"no chemistry" date fails again and again

[katrina1980]

Hey RKO, it appears you’re currently experiencing what many people (men and women) experience from time to time, you’re in a “slump.” It’s when your energy is low, and as such, you’re not attracting as many women as you’re used to, or have in the past, or you’d like.

 

I mean have you ever noticed when your energy is high, you’re attracting women, having sex, or have a girlfriend, the more women you tend to attract? You’re not even trying, it’s easy, it’s natural.

 

That’s cause your energy is HIGH and when it’s high like that, you don’t even need to try, your high energy, including sexual, just oozes from your pores, naturally.

 

THIS is what attracts women, high positive energy, high confidence. And the irony is, the more you get “rejected” (for lack of a better word) the lower your energy and confidence gets, and thus the less women you will attract; it can be a vicious cycle that’s hard to break.

 

I keep saying this but our energy is what attracts people, that’s what chemistry is, an energy generating between both people. But in order to attract, one must have good positive energy, it trumps everything else imo, job, car, house, status, even looks.

 

I will be honest with you, you are not gonna attract women in your current mindframe. It’s clear just from reading yours posts on this thread, your energy and confidence are super low and negative.

 

You keep saying you did something “wrong,” no you didn’t do anything “wrong,” it’s your energy. It’s low right now, negative.

 

And you need to somehow build it up. Try and change your mind frame. You’ve attracted some great beautiful women in the past, had some great relationships, you need to tell yourself you can and will do that again! That you are a hot guy with charm and personality, great job, with tons going for ya. When you’re out on dates, stop trying so hard, let them see the essence of who you are, stemming from your high energy and confidence.

 

You're probably gonna say, oh no my energy is high on dates! I am in a good mood, I'm open and talkative. Well, you may put on a good show, but it's clear just from this thread, your energy is low. I can sense, it and if I can sense it on line, you can be sure women are sensing it too.

 

Our energy isn't tangible, but people can sense it. Sense when it's high or low.

 

Lastly (apologies if this is getting too long), I echo Billie. Make dating fun! Don’t go into it like you must make a connection, a woman must be attracted to you and want to date you; instead look at it like you’re meeting a woman and simply let it play out. Relax and have fun and don’t allow yourself to get too attached to the outcome.

 

Like Billie, I have had some fun terrific dates, lots of chat, lots of laugh, but walked away not feeling that “something” that many women (and men) want to feel. Again, that energy.

 

And I’ve had men question me too when I didn’t want to date them again. Like you, most didn’t quite get it.

 

Also, something to look for. At least in my experiences, when the energy/chemistry was there in full force between us , there was not always such an easy flow of communique; reason for that was it was replaced by a certain “tension;” there have been times the tension was so high I couldn’t even speak!!

 

I felt that way when I met my current boyfriend for the first time. And it happened with my long term ex.

 

Anyway, that’s my take FWIW.

 

Hope things pick up for you soon, good luck!

[RKO]

Do you stay sober on these first meets? I ask because you'd posted before about liking to go out drinking with your friends fairly regularly -if my memory serves me.

Yes I stay sober because I drive to these dates.

 

And no it was you that presumed that me going out during a period when I had friends weddings and birthdays on successive weekends to having a "drinking problem" haha

[RKO]

Hey RKO, it appears you’re currently experiencing what many people (men and women) experience from time to time, you’re in a “slump.” It’s when your energy is low, and as such, you’re not attracting as many women as you’re used to, or have in the past, or you’d like.

 

I mean have you ever noticed when your energy is high, you’re attracting women, having sex, or have a girlfriend, the more women you tend to attract? You’re not even trying, it’s easy, it’s natural.

 

That’s cause your energy is HIGH and when it’s high like that, you don’t even need to try, your high energy, including sexual, just oozes from your pores, naturally.

 

THIS is what attracts women, high positive energy, high confidence. And the irony is, the more you get “rejected” (for lack of a better word) the lower your energy and confidence gets, and thus the less women you will attract; it can be a vicious cycle that’s hard to break.

 

I keep saying this but our energy is what attracts people, that’s what chemistry is, an energy generating between both people. But in order to attract, one must have good positive energy, it trumps everything else imo, job, car, house, status, even looks.

 

I will be honest with you, you are not gonna attract women in your current mindframe. It’s clear just from reading yours posts on this thread, your energy and confidence are super low and negative.

 

You keep saying you did something “wrong,” no you didn’t do anything “wrong,” it’s your energy. It’s low right now, negative.

