I think it is time for me to write a goodbye note

[lightn]

blueangel wrote:

 

Do you think you are different from anyone else? Do you think you are better? No. So how can you think that you are worse?

 

 

Yes, I do the way I am feeling I should not be feeling. It is not fair. No I do not think I am better. The pain is too bad but I know if I tell someone that I want to end my life then I will be locked up. If the pain is that I am trying to talk about it but people get tired of hearing it. I am a loser no matter what.

My job defeated me, my money problems defeated me and now my ex. Yes I am a loser. Maybe I should not leave and say my last good byes to everyone act like I am ok and then end it.

[blueangel]

What do you have left? There are many things still to appreciate. You HAVE to hold onto the life around you. Walk among nature, walk in the sunlight. There is something there that will never abandon you. Cherish the light that you are, the beauty of your soul. Think better of yourself. to change how you feel, you must change how you think. The world around us is a constant mood controller and amplifier. Surround yourself in the mood you wish to be in. Play happy music, open the windows, take darkness out of your room, clean and beautify yourself- LOVE yourself through your actions. BE WHO YOU WANT TO BE You control more of your insides than you think. If you still feel that way then it is because you are getting something out of it- being the victim. But I tell you this- we are not victims unless we make ourselves so. Be honest with yourself.

 

I wish I could comfort you right now physically, and hug you while you cry out everything, release the pain but Im not and noone here is. Is there anyone there? Your mom you could call? someone who knows you, whose heart is your home?

 

what are you dreams? you have to make yourself want to live right now because life changes so much that there is no way you can know if it's going to get better. I went through a deep depression too and wanted to kill myself many times. But I AM SO GLAD I DIDNT. I found God, I surrendered to him and discovered so many things. I discovered myself.

 

reach hearts, lightn. there are many around you, all separate and clouded from you from darkness. reach their hearts with love and youll find yourself gripping your own. youll find your own light as they do theirs. use this website to do so.

 

Dont give up. NEVER give up. Keeping love and living. Live forever

 

HOLD ON TO THE LIFE AROUND YOU> I really wish you could appreciate it as much as I do. There isnt a day that goes b y that Im not filled with emotion, with love, with safety... with home all around me. I am at peace. You can be too but there must be some changes

[lightn]

Blue angel:

 

I already know what my dreams are but I cannot get there when I am broke and don;t have a job. With a young age you will understand when you go into the working world.

 

I do sometimes help people out but I just cannot follow on my words on what I say to them. Sad isn;t it. It should be easy but it is not.

[blueangel]

The more wisdom you give to others, the more you give to yourself, the more you engrave things in your own mind as well... until sooner than later you find your actions reflecting thus

 

There are ways to make money even after you lost your job. There is never a dead end. You just have to keep your eyes open for a way out. And there are always people who may help.

 

You cant give up on yourself. Any reason to is bs. There is always hope. There are always things to live for. It all come down to a choice though. Do you or dont you want to live? Once you make that choice, the rest falls into place.

 

If you've already decided you want to give up, it is because you've decided so that you will. Not because you have to

[lightn]

Blueangel:

 

Wow, I don;t know what to say. For you to say there is not a dead end of no job sure there. Sure I could work out of mcdonalds but I am over qualified. I guess when you get out in the work world you will see.

 

OH really so I have decided to give up instead of not to have to? Wow yes when the pain is bad what would you do. Suffer or live day by day with the pain. Is there an easy choice. I think so

[blueangel]

Blueangel:

 

Wow, I don;t know what to say. For you to say there is not a dead end of no job sure there. Sure I could work out of mcdonalds but I am over qualified. I guess when you get out in the work world you will see.

 

OH really so I have decided to give up instead of not to have to? Wow yes when the pain is bad what would you do. Suffer or live day by day with the pain. Is there an easy choice. I think so

 

Pain can be inevidable. Suffering is not. To suffer is your choice. Although you cannot chose what happens to you, you can chose your attitude and how you deal. You're not choosing anything else because you dont believe there is anything else. The more you fight against happiness, the more real your pain becomes. But it is only because you make it so.

 

There are always options. what is hell to you may be heaven to someone else. McDonalds may not be the highest paying job but it is a paying job. There are people there, oppertunities for friendship. There are chances to learn something new. Learn to appreciate what little you have if ever there was a time in your life where you had everything but nothing mattered. All you need in this life is the air in your lungs as well as the basic needs to live. But you need nothing to be happy.

 

You need nothing to be happy. Happiness is up to you. If you want to be happy, be who you want to be. Life is like a play and most of it is acting. We can be whoever we want to be. We are constantly shifting. We are constantly choosing.

 

The choice itself may not be easy but there is no way you could really know what it leads to. It's kind of like the half full or half empty cup question. You choose how you see the world. You choose your perspective.

