Mixed signals

[Afireblue]

So the story continues; I received a late night message from him to basically apologize for everything; he said that 'The thing is, I like you a lot. I'm scared of getting attached to someone and then losing them. A lot of people that meant a lot to me F***ed me up big time in my life and made me the person I am now. Not to mention I have a lot on my mind anyway at the moment. I am crap at replying, especially to the people I care about which is selfish and wrong. But I don't want you to F*** off at all, please don't say that'

 

Now I do not know how to respond! Is it me, or is it him? Now I feel rotten!

 

I have been f**ed by people that meant a lot to me I have been cheated and abused by my ex husband, yet I would never use it as an excuse to be an a*hole. Honestly this guy is full of it, so early on showing all this red flags. I am sure you feel good he reached out to you. I don't think he is worth your time.

[Jibralta]

So the story continues; I received a late night message from him to basically apologize for everything; he said that 'The thing is, I like you a lot. I'm scared of getting attached to someone and then losing them. A lot of people that meant a lot to me F***ed me up big time in my life and made me the person I am now. Not to mention I have a lot on my mind anyway at the moment. I am crap at replying, especially to the people I care about which is selfish and wrong. But I don't want you to F*** off at all, please don't say that'

 

Now I do not know how to respond! Is it me, or is it him? Now I feel rotten!

 

How about, "That's too bad. I hope you find a way to get past your fears one day. Best of luck :)"

 

Really, do you want a strong, brave man for a boyfriend or do you want to hold his hand the whole time?

[Perdido1989]

How about, "That's too bad. I hope you find a way to get past your fears one day. Best of luck :)"

 

Really, do you want a strong, brave man for a boyfriend or do you want to hold his hand the whole time?

 

THIS! I do not have time for the latter, no matter how pretty or sweet he is. The worst bit for me is that he says he has a lot going on when I actually, genuinely do have a lot to handle at the moment. It's actually made me angry as if anyone deserves a breakdown right now it is me yet still I stand tall!

 

I responded with the following:

 

'Look, dude, the way you have been of late is not on. Not to sound callous but we all have Sh*t, that's life; that does not grant you a free ticket to be an a**hole to all and sundry. I have my own deep issues to deal with at the moment external to whatever you and I have, and honestly right now I cannot cope with you and your inconsistencies. I would love to have you around but your track record of late is shocking, and unless you're willing to step up and prove yourself wrong, I am all out of emotional capacity for this.'

[Gary Snyder]

Don't feel bad, six weeks of dating is not that bad. Some people are in bad marriages for years!

[Perdido1989]

Don't feel bad, six weeks of dating is not that bad. Some people are in bad marriages for years!

 

When you put it like that.... thank god this happened early on!

[Afireblue]

THIS! I do not have time for the latter, no matter how pretty or sweet he is. The worst bit for me is that he says he has a lot going on when I actually, genuinely do have a lot to handle at the moment. It's actually made me angry as if anyone deserves a breakdown right now it is me yet still I stand tall!

 

I responded with the following:

 

'Look, dude, the way you have been of late is not on. Not to sound callous but we all have Sh*t, that's life; that does not grant you a free ticket to be an a**hole to all and sundry. I have my own deep issues to deal with at the moment external to whatever you and I have, and honestly right now I cannot cope with you and your inconsistencies. I would love to have you around but your track record of late is shocking, and unless you're willing to step up and prove yourself wrong, I am all out of emotional capacity for this.'

 

What did he respond??

[purplepaisley]

THIS! I do not have time for the latter, no matter how pretty or sweet he is. The worst bit for me is that he says he has a lot going on when I actually, genuinely do have a lot to handle at the moment. It's actually made me angry as if anyone deserves a breakdown right now it is me yet still I stand tall!

 

I responded with the following:

 

'Look, dude, the way you have been of late is not on. Not to sound callous but we all have Sh*t, that's life; that does not grant you a free ticket to be an a**hole to all and sundry. I have my own deep issues to deal with at the moment external to whatever you and I have, and honestly right now I cannot cope with you and your inconsistencies. I would love to have you around but your track record of late is shocking, and unless you're willing to step up and prove yourself wrong, I am all out of emotional capacity for this.'

 

My hero. I don't know if you're kicking yourself right now for being so blunt with this guy, but guys and girls like this need to hear it. They can't fix it if they don't know it's broken. It has to be said by someone, and I commend you for doing so. Pretty awesome that you're being more solid in your personal boundaries. We always put up with more than we should with people we care about...that gray area...they put up with our crap too...it balances...but there's a point where a defined line needs to be drawn. It's really hard because of such a great connection, but it has to be done.

[Perdido1989]

What did he respond??

 

He has since responded saying that he is really sorry; that he is taking some 'me' time from life as he is not in a mentally good place right now (NO SH*T?) But that he will be in touch (?)

[Perdido1989]

My hero. I don't know if you're kicking yourself right now for being so blunt with this guy, but guys and girls like this need to hear it. They can't fix it if they don't know it's broken. It has to be said by someone, and I commend you for doing so. Pretty awesome that you're being more solid in your personal boundaries. We always put up with more than we should with people we care about...that gray area...they put up with our crap too...it balances...but there's a point where a defined line needs to be drawn. It's really hard because of such a great connection, but it has to be done.

 

Part of me was kicking myself before I even hit send but he needs to understand that I am also a living, breathing human being and whatever he has going on is NOT my cross to bear, even if that is being made to feel like crap over someone elses drama.

 

He has since been in touch just stating that he is sorry; he is in a bad place mentally and needs to find out why he is unhappy, but that he does not want me to vanish from his life. I have responded and told him that is fine - if he needs mental health help to let me know, as I hate to think of anyone suffering alone - I've been right on that edge before, and so I cannot turn my back on that. But I have also told him that if he is not comfortable and happy in himself right now then he should NOT be dating anybody as all he is going to do is hurt people and ultimately end up alone.

 

Down the line, if he can sort himself out . . . who knows. Maybe we can have another shot. BUT that would be entirely me calling the shots, and he would be on a 1 strike and you're out; one missed date without a bloody good reason, or one cold front such as what he put up recently and we are done. Call me gullible, or naíve or possibly even still fantasizing about a future with this man (all of which are probably true) but if he could step up and prove himself I would offer him that chance. The likelihood is very, very slim so I am not holding my breath and nor will I turn down other prospects! Obviously I have not told him any of this.... as far as he is aware any romance between he and I is over.

 

Its a real shame, because beneath the surface he is a GREAT guy... just with a lot of emotional baggage that he should not be allowing to affect others.