 

And you need to somehow build it up. Try and change your mind frame. You’ve attracted some great beautiful women in the past, had some great relationships, you need to tell yourself you can and will do that again! That you are a hot guy with charm and personality, great job, with tons going for ya. When you’re out on dates, stop trying so hard, let them see the essence of who you are, stemming from your high energy and confidence.

 

You're probably gonna say, oh no my energy is high on dates! I am in a good mood, I'm open and talkative. Well, you may put on a good show, but it's clear just from this thread, your energy is low. I can sense, it and if I can sense it on line, you can be sure women are sensing it too.

 

Our energy isn't tangible, but people can sense it. Sense when it's high or low.

 

Lastly (apologies if this is getting too long), I echo Billie. Make dating fun! Don’t go into it like you must make a connection, a woman must be attracted to you and want to date you; instead look at it like you’re meeting a woman and simply let it play out. Relax and have fun and don’t allow yourself to get too attached to the outcome.

 

Like Billie, I have had some fun terrific dates, lots of chat, lots of laugh, but walked away not feeling that “something” that many women (and men) want to feel. Again, that energy.

 

And I’ve had men question me too when I didn’t want to date them again. Like you, most didn’t quite get it.

 

Also, something to look for. At least in my experiences, when the energy/chemistry was there in full force between us , there was not always such an easy flow of communique; reason for that was it was replaced by a certain “tension;” there have been times the tension was so high I couldn’t even speak!!

 

I felt that way when I met my current boyfriend for the first time. And it happened with my long term ex.

 

Anyway, that’s my take FWIW.

 

Hope things pick up for you soon, good luck!

 

Thank you this is a really good post and I appreciate that.

 

I've had dating burnout before, to be fair I'm enjoying it at the minute though, I'm excited to go out and meet someone new and take it from there. Possibly the burnout will come back, we shall see.

 

As you say, just try and remain positive

[katrina1980]

Well it's good you haven't reached "burn out."

 

That's very difficult to come back from, and often requires a long break from dating altogether.

 

Happened to me a couple of years back, so I took a long break, did some traveling, met new people (no dating).

 

When I began dating again, I went on line and met my bf soon after.

 

A slump isn't quite as extreme, and easy to turn around by changing your mind frame and taking steps to increase energy and confidence.

 

So yeah, have fun and enjoy! 15 women isn't all that many.

 

I read an article about a man who met 80 women before finding his match!

 

He married her a year later.

[abitbroken]

I agree that all first meets should be just that -- coffee/tea and lunch are very safe bets - inexpensive, the focus is on conversation, etc. If that goes well, then graduate to a "date" - that could be dinner, that could be an activity, etc. I can't say for sure what you are doing or not doing but i can have a great conversation with someone i am totally not attracted to in any way or something comes up in conversation that's a no go for me (something about their lifestyle, etc). Heck, it could be something out of control like you remind them of their brother or ex. It could be the way he treats the waiter. Or she met someone else for a first meet the day before

 

Keep going out -- but go to lunch, coffee, etc. that's at a "safe time of day" where there is no way you would be trying to take her home with you. And no, don't focus on being flirtatious - i would never have responded to that, especially if it was about my physical appearance.

[saluk]

I'm in year 7, and I do burnout. There are like 3 to 4 months where I'm really trying, and then the rest of the year I may do some swiping but I'm not really into it.

 

I've met a lot of cool people, but it is very rare for me to feel the spark. There were only a couple times in that time that I felt a spark - but she didn't. I think the more you do it, and the more sure you are of what you are looking for, the quicker you notice the spark isn't there and know when not to go forward. Chances are, most of the people you are meeting are experienced daters. So they are going to be quick to move on when they know it's not a good fit. And since most people aren't going to be a good fit...

 

I'm on 4 dates with someone finally. She actually broke one of my slumps, sending me a message when I wasn't really active. She felt the spark very quickly. So did I. We chatted every day for a week, and then when we met there was a spark in person as well. No clue where we will end up but I'm just throwing it up there as another data point for the numbers game theory. I couldn't point to anything substantial about myself or my dating style that let this one land a little further on vs so many 1-2 date fizzles.

 

Right girl, right me, right time. You can't do anything about right girl or right time. You can work on yourself - but make it about wanting to improve things you don't like about yourself rather than trying to somehow make the wrong girl right.

[abitbroken]

I'm in year 7, and I do burnout. There are like 3 to 4 months where I'm really trying, and then the rest of the year I may do some swiping but I'm not really into it.