[blueangel]

Dying isnt the best way of getting life back for the things life gave you... because it still hasnt stopped giving

[lightn]

Blueangel wrote:

 

There are always options. what is hell to you may be heaven to someone else. McDonalds may not be the highest paying job but it is a paying job. There are people there, oppertunities for friendship. There are chances to learn something new. Learn to appreciate what little you have if ever there was a time in your life where you had everything but nothing mattered. All you need in this life is the air in your lungs as well as the basic needs to live. But you need nothing to be happy.

 

 

 

Sure I know that it is a paying job and I know that but again when the calls do not come what are you suppose to do? Rob a bank? NOt a good idea. Panhandle? No not a good idea? Sure there are opportunites for friendship but again when the job is not coming what is left.

I have learned to appreciate everything but this is really bad.

I don;t get your saying I need nothing to be happy. So what you are saying that no roof, no money to be happy. I find it hard to believe.

[blueangel]

You need nothing to be happy. Happiness is yours. It's your choice to experience it. Open your heart to the feeling.

 

If you cant find a job, dont stop looking. If searching is your only option, then search. Ask for change on the street. This is no time for pride (not that there is ever a time). Ask someone you know for help until you are able to carry on once more by yourself. This is a time though that you should not be alone. Rush to the arms of those that love you. And if you feel there is nobody, come here for support from all of us, from me.

 

There are infinate roads.

 

I have to go now. so you better not do anything while I'm gone, mister! I may be back tomorrow to check in on you but I dont know. I have to come to a public library and relying on my parents seems to be... unreliable most often. lol

[lightn]

Blueangel wrote

 

Rush to the arms of those that love you. And if you feel there is nobody, come here for support from all of us, from me.

 

Yes, there is nobody so that is why I come here.

 

I have to go now. so you better not do anything while I'm gone, mister! I may be back tomorrow to check in on you but I dont know. I have to come to a public library and relying on my parents seems to be... unreliable most often. lol

 

That is so cute miss. So that is where you spend your time in the library uh. That is good, library is quiet and peaceful and knowledge.

[Liquidius]

"Every day we have on this Earth - however hard - is precious. That life is all we've got. It's not something to be thrown away in a moment of depression, or discouragement, or fear of the future."

[darkblue]

Hey lightn,

 

I couldn't really give you any advice now lol because you won't accept it off of me, which is perfectly fine I'm just glad your still talking and trying to find help

 

Well keep checking in and talking to us

 

"enjoy everything but need nothing"

 

Darkblue

 

_____________________________________________________________

 

Trouble is part of your life — if you don't share it, you don't give the person who loves you a chance to love you enough.

Dinah Shore

[lightn]

DB:

 

Well I am talking but it is extremely hard. Even though life is presious and finding out she is dating someone, it is extremely hard and hurtful. This only amplifys my decision but then again who knows but then I know who she is with will not last long.

 

It is hard to enjoy when all of this is hard. I am a working person but heck working on myself I have but when you get rejected so many times how much can a person take. Sure it is my decision, and then I could not tell no one and just do it, but who knows it may come down to it and no one knows till I am gone.

[GettingOverIt]

I struggled with that thought - Just do it and no one will know until I'm gone... Heck, I even have several - er, um - plans, or ways to do it. I haven't yet, and some days I just don't know why I haven't, really...

 

No one can tell you that your situation is better or is worse than someone else's... I mean, they can tell you that, but that is baloney and really doesn't matter to you, I'm sure... What matters is that right now, you are being hit with all these things all at once.... You're still here, and that says a lot about you, lightn....

 

About the McDonald's thing... I'm sure it's not enough to cover your bills, but have you applied anyway? How about to a couple places/restaurants? You wouldn't have to work 2 jobs forever, just until you were able to get things going again... It's just an idea... Heck, just for the tar of it, apply at every stupid place you can think of, even if you wouldn't want to really work there... Many of the places will call you in for interviews etc, and look at that as a way to hone your interview skills, and build a little confidence - I mean, ANY interview call is a good one, right??

 

I don't know, I'm just trying to get you to see other ways of seeing things, I guess... And like I said, I'm just glad to see you're still here talking about things, even if that isn't solving anything yet, at least we know you're still with us.......

[lightn]

"GettingOverIt :

 

Your right I am still here a good sign but for how long noone knows. I have applied for stupid jobs and nothing. However I am working at a company now with a temp agency but still not my type of job either but it is money coming in. Will it change my outlook, don;t know yet. The money is still the problem and the ex thinking about her with the other guy. Anyway it should be the last on my mind but cannot help of what some of my friends say I am crazy to hold on this long that I should have gotten over it by now. This something you cannot get over it and had hope. Anyway enough about that.

