not the person to do that, instead of hurting myself. They also put in this financial burden and again it does not help with my ex and of course she does not know what is going on.

 

Yes, I would hurt myself before anybody else. It is tough and have tried to do this day by day and hoping something comes thru but it is not.

 

As for talking to someone close I don;t have hardly any friends and I feel I should not burden with my problems.

 

I do appreciate your understanding on what I am going thru. I also understand what you are going thru also but at least you don;t have the financial burden. Again I appreciate your kinds words. I am just hanging in there by a thread.

[lightn]

I am getting really tired of hearing we will call you and let you know. It sucks and the more time it goes by the easier it is to make a choice but again I saw a female friend who I have known for some time, and I was not myself with her. She was not either because she had the flu. Anyway I told her thanks for lunch and thanks for the hug but I almost fell apart and cried but I held it in . When I got home I cried and talk to her and she knows how bad I am feeling but she does not know how badly my mind is thinking.

 

It is getting to me in hearing all this with the companies. I have done everything in my power to apply everywhere and nothing. The rejection or the waiting game.

 

There is no light for me. Yes, now I can see how if I left I would hurt some people since I saw this female friend because she confides in me about her boyfriend.(no this is not my ex).

 

Everytime I get home I just fall apart. I am about just ready and say forget it I am done and get it over with. That way employees of banks don;t have to be robots and get money out of a turnip. Heck it will be on them anyway and they are mentioned when I write the goodbye note. I am sure some will sleep well but right now life right now there is no way to turn.

 

I just don;t know what to do anymore. To me it is getting easier evry day to make the decision. There is only so much I can do and I feel like I am failing.

[darkblue]

your never failin' lightn,

 

it may be an easy option but lightn please think, there may not be anything after this life..

 

and if there's not .. wouldn't u rather have known if you could have made it.. even if you failed.. what if it did turn out alright?

 

as long as other people care about you, you can't stop caring about life.

 

stuff the bank lightn, there's so much more to live for,

 

keep talkin' to us 'n we'll keep replying

 

remember that your never a failure if someone cares

 

and i care.. well we care

 

so keep talkin'

 

take care

 

db

___________________________________________________________

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work... I want to achieve it through not dying.

Woody Allen

[lightn]

Darkblue:

 

Thanks for your kind words. I apprecaite it. Right now it just seems that I am worthless and with this holiday coming up it makes it tough. I guess because the job problem and finance problem but also the ex problem. I just wish my ex would know what she wants but it seems right now she does not. I guess when I am gone it will be better away from the place and maybe from the earth. She is the only one I know will want to confide me if the silence gets to her. Then when I left today for the day I looked at her through my shades and she looked like she was in space. I have avoided her every morning. I feel there is something wrong with me that she does not want a nice guy. I don;t know I do think about her when I am down like this but right now I have bigger problems to think about with the job and financial. I guess it will work out all in the end I feel but when is the question. How much more can I take.

Thanks for listening.

[CrystalDawn]

Just take it one day at a time with one thing at a time. I know it's hard. This is what I have to do alot.

[lightn]

Crystaldawn wrote:

Just take it one day at a time with one thing at a time. I know it's hard. This is what I have to do alot.

Thanks Crystal, but right now I have been crying, not sleeping well and have lost 8 pounds in 2 weeks and not eating well. I wake up crying and I can only sleep like 4 hours and that is it. I know I should take it one day at a time but it is really hard. IT is just too much. I am starting to have a date in mind to leave and also writing letter to my friends explaning and hopefully they will understand but some wil not.

 

I feel I have been defeated such as the job and financial ex and that my ex won and the job they did this to me. The pain is too much.

 

Thanks for your kind words.

[DN]

lightn - here is a website that gives a number for you to call in your state:

 

link removed

 

Call them before you do anything about killing yourself.

 

I have been in your financial situation before and it really saps your confidence and self-esteem. But I had a wife and kids and could not take the easy way out by killing myself and leaving them in even more trouble. So I had to come up with a plan. And that meant getting help - I highly recommend that you do the same thing. Get some proper financial counselling and career counselling. The chances are that the people at that number will be able to steer you in the right direction and find experts to help you.

 

The reason you feel hopeless is because you feel helpless to change anything- so get some help from people who have some answers for you. They are there you just have to make the effort to find them.

