To reach out to an ex or not?

[pink334]

Pink, not sure if you read my last post, or if you even want to, but re your dance, continue with that. Don't lose your friends, friends are hard to come by, at least good ones.

 

If you run into him anywhere, remain pleasant.

 

But if you truly want to move on with your life, is as I said in my previous post, you must ACCEPT it's over.

 

Again, it's okay to still love him, think about him, care about him, none of those emotions are going to kill you, or even harm you, not if you don't allow them too.

 

Like I said too, there are going to be people you meet and get involved with in your life, short while, long while, who will always remain within you.

 

That's OKAY, it means you experienced spending time with someone special (to you), someone who taught you a lot (about yourself mostly), that you are capable of loving and that is a good thing!

 

Imagine living your life never being able to love anyone, or ever have a feeling/emotion about someone.

 

That would be far worse, don't you think? I have experienced that (depression) and I think it is (far worse).

 

But I always have feelings for the guy and they never have them for me. I thought things were different this time. He did all the things a guy does when they really liked someone. I don't ever want to fall in love again if I am only going to get hurt. I don't think I will after him. He was so special to me.

Also, I am not always been pleasant around him because I can't. I can barely look him in the eyes. He probably thinks I'm being rude or mean to him, which he doesn't deserve but I am so hurt.

 

edit: i can maybe accept loving him from a far but I feel like part of that for me would be to be more pleasant around him. I just can't imagine talking (or even dancing) with him without feeling emotional

[pink334]

"For me, even though the relationship was short. It was the best I ever had and I just know I won't be lucky enough to find something like that again which is why I'm holding on I guess." Unhealthy thinking and what is preventing you from moving on. Please seek therapy!

 

you know what. this is the way i feel and i don't think anything will stop me from feeling this way. i also don't like that your one piece of advice is therapy because it doesn't help everyone.

[katrina1980]

But I always have feelings for the guy and they never have them for me. I thought things were different this time. He did all the things a guy does when they really liked someone. I don't ever want to fall in love again if I am only going to get hurt. I don't think I will after him. He was so special to me.

Also, I am not always been pleasant around him because I can't. I can barely look him in the eyes. He probably thinks I'm being rude or mean to him, which he doesn't deserve but I am so hurt.

 

edit: i can maybe accept loving him from a far but I feel like part of that for me would be to be more pleasant around him. I just can't imagine talking (or even dancing) with him without feeling emotional

 

Well no one said it's not gonna hurt pink. Yes of course it hurts, it hurts like hell, life hurts!

 

I cried my eyes out when I finally let it sink in the man I spoke about in my first post didn't want me. It was only a short "relationship" but I became quite emotionally attached to him.

 

I didn't fight those painful feelings, I allowed myself to experience them, all the pain, and eventually it lifted.

 

As John Gray says, I allowed myself to experience those feelings, to eventually be released.

 

This may sound weird, but I released the pain, but not the love. The love is still there, not as intense as it once was, but it's still there on some level and probably always will be.

 

You will too, I promise you! But it's gonna take time, be patient with yourself.

 

STOP telling yourself things like you will never get over him, or love again, or want to love again, blah blah.

 

That's your PAIN talking.

 

He may have been your first great love, but I assure you he will NOT be the last.

 

Look pink, I don't have time to get into all the pain, heartship, and frankly bullshyt I have experienced in my life, but if I can move on from all of that, you can too.

 

Keep telling yourself that, you'll be okay.

[pink334]

Well no one said it's not gonna hurt pink. Yes of course it hurts, it hurts like hell, life hurts!

 

I cried my eyes out when I finally let it sink in the man I spoke about in my first post didn't want me. It was only a short "relationship" but I became quite emotionally attached to him.

 

I didn't fight those painful feelings, I allowed myself to experience them, all the pain, and eventually it lifted.

 

As John Gray says, I allowed myself to experience those feelings, to eventually be released.

 

This may sound weird, but I released the pain, but not the love. The love is still there, not as intense as it once was, but it's still there on some level and probably always will be.

 

You will too, I promise you! But it's gonna take time, be patient with yourself.

 

STOP telling yourself things like you will never get over him, or love again, or want to love again, blah blah.

 

That's your PAIN talking.

 

He may have been your first great love, but I assure you he will NOT be the last.