 

Still not eating right and not sleeping well, but the weekends are hard so that will only amplify everything also.

[GettingOverIt]

lightn,

Hey, believe me, I know how hard it is to get over someone... In some ways, I am still trting to get over my feelings for my 'ex' (the woman I had the affair with)... She married the very next guy she went out with after we stopped seeing each other... UGH... And I still think about her every single day... But, somewhere in my HEAD (because my heart is too screwed up to know better), I know that these ... memories... are just that. I know it seems impossible right now, but believe me, you will come to see that too... Your head will anyway... I have yet to figure out how long my heart will still feel this way... You want to cry, you want to scream, you want to punch the walls out, right?

As far as eating... God, I hated the thought of eating. I would go to the drive through at Mickey-D's or Taco Bell or whatever and order the smallest meal I could (happy meal, kids meal, etc) and drive back to my place (I lived in a travel trailer) and I would take about 3 bites and toss the rest... Eventually, I just had to force myself (against my better judgement and all my body's wishes) to actually go IN and sit down and eat... I hated it. But I forced myself to do it anyway....

I know the money situation is not making things better... Right now, working may help you keep your mind occupied and off the other things... Yeah, the weekends are tough... Harder than anyone can imagine... Too much time alone... Can you force yourself to go and do something? ANYTHING? I mean get dressed nicely (even though you dont want to) and go to the mall or to a local park or something... Look in the paper for something local that's free (they usually have a list of that kind of stuff in the paper) and MAKE yourself go to it...

It doesn't matter what "should" be the last thing on your mind... The truth is that what is on your mind is on your mind, and the best you can do is try to push it out of there with other activities....

Keep holding on... Take very small, tiny, baby steps... As crazy as this sounds, I noticed that when I try to help folks on here, it helps me not think about my other stuff... part of the reason I happen to still be here.... Someone needs your help and your experiences and your insight....

[lightn]

GettingOverIt wrote:

 

Hey, believe me, I know how hard it is to get over someone... In some ways, I am still trting to get over my feelings for my 'ex' (the woman I had the affair with)... She married the very next guy she went out with after we stopped seeing each other... UGH... And I still think about her every single day... But, somewhere in my HEAD (because my heart is too screwed up to know better), I know that these ... memories... are just that. I know it seems impossible right now, but believe me, you will come to see that too... Your head will anyway... I have yet to figure out how long my heart will still feel this way... You want to cry, you want to scream, you want to punch the walls out, right?

 

Well I am sorry to hear that about your ex. That is so sad that she married the next guy but what comes goes around. It will not last long.

Your right that is what I want to do punch a hole in the wall but I know I will leave a hole in the wall.

 

Your right I still keep holding on and hoping things will get better but I just don;t see it. I hate the temp job right now because it is not my field and hoping something will come through with that but the money it sucks. It sucks to even think about it. I hate it. I want to travel but it takes money. Maybe traveling in heaven will be the best but not sure about that either.

Thanks for your response.

[GettingOverIt]

Well, truthfully, part of me hopes the ex-gf has found her love of a lifetime... And then part of me hopes he breaks her ever-friggin heart... ;-) Mean, I know, but oh well...

 

Turns out, I sent her a stupid, STUPID email and she has gone NC with me, which I find kinda funny in a weird sort of way... I just heard a song today called "Stay Gone" and it is perfect... After I leave this job and move away from her, I may send it to her, just to kick up some dust.... Then again, let sleeping dogs lie, right?

[scottsyb]

I am 55 years old and I was where you are right now, without a job for 3 years. I lost my house and car and was evicted from my home and left on the pavement with my two little dogs under each arm. A friend happed to pop passed and took me to her home where I had to make very harsh decicions. I went to the SPCA and had to put both of my babies (dogs) to sleep because I could no longer look after them. This broke my heart and to this day I still see their little eyes close when they went to sleep never to wake again. Later that day my friend had a braai and invited a few other friends around to try and make me feel better, when her Rotweiler was let out by some one and the dog mauled my face (I nearly lost both my eyes) I spent 3 hours in casualty with a nurse trying to stich my face back together and the next two weeks I would not go out as I looked like some one in a horror movie.

I have told you this because people have problems all the time and yes I was depressed. I had no job and a face that scared people, so interviews did not go well. So I did the next best thing, I walked the neighbourhood knocking on doors asking people if I could was there dogs for a fee. I was now very scared of dogs, but to overcome my fear, I started working with them, as I love animals very much.

To my surprise, people started asking me to come back each month to wash and groom their dogs and the dogs got to know me. It was wonderful, I now had a business that was working for me. I managed to buy a little second hand car, so I could work in a bigger area. I also started (once I had a place again of my own) looking after little dogs when people went on holiday and they even slept in my bed with me.