 

Making an effort to get the help will probably make you feel better because you have taken the first step necessary to taking charge of your life and making your own happiness. Don't be afraid to ask for help to get you started.

 

These people. like us on here, do care about you. I have just spent some time writing this in response to a private message from darkblue, who took the trouble to ask me to post because he felt I might have something to say that could help. He, and I, and everyone else who has posted on here, care about you. Because your life, like the life of everyone else on this planet, is important to us.

 

These lines are from the poet John Donne:

 

No man is an island, entire of itself; …

any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in Mankind;

and thereforeeee never send to know for whom the bell tolls; It tolls for thee.

[lightn]

As this weekend as been dragging by it has been very rough. I have been crying, not eating, etc. I had out with my sister who lives in another state telling me if I did not return the phone calls after 4 messages she was going to call the police. I said Why and she gave me this speech etc and then you could move back to the state(don;t want to, too expensive). She kept asking have you done this and told her I have done everything and nothing. Thank goodness she did not use the religion thing with me.

I really did not want to hear about this.

 

The suffering is bad. The weekend has been awful. I cannot even talk without crying. It is so bad that I am starting to put a date in mind. This is too much for me.

[darkblue]

The support is always here Lightn.. if only you would accept it *sigh*

 

I'm sorry if I was a little harsh.. but all I wanted to do was help

 

your sister sounds sincerly concerned

 

share your troubles

 

At the least it could get a load off your mind and you can finally let all your emotions go with someone

 

db

 

_____________________________________________________________

 

 

When someone allows you to bear his burdens, you have found deep friendship.

[lightn]

Thanks DB:

 

My sister may sound concern, but she does not understand. She kept saying you are not only one who is in this position. Yes that may be true but then she started to give me that speech.

 

There is nothing that anyone can do or help me out. It is disappointed that she had to say that to me but wanting to call the police if I did not call her back after the 4th time.

 

I know you wanted to help DB. Right now as the days go by and the tougher it gets, the easier for my choice. There is no way I am going to end up in the streets but it seems it is heading that way.

 

I guess I am defeated and not strong enough to handle all of this. I know I should be but I am not. I guess I am too weak and the pain. I guess that means everybody won, which means the job for what they did, has defeated me, the financial crisis defeated me and my ex defeated me. They all won.

[CrystalDawn]

A riveal never truly wins if you don't give up. I know this is hard. I've been in a simlar situation and I am currently actully. We are liveing on money we've saved and I don't know how long it's going to last. I understand how hard it is but don't give up just yet. You are not weak. You've made it this far. You can make it farther. We're here any time you need us.

[lightn]

CrystalDawn wrote"

A riveal never truly wins if you don't give up. I know this is hard. I've been in a simlar situation and I am currently actully. We are liveing on money we've saved and I don't know how long it's going to last. I understand how hard it is but don't give up just yet. You are not weak. You've made it this far. You can make it farther. We're here any time you need us.

 

Wow Crystal for those nice words. I have been reading your posts also I seemed shocked coming from you. I guess helping out other people problems help so you don;t have to think of yours. I know.

 

As for the rival, they have defeated me. It is all 3. Your right I have made it this far but how much further can I go. It seems to me it is going to get worse. The pain is bad adn when you have all 3 defeat you that is enough for a person to be gone from this earth.

[lightn]

This weekend has been rough. I hate it sure I made through another day but I think I am going to have to set a date to end this. I am thinking another 30 days but we will see. I cannot go any longer living the way I feel another 30 days or so and suffer the way I am suffering. It is too much. I am going to have write letter to my friends explaining on why so they have to understand.

 

This pain is too much to go on. I am defeated. Sure I am a coward, but that is fine. I guess being a coward is better than dealing wtih the pain, being broke and no job. I wake up crying every moring and I don;t like the way I feel. I also have no insurance since that was cut off.

[darkblue]

There are free health clinics, find one near you and get the necessary treatement.

 

Also consider councilling or therapy.

 

And if you are going to write your friends/family a note anyway, why not tell them now?

 

Maybe they will be there to support you, if not .. nothing lost nothing gained..

 

One Day At A Time.

 

db

 

___________________________________________________________

 

Always forgive your enemies - nothing annoys them so much.