 

Look pink, I don't have time to get into all the pain, heartship, and frankly bullshyt I have experienced in my life, but if I can move on from all of that, you can too.

 

Keep telling yourself that, you'll be okay.

 

it already took me a lot of personal reflection to allow myself to develop feelings for him. i once in an emotionally abusive relationship with a guy who i think i loved. I do not have it in my heart to feel like that for someone else again. He will be the only person and if he doesn't want me then I will accept being alone. thank you for your time.

[katrina1980]

Nevermind, changed my mind after reading pink's last post.

 

Good luck pink wish you the best.

[bluecastle]

Here's what I would do, given the feelings you have—about him, about therapy, about life.

 

Accept that he's the best man for you, that you'll love him forever, that you'll never meet someone this perfect again, that you don't even want to, because you and him are meant to be. No point fighting all that, since you've said it's true. So live that truth, fully. Indulge it without apology.

 

Follow him on social media, keep up with his life through scrolling. Like some photos, comment on stories. Reach out to him when you feel like it; heck reach out to him right now, instead of posting about him here. Ask how he's doing, how his health stuff is panning out, if he wants to meet up. Stay in his life, in any way, at all costs.

 

Maybe he comes around, sorts himself out, sees things in the way you do, feels for you how you feel for him. Maybe he doesn't. Neither of those change the truth you're finding comfort in right now. So cool: that comfort is there.

 

In time maybe that truth changes. In another month, or five, or a year, maybe you don't feel the way you do now. Maybe social media isn't enough, or maybe he's not receptive to your overtures. Maybe someone bumps into you while you're buying stamps and—presto—you're shocked to find yourself interested and open to getting to know a new person.

 

Or maybe not. All good, because it just means this is the truth you're meant to live. So live it, enjoy it.

[katrina1980]

Here's what I would do, given the feelings you have—about him, about therapy, about life.

 

Accept that he's the best man for you, that you'll love him forever, that you'll never meet someone this perfect again, that you don't even want to, because you and him are meant to be. No point fighting all that, since you've said it's true. So live that truth, fully. Indulge it without apology.

 

Follow him on social media, keep up with his life through scrolling. Like some photos, comment on stories. Reach out to him when you feel like it; heck reach out to him right now, instead of posting about him here. Ask how he's doing, how his health stuff is panning out, if he wants to meet up. Stay in his life, in any way, at all costs.

 

Maybe he comes around, sorts himself out, sees things in the way you do, feels for you how you feel for him. Maybe he doesn't. Neither of those change the truth you're finding comfort in right now. So cool: that comfort is there.

 

In time maybe that truth changes. In another month, or five, or a year, maybe you don't feel the way you do now. Maybe social media isn't enough, or maybe he's not receptive to your overtures. Maybe someone bumps into you while you're buying stamps and—presto—you're shocked to find yourself interested and open to getting to know a new person.

 

Or maybe not. All good, because it just means this is the truth you're meant to live. So live it, enjoy it.

 

At first I thought bluecastle's post was sarcasm, until I read further and realized it was not.

 

It's sort of the same thing I said, and emphasizes ACCEPTANCE. Stop fighting the feelings, stop being angry at yourself for having those feelings, and stop being angry at him for not.

 

And just accept them, own them, all of it. And be happy.

 

It's your truth and that's OKAY.

[pink334]

Accept that he's the best man for you, that you'll love him forever, that you'll never meet someone this perfect again, that you don't even want to, because you and him are meant to be. No point fighting all that, since you've said it's true. So live that truth, fully. Indulge it without apology. All good, because it just means this is the truth you're meant to live. So live it, enjoy it.

 

At first I thought bluecastle's post was sarcasm, until I read further and realized it was not.

 

It's sort of the same thing I said, and emphasizes ACCEPTANCE. Stop fighting the feelings, stop being angry at yourself for having those feelings, and stop being angry at him for not.

 

And just accept them, own them, all of it. And be happy.

 

It's your truth and that's OKAY.