 

I've met a lot of cool people, but it is very rare for me to feel the spark. There were only a couple times in that time that I felt a spark - but she didn't. I think the more you do it, and the more sure you are of what you are looking for, the quicker you notice the spark isn't there and know when not to go forward. Chances are, most of the people you are meeting are experienced daters. So they are going to be quick to move on when they know it's not a good fit. And since most people aren't going to be a good fit...

 

I'm on 4 dates with someone finally. She actually broke one of my slumps, sending me a message when I wasn't really active. She felt the spark very quickly. So did I. We chatted every day for a week, and then when we met there was a spark in person as well. No clue where we will end up but I'm just throwing it up there as another data point for the numbers game theory. I couldn't point to anything substantial about myself or my dating style that let this one land a little further on vs so many 1-2 date fizzles.

 

Right girl, right me, right time. You can't do anything about right girl or right time. You can work on yourself - but make it about wanting to improve things you don't like about yourself rather than trying to somehow make the wrong girl right.

 

I am wondering - especially reading all sorts of dating threads on here that while it is a numbers game to meet someone, if you online date and meet a large number of people, is there too much pressure on a "spark" on the first date, instead of giving everyone a second date unless major red flags pop up. Also, do you also mix things up by just being out there - volunteering, doing things where you meet people?

[katrina1980]

Do any of you guys approach women in real life? Or is it all online?

 

If not, why not switch it up? Approach in real life too.

 

If you're nervous about cold approaching which I get is difficult, wait for the right opportunity, when it's natural to strike up a convo. If it's going well, ask for her number.

 

You may get shot down, but it's a great way to build confidence nevertheless.

 

Or so I've heard from guys who have the ba**s (confidence) to do it.

[abitbroken]

Do any of you guys approach women in real life? Or is it all online?

 

If not, why not switch it up? Approach in real life too.

 

If you're nervous about cold approaching which I get is difficult, wait for the right opportunity, when it's natural to strike up a convo. If it's going well, ask for her number.

 

You may get shot down, but it's a great way to build confidence nevertheless.

 

Or so I've heard from guys who have the ba**s (confidence) to do it.

 

I agree - but i don't agree with "approaching" i agree with "getting to know" - as in, joining up in activities that would lead to natural conversation. When i read threads about "how should i approach" it always seems to be about guys wanting pick up lines. A woman is more likely to be receptive if she has seen you a few times - whether you frequent the same coffee shop at a similar time to her everyday or are in a discussion or hiking group with her. The "cold open" seldom works

[saluk]

I am wondering - especially reading all sorts of dating threads on here that while it is a numbers game to meet someone, if you online date and meet a large number of people, is there too much pressure on a "spark" on the first date, instead of giving everyone a second date unless major red flags pop up. Also, do you also mix things up by just being out there - volunteering, doing things where you meet people?

 

For certain there are people in the pool who are really looking for a spark right away. You will see every personality type online. As for me I usually go a second time to be sure... but I'll often be sitting there halfway through the second date and have a general feeling of "I really don't want to talk to this person any more". Even if there is nothing actually bad or specifically unattractive I could nail down about them.

 

I would say the issue with online dating is that you see the facts first, and the chemistry you find out later. Both are important, as the facts can help discount people who you would have long term issues with. Meeting in real life is the opposite issue. You can feel a spark at first, and then may find out a red flag late because you forgot to ask the right question. Sometimes the excitement of how you meet can make it easier for things you don't like to hide. Of course online the disclosures can also be false so you do have to take it with a grain of salt.

 

Real life is a great way to meet people but the numbers aren't any better there, and then you have to deal with even more uncertainties like relationship status, willingness to date at all, political compatibility etc. If you get involved in a group, and then exhaust the pool there, what is the result? Now you have another day that is taken up by an event which makes it harder to work in dates. Or you meet someone and it doesn't work out, and then you kind of have to find a new group. Or you meet someone on vacation that you think it wonderful, and then you find yourself flying across the country to find out you don't have long term compatibility Fun times!

 

Still, worth exploring all avenues. Don't get caught up in the ones that don't work out is all I'm saying.

[Batya33]

I am wondering - especially reading all sorts of dating threads on here that while it is a numbers game to meet someone, if you online date and meet a large number of people, is there too much pressure on a "spark" on the first date, instead of giving everyone a second date unless major red flags pop up. Also, do you also mix things up by just being out there - volunteering, doing things where you meet people?

