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To reach out to an ex or not?


pink334
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My ex broke up with me (for the second time) a few months ago. After the first breakup, he was really grateful for getting back together so I thought maybe he just made his decision too abruptly. The second time, he was also dealing with a possible move to another city. I think the move had more to do with the breakup but he pretty much gave me the same reasons as the first time. Some generic things about that we're different and he wasn't feeling it. I am not sure still if the move or these reasons had more to do with it. On one hand, I don't know why he would tell me these things if they weren't true but on the other, if these reasons were a huge deal then why get back together? I think the move had more to do with it and honestly I don't think he is actually moving now but I am still unsure of this and his reasons.

 

Understandably, I got pretty upset the second breakup but I apologized and my ex would still go up and talk to me. Me ex said some pretty hurtful things too though so to get some space I deleted their number and them off social media. My ex found out and this upset him. I think this indicates he was not indifferent about the breakup or maybe he felt guilty. He stopped talking to me but we were slowly exchanging smiles and since we have mutual friends, hanging out in groups. I would sometimes avoid eye contact and I have not gone up to him to say anything.

He went traveling so I didn't see him for a while and when he came back I found out he was going through a life-changing health complication. I was stunned and with intentions of saying something, friended him on social media and he added me back. I did already have intentions of trying something like this when he got back from traveling but the things he was going through pushed me to do it even more. I never said anything though because I have been nervous and I am scared to hear something I don't want to hear.

When my ex was going through the depths of his health issue, he would avoid being near me, avoid eye contact, or look away if I made eye contact. Now that he is feeling better, he stands near me and sometimes I catch him looking at me but now I am the one who is looking away. I really don't understand the shift but we still haven't gone up to talk to each other. I also cannot decide if this is indifference, or curiosity, or a little hot-and-cold on his part.

Like I said, he has added me back on social media and I know he sees what I post. He even watched my story the other day but this could have been unintentional.

I have thought about at least saying something to offer some support due to his health complication but I really wish he would reach out since he is the one who broke up. A part of me wonders that, even if he did want to maybe he thinks I want nothing to do with him or is waiting for me to be ready. I do not feel 100% emotionally ready but it has been 5 months since the break up and about 4 of no contact or low contact. The longer I wait, I feel that more resentment will grow. In an ideal world, I would like to get back together but at the very least I would like to make some amends. My ex and I share a hobby and I have almost decided not to go anymore because I just get so sad when I see him. I do want to continue my hobby but I also still have feelings for my ex so I just don't know what to do anymore.

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I don't see a reason to reach out to him.

 

He's broken up with you twice. He's been largely out of touch for 5 months.

 

These are clear signals that he just doesn't have strong feelings for you. I would try to accept that so you can move on and eventually find someone who reciprocates your interest in equal measure.

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Please, value yourself more than this. You get one shot at life - don't waste time with people who don't want to be with you that much!

 

Everything you write is about HIM. What about you? What about your self-esteem?

 

I'm saying this cos I've done it to death, but never again! I 'spent' seven years with an ex who would be fantastic (like genuinely lovely) for about eighteen months and then leave. I wouldn't be trying to read into stuff though, as you are - I immediately went no contact and didn't look at any social media, or reply to anything once he went. When the loss hit him a few months later, he'd beg to come back and I'd ignore that too. He'd start to send me random things (eventually a weekly shopping delivery!!!!), turn up leaving stuff (I wouldn't answer), email and write letters saying I was his soulmate and begging for another chance. After months of this I'd give in.

 

Guess what? It was the same every time! Despite all of his dramatics, he didn't really have any remorse about how he'd treated me, or do any of the work required to make me feel secure again and no matter how good it got I was always waiting for the horrible conversation (and complete personality switch) telling me he needed space again. It didn't only cost me time, it cost me my self-respect and confidence. I finally took things into my own hands and threw him out when it was clear he was about to do the same thing again. (After having left...three? four? times in seven years?)

 

And each time he came back, he'd actually begged and pleaded and made it clear what he wanted! Yours isn't even doing that! (Not that that should make any difference). I bet he isn't *that* much of a catch...mine certainly wasn't.

 

Value yourself more and find someone else.

