Ghosted or Scared?

[Honey2theB31]

Again I’ve known him since high school so introducing him to my kids is no big deal. They meet acquaintances of mine all the time. Male or female. It’s not like introducing some new guy I barely know to them. I am still figuring out where I’m at emotionally as far as if I really want to be with him long term or not and to just be ghosted in the middle of what was seeming like a revolution is tough. I’m sure he probably sees/feels my hesitation and mixed signals as well which is why I worry that he did this to protect his own feelings (hence the title ghosted or scared ). And it puts me in a situation where I can either look desperate chasing this guy who doesn’t want me anymore or by not saying anything confirm his missunderstanding that I’m just toying around with him.

[RayRay63]

As I read this thread further, I cannot but help thinking this chap has realized the best way to get your attention, was to withdraw his.

[Wiseman2]

You're not dating him, so why bother with armchair analyses? It sounds like he's just a canvas that you are projecting a lot of other baggage onto. Stop the chitchat with random pseudo old flames and start dating in real life, if you're ready. However you sound far from ready given that you're quick to throw around narcissist labels. Therapy may help you sift through some issues that haven't been dealt with.

Thank God for my kids they’ve really kept me going during all this. Guilt tripping me into doing what he wants is Narc behavior and not good at all for my situation. If that’s even what he’s doing....

[Honey2theB31]

Though I’m an introvert. I’m also a feisty Leo (astrology). I can’t STAND to be ignored it puts women like me into crazy mode and I’m like a day away from sending that crazy angry “Screw you.” text. So I just thought I’d find some random outlet to vent into instead since my friends are sick of hearing about it. And I’m sick of them shoving other guys in my direction. There’s nothing more a person wants than that one thing they can’t have at the moment I guess.

 

The holidays are coming so I’ll just focus on myself and my family for now. Whatever will be will be. Thanks all for your advice and time!

[bluecastle]

I would recommend almost any reaction save for the "crazy" text, which I don't think any star sign can rationalize.

 

I'd break it all down, first and foremost, to the two simple things here: 1. This hurts. 2. You are sad. Those are tough feelings to experience, but they will pass, if you let them and allow yourself to accept what really is the most obvious storyline here: that this guy is just not who you hoped he'd be. If he was, the past 30 days would have gone much differently.

[Billie28]

Though I’m an introvert. I’m also a feisty Leo (astrology). I can’t STAND to be ignored it puts women like me into crazy mode and I’m like a day away from sending that crazy angry “Screw you.” text. So I just thought I’d find some random outlet to vent into instead since my friends are sick of hearing about it. And I’m sick of them shoving other guys in my direction. There’s nothing more a person wants than that one thing they can’t have at the moment I guess.

 

The holidays are coming so I’ll just focus on myself and my family for now. Whatever will be will be. Thanks all for your advice and time!

 

Please stop using the month you were born as a reason for your reactions?

I’m a fellow Leo. Fine if you think you fit the bill and can’t stand to be ignored , what star signs are your friends that are sick of being ignored because you seemingly ignore all their advice?

 

This guy didn’t continually message you every few months for no reason. He liked the reaction from you regardless if it was a positive or negative one.

You did encourage his contact by responding every time! You said you dont like to be ignored which also could be interpreted as you like to be acknowledged. I’m guessing this whole fiasco is because of the latter.

 

This has absolutely nothing to do with your date of birth.

The sooner you accept your responsibility in this and stop excusing it , the better for you.

I’m sure your Leo and non Leo friends will agree.

So , arrange a girls night out , tell them there will be no more talk about this guy that is unimportant and basically non existent at this point and enjoy!!!

 

Best of luck!!!

[Wiseman2]

What are your friends "sick of hearing about"? Why bother sending him anything? He's not even bothering to reply and he owes you nothing.

I can’t STAND to be ignored it puts women like me into crazy mode

I’m like a day away from sending that crazy angry “Screw you.” text.

my friends are sick of hearing about it.

And I’m sick of them shoving other guys in my direction.

[Honey2theB31]

People are who they are if I want to relate it to my star sign that's what I'll do.

 

I sent the crazy text last night anyway (against everyones advice both my friends and in here) and he did respond that he just can't "figure me out" and doesn't want to waste his time with me if this isn't real. He doesn't feel like I'm attracted to him because of the lack of intimacy (which I know could be total BS and a way to guilt me into having sex). I'm not naturally a touchy feely type person anyway so it is true that he's been the one to always initiate physical contact. I don't even know how to respond to any of this I'm already over repeatedly telling him I'm for real this time. Anyway I got him to agree to continue to just casually see each other with no pressure and if it doesn't work out we can mutually agree to end it.

[bluecastle]

Sounds like this is something you need to see through. Been there.

 

What I'd keep in mind, or somewhere in the corner of your mind to reference occasionally, is the deep chasm between "something real" and how he has behaved. From the occasional poking you to the brief flash of sensitivity to the ice cold ghosting to the explaining that ghosting as driven by a desire for "real"—all that, in a vacuum, is the behavior or someone for whom "real" is not of genuine interest. It's just not how people act, when they're ready and open to real, more how people act when they want to eliminate the possibility of "real" from their lives.