So please dont give up, try and be innovative to lift yourself up because no one can do that for you. Try and find something that you can do to bring in extra money. Perhaps you can start a garden service, (I dont know where you live) but here in South Africa, everyone has a garden service once a week. Try and think of something that will work in your area because if you can just get R50 from one person twice a day, that a R100 a day which equates to R700 a week, then you can be your own boss and never have to beg for your wages.

We care about you, so never give up. Look for something, speak to everyone you can and find out what they need and work from there.

Be Strong! I am with you.

[lightn]

scottsyb:

 

Wow your story is amazing. That is truley a good story. I was heartbroken to hear about your dogs that you had to put to sleep. I am sure that was the hardest thing to do. I am amazed on how you went back to dogs to relieve the fear.

 

I know I am trying everything to get a second income. I am working with a temp agency but still it is not the job I want. I am also looking into real estate investing but doing that takes time.

 

To me I still feel that I am not worth nothing. What scares is me is the story that was posted about internet companies will violate the person privacy if the person threatens to kill themselves.

 

The weekend is still the toughest and cannot enjoy life right now without money. I hate it.

 

Again I do like your story. Thanks for sharing.

[scottsyb]

I wrote my story to you in the hopes that you will be able to get something from it. I was also very depressed when having to walk the streets knocking on doors and asking to wash peoples dogs. I got 10 no's and then a yes, but it was very very difficult for me. Now that my life is on track again I look back and it has made me a much better person. I am more humble and more sympathetic to people who are in the same situation I was in. I also thought about taking my life, but now I have grandchildren and they are so precious to me and I cannot think about not being able to be around them.

I know it is very hard for you right now, but you have touched my heart and if you try and do anything, remember I will be very heartbroken because then I will feel like I have failed you. I care about you and I want to know how you are getting on, so please keep in contact with me.

So you see you are worth it and perhaps some day when you have managed to get yourself out of financial difficulties, you could come to South Africa for a holiday and I will show you this beautifull country of mine.

Have a great day and try to smile at everyone you see or talk to today, knowing that some one really cares about you!!!

[scottsyb]

Hi lightn, I have been thinking about you again and I would like to make a suggestion. Why dont you go and see a professional for, perhaps an antidepressant, just to help you out of the emotional hole you are in right now. I must say though I am not one for this sort of stuff, but after loosing everything and having to put my dogs to sleep, that sent me into a place I thought I would never be able to get out of, but I went and saw a doctor who put me onto tablets just for three months and I must say they really helped me. It did not take the pain away, but I was at least able to talk to people with a smile. They also made me feel human again and it was during this time that I was able to go to an interview and I got the job because my attitude had changed. After the three months I came off the tablets and I was stronger then to handle life again. So perhaps this might help you.

Week ends I know are very hard to handle when you are feeling like you are, but try and keep busy, read books, this also helped me because you dont keep thinking about your problems because you are in the story of the book.

Remember that I care and I will be with you all the way!

 

Yesterday is gone, tomorrow may never come, but today is your day to achieve, even if it is only one little thing.

[lightn]

"scottsyb:

 

I cannot go see a doctor because my insurance is gone. Since I am working a temp job there is no insurance. Yes, I know I did the same thing with Zoloft and it did help but I really don;t want to count the pills to get me better.

 

I still wake up in the morning feeling not well and crying and not looking forward to the weekend. Right now I just feel that I am not too good to anyone and don;t feel like myself.

 

It is just so hard that this is happening to me. I just don;t want to wake up and face another day.

 

THanks for caring.

[scottsyb]

Hi Lightn,

I know the week ends are the hardest, but try and get to see some people. Force yourself to interact with others. You must try and not be alone too much. I know you dont want to take tablets, but it is only for a short time, because if you feel better everything seems to be different, a lot easier. I am also worried that you suffering from depression and that is an illness that has to be treated. So you must not feel bad about seeking help, ask some one to help you. Find a person you can trust and speak to them. A problem shared is a problem halved.

Remember I care and keep smiling.

[lightn]

scottsyb:

 

I am probably suffering from depression but every morning it is so hard to wake up and get on with the day. Even forcing myself to talk to someone, I just feel that I am no good to anyone. I mean even some of my friends, I have cut off or don;t want to talk to them and I am taking the hint that they don;t want to hear about my problems in which makes it harder.

I am trying to hang in there, but still a thread. I just feel that this is not going to end. I even want to start a business but again it takes money to do that, by paying for this etc and I just don;t have the money so how am I suppose to get ahead. It stinks and I don;t like it.

 

Times like this I want to give up and not worth living. Honestly, my world is spinning and it seems it will not stop.

 

I am feeling like I am worthless, no hope in my future and so what is the use of living. Maybe I should just go away and not talk here anymore. I just don;t know anymore.