 

Yeah I am really angry at myself. I am not angry at him but I do wish he could have done some stuff differently. He was bad at communicating and sometimes I wasn't the best either. I am angry about that and I feel like I didn't do enough to keep him. I still don't know if he is actually moving or not and a part of me wonders if that was the issue for the break up. He pretty much broke up with me saying that he was moving but then said that he didn't know if he was moving. Bad communication on his part. And I guess that is the one question I have for him but I don't want to ask and find out differently so maybe I just still have to wait. I do still very much love him and wish things could have been different. I wish we could start over because things were really good.

Someone told me that some people just don't deal well with the unknown so maybe that is really why he broke up with me. I know he did like me because why else would he date me.

I just thought eventually things would get easier and it hasn't so I feel like I have to do something. I don't know if that's by reaching out or smiling over at him or what.

[pink334]

And I know people on here mean the best and our being upfront about it. But you don't know my whole story. You can't fathom why I feel this way about life because you haven't lived my life.

[katrina1980]

 

I just thought eventually things would get easier and it hasn't so I feel like I have to do something. I don't know if that's by reaching out or smiling over at him or what.

 

Actually despite agreeing with bluecastle's post, I think it's the opposite. I think the best thing you can do right now, is NOTHING.

 

The best thing for him too. It will allow him to experience life without you and to [possibly] miss you. Wonder about you, wonder why you're not falling to pieces, even though you are, but he doesn't have to know that, nor should he.

 

pink, I don't say this to hurt you but it seems like your nature is to hold on to things tightly, too tightly; I mean even now you're holding on too tightly even though you're broken up.

 

Have you ever considered the possibility that one reason why these guys don't develop the same feelings for you as you do for them is because you do tend to hold on so tightly? It's suffocating pink, and in the early stages can be a turn off.

 

I mean, if you're still holding on this tightly while broken up, I shudder to think how tightly you held on to him while actually dating him!

 

Again, not trying to hurt you more than you already are, just something for you to consider as you move forward.

[katrina1980]

And I know people on here mean the best and our being upfront about it. But you don't know my whole story. You can't fathom why I feel this way about life because you haven't lived my life.

 

Okay fair enough, then may I ask why you started this thread? It appears it wasn't for any sort of help or feedback, being that none of us know you, so couldn't possibly understand or help you (according to you).

 

If it was simply to vent your feelings, that's fine, but know there is a journal section for doing just that.

 

Perhaps this thread should be moved there? That way no one will feel inclined to respond, unless you ask.

 

It will be your own personal journal.

[pink334]

Actually despite agree with bluecastle's post, I think it's the opposite. I think the best thing you can do right now, is NOTHING.

 

The best thing for him too. It will allow him to experience life without you and to [possibly] miss you. Wonder about you, wonder why you're not falling pieces, even though you are, but he doesn't have to know that, nor should he.

 

pink, I don't say this to hurt you but it seems like your nature is to hold on to things tightly, too tightly; I mean even now you're holding on too tightly even though you're broken up.

 

Have you ever considered the possibility that one reason why these guys want to move on from you is because you tend to hand on so tightly?

 

I mean, if you're still holding on this tightly, I shudder to think how tightly you held on to him while actually dating him!

 

Again, not trying to hurt you more than you already are, just something for you to consider as you move forward.

 

Actually my boyfriends would probably think the exact opposite of me holding on too tightly. Lately, I have wondered if that is the difficulty I face in relationships. It is hard for me to be the first to text etc.. To them I probably look indifferent or not so into them when really I do like them. I think it probably takes me a lot longer than most girls to feel comfortable doing that stuff. I wouldn't say I move slower, I just get nervous when I like someone and overthink that stuff. I think then I overcompensate after the relationship with the emotions I feel.

I did break up with a 2 year relationship and never thought about him afterwards though and the first guy I ever dated (who also broke up with me) I never even thought about trying to get back so who knows. Might just depend on the situation.

 

It's been already a few months though. I'm sure he missed me near the start of the break up and he probably wonders how I'm doing now. I just think that at this point too much time has passed. But then again stuff did happen in between. Like with him traveling and then dealing with his health so then again maybe something could still happen. I have had a rough couple months as well. At one point I think I was getting better but then something else happened in my life. I got upset about that event and then even more upset about the break up afterwards. It has been exhausting.

[pink334]

Okay fair enough, then may I ask why you started this thread? It appears it wasn't for any sort of help or feedback, being that none of us know you, so couldn't possibly understand or help you (according to you).

