Girlfriend met her colleague outside office on coffee without my knowledge.

[bluecastle]

What kind of karma do you think comes from making the conscious choice to hurt someone? What kind of peace comes from allowing rage to be your navigator?

 

You're constructing a very simple story right now that feeds your rage, rewards your anger. In this story you are saint and she is a sinner. Minus the most extreme of situations—a relationship in which someone is, I don't know, chained to a radiator and beaten—this is never the true story.

 

The story I see here? You're dating someone who was still a little hung up on her ex, who poked around on social media here and there in ways that bothered you. Pedestrian stuff, frankly. You talked to her about this. She didn't change. You stayed with her—a choice you made.

 

Now you're mad at yourself for making that choice, because you didn't get the reward you wanted, and you're deflecting that anger onto her. That anger—at yourself—has magnified over time, come to define you to the point where you are more interested in finding ways to support your idea that she is a sinner—and you are the wronged saint—that you're going through her digital footprint like a glue-sniffing CIA agent. It's all gotten so out of whack that her having coffee with a man is enough to make you rationalize having sex with someone to hurt her?

 

In that story there are no saints and sinners, just two people who really, really do not function well together, who have repeatedly proven that they bring out the worst, not best, in the other. Healthy people move away from dysfunction and toward functionality. Unhealthy people double (and triple, and quadruple) down on dysfunction. Right now you are not exhibiting healthy behavior. As for her behavior? That is something you have no control over, never did, never will. But you? You get to decide who you want to be.

 

Sound lofty? I'll get personal. I've been cheated on, by which I don't mean she searched for an ex on Instagram and had coffee with a co-worker without telling me. I mean she had sex with two men while being my girlfriend. That was not fun. Other fun chapters in my pursuit of romance? I've been hit, had a woman draw blood from my face.

 

My reaction to both those things? To walk away, accepting I'd gotten tangled up in something deeply painful and dysfunctional and that meant it was time to walk toward function. I did not "cheat back." I did not "hit back." That's not who I am, not a man I ever want to be, not a definition of "equality" I ever want to entertain for a microsecond.

 

You want to call that philosophy? Fine. I call it being decent, being able to look at myself in the mirror without seeing something I hate in the reflection. Sh*t happens, as the bumper stickers say. It's who were are when it happens to us that defines us.

[katrina1980]

Cz she promised she was damn serious about this. And now when she is not, and kinda cheating, revenge is what I want to take on her. Thank you sir for your valuable reply.

 

Taking a coffee break with a male work mate is not cheating, nor is it kinda cheating.

 

And anyone who considers it cheating (in this case you) has some serious issues with insecurity and control.

 

People in relationships, even serious relationships as I am, are "allowed" to take coffee breaks with their work mates.

 

And shudders, they're even "allowed" to have lunch together from time to time, again they're work mates.

 

This is a very "normal" (for lack of a better word) for people to do. Whether in a relationship or not.

 

The fact he is male is totally irrelevant and your issue to deal with and resolve, not hers.

 

Again, I strongly advise professional help cause if you expect your partners to isolate themselves from others in order to appease or placate you, you will be losing a lot of girlfriends, if not all of them eventually, as it appears you have done with your current one.

[spartan99]

Taking a coffee break with a male work mate is not cheating, nor is it kinda cheating.

 

And anyone who considers it cheating (in this case you) has some serious issues with insecurity and control.

 

People in relationships, even serious relationships as I am, are "allowed" to take coffee breaks with their work mates.

 

And shudders, they're even "allowed" to have lunch together from time to time, again they're work mates.

 

This is a very "normal" (for lack of a better word) for people to do. Whether in a relationship or not.

 

The fact he is male is totally irrelevant and your issue to deal with and resolve, not hers.

 

Again, I strongly advise professional help cause if you expect your partners to isolate themselves from others in order to appease or placate you, you will be losing a lot of girlfriends, if not all of them eventually, as it appears you have done with your current one.

 

Coffee breaks at work? Or outside work? Be specific, miss.

[katrina1980]

Pro-help? She has been blaming me for all this whenever I ask her why she is doing this to me.

 

Good luck with your further judgement.

 

spartan, I just have one last question for ya, then I'll go away.

 

If your daughter or sister (if you have one) were dating a man whom you discovered wanted to "torture and assault" her (your words), or otherwise take revenge on her for doing something as innocent as taking a coffee break with a male work colleague, or anything else for matter, would you not be extremely troubled by that?

