I cut, burn, scrape, everything...but i cant tell anyone why

[pizzachick13]

okay, this is really hard for me considering i've only ever told 2 people the biggest reason i cut myself. i used to be quite a happy little girl but once my extended family moved in, that was it. things went really bad. i had one step sister that was worse than the rest of them. she was the same age as me so it was really hard for me to say i feel threatened by her, but i do.

 

when i was younger, just after they moved in, she started to pay me visits in my bedroom in the night. i never liked it but she kept doing it. when i was a few years older i remembered most of the things she would do o me and i confronted her with it. i told her that i knew she had raped me when i was younger but she brushed it off, not before trying to kill me though.

 

she used to try and smother me with my pillow, hit me to death, slit my throat and she even tried to hang me. the rest of my sisters and my brother knew nothing of all of this and still today they only kow that she tried to kill me once and that she had a tendency to pick a fight with me. i never fought back though... i never could.

 

the only two people who know are my best friend and my last psychiatrist. I've had quite a few of those but she was the only one to figure it out. what i dont understand is the fact that i'm a lesbian now. my sister raped me but i'm a lesbian. i'm scared of what that means so i try to carve out the memories.

 

what can i do to stop feeling like i have nothing left to do with my life? i feel as though everything is bad and that i'm to blame. what do i do??

[melrich]

Seeing a pshychiatrist is probably the best thing you can do at the moment so fortunately you have found a good one. Just keep in mind that at 16 you have your whole life in front of you. What has happened in the past will not be what happens in the future.

[guy40az]

sapphos_goddess:

 

 

well keep seeing your psychiatrist I think that is the most important thing right now is you have a professional to talk to about your feelings just be totally honest with her.

 

You said that you were a lesbian now and you are afraid of what that means.

 

What are you afraid of?

 

There is noting wrong with being a lesbian if that is your sexual preference. Just remember you are very young and you have been through a lot in your life. You should talk some more to your psychiatrist about being scared.

 

You shouldn't blame yourself for what has happened to you it was not your fault at all. You have a great opportunity with this new psychiatrist to help you work through your feelings. I would try to concentrate on what you would like to do whit your life when you get out of school, try to think of positive things and think of some thinks that you would like to do in your life.

[imagi]

It's good that you've found a psychiatrist who knows and you feel comfortable talking about your family history with. That's probably the best thing to keep doing for the time being.

 

I was sexually abused by a female who I was close with when I was young too. It doesn't mean that makes you a lesbian. I know for me that it made me question my sexuality ALOT over the years, but it doesn't form sexuality. Don't worry about that. As long as you're comfortable with your sexuality, then you'll be okay. This is something that your therapist would be good to talk to about.

 

I don't even know what to say about your history with your step-sister. I can't even imagine going through that, and I congratulate you on your strength to be here today. That's a lot to go through as a child. I hope that being able to talk about it with your therapist and being comfortable enough to work through your memories and feelings with your best friend will be helpful to you.

 

Miranda

[rosierizzle]

You must be a very strong person to come through all that, I have no idea how that must have felt and like imagi I congratulate you on your strength.

 

Keep seeing your psychiatrist and keep talking to your best friend about it, it's best to keep your feelings out in the open so you always have someone to help you.

 

But remember these things happened in the past. No one expects you to forget what happened but when you feel strong enough don't keep thinking about it. Dwelling on the past will not help you at all, you will gain nothing by thinking about it. When you aren't with your psychiatrist try and keep your mind on other things. There's nothing wrong with talking about it but don't let it consume your life, I've seen that happen before and it's not pleasant.

 

I'm not an expert but I hope that helped.

[pizzachick13]

i really haven't been thinking about it much recently but it does play on my mind if i'm ever WITH a girl, which is usually a fair bit. it can be a bit hard to bear but i get over it. cutting helps.

[arwen]

I think it's a good thing you found someone to talk to. I think the fact that these things/memories resurface when you are with a girl means that you are at a stage where you're processing the things of the past.

 

Maybe when it happened, you were not able to deal with it. I tend to believe that for certain things that I am STILL struggling with.

 

Like Rosie says, if you are able to keep your mind on other things, it's good to keep your life going on. However, I see your need for cutting and the way you say it helps you, as a sign you might want to try to ALLOW the feelings this history gives you. Cutting can be a way of attempting to disguise a feeling that you don't want to have. Truth is, you will have the need to cut yourself as long as you don't face the feelings.

 

Take care,

 

Ilse.

[pizzachick13]

i dont know if i use cutting as a way to deal with feelings... i mean, i actually cried last night and the night before both for about an hr. thats the first time i've crid in about 5 years... which i think is good going.

 

anyways, i have stopped seing my psyche cos our scheduals dont fit in so i'm gong to see if i can see one at school, that way i can do it in my free sessions, hopefully.

 

byebye

 

Sappho Sends All Readers Love...

[arwen]

Well, of course I am not the one to tell you why you cut . I think it's good you talk to someone, I hope you can find someone you trust at your school.

 

A good cry can be such a relief. Was the urge to cut the same afterwards, or different?

 

Ilse.

[imagi]

Hey

 

I hope you find someone else to talk to. It's usually really helpful.

I know that I use cutting as a way of dealing with my feelings. I used to joke that it was easier to cut because I didn't need anyone else.. I could work through rage/frustration/sadness/happiness.. everything by myself because I had the ultimate release. Go you for recognizing it though =).

 

Be safe.

 

Miranda

[pizzachick13]

cutting is the ultimate release... its one of the reasns i do it... it kinda does help me with my feelings but not entirely so i dont really class it as that... maybe i do need a psyche to help. who knows?

 

well, i haven't cut in a while and my cut on my wrist is healing quite well now. dunno why it wasn't healing at all before. maybe i'm just weird.

 

g2g

 

Sappho Wishes You All Good Health And Great Love...

[metallicachica247]

this girl needs real help she is like a really really bad person. she needs to be commited somewhere try telling your parents... again if you already have. but get away from her lock your door or sleep with your parents. never be alone.

[pizzachick13]

she doesn't live with me anymore thank goddess. and now she's moving to perth... i hope. otherwise she's coming back here.

 

i cant tell my parents cos she'll just lie about it and i'll get in trouble and then i'll get into trouble with her and...

 

do i need to go on?

 

i've never tried to get her committed because i've never told anyone. it seems whenever i tell anyone they dont believe me and then give her more praise cos she's such a little *beeping* angel.

 

no, i can't tell anyone else. i am trying to get into contact with one of my old counsellors but i dont think that's going to pan out so i might end up going back to my psychiatrist anyways.

 

i hope i can see someone, cos i cant kep it all inside anymore. it hurts too much... and the cuts on my arms aren't pleasant either.

 

catcha later

 

Sappho

[Lost1n7heDark]

Bah. Go kick her butt. JKJK...Don't listen to me. I'm just in a bad mood because school starts tomorrow. Wonderful.

 

But anyways. I hate that. When people are real b*tches and they act all poifect. Stupid little asdkfjawopihmlnnccladparhooaj;ad;fg.....

 

Heh. Sorry. I told you I'm in a bad mood =) Anyways, if you find someone you can tell, AWESOME. If you can't, you can always count on one of any of us. We're all here for you