 

Of course, the other component of that is that people who are open an ready for real themselves would maybe see that a bit clearer. That's not judgement, as I've taken plenty of curious steps in various stages of emotional availability, sometimes stepping further into a swamp to see just how swampy it is—and to realize I was genuinely ready for something less swamp-like. But just calling what I see, as a little torch as you explore this path.

[Wiseman2]

Are you wondering if he is "scared" of you?

I sent the crazy text last night anyway and he did respond that he just can't "figure me out" and doesn't want to waste his time with me if this isn't real. I got him to agree to continue to just casually see each other with no pressure and if it doesn't work out we can mutually agree to end it.

[Honey2theB31]

Are you wondering if he is "scared" of you?

 

Yeah. Or just scared to be fully honest and real with me because I’ve been such a flaky, emotionally unavailable person to him for so many years. I’ve been hot and cold and confusing. It’s only been since July that I’ve given him my full attention and it’s only been since then that I’ve realized what I could have been missing with him. But now that he’s playing hot and cold with me I’m also scared to let my guard down. Plus I think when I gave him the green light he totally revved up ready to race into things and then when I was like stop let’s take things slow, I don’t wanna have sex right away, etc. He might be a little bit like well eff this I’m done with her and her games. Even though I’m not playing around.

 

To add some context. We live in a small town it’s not like there are soooo many options out there. Like many others our age we returned here after having kids to put them in the smaller, better schools. I know some of you are probably like what’s the big deal with one dude move on if it’s so complicated. With the right guy it should flow so easy. It’s not exactly that easy. Being an hour from any major city I can get away with dating there temporarily but it always ends the same no one will take a long distance relationship seriously. So that’s how my hopes got so high so fast when me and this guy started connecting.

[Honey2theB31]

Sounds like this is something you need to see through. Been there.

 

What I'd keep in mind, or somewhere in the corner of your mind to reference occasionally, is the deep chasm between "something real" and how he has behaved. From the occasional poking you to the brief flash of sensitivity to the ice cold ghosting to the explaining that ghosting as driven by a desire for "real"—all that, in a vacuum, is the behavior or someone for whom "real" is not of genuine interest. It's just not how people act, when they're ready and open to real, more how people act when they want to eliminate the possibility of "real" from their lives.

 

Of course, the other component of that is that people who are open an ready for real themselves would maybe see that a bit clearer. That's not judgement, as I've taken plenty of curious steps in various stages of emotional availability, sometimes stepping further into a swamp to see just how swampy it is—and to realize I was genuinely ready for something less swamp-like. But just calling what I see, as a little torch as you explore this path.

 

I don’t think he ghosted me because he thought it would make me be real. Like I think he was actually done trying. But I’m stubborn and now that I want him he doesn’t get to be done trying lol. I’ll make more of an effort to show I’m serious and hopefully it works out if not I’ll be okay as long as there is closure and I know exactly what happened and why. Thank you for your advice and listening to me vent through this.

[bluecastle]

I don’t think he ghosted me because he thought it would make me be real. Like I think he was actually done trying. But I’m stubborn and now that I want him he doesn’t get to be done trying lol. I’ll make more of an effort to show I’m serious and hopefully it works out if not I’ll be okay as long as there is closure and I know exactly what happened and why. Thank you for your advice and listening to me vent through this.

 

Vent away.

 

Meanwhile, I'll keep advising. It's tricky math you just did, you know? He ghosts and in response you'll "make more of an effort" so "hopefully it works out." Just do think about that for a moment, with the Leo stubbornness, the hungry loins, the wounded ego, and the visions of a blended family on the back burner. Because past all that, that's exactly what this is.

 

It's quite a precedent being set, for starters, and also a risky approach. Easy metaphor: I go to the casino, blow $1000 at the slot machines, and in response I spend $2000 at the same machines in hopes of recouping the loss and winning big. People do that, and mostly they go broke. The casino, though, always wins. And it wins because it exploits something very real inside of us humans, the thing I suspect, deep down, is driving you: a hatred of losing.

 

It is all telling to me that this goes back to high school. Because being frank—maybe that's a Libra thing, don't know—this kind of is high school. No judgment. I've dabbled in high school romance in adulthood, with fellow adults. It can be spicy—and, during bored or lonesome stretches, it can be like TV: a soothing distraction. But my stakes were different. No kids for me. I had $3000 to burn, to speak, and still it all kind of burned and didn't add up to much more than some ashes.

 

Just saying.

[Honey2theB31]

If this was a guy I just met and we had no history and he ghosted me it would be quite obvious he’s not into me and there’s nothing I can do, no amount of effort I can make to change that. In this instance I know I’ve been a difficult person to deal with. I know that he’s insecure. And my instinct was that his ghosting could have been more than just a loss of interest. Totally immature of him and I do think he already knew he’d get this kind of reaction out of me by doing it and I don’t like that kind of manipulation at all but again I haven’t exactly been the ideal innocent person for him either. So hopefully we can get past this mess and move forward.