 

If it was simply to vent your feelings, that's fine, but know there is a journal section for doing just that.

 

Perhaps this thread should be moved there? That way no one will feel inclined to respond, unless you ask.

 

It will be your own personal journal.

 

Most people just tell me to keep unintentionally ignoring him but that actually makes me feel worse.

[katrina1980]

I will leave you with one last thought pink, then I gotta run.

 

There is a recurrent theme in all your posts, and that is "fear."

 

Please, don't allow fear to control you because fear can be all consuming and has the potential of eventually destroying all your relationships and your life.

 

I know you're against therapy, and agree it probably won't help you get over this guy, but what it might help you with is gaining insight into your behavior, why you make the choices you make, why you've become so fearful and why you allow that fear to control your decisions and your life, including relationships.

[pink334]

I will leave you with one last thought pink, then I gotta run.

 

There is a recurrent theme in all your posts, and that is "fear."

 

Please, don't allow fear to control you because fear can be all consuming and has the potential of eventually destroying all your relationships and your life.

 

I know you're against therapy, and agree it probably won't help you get over this guy, but what it might help you with is gaining insight into your behavior, why you make the choices you make, why you've become so fearful and why you allow that fear to control your decisions and your life, including relationships.

 

well that's probably because I have faced a lot of rejection, disappointment, and hard times in my life. Then every time I try to go forwards anyways like this happens to me. I have been to therapy before and honestly I would go again if it had been helpful. But evidently it has not been otherwise I would probably be in a happy relationship right now or at least not dealing with these emotions

[bluecastle]

I'm not sure what you've been through, but rejection, disappointment, and hard times do not have to lead to a fear-based mode of processing things. Much of life, at least from what I've gathered in 39 years, is rejection, disappointment, and hard times.

 

Lord knows I've got some good stories—and wounds—from stuff like that. Name an arrow that can cut into the heart, and odds are its found me. But I'm not scared of more, because I just don't want to be guided by fear. I think that's a choice we make far more than it's the result of trauma. Indeed, it's a choice some of us make to cope with trauma, but it has its limitations.

 

I think when you see people on here suggesting therapy what they're seeing is that maybe your coping mechanisms aren't really helping you cope. This happens, from time to time, and we need to reset the scales. Maybe it's not therapy for you, but it might be worth questioning if you'd like to find an approach to hardship that is not fear-based.

[katrina1980]

Well pink, all this negativity, whether it’s justified or not, isn’t getting or taking you anywhere except down.

 

It’s really a choice, you can choose to be miserable for the rest of life, holding tightly to all the crap you’ve experienced and wallowing in self-pity OR you can choose to take steps to HEAL and be happy.

 

You think you’re the only one who has been through what you have? The only one who’s ever been dumped, rejected, misled, hurt, deceived, cheated on, lied to, shyt on?

 

The answer to that is NO, as I said, I won’t even go into all the bullshyt I’ve experienced but it’s A LOT! I bet way more than you even. Many MANY others have too.

 

Unlike you however, I choose to NOT wallow in self-pity and negativity, I choose to see that glass half-full. I am strong and resilient and I choose to bounce back, to own my mistakes, to learn from them, to grow, to evolve.

 

And to FORGIVE. Yes I said forgive. Those who I felt had done me wrong, I forgive and MOVE ON.

 

That does not mean I forget, but I forgive, why? For ME. So I don't become jaded and bitter, as so many people choose to do. Which bitterness holds them back from enjoying life and being happy.

 

Like you I am also not a huge believer in therapy and have voiced that on this forum on many threads. I didn’t find it helpful either.

 

But I learned to help myself in other ways; I did lots or reading, not cheesy self-help books but solid reputable books about inter-personal relationships and life in general, by reputable authors. I took up Yoga, which calms me and centers me, I surround myself with positive people and reject the negative ones.

 

I choose to see positive instead of negative with respect to everything I experience!

 

This was all a CHOICE I made and boy am I happy I did. I am not going to say I still don’t struggle sometimes, cause I do, but I am happy. I have a beautiful boyfriend, we work through the ups and downs and come out the other side stronger.

 

Now you might say, well no guy ever sticks with me, and I say because you are so damn negative! I mean no disrespect but your negativity and self-pity is literally dripping from your pores; we can all see it dripping on this forum in nearly every post you write.