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I'm not going to find someone else because I don't want someone else

That is dramatic. He does not want you. You need to accept it.

 

Giving eye contact is nothing. You should have blocked him on everything. You are intentionally hurting yourself.

 

How long did you date?

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We dated for a few months. But the thing is, I still have to see him all the time and I still have feelings for him. I want to be back together and if we don't get back together, I will probably stop doing my hobby that I really enjoy.

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You dated a couple of months and he broke up with you twice. C'mon.

 

Then do things that will not include him. Why would you want to get back together with someone who does not value/respect you? You have been pining over some almost three times longer than you dated. You need to address why you would do this.

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We dated for a few months. But the thing is, I still have to see him all the time and I still have feelings for him. I want to be back together and if we don't get back together, I will probably stop doing my hobby that I really enjoy.

 

That is sometimes the collateral of a break-up.

 

If you cannot see him without feeling low, it would be best to stay away from places where you know he'll be - at least until you're much more indifferent about him. It is unfortunate that it will affect a hobby you really like, but it also sounds as though you're having difficulty moving on because you're seeing him there.

 

If he wanted to be with you, you'd know it by now. It appears that he doesn't mind seeing you out and about, but reconciliation isn't on his mind.

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Like I said in my post, he wasn't around for more than a month and my feelings did not change at all once I saw. I don't think any amount of time will help. I will always want to make things work. Honestly, I have no idea what is going on in his mind. All I know is that neither of us is talking to the other

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Like I said in my post, he wasn't around for more than a month and my feelings did not change at all once I saw. I don't think any amount of time will help. I will always want to make things work. Honestly, I have no idea what is going on in his mind. All I know is that neither of us is talking to the other

 

You don't know that.

 

You're currently telling yourself that because you don't want to concede that it's over, and has been for a while. The narrative we write in our own heads can be a powerful story, but you can't decide that time won't help when you haven't yet taken the necessary steps to really let go.

 

Let me ask you this: how will you feel if you find out someday that he's met another woman and has started seeing her?

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Like I said in my post, he wasn't around for more than a month and my feelings did not change at all once I saw. I don't think any amount of time will help. I will always want to make things work. Honestly, I have no idea what is going on in his mind. All I know is that neither of us is talking to the other

 

Nothing is going on in his mind regarding you. He does not want to date you.

 

I not trying to be rude, but I thought you were a teenager.

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I get that breakups are hard. But, like others are saying, you are fixating right now on dramatic storylines that make this more tragic than it is. It's a guy you liked a lot who didn't pan out, didn't like you back the same way. Just a few months, not a marriage, not a romance for the ages.

 

You've spent far more time apart at this point—and more time not talking—than you ever spent together. Think about that for a minute. That means the thing you're holding onto right now exists mainly in your imagination, and you're feeding that with the thinest of morsels: a story view, a follow accept. That stuff is not real. That's just the exhaust fumes of a fire that went out a while back.

 

These short ones can sting, I know. All that hope, all that potential. We do a lot of protecting with people early, and when we lose that projection screen it's painful. But you kind of have to see that that's what it was: a screen on which you were playing a film that was not real. If it was real, you wouldn't be posting here, wouldn't have been breaking up and getting back together in such a tight window. You'd just have been getting to know someone. Since that didn't happen, it means he's not the guy for you—not into it, as they say.

 

No point being into people who aren't into us. Mourn the loss, but don't eat the crumbs. There's a real meal out there. He's not it.

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You don't know that.

 

You're currently telling yourself that because you don't want to concede that it's over, and has been for a while. The narrative we write in our own heads can be a powerful story, but you can't decide that time won't help when you haven't yet taken the necessary steps to really let go.

 

Let me ask you this: how will you feel if you find out someday that he's met another woman and has started seeing her?

 

I would be even more heart broken than I am now

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I get that breakups are hard. But, like others are saying, you are fixating right now on dramatic storylines that make this more tragic than it is. It's a guy you liked a lot who didn't pan out, didn't like you back the same way. Just a few months, not a marriage, not a romance for the ages.

 

You've spent far more time apart at this point—and more time not talking—than you ever spent together. Think about that for a minute. That means the thing you're holding onto right now exists mainly in your imagination, and you're feeding that with the thinest of morsels: a story view, a follow accept. That stuff is not real. That's just the exhaust fumes of a fire that went out a while back.

