9 year relationship over

[calikid32190]

How do you know for a fact what she does with her personal time?

 

She still has me as a friend on Xbox so anytime she’s on it shows me just like anytime I’m on it shows her. Not only that but she tells me what she’s doing when I ask why she didn’t do it in her free time. In this scenario I don’t think it’s fair at all because she chose to be irresponsible it now falls on me to help her and I don’t feel that’s my problem anymore.

[reinventmyself]

You know you have no control over her behavior, right?

So given you have no control, then why focus on what she's doing so much?

Use that energy to take of yourself and your son. Stop focusing on her. It's pointless and just makes you even more miserable.

[calikid32190]

You know you have no control over her behavior, right?

So given you have no control, then why focus on what she's doing so much?

Use that energy to take of yourself and your son. Stop focusing on her. It's pointless and just makes you even more miserable.

 

Trust me when I say I’m trying. But then she tries to do something like this and I feel like this has nothing to really do with co parenting but she will say it does. She chose to not get her work done and not be a responsible adult. What’s she’s used to is me bending over backwards to always help her even after the breakup and I’m not doing it this time. When she fell behind on work and we were together I would tell her go to the room and get it done and I’ll take care of our son. Now I don’t feel that’s my responsibility. Is that wrong? I do want to get back with her at the end of the day but I need to not give in when she asks me to do stuff for her that has nothing to do with our son. I’ve been very distance from her which never happens when we break up I don’t even text her at all. The only text I normally get from her is stuff about my son but every now and then I get something like this. I feel like she is trying to test me to see if I’ll just give in and cancel what I had going to help her because I did that before.

[reinventmyself]

Without going back and rereading, I am assuming you two have legal custody perimeters in place?

It's a tough situation when one parent isn't upholding their end and the other parent is concerned about the child's welfare.

It's about a balance of letting her fail and feeling consequences and at the same time protecting the child.

You shouldn't be so quick to respond to her calls for help. Does she have anyone else to rely on for child care that you trust?

In the meantime document everything and consider going back to court to get more custody.

[calikid32190]

Without going back and rereading, I am assuming you two have legal custody perimeters in place?

It's a tough situation when one parent isn't upholding their end and the other parent is concerned about the child's welfare.

It's about a balance of letting her fail and feeling consequences and at the same time protecting the child.

You shouldn't be so quick to respond to her calls for help. Does she have anyone else to rely on for child care that you trust?

In the meantime document everything and consider going back to court to get more custody.

 

Like right now I’m on Xbox and she’s on and I know my son is awake considering I get him in 15 mins. It’s just sad that this is consuming her life now. We don’t have anything in place she didn’t want to have to go through all the court stuff so we just agreed on splitting time evenly. She doesn’t have any of her family out here at all and she doesn’t get along with anyone in my family. She doesn’t even have friends so yea it’s kind of hard. Not really sure how I would document this stuff either unfortunately.

[reinventmyself]

Like right now I’m on Xbox and she’s on and I know my son is awake considering I get him in 15 mins. It’s just sad that this is consuming her life now. We don’t have anything in place she didn’t want to have to go through all the court stuff so we just agreed on splitting time evenly. She doesn’t have any of her family out here at all and she doesn’t get along with anyone in my family. She doesn’t even have friends so yea it’s kind of hard. Not really sure how I would document this stuff either unfortunately.

 

It's not often that child custody arrangements move seamlessly without some parameters.

You are trying to be accommodating and she is taking advantage it.

You might talk to her about putting something you both agree to in writing and tell her that the both of you need to abide by it.

Your son will benefit by a routine schedule.

Because what you are two are currently doing isn't working. Tell her that if she doesn't hold up her end, you will have to go about it legally.

[calikid32190]

It's not often that child custody arrangements move seamlessly without some parameters.

You are trying to be accommodating and she is taking advantage it.

You might talk to her about putting something you both agree to in writing and tell her that the both of you are going to abide by it.

Because what you are two are currently doing isn't working. Tell her that if she doesn't hold up her end, you will have to go about it legally.

 

The thing about being the dad is I feel we have no rights. Even if we’re the better parent it would still me 50/50 when right now she doesn’t do anything else but play video games all day when even missing work to do so. When she does have my son she used to pay attention now she’s going back to what she was doing and playing the game while he’s there and that’s unfair to him because he’s not getting the proper attention he needs. He’s only 2 so he definitely needs to be monitored. I have no idea what happened to the woman I used to know. She used to be all about our family and now idk what’s going on.