 

"Judge not, lest ye be judged."

 

Yes I am judging you, just as you are judging me now for my opinion.

 

My question was rhetorical, but please at least think about it, because despite what you think of my "judgment", it is troubling, very troubling.

[katrina1980]

Coffee breaks at work? Or outside work? Be specific, miss.

 

Outside of work. Like across the street at the coffee shop!

 

Or lunch at a restaurant down the block during their lunch break.

 

What's your issue with this? Serious question, I am NOT getting it!

 

Do you not trust her? To so something as innocuous as having coffee with a work mate at a local coffee shop outside the office?

 

If not why the heck are you dating her?

 

Please enlighten me! I am totally lost on your mindset about this.

[spartan99]

spartan, I just have one last question for ya, then I'll go away.

 

If your daughter or sister (if you have one) were dating a man whom you discovered wanted to "torture and assault" her (your words), or otherwise take revenge on her for doing something as innocent as taking a coffee break with a male work colleague, or anything else for matter, would you not be extremely troubled by that?

 

"Judge not, lest ye be judged."

 

Yes I am judging you, just as you are judging me now for my opinion.

 

My question was rhetorical, but please at least think about it, because despite what you think of my "judgment", it is troubling, very troubling.

 

What about the girls who is blaming me for that? Have you read everything I wrote in this thread? Stop making it up by putting words in a sequence that suits you to prove me an assaulter.

[katrina1980]

What about the girls who is blaming me for that? Have you read everything I wrote in this thread? Stop making it up by putting words in a sequence that suits you to prove me an assaulter.

 

sparten, if you wish to converse with me, please speak to me in a respectful manner. If a missed something, I apologize, but there is a way to address that without accusing me of "putting words in a sequence that suits you to prove me an assaulter."

 

You may not have liked or agreed with my posts, but I've been respectful to you and would appreciate the same courtesy in return.

 

Again, I apologize if I misunderstood, I will go back and read again for clarity.

 

Edit: And if you're inclined, please respond to my post no. 30 because I am really confused by this, thanks.

[spartan99]

sparten, if you wish to converse with me, please speak to me in a respectful manner. If a missed something, I apologize, but there is a way to address that without accusing me of "putting words in a sequence that suits you to prove me an assaulter."

 

You may not have liked or agreed with my posts, but I've been respectful to you and would appreciate the same courtesy in return.

 

Again, I apologize if I misunderstood, I will go back and read again for clarity.

 

Edit: And if you're inclined, please respond to my post no. 30 because I am really confused by this, thanks.

 

Are you her bf or prison warden? Good grief.

 

My advice? Break up w this girl and get yourself some professional help.

 

That were your words for me, ma'am. You too could have been a bit respectful in the first place. Thanks though.

[katrina1980]

That were your words for me, ma'am. You too could have been a bit respectful in the first place. Thanks though.

 

I fail to see how advising you to seek professional help was disrespectful, however, if you considered it disrespectful, that's your prerogative; I'm not you, and as such, could not even begin to perceive things the way you do.

 

In any event, obviously there is no point in my continuing to respond trying to help you, and it's also quite clear you have no desire to let us all in your mindset about being bothered by your gf taking a coffee break with a male work colleague, so on that note spartan, I am signing off and wish you the best.

[spartan99]

I fail to see how advising you to seek professional help was disrespectful, however, if you considered it disrespectful, that's your prerogative; I'm not you, and as such, could not even begin to perceive things the way you do.

 

In any event, obviously there is no point in my continuing to respond trying to help you, and it's also quite clear you have no desire to let us all in your mindset about being bothered by your gf taking a coffee break with a male work colleague, so on that note spartan, I am signing off and wish you the best.

 

Same here. I'm not you. I wasn't disrespectful. Good day to you.

[j.man]

Ah, yes. The Spartans. Known for their ferocity in battle as well as their unrivaled pettiness in LDRs.

 

Put the sword and shield down, tiger. It'll be alright.

[Rabican]

Sorry MissCanuck, but I'm so done with manliness, manners, and morals. Nothing seems to help right now. I'll show her what a heartache feels like.

 

Crazy much??

 

Honestly dude grow up. You met a girl, it ain't working out, move on. Lose the captain creeper routine... You're solidifying exactly why your girl is out with other guys. Platonically or not... At your first message I was on your side now I realize... Cookoocookoo!