 

These short ones can sting, I know. All that hope, all that potential. We do a lot of protecting with people early, and when we lose that projection screen it's painful. But you kind of have to see that that's what it was: a screen on which you were playing a film that was not real. If it was real, you wouldn't be posting here, wouldn't have been breaking up and getting back together in such a tight window. You'd just have been getting to know someone. Since that didn't happen, it means he's not the guy for you—not into it, as they say.

 

No point being into people who aren't into us. Mourn the loss, but don't eat the crumbs. There's a real meal out there. He's not it.

 

 

but he is still the guy I want and need. I don't want someone else. There is no one else out there. I haven't met anyone in my entire life up to this point who I loved like him and there will not be another. I want it to work out with him

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You sound like the type of person who loses themselves in a relationship. You won't let go of the situation, even though it no longer benefits you at all to chase this guy, because you have no identity without him.

 

At least admit to yourself that there is more going on here than just you being in love with him. You want him to make you feel good about yourself and to give you purpose.

 

He isn't responsible to tell you who you are though, and there's no evidence that he cares how you feel at all. By all means, keep chasing him, but people on this forum are never going to tell you it's going to work out in the long-run.

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You sound like the type of person who loses themselves in a relationship. You won't let go of the situation, even though it no longer benefits you at all to chase this guy, because you have no identity without him.

 

At least admit to yourself that there is more going on here than just you being in love with him. You want him to make you feel good about yourself and to give you purpose.

 

He isn't responsible to tell you who you are though, and there's no evidence that he cares how you feel at all. By all means, keep chasing him, but people on this forum are never going to tell you it's going to work out in the long-run.

 

Well I have tried really hard. I even deleted his number and removed him from social media. Which upset him a lot more than I was expecting.

I just can't stop having feelings for him though. It's been so months and I still feel the same way. And I'm so confused about everything. I just don't get what happened or what is even happening right now. The things I've been doing to help myself get over it don't even help because everyone knows him there or he is there too. I just feel like there is nothing I can do.

I still feel so bad about things to and I wonder if the only way to deal with that is by talking to him but I don't want to talk to him and feel worse either. Like I can barely even look at him when we're in the same room and that makes me feel like I am being rude and pushing him away even further. I just don't know what to do

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You should seek therapy. Your attachment is unhealthy. You dated this guy two whole months, and cannot see yourself with anyone else? You barely know this man.

 

Bottom line, he does not love you or want to date you. Block him.

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You should seek therapy. Your attachment is unhealthy. You dated this guy two whole months, and cannot see yourself with anyone else? You barely know this man.

 

Bottom line, he does not love you or want to date you. Block him.

 

It was about 4 months. I see your point and I don't know why I am still so hung-up on him but I still don't feel any different than the first week we broke up. I sometimes feel worse actually. I just don't know what to do anymore. I got a new job, found a new hobby, really made myself do even more in the hobby we share, and I've done a lot of personal development stuff. But I still miss him. I think breaking up and getting back together made things worse for me but honestly I don't get it. It is obvious that he does/did really like me so it's probably more his issues than anything. However, that makes it even harder for me to move on.

I may start therapy but I am really hesitant of it actually helping. Also I can see myself talking more about him than myself so it probably won't do me any good.

 

edit: also for context. My first relationship was also short and I got broken up with which sucked but it took me maybe a couple months to move on. My second was also short but also emotionally abusive. That one took longer to get over mostly because I got really depressed but I did start seeing someone new shortly afterwards who I dated for 2 years. In the 2 year one I was the dumper so I was over him before we even broke up. This time, I actually have tried going on dates and stuff but I don't find any of them interesting. I feel like something is wrong with me or that I just have to talk to him.

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You need to block him on everything. The fact that he was upset about you blocking was only about his ego. He only likes the fact that you are still holding on. Do not go places where he is present, and please seek therapy. You are wasting your life on someone who does not want to be with you.

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"s obvious that he does/did really like me so it's probably more his issues than anything" He does not like you, or he would be with you. You need to accept fact, that he does not want to be with you. No where have his actions indicated that he wants you. Stop this denial. .

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