[reinventmyself]

The thing about being the dad is I feel we have no rights.

 

Choose to`feel' differently.

That frame of thinking hurts your son.

[calikid32190]

Choose to`feel' differently.

That frame of thinking hurts your son.

 

 

 

So I bring it to her attention and she says she was just playing 1 game and says she doesn’t judge the way I do things but I also don’t neglect are kid. She goes on to say after the day she has had please don’t judge her. So I say I’m sure this isn’t the only day you’ve done this with him and I told her I had heard from my aunt who was living there that there has been another instance of this happening and she responds with okay David. It has been a really rough day and I don’t need you to do this. She says she’s been with him all day and playing and singing and dancing and feeding and doctor and all that stuff. She then says trust me I take care of him. So I ask her straight up there’s no other time where you play your game and not pay attention to him? I told her this does concern me because this is my child. Of course she isn’t answering now which is ridiculous so I don’t know what happens when my son is over there. She is now telling me there may have been times that she’s playing but he’s in there with her playing with his toys and hanging out. Rather than saying she’s doing that she says there may have been which is a dead give away. Just because he’s in the room with her playing with his toys by himself and hanging out by himself doesn’t make it right. He’s no learning anything that way or being socialized with.

[reinventmyself]

You either need to trust her or not.

You either need to take a stand or step back.

Spinning around in the middle of it serves no purpose.

Personally, based on what you've shared I think you should give her the benefit of the doubt.

[Wiseman2]

Hmmm... Stay home from work with her sick child and then takes him to a doctor to check it out. Sounds like good parenting. Much better than devising conspiracy theories all day as to what you do in your spare time.

she decided to stay home yesterday with our son for whatever reason she said he was sick and typically as long as he doesn’t have strep she would bring him in. today comes and she doesn’t go again to take him to the doctors appointment and all the doctor said is he has a cough just take cough medicine

[Wiseman2]

Agree. It's all too common and even more tragic to see yet another situation where hatred, distrust and undermining of an ex far exceeds the love, care and emotional welfare of their own child.

 

...And we wonder why the world is a mess with so many broken damaged people walking around. Then we see this mentality.😕

You either need to trust her or not.

[calikid32190]

Agree. It's all too common and even more tragic to see yet another situation where hatred, distrust and undermining of an ex far exceeds the love, care and emotional welfare of their own child.

 

...And we wonder why the world is a mess with so many broken damaged people walking around. Then we see this mentality.😕

 

With the way the relationship ended it’s really hard to trust anything she says. She did randomly text me this morning saying “good morning. I want to say thank you for being a father who sticks around. I know you have your own stuff going on but you have been there for Lucas when it counts. So many parents and fathers give up on their kids and you’re not one of them. So, thank you. Not for me, but for Lucas. I’m happy that he has his daddy”. Not sure why I got that message this morning but I didn’t respond. I don’t need validation from her that I’m a good father. Maybe she’s finally thinking about things I don’t know what would have made her say that. Then she texts me right after that saying “Also, daycare is closed today because of the weather. Day 3 no work for me. Lol.” She could have just said daycare is closed because of the weather and left the end part of because when I see “lol” that’s normally something you say to a friend or someone that you actually talk to good. We don’t really talk anymore so idk why she does this sometimes.

[calikid32190]

I want to have her know I have no hard feelings for her and that I’m trying to move on with my life is this message bad or sound needy and that I’m still holding out hope?

 

 

I feel like you think I hate you or have anger toward you or think I have a problem with you and that’s just not it and I just want to clarify that. I’m focusing on myself and working toward my goals I’m giving you space and also taking space for myself to move on. I realized we couldn’t be friends and have accepted that. I will answer any questions or things concerning my son and continue to be there for him. If there’s every any chance for reconciliation and I’m not with somebody by then I would be open to that, I’m not waiting around for that to happen though because I know life is to short. I wish you the best and hope you continue to grow and become the person you want to be and find your happiness.

[reinventmyself]

I don't think there is anything I can say at this point that will help.

You are ruminating and spinning around with how to fix, change or control this.

When you get tired enough, you might be able to see things more clearly.

 

In the meantime, practice letting go.

It will do you both some good.

[calikid32190]

I don't think there is anything I can say at this point that will help.

You are ruminating and spinning around with how to fix, change or control this.

When you get tired enough, you might be able to see things more clearly.

 

In the meantime, practice letting go.

It will do you both some good.