 

When I did it I did not require a spark on the first meet at all. My standard for an official first date was that I had a nice time, I wasn't repulsed, I saw potential for a spark down the line and if I was on the fence my default was to give it a second try. I think I probably had more realistic expectations because for many years before online dating I answered personal ads and was set up on "blind dates" multiple times -and set other people up too.

[tobias613]

Chemistry is definitely key. But I think there are things you can do to increase your chances of chemistry, like pheromones.

[RKO]

So many great replies here thank you.

 

I'm not focusing solely on dating I have a few holidays lined up, coming over to USA for the 1st time ever (bucket list) so very excited about all the positives

 

I do meet people in the real world, for instance got talking to someone after work last Friday, getting on great etc then she started asking advice on some guy she was seeing haha.

 

Where I'm from its hard, you have the too young to date group, the ones that you would date but are spoken for or the slightly older group that have children, something that isn't for me as ideally I'd like a future partner at this time to have no ties so we could travel etc.

 

I'm sure it will come. One day

[Batya33]

So many great replies here thank you.

 

I'm not focusing solely on dating I have a few holidays lined up, coming over to USA for the 1st time ever (bucket list) so very excited about all the positives

 

I do meet people in the real world, for instance got talking to someone after work last Friday, getting on great etc then she started asking advice on some guy she was seeing haha.

 

Where I'm from its hard, you have the too young to date group, the ones that you would date but are spoken for or the slightly older group that have children, something that isn't for me as ideally I'd like a future partner at this time to have no ties so we could travel etc.

 

I'm sure it will come. One day

 

If where you live is hard figure out where you can relocate to be exposed to more single people. No, I am not saying you need to quit your job and move far but if there is a major city not too far consider it. That's what I did. Improved my social and dating life immensely.

[RKO]

If where you live is hard figure out where you can relocate to be exposed to more single people. No, I am not saying you need to quit your job and move far but if there is a major city not too far consider it. That's what I did. Improved my social and dating life immensely.

It's crossed my mind but I love where I live too much, I love the outdoors etc and for me at this time it is perfect apart from the relationship part.

 

If I do go out it is in towns away from here and I do date people up to 1 hours distance , anything else doesn't work for me.

[Batya33]

It's crossed my mind but I love where I live too much, I love the outdoors etc and for me at this time it is perfect apart from the relationship part.

 

If I do go out it is in towns away from here and I do date people up to 1 hours distance , anything else doesn't work for me.

 

Yes. You're entitled to your priorities. Just accept that your choices might limit your dating pool - by your own description, where you live is a bit sparse as far as singles -where I chose to move (and pay a lot more in rent) was teeming with singles and also allowed me to go on weeknight dates even though my work hours were crazy -because much of the time the date was a 10-15 minute walk or public transportation ride from home so I didn't have to factor in travel time. And people were far more likely to invite me to social events because I lived in the neighborhood. They are not bad or good choices- but they are choices. So that when you complain keep in mind the roles you play in limiting your choices. I had to own that too - how I was getting in my own way (and I was! - not geographically but other ways for sure -after all I didn't marry till I was 42, about 20 years after I first wanted to be married).

[RKO]

Strange how things work out really, last night I met someone from near my town in real life that I've never seen before, not even off the internet.

We are going to meet up in the week for a "date" after exchanging numbers etc last night.

 

Might be nothing but thought it was strange after posting this the other day

[Batya33]

Strange how things work out really, last night I met someone from near my town in real life that I've never seen before, not even off the internet.

We are going to meet up in the week for a "date" after exchanging numbers etc last night.

 

Might be nothing but thought it was strange after posting this the other day

 

Great! Just stay realistic as far as expectations.

[RKO]

Had the date, went well, chemistry, really nice time and she asked for a 2nd date.

 

Definitely think that's the end of online dating apps for me, can't beat real world meeting

[maew]

You spoke to them for a week or so and called to see if a meet is warranted.

Don’t do that! Chemistry can only be determined in person.

No phone calls. It’s futile. And ultimately leads to disappointment more often than not.

 

Try to respectfully arrange a meet as soon as you both can and once a time and date arranged, not much contact in between except to confirm the time. When you arrange a meet for even a week away, simply say, looking forward to it, i will Message you the day before to confirm.

 

Agree with this. The last thing I want to do is have stilted conversations over text and phone before meeting in person. Would rather see if we click in person before meeting.

 

OP I feel your pain but you gotta be more resilient if you want to online date... I went on probably 50 meetups in the 3 years I was single and half of them rejected me while the other half were rejected by me. Try going into it without expecting it to go anywhere and then you will be pleasantly surprised if it does. :)

[katrina1980]

And what is the likelihood of that?