[Billie28]

 

I sent the crazy text last night anyway (against everyones advice both my friends and in here) and he did respond that he just can't "figure me out" and doesn't want to waste his time with me if this isn't real. He doesn't feel like I'm attracted to him because of the lack of intimacy.

 

Anyway I got him to agree to continue to just casually see each other with no pressure and if it doesn't work out we can mutually agree to end it.

 

I don’t buy his story tbh!!

At the time he ghosted on you , you were giving more of yourself to him than you ever have.

Except still no intimacy.

If he really was genuinely interested in you as a person and wanting a relationship with you he should have been overjoyed that things were progressing no matter how slowly.

But in my mind , since he was hitting you up while with another , while his ex partner was pregnant etc , I doubt that he is genuine at all.

 

Now you say you “got him to agree” to casually see you with no pressure.

But that’s what you already were doing when he ghosted on you?

 

Are you ready to take a chance on him and become intimate?

It’s off to a bad start when before you even meet up again you are already discussing it not working out and mutually ending it. This won’t have a mutual ending , I can almost guarantee that now.

[bluecastle]

Can you articulate your supposed sins here? You seem to have this story that you've been difficult, less than innocent. But why? Because you didn't chomp at the bit of little pokes he sent while poking someone else? Because you didn't want to have sex when he wanted to have sex? I ask this earnestly. I understand that your life situation, emotional equilibrium, and so on, didn't perfectly align with his hopes, but I'm not sure that is "difficult." Ghosting, on the other hand, is being extraordinarily difficult and immature.

 

Guess I feel like you're trying to get two feathers to equal the weight of a lead cannonball in order to rationalize being attracted to this guy.

 

The other thing I'd just be mindful of is this idea that you guys share some rich history. You went to high school together, when he wanted to get with you. Over the years he poked. That's thin stuff, not deep stuff. Finally you hang out a handful of times. Nice times, deep talks. That is also thin stuff. Get on a dating app and you'll do that 2-12 times in a year, with the ones who ghost kind of announcing the very real limits to their depths.

 

Just trying to protect you here. I get that you need to keep exploring this, and will, but I'm a believer that it's always best to see what we're exploring clearly.

[Honey2theB31]

Can you articulate your supposed sins here? You seem to have this story that you've been difficult, less than innocent. But why? Because you didn't chomp at the bit of little pokes he sent while poking someone else? Because you didn't want to have sex when he wanted to have sex? I ask this earnestly. I understand that your life situation, emotional equilibrium, and so on, didn't perfectly align with his hopes, but I'm not sure that is "difficult." Ghosting, on the other hand, is being extraordinarily difficult and immature.

 

Guess I feel like you're trying to get two feathers to equal the weight of a lead cannonball in order to rationalize being attracted to this guy.

 

The other thing I'd just be mindful of is this idea that you guys share some rich history. You went to high school together, when he wanted to get with you. Over the years he poked. That's thin stuff, not deep stuff. Finally you hang out a handful of times. Nice times, deep talks. That is also thin stuff. Get on a dating app and you'll do that 2-12 times in a year, with the ones who ghost kind of announcing the very real limits to their depths.

 

Just trying to protect you here. I get that you need to keep exploring this, and will, but I'm a believer that it's always best to see what we're exploring clearly.

 

Things are okay now. But technically I ghosted first many times. There’d be times he’d “poke” and I’d play along for a while out of boredom knowing all well I had no intentions of going out on a date with him. I’ve made the lamest excuses and never gotten back with him. Just because someone is not interested in you from the start doesn’t mean it can’t happen over time. And that’s what happen to me. I feel horrible for blowing him off all this time and I can’t blame him for any kind of way he feels now. He’s since admitted to me that he took the advice of his brother to “leave that woman alone you’re going to get hurt.” This is a small town remember everyone knows everyone and his brother hangs in the same crowds as my ex fiancé so I’m sure he doesn’t have a good impression of me. We’re not together anymore because I cheated on him so I have that against me everyone knows about it. Even though there was more to that story than just me being a and a terrible person. My ex fiancé and I were off and on in the last year and during the time we were OFF I met this other guy and just didn’t exactly let go when we decided to get back ON for the kids (never do that).

[Wiseman2]

As you mentioned word gets around in a small town. Perhaps his brother thinks of you as the town femme fatale, so people (men) stay away from you in general.

the advice of his brother to “leave that woman alone you’re going to get hurt.” This is a small town remember everyone knows everyone and his brother hangs in the same crowds as my ex fiancé . We’re not together anymore because I cheated on him

[Honey2theB31]

As you mentioned word gets around in a small town. Perhaps his brother thinks of you as the town femme fatale, so people (men) stay away from you in general.

 

That is true. Which is why it’s pointless to hop on some “dating apps” when the results are all going to be people I already know. If they’re too far away it won’t work out because not only will that person have to endure a long distance relationship, I have 2 kids also so its hard not to get in that desperate mind set of “I’ve got to make things work with what I’ve got.”