 

Trust me I’m trying to let go. I did end up sending that message so she can understand where I’m at and to not contact me unless it pertains to our son. She said “you’re fine. I understand where you’re at completely and it’s fine. I just want to make sure we keep communication open is all.” All I said to that was ok to end conversation and she sends me another message saying that she appreciates me clearing up the air. All I say is you’re welcome. Now she’s texting me asking me if I have class tomorrow and I say yes and she says “Man. I haven’t finished payroll and the office is closed again tomorrow. I don’t know what to do.” I didn’t respond to this because this has nothing to do with our kid and normally I would go out of my way to help her but I feel that’s not my responsibility anymore.I tried to make that clear by the message I sent earlier. I don’t know how I could have been any clearer. She hasn’t used her time responsibility at all which is why she hasn’t got her work done. My son takes naps and from 6pm to 12am when she would normally go to sleep she could get it done but she plays games instead.

[Wiseman2]

A little verbose and redundant, but sounds like trying to co-parent (very well) and communicate about that. All this communication revolves around your son and what's going on regarding him.

 

Sounds like excellent co-parenting and supportive informative communication from her end. You are lucky your son has such a fine mother who puts her ego aside for your son's sake.

She did randomly text me this morning saying “good morning. I want to say thank you for being a father who sticks around. I know you have your own stuff going on but you have been there for Lucas when it counts. So many parents and fathers give up on their kids and you’re not one of them. So, thank you. Not for me, but for Lucas.I’m happy that he has his daddy”.

 

Then she texts me right after that saying “Also, daycare is closed today because of the weather. Day 3 no work for me. Lol.”

[boltnrun]

Do you believe your son is in immediate danger when his mother is at home with him playing video games?

 

If so, call the local CPS and begin a case to get him out of her custody.

 

If not, stop obsessing over what she's doing under the guise of being concerned for your child! That's not what it's about and I think you know it.

[calikid32190]

We had a talk today she said she still loves me but needs time to heal from all the stuff that has happened to her over her life. She is seeing her therapist and trying to get better and says she wants to work towards a friendship but she needs to fix herself first before that can happen. She told me her therapist is helping her let go of all the stuff she has bottled up in her life not just when we had the verbal abuse problems everything that has happened over her life. That’s something she’s always had a hard time doing is letting go and this will help her become better. She reiterated that I was amazing over the 7 months but that she felt dirty because she wasn’t in love with me how she used to be and she was saying I don’t deserve her and I deserve someone who will love me the way I was with her. I went and scrapped some thick ice off of her car today in 18 degree weather and was out there for 20 mins and was freezing when I came inside. She seen my hands were cold and she offered to warm my hands up with hers. It’s these type of things that just confuse me and wonder if she just needs to let go off the pain before we can try to be together again. She told me she has no one and I told her that I will be her support regardless if we’re togther or not and she said she has to keep me at a distance right now and that she can’t have me support her in anyway. This really sucks because she told me she is going to have to move because she can’t afford rent now and I said I could help and she won’t let me. Then she has moments where I can tell she cares for me and it’s so confusing. I could have easily warmed my hands up without using hers. It’s the first time we’ve touched each other since everything that has happened.

[reinventmyself]

She is seeing her therapist and trying to get better and says she wants to work towards a friendship but she needs to fix herself first before that can happen. She told me her therapist is helping her let go of all the stuff she has bottled up in her life not just when we had the verbal abuse problems everything that has happened over her life. She reiterated that I was amazing over the 7 months but that she felt dirty because she wasn’t in love with me how she used to be and she was saying I don’t deserve her and I deserve someone who will love me the way I was with her.

It seems like you are trying to read between the lines.

When you consider everything at stake, a child and uprooting yourself to move, ending a relationship - these are colossal decisions to make and aren't made easily.

 

If she can say these things to you, she has been giving it some careful consideration for some time. She has spent time rehearsing how to say these words to you so it will be gentle, yet firm and something she is hoping you can understand.

This is clearly not an impulsive decision.

 

I wouldn't get hung up on the hand warming. She is trying to keep the peace and have an amicable separation.

 

The alternative is she is harsh and mean to get your attention. Don't push for that.

 

I get it takes time to process this and come to terms with it. But this is what's happening.

The sooner you wrap your head around it, the better.

I am sorry. I know that's not what you want to hear.

 

There is no way to predict the future for you two, but if you want any remote chance of reconciliation, how you handle your end of this will definitely influence this one way or another. At the very least you two will be amicable for the sake of the child.

From where I sit, it's worth everything you have to see that this happens.

[calikid32190]

It seems like you are trying to read between the lines.

