I told my wife a secret and now we are in bad place

[abitbroken]

As most of you have guessed i have never discussed the family history with her because it was a sore spot for us all. Kept it light my dad is an engineer and my mom is a homemaker type thing. She knew we left because my dad made some inflammatory statements about the royal family but we never really discussed what my family did .

 

I see now that i should have been clearer about my family history and that it was unwise to sort of gloss over that and leave most parts unsaid.

I have no intention of leaving im fine with my monthly share being deposited in a bank located in another country i am fine with that.

 

I never discussed it all simply because it hurt and i didn't want to open up an old wound. We had meet up with family in foreign countries for the past 11 years it was just horrible . Today ill go down and have a talk with her and with the kids about what happened and what the situation is now and that our lives will remain unchanged for the most part.

apologize and ask them to come back

 

This is precisely why i don't think its about the money per se. You don't get it -- if your parents were expelled for political reasons and your grandfather owned oil fields - you are not typical average people refugee situation. It changes the identity of your family.

[calus]

Maybe she thinks you are not who you have led her to believe you are.

 

She definitely feels that way and she wants space at this point in time so i am going to give her all the time she needs.

I need to work on myself and she needs to figure out what she wants to do.

 

Yes as stated above, she may be thinking you were going to keep the money from her.

I haven't heard a good reason from you as to why you haven't shared with her. You need to dig deeper and come up with a better reason.

 

I doubt that very much i worked 14 hours a day when we had it tough , i don't think she is afraid of me keeping money from her.

As for sharing i have always been a very private person and I plan on working on that.

 

I don't like talking about things which i am trying to deal with , the family situation was always something that was thorn in my eye.

I was not alone in that the whole family sort moved past it since we weren't getting a dime . Why wait on something we had all decided was never ever going to be rectified.

 

This is precisely why i don't think its about the money per se. You don't get it -- if your parents were expelled for political reasons and your grandfather owned oil fields - you are not typical average people refugee situation. It changes the identity of your family.

 

I definitely get it and see that it would have been ideal if i had revealed this information when we first started dating but we are a decade on

[Normm]

I don't like talking about things which i am trying to deal with , the family situation was always something that was thorn in my eye.

I was not alone in that the whole family sort moved past it since we weren't getting a dime . Why wait on something we had all decided was never ever going to be rectified.

 

Seems reasonable enough to me, you're not required to discuss every little detail of your own personal life with another person just because you exchanged vows.

 

You might want to take another approach- stop the asskissing and treading lightly and giving her space and all that. You've taken your position, you understand why she might be somewhat bothered by it and not agree with how you handled it but you weren't wrong and you didn't do some sort of terrible thing.

 

The more guilty and sorry you are, the more it validates her position. I'd tell her to get over it already so you both can enjoy the money together and maybe remind her that inheritance isn't considered joint marital property in a divorce- especially if you keep it in a separate account controlled only by you - that's a hint.

[IAmFCA]

OP You say you get it, but also when you say why you didn't tell her, you talk about the money. Your recent post says you don't like to talk about topics until you are done processing them.

 

But you are talking about a lifetime. Your family history, your childhood, how it shaped you and continues to shape you.

 

You will be processing this and related topics until your life ends.

 

I feel as if your wife is two dimensional to you. As if she needs only to know she is secure and provided for; that from your perspective there is no reason to have an open ended conversation with her. About anything.

 

Is that true? If it is true, what chance do you have of being a united team when an external force undermines the relationship? To stay together, you HAVE to learn to turn withIN. Instead, you each have turned to birth families rather than to each other.

 

Whatever happens. I suggest you embark on a path of skill building. To communicate, listen, trust. Her reaction is divisive, but you can control and improve yourself only. Focus on what you can do to connect to a woman at deeper level.

 

Could you have married any number of women and had the same relationship? It seems that way to me.

[calus]

OP You say you get it, but also when you say why you didn't tell her, you talk about the money. Your recent post says you don't like to talk about topics until you are done processing them.

 

But you are talking about a lifetime. Your family history, your childhood, how it shaped you and continues to shape you.

 

You will be processing this and related topics until your life ends.

 

I feel as if your wife is two dimensional to you. As if she needs only to know she is secure and provided for; that from your perspective there is no reason to have an open ended conversation with her. About anything.

 

Is that true? If it is true, what chance do you have of being a united team when an external force undermines the relationship? To stay together, you HAVE to learn to turn withIN. Instead, you each have turned to birth families rather than to each other.