 

And trust me no matter how hard you try to hide by acting indifferent or however you act, these men can see it! They can sense it from your energy. You can't hide your energy pink no matter how hard you try.

 

Again, not trying to be mean or hurt you, but we’ve tried to help you kindly and compassionately and still you choose to see nothing but negative.

 

Yes it IS exhausting, you are absolutely right! And not just for you either, but for everyone in your life, those who choose to stick around, that is.

 

Again, it's your choice. Live it, own it, however you deem fit.

 

And if you choose misery over happiness, that's your choice too, and if that's the case, if that's your truth, then own it and accept it.

 

But if you choose happiness, then for the love of *, stop whining about it and take steps to achieve it!

[Cope]

Pink, you've gotten great advice! Our stories are so similar,I'm even benefiting from the advice you got!

 

I agree with Katrina and bluecastle. Acceptance is the key. Accept all your feelings, negative and positive. Feel them and sit with them, don't think, just feel, if that makes sense. I believe you, you will probably always love him, just try not to act on it because, by the facts you have now, he doesn't want to be with you and that itself, makes a relationship not possible by definition.

 

If you think you can handle contacting him now without getting drawn back in and ending up obsessing more over him, then do it. I'm also thinking about contacting my ex, because I lived through all of the emotions and anger has subsided. I'm not sure I can handle it yet, so that's what's holding me back. As for hopes of reconciliation, let's assume that my ex realized he made a mistake, even though all evidence proves otherwise, I can't go back to a person who ditched me twice without even being able to communicate and give me a chance to work through our problems. That right there is a sign that our communication was off, and even if we do get back together right now, it'll still probably be off.

 

What helps me not indulge in thoughts and hopes of getting back together, is thinking that if it's gonna happen, it'll take years. This way my anxiety goes down,I stop wanting him NOW, and stop obsessing about him, and also I'm true to my feelings, which are still there, even if they're not as strong as when we were together. If it's meant to be, it will be. I know that by the time those years pass, my feelings will most likely have passed too.

 

Another thing that helps me, and this is proven, every next guy is a bit better than the last, so if I met and fell for this ex, I can't imagine how amazing the next one will be.

 

Until then, I'm working on myself for myself. Relationships are bonuses in life, that's how I see them. I need to solve my insecurities first, make a lovely life for me and then find someone to share it with. At the same time I'm working on me regarding my issues on how I act in relationships and why I keep getting attached to unavailable men. Therapy is helping me so much on this.

 

I get why some people are against therapy, but if you've only tried it once, with one therapist, I strongly recommend you try it again, but try several therapists before you decide which one suits you. I was also kinda against therapy as I had already been to two therapists and saw no progress. Found huge success in the third. It's CBT therapy, if that helps. It's not only about the method they use though, it's also about the chemistry with the therapist themselves.

 

Anyway, I can so much relate to what you're going through, it's uncanny. All of us here indeed have good intentions, and indeed, we don't know your whole story, in the end, it's your call. Trust your instincts.

[pink334]

 

Now you might say, well no guy ever sticks with me, and I say because you are so damn negative! I mean no disrespect but your negativity and self-pity is literally dripping from your pores; we can all see it dripping on this forum in nearly every post you write.

 

And trust me no matter how hard you try to hide by acting indifferent or however you act, these men can see it! They can sense it from your energy. You can't hide your energy pink no matter how hard you try.

 

Again, not trying to be mean or hurt you, but we’ve tried to help you kindly and compassionately and still you choose to see nothing but negative.

 

Yes it IS exhausting, you are absolutely right! And not just for you either, but for everyone in your life, those who choose to stick around, that is.

 

Again, it's your choice. Live it, own it, however you deem fit.

 

And if you choose misery over happiness, that's your choice too, and if that's the case, if that's your truth, then own it and accept it.

 

But if you choose happiness, then for the love of *, stop whining about it and take steps to achieve it!

 

I'm actually really bubbly and happy in person. No one can even imagine me being upset and they all tell me this. That's what most people and guys like about me, But I cannot stop being unhappy about this situation. I even had to see him today and I could barely smile around him. I tried to but I can't even pretend. I really want things to be ok between us but what I really think I need is an apology or something from him which I don't think I'll get when I can barely look at him. I'm not angry at him but I am so unhappy with the situation

[pink334]

Pink, you've gotten great advice! Our stories are so similar,I'm even benefiting from the advice you got!