When you consider everything at stake, a child and uprooting yourself to move, ending a relationship - these are colossal decisions to make and aren't made easily.

 

If she can say these things to you, she has been giving it some careful consideration for some time. She has spent time rehearsing how to say these words to you so it will be gentle, yet firm and something she is hoping you can understand.

This is clearly not an impulsive decision.

 

I wouldn't get hung up on the hand warming. She is trying to keep the peace and have an amicable separation.

 

The alternative is she is harsh and mean to get your attention. Don't push for that.

 

I get it takes time to process this and come to terms with it. But this is what's happening.

The sooner you wrap your head around it, the better.

I am sorry. I know that's not what you want to hear.

 

There is no way to predict the future for you two, but if you want any remote chance of reconciliation, how you handle your end of this will definitely influence this one way or another. At the very least you two will be amicable for the sake of the child.

From where I sit, it's worth everything you have to see that this happens.

 

I know but touching my hands it’s just weird to me because there’s so many ways for me to warm up and she offered that. She says she doesn’t know what the future holds but she wants to take it slow. I told her my plans for joining the military when I’m finshied with school next year and she started crying I feel there’s feelings there still she used to not want me to do that when we were together and its the same now. I definitely do want a chance for us to reconcile and be a family again. Right now she is choosing to focus on herself and get better and I want to be supportive of that as well. Doing everything I can for my family I think she needs to distance herself a little because if we get to close we fall back into each other and right now she needs to get herself right and I want to be supportive of that

[calikid32190]

Alright guys it’s been awhile since I posted on this. She went to Texas with my son on Friday and they’ve been up there for almost a week. There’s literally been no contact. She contacted me once saying my son wanted to talk to me and I had worked the overnight shift so I was sleeping when she said that then I even said sorry I was sleeping and she ignored me the whole rest of the day and has not updated me at all about my son since and that was Saturday. I find out from her mom that she is playing the game while she is up there and when her mom tells me that I’m like you’ve got to be kidding me. She went up there to see her mom her baby brother and baby sister and yet she’s doing the exact same thing she was doing here over there and that’s her family who she really wanted to see. Her mom told me once my son goes down for a nap she plays the game then when he wakes up she takes care of him but that when he goes back down for the night which is at 7pm she plays the game the rest of the time until 11-12am.

 

Then I find out the dude she cheated on me with through Xbox she is planing on meeting up with him this weekend and I think it’s just sad. She’s going to be leaving my son with her mom for the weekend. This has really opened my eyes to the kind of person I’m dealing with. We were together for almost 10 years and all of a sudden you are going to try to hookup with this person now? She’s never even met him in real life just through the game and I even asked her if she had plans to meet up with this dude and she said they talked about it but that she didn’t feel comfortable and I knew she was lying when she told me that. Have no idea why she couldn’t just be honest. We’re not together anymore so what’s the point of trying to hide it? Either way I feel like it was a blessing for me. I now have my own place for me and my son and I have a lot of goals that I’m trying to accomplish that is helping me in moving forward.

[Editionml3]

Man I'm sorry I hope you guys can work things thru.

[Editionml3]

Don't do no contact if you have a kid with her. Just be there for her sanity so she can be sane when it comes to being a mother to your child. You guys both need some time and space that off and on isn't good for any of you. Just be friends and take it from there. Do not rush anything.

[calikid32190]

Don't do no contact if you have a kid with her. Just be there for her sanity so she can be sane when it comes to being a mother to your child. You guys both need some time and space that off and on isn't good for any of you. Just be friends and take it from there. Do not rush anything.

 

I don’t think it’s possible to work through it anymore. She clearly never cared about me if she’s already trying to hookup with someone she has never met before except through the video game. I’m able to do NC now because I got my own place and we’ve talked about splitting my son 50/50 so I get him Sunday’s,Monday’s and Wednesday’s and she gets him the other 4. Whoever has him takes him to daycare then the other person picks him up so I don’t have to go to her place anymore to get my son. This will help me stay away from her all together. She’s really not cared about anything but herself since this has all happened. She said she was going to work on herself but I don’t see how that’s happening when all she’s doing is playing video games every single day. She’s using those people to boost herself up without actually figuring out any of her problems. Also don’t think it’s possible to be friends now especially after she’s trying to hookup with the person she cheated on me with. I don’t get how she thinks that’s ever going to work. She lives here in Missouri and he lives in Texas he’s never going to leave his kids to be with her and she can’t move to Texas because I have 50/50 custody with my son so I don’t get it.