 

Whatever happens. I suggest you embark on a path of skill building. To communicate, listen, trust. Her reaction is divisive, but you can control and improve yourself only. Focus on what you can do to connect to a woman at deeper level.

 

Could you have married any number of women and had the same relationship? It seems that way to me.

 

update i was given divorce papers and I will be in contact with her lawyer from now onward.

 

thanks to all of you who tried to give sincere advice

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this.

update i was given divorce papers and I will be in contact with her lawyer from now onward.

[calus]

Sorry to hear this.

 

life goes on , just have decide on how we will raise the kids . I am not contesting anything so it should be smooth.

[coffeeshop]

Sorry to hear this. How are you feeling?

[calus]

Sorry to hear this. How are you feeling?

 

had a feeling this was coming from what my mother in law said to me over phone. ''You wont be taking the kids over there'' i was like huh what are you talking about and then she just said my daughter will deal with you like we told her to.

 

They think they can get money from me that but her lawyer has already told her that whatever is left to me isn't marital wealth.

just waiting for the formal talks to start with her lawyer and hopefully everything will work itself out.

 

for now i just want to focus on raising my kids and focusing on my career .

[Normm]

Sorry to hear it but the good news is that you won't be sharing any of that money with her regardless of what she thinks. She may reconsider divorcing you when she realizes she has no claim to that money- at which point you need to consider whether you want to try to make things work given that she will be largely if not completely motivated by money. And if she wants back in and if you want to give it another shot, keep those funds in a separate account that she has no control of or access to so it protects it as your separate marital property.

[IAmFCA]

Sorry, Calus, for this outcome.

 

Maybe this door must close so that you can find the door that is truly meant for you. Wishing you well during this difficult transition. My advice - Be honorable, but do not be a martyr.

[Jibralta]

deleted...

[IAmFCA]

I think her concern was that you kept a big secret from her.

 

Even so, her reaction reflects something bigger. No effort to understand him, as one might expect; other factors seem to have influenced how this particular episode played out.

[Jibralta]

Even so, her reaction reflects something bigger. No effort to understand him, as one might expect; other factors seem to have influenced how this particular episode played out.

 

I agree. I think there is more to the story.

[Wiseman2]

Yep, that's true inheritance is never marital property anyway. Good you have a good attorney. I hope he serves you well in the custody area, since that's the real priority now.

had a feeling this was coming from what my mother in law said to me over phone. ''You wont be taking the kids over there''

 

They think they can get money from me that but her lawyer has already told her that whatever is left to me isn't marital wealth.

[abitbroken]

life goes on , just have decide on how we will raise the kids . I am not contesting anything so it should be smooth.

 

so..that's it?? l"life goes on?" Do you not even really care?

 

If the mother in law said what she said about taking the children -- its not about the money. Honest - if i married a man from the middle east and he was a regular guy and then suddenly i was told he owns a share in a oil field and now is suddenly wealthy -- i would be worried that he would take the children. I would worry that he was working the long game and hid this from me -- there are so many stories of this happening -- that the man takes the kids and disappears overseas. I would see in a few days if she cools off and wants to talk -- but i think you blew it big time. And as far as your parents and grandparents - what they did polotically to be frozen out.

 

You should have always talked about who your grandparents were and what the situation was -- even if you never got a cent. She should have fully been aware who you were all along

[calus]

so..that's it?? l"life goes on?" Do you not even really care?

 

If the mother in law said what she said about taking the children -- its not about the money. Honest - if i married a man from the middle east and he was a regular guy and then suddenly i was told he owns a share in a oil field and now is suddenly wealthy -- i would be worried that he would take the children. I would worry that he was working the long game and hid this from me -- there are so many stories of this happening -- that the man takes the kids and disappears overseas. I would see in a few days if she cools off and wants to talk -- but i think you blew it big time. And as far as your parents and grandparents - what they did polotically to be frozen out.

 

You should have always talked about who your grandparents were and what the situation was -- even if you never got a cent. She should have fully been aware who you were all along

 

She should have been aware but things did not go down like that so there is really no point it is what it is

 

I am not from the middle east .... I am African but that is besides the point. As for taking the kids that is no longer possible without a signature from the other parent and explicit date of return. furthermore authorities with this piece paper can force the government where the kids are being held to respond with the court order to bring the children back .

 

I have no interest in destroying my children's psyche and giving them lifelong trauma.

 

As to your first point whether or not i care ? I care for those who are loyal to me.

 

Loyalty was thrown out of the window when she thought she could hit the jackpot .

i never involved family or friends in any dispute we ever had.

 

I have been a decent man throughout my entire marriage and i will remain a decent man during the divorce.