 

I agree with Katrina and bluecastle. Acceptance is the key. Accept all your feelings, negative and positive. Feel them and sit with them, don't think, just feel, if that makes sense. I believe you, you will probably always love him, just try not to act on it because, by the facts you have now, he doesn't want to be with you and that itself, makes a relationship not possible by definition.

 

If you think you can handle contacting him now without getting drawn back in and ending up obsessing more over him, then do it. I'm also thinking about contacting my ex, because I lived through all of the emotions and anger has subsided. I'm not sure I can handle it yet, so that's what's holding me back. As for hopes of reconciliation, let's assume that my ex realized he made a mistake, even though all evidence proves otherwise, I can't go back to a person who ditched me twice without even being able to communicate and give me a chance to work through our problems. That right there is a sign that our communication was off, and even if we do get back together right now, it'll still probably be off.

 

What helps me not indulge in thoughts and hopes of getting back together, is thinking that if it's gonna happen, it'll take years. This way my anxiety goes down,I stop wanting him NOW, and stop obsessing about him, and also I'm true to my feelings, which are still there, even if they're not as strong as when we were together. If it's meant to be, it will be. I know that by the time those years pass, my feelings will most likely have passed too.

 

Another thing that helps me, and this is proven, every next guy is a bit better than the last, so if I met and fell for this ex, I can't imagine how amazing the next one will be.

 

Until then, I'm working on myself for myself. Relationships are bonuses in life, that's how I see them. I need to solve my insecurities first, make a lovely life for me and then find someone to share it with. At the same time I'm working on me regarding my issues on how I act in relationships and why I keep getting attached to unavailable men. Therapy is helping me so much on this.

 

I get why some people are against therapy, but if you've only tried it once, with one therapist, I strongly recommend you try it again, but try several therapists before you decide which one suits you. I was also kinda against therapy as I had already been to two therapists and saw no progress. Found huge success in the third. It's CBT therapy, if that helps. It's not only about the method they use though, it's also about the chemistry with the therapist themselves.

 

Anyway, I can so much relate to what you're going through, it's uncanny. All of us here indeed have good intentions, and indeed, we don't know your whole story, in the end, it's your call. Trust your instincts.

 

Yeah what we're going through sounds similar I do agree with what you said about. I agree that it would be hard for us to get back together and like you said about your situation. Here too communication was bad before both breakups. I do not understand what happened either time.

I think it will take years to make things right with him or for me to even meet another guy if I somehow decide to date again. This guy has raised my standards so high.

I have been sitting with my feelings for months though and with more time that passes, I just feel like things are getting worse. I feel like the only way to make it better is by talking to him. Especially because we run into each other all the time. But I don't want to have a conversation and just hear stuff like "you'll find someone else... blahblahblah" because those are not the things I want to hear and hearing them will not make things better for me. If I wanted someone else, I would have broken up with him. I still feel bad about some things that were said during the break up on both of our sides and I feel guilty and mad about them. I have never reacted so badly, it really isn't in my character. I almost never get mad

[pink334]

I'm not sure what you've been through, but rejection, disappointment, and hard times do not have to lead to a fear-based mode of processing things. Much of life, at least from what I've gathered in 39 years, is rejection, disappointment, and hard times.

 

Lord knows I've got some good stories—and wounds—from stuff like that. Name an arrow that can cut into the heart, and odds are its found me. But I'm not scared of more, because I just don't want to be guided by fear. I think that's a choice we make far more than it's the result of trauma. Indeed, it's a choice some of us make to cope with trauma, but it has its limitations.

 

I think when you see people on here suggesting therapy what they're seeing is that maybe your coping mechanisms aren't really helping you cope. This happens, from time to time, and we need to reset the scales. Maybe it's not therapy for you, but it might be worth questioning if you'd like to find an approach to hardship that is not fear-based.

 

Up until the second break up I was living positively and believed my hardships made me into the better person I am today. I still live positively in every aspect now except relationships. Now I think my hardships messed me up. If I never had my hardships then maybe things would have worked with this guy because then I would have had nothing to worry about.

[Capricorn3]

Thread has run its course.