That’s exactly why you don’t invest too much time online chatting or a phone call before meeting.

Arrange to meet in a very public place and if a man walks up to you then so be it!

You can’t determine if a woman is missing her front teeth by a phone call?! That actually happened to a friend of mine. Had the online chat and the phone call. Met! She was missing teeth! Out of poor neglect not a recent accident!

 

Girl you need to calm down! Lol . (Teasing ya, I actually love your posts).

 

You make good points however my bf and I messaged for two weeks prior to meeting and I am glad we did!

 

Why? He wasn't such a "stranger" by then, not like he would have been if I'd met him right away without messaging him a bit first, and getting a "feel" for him which I am able to do, even on line.

 

So when we met, there was a certain comfort level there which made the process of meeting a virtual stranger much easier and less anxiety provoking.

 

I understand it's not everone's cup of tea doing it that way, there are pros and cons to both I suppose.

[katrina1980]

Had the date, went well, chemistry, really nice time and she asked for a 2nd date.

 

Definitely think that's the end of online dating apps for me, can't beat real world meeting

 

Good for you RKO! And "she" asked for second date? What a stud.

 

But why give up on line altogether? Do both, and meet ups, events, any venue you can, the more options you have, the better chance of meeting that "right one" for you.

 

I realize you like this girl, but don't cut off options just yet.

 

Continue meeting women, keep options open, it will prevent you from getting too attached to the outcome with this new girl.

 

After a few more dates, if you're really connecting, you can focus on only each other, see how it plays out.

[RKO]

Had the 2nd date, I got the vibes from the off she didn't seem that into it today from some reason, went for food and a walk after.

Could tell something was off compared to the other night.

 

Got home and had the "I see you more as a friend" line.

 

I must be doing something wrong. All week she's seemed really keen, I've in my mind not been too keen, just a good balance.

 

As a poster suggested, I've been speaking to a couple off the apps to not put all eggs in one basket etc, just thinking of a break now though. I can't take this constant rejection

[bluecastle]

I must be doing something wrong. I can't take this constant rejection

 

Sorry to hear.

 

A break might be good, but I'd challenge you to take it not because you "must be doing something wrong" and can't take "this constant rejection." There's just another way of looking at it all, which I think is the more factual and less emotional/fantastical way, and maybe you can take a break to try to cultivate that attitude a bit inside yourself.

 

I mean, what would "right" and "non-rejected" look like? Every woman you meet once or twice being super into you in exactly the way you're into them? And, before you know it, you're in a sweet little "thing" with someone that evolves sweetly into a bigger thing? If that's the standard, or the expectation, it's just a recipe for feeling shredded. It's also a pretty entitled and assumptive outlook, you know?

 

Batya encouraged you to have realistic expectations going into this. Katrina encouraged you to stay on the apps, continue swiping, chatting, and potentially meeting, so you weren't too attached to an outcome here. It seems you're still struggling to find that sweet spot—the place where you can be open and curious without getting too ahead of yourself.

 

It can be genuinely sweet, and fun. I have no idea how many women I went on first dates with before meeting my girlfriend of the past 5 months. Maybe 30 over the past year and a half, if I had to guess. Some from apps, some I met in "real life," some I got hooked up with through friends.

 

Most of those were one to three hangs after which one or both of us didn't feel enough sizzle to keep cooking. But, hey, there was fun in all of that: some good conversations, some kissing, some sex, little glimpses into the potential that's out there that only made me more optimistic. There was also some hurt, some disappointment—well, that's good too. It's life.

 

That is my expectation: that in most cases I, or she, or both won't really be feeling it. That expectation stays pretty firm even if things do progress—say for the first month with someone, on the rare occasion it gets there. That doesn't mean I'm guarded and closed off—kind of the opposite. I'm open to...whatever it's supposed to be, while understanding I have only control over myself, my feelings, my wants, and that a woman's choice to not see me again (be it after coffee or even a fluttery fling) is not a verdict on me (or "rejection" of me) but just her own mystery and agency—feelings and wants that are not for me to understand, because in me she doesn't see the right person to explore them with.

 

It sounds odd, or counterintuitive, but I think if you're genuinely comfortable with it not working out or going anywhere it's that comfort that allows things to progress without pressure.

[RKO]

Cheers for the advice, I feel back to being positive again today, think it's just pride being hurt for a couple of days that's all.

 

I'll carry on with an open mind, I actually don't have time to date now for the next month or so anyway due to holidays so it's an enforced break anyway whilst having a great time having fun.