I won't punish her in anyway and will continue to pay for the bills as i have always done.

I have moved out and will continue to take the children to school and pick them up as i always did

What i will not do is run back to the woman who decided that she does not want remain married to me because we happen to strike gold.

 

It is however fine with me because i never look back only forward, again i did not initiate this divorce .

what matter to me now is how we will take care of our children and how we will split custody.

 

I am not angry at her just very disappointing i would have hoped that her parents saw more than dollar signs .

We are not discussing reconciling under any circumstance, what is up for discussion is how we split custody.

 

To you it seems like its over just like that and i am not letting the situation calm down. To me it was over when she went to her moms and decided she wanted a divorce.

After what her family has said there is no going back that ship has sailed.

 

I hope she finds someone she likes and learns to love .

[calus]

Sorry to hear it but the good news is that you won't be sharing any of that money with her regardless of what she thinks. She may reconsider divorcing you when she realizes she has no claim to that money- at which point you need to consider whether you want to try to make things work given that she will be largely if not completely motivated by money. And if she wants back in and if you want to give it another shot, keep those funds in a separate account that she has no control of or access to so it protects it as your separate marital property.

 

Don't be sorry it was meant to happen that is how life is . You can only look forward and plan for the best.

 

Its about the kids now and them feeling safe and happy

I don't want to pay alimony so will be discussing with my lawyer if i can handover joint savings and the title to the house which has 11 years left on the mortgage.

that way our only link will be child support and children related things.

[Normm]

I don't want to pay alimony so will be discussing with my lawyer if i can handover joint savings and the title to the house which has 11 years left on the mortgage.

 

The main risk to a lump sump alimony payment is that she can always try to come back for more down the line by making the case that her needs have increased, or you're making more money, or she's making less, or whatever. As far as trading off alimony for assets, it can be done, with the approval of the other party, but the monetary values have to be equivalent, or at least close enough, and that's what your attorney will tell you. You probably don't need your attorney to do the math as far as figuring out the values and approximately what you will be expected to pay in alimony based on the laws of your particular state which often provide an online calculator to estimate child and spousal support. The 2 major assets in a marriage are the home equity and retirement accounts. In order to determine the equity in the home you'll need a few appraisals or at least one appraiser that you both agree on. Once you've got the numbers in hand you can talk about putting an offer together to your soon to be exwife. Sometimes the upfront lump sum is attractive to the recipient if they need fast cash, and as of this year alimony is no longer taxable to the recipient which may make that an even more favorable offer.

[abitbroken]

As to your first point whether or not i care ? I care for those who are loyal to me.

 

Loyalty was thrown out of the window when she thought she could hit the jackpot .

i never involved family or friends in any dispute we ever had.

 

She was very loyal to you ---until she found out that you have lied to her - you were a regular person with an engineer dad and now you come from a politically connected family who owns oil field shares -- who really are you, she is probably thinking.

If you came into money, but she knew all along about your family - who they really were, etc, you would not be in this predicament.

I don't think she is divorcing you 'to get the money'.

There are a lot of African nations that are pretty corrupt also and if your family is politically connected, you probably *could* disappear with the children.

Not saying you would, but that is probably fears running wild.

[IAmFCA]

Parties can press for different terms in a monthly payment scenario, too.

 

An upfront payment reduces the opportunity for future disputes over finances because the only shared issues are regarding custody schedules.

[Jibralta]

Loyalty was thrown out of the window when she thought she could hit the jackpot

 

What i will not do is run back to the woman who decided that she does not want remain married to me because we happen to strike gold.

 

So which one is it?

[abitbroken]

So which one is it?

 

If she feels she hit the jackpot, she would have stayed with him -- the kids would have received better schooling, she would be living in a nicer home, etc. It makes no sense for her to divorce him if it was simply about money.

[Jibralta]

I agree that there is probably more to it.

 

But my point was that the two statements I quoted about contradict each other. First he said she left him because he kept all of this a secret, then he called her a gold-digger. Then he said she left him because they struck gold.

[calus]

I agree that there is probably more to it.

 

But my point was that the two statements I quoted about contradict each other. First he said she left him because he kept all of this a secret, then he called her a gold-digger. Then he said she left him because they struck gold.

 

Her parents are golddiggers and we have not exactly been on the same page for some years.

my ex on the other hand is very lovely person with whom i have had a lovely marriage.

everything comes to and end and we are dealing with this in a very respectful way on the 17th of march we can both move on with our lives as two divorced people.

There is really nothing more to this other than two adults who have decided its time to hang em up.