Oscar Wilde

[GettingOverIt]

lightn,

I know what you mean about wanting to set a date... I keep thinking that I need to do just that, too... I understand everyone saying things like 'take one day at a time' and all, but I do not want to wake up in 30 years still fighting the same stupid battles....

I think it's kinda funny that people say suicide is selfish... Well, no duh, of course it is... I understand what you mean about people saying they want to help, but really all they want to do is tell you how stupid you're being... Oh, yeah, that helps... Why not pile on a few other insults to the wounds?

I do not think suicide is the answer, though for me, I'm not sure just what the answer is. The only thing I can say, coming from someone who has woken up everyday for about 8 months now with the thought of killing himself, is this: A solution is out there, it just hasn't been found yet, and I have to have the strength to survive one more stupid friggin day just in case I find it.... Mine is not financial, mine is relationship-based, but honestly, I dont think that matters....

Just know that I am there, taking one stupid day by one stupid day... I actually did set a date once, but it came and went, and I just haven't had the energy to set another one....

Keep checking in here... Okay?

[darkblue]

One day at a time does work,

 

and 'gettingoverit' Have you tried getting councilling for the relationship problem?

 

The 'battles' can be won.

 

I don't believe:

 

a few other insults to the wounds?

 

is right. I agree that there shouldn't be any insult added.

 

and lightn please do keep checkin' in

 

db

 

__________________________________________________________

Sometimes the heart sees what is invisible to the eye.

H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

[GettingOverIt]

DB, yeah, I'm in counseling... Have been for a while... Except for getting over my ex-gf, I feel like I'm stuck in the mud, spinning my wheels as far as counseling goes... Talk about the same things, time after time, not getting anywhere in my heart or my head... One moment, I am happy to be home, the next I'd rather be anywhere else.... In the grand scheme of things, I'm not sure it matters much anyway....

[lightn]

Gettingoverit:

 

Well I wrote another post in the exboyfriend/girlfriend post and found out yesterday that my ex was seen with another guy. That did not make my day and I left the job even though I am commission based that I don;t have to be there I have made up my mind not to go back. WHen I heard that I was shaking and not in good shape. Since she sits at the front desk I went out the back and walked all the way around to my truck. I left and probably will not go back. Yes, from what I heard did not help. Even my coworker did not want to tell me but she did. I heard he was not even good looking as me, short etc.

 

SOme of my friends today told me it is crazy to feel about her after a year and think now you know you have to move on but still thought by now I would have move on, but is so hard to do when I care about her but I guess she does not until I am no longer there.

 

OK but my counselor told me only speaking for 10 minutes stating that she has a borderline personality and have to be prepared what is coming, which means either you have to be stong enough to avoid her or let her pull you in and he said the relationship she is now in will not last and then she will get lonely again and the guy will not put much as I did.

 

Right now the way I feel I am so shocked but only hasten the idea of ending it but again who wins. Does she? Does the job? Don;t know till it happens. Am I a loser written over my head? Maybe.

 

Maybe I am crazy, now maybe with all this pain now only will make the decision faster, who knows. sometime I wonder when will this pain stop?

[lightn]

Well I guess I am pathic, worthless and cannot handle this anymore. I woke up crying after 3 hours of sleep, my body is shaking because I am wreck and I guess I am too stupid to see this.

 

I got some of my friends upset with me because I hanged on for so long.

 

Maybe it is best I am locked away or done with everybody and not face anything. I guess SHE WON, THE JOB WON, THE BANKS WON. Heck will not have to face anyone anymore, no bills, just a pathic guy who cannot handle all of this.

 

This is too much.

[blueangel]

"Life must be lived and curiosity kept alive. One must never, for whatever reason, turn his back on life."

Eleanor Roosevelt

 

 

If life to you is so meaningless, why not just live it? You will travel through many dark tunnels in your life, but know this, that no matter how far in you plunge, there is still a shining warm but distant light... never too far.

[blueangel]

Do you think you are different from anyone else? Do you think you are better? No. So how can you think that you are worse?

 

Surrender your fears. they do not matter. Step into the unknown... and know that you will ALWAYS come out ok. what in this can you learn and who in this can you love and why in this should you live? What would you tell someone in your place?