Masturbating to other people

[catfeeder]

I get people have suggested he should have no answered or answered it better...

 

But why she he have not been truthful?

 

She asked him and should be able to deal with his answer. He shouldn't have been careful of her feelings and answered differently...

 

It's not about protecting her feelings, it's about recognizing that being in a relationship doesn't entitle anyone to ask intrusive and stupid questions. So such a question, in my book, deserves no response.

[Jellybean9]

Agree JB and for all he knew, she may have gotten turned on by his answer!

 

Some people get turned on imagining their SO fantasizing about other people; my bf has a crush on one particular celebrity, no doubt he's had some fantasies about her, and I even tease him about it sometimes, it's perfectly normal and healthy.

 

It may have also opened the door to discuss their mutual fantasies in general which can also be a turn on.

 

So yeah, no reason to evade the question or lie, that's just feeding the "beast" encouraging her to maintain her closed-minded and judgmental attitude about sexuality.

 

Totally agree as I am very open with that topic in a relationship. As i think it's a fundamental in sexual growth when in a relationship.

 

Like you said it could open doors.

 

Haha I was the same with an ex teasing him about Emma Stone.

 

It is a shame the OP has not got back to us. As I wonder if her view is based on being young and/or inexperienced. Or could also be religious view. We will never know!

 

Hope the OP takes at least one thing from this and not to feel bad for it at all.

[Jellybean9]

It's not about protecting her feelings, it's about recognizing that being in a relationship doesn't entitle anyone to ask intrusive and stupid questions. So such a question, in my book, deserves no response.

 

This is also true. I suppose by not answering a silly question is a way to deal with it.

 

But would she learn from it if he doesn't answer it.

 

He answered and he now knows her views on it. Which he wouldn't have if he stayes quiet.

 

Saves him the embarrassment for hinting for phone or video call sex. Imagine if he did, I'm sure her views on that is the same. She may even be offened.

 

From him answering. She has learnt something about him even if she doesn't like the answer. He has learn she is a little ignorant to the concept of masturbation. So all in all they have gained something from it.

 

Maybe from this they can grow as a couple? Who knows!

 

Although I feel she asked the wrong questions. From reading another thread. The real hard hitting questions for getting to know someone is "Are you a vegetarian?" Or "Do you like animals?". She will libr and learn lol

[figureitout23]

If any woman came in here talking about her guy calling her actions immoral, wrong, and disgusting, never mind insinuated she shouldn't masturbate while in a relationship with him, no one would be saying "lol just answer him better." Women like this are archetype are so well accepted because our society's expectations for women's emotional maturity still largely and unfortunately plateaus once they've turned about 8. Despite that, believe me there are countless of them out there you have to invest mental energy into whether to lie or deal with their Pre-K temper tantrum.

 

Consider it a blessing when someone so blatantly shows these kinds of colors. It's not a lesson in relationship politics. It's a lesson on when to leave. It's a level of immaturity she may well overcome someday, but I'd say it's rare, assuming an occurrence at all, that it ever resolves itself within that relationship's context.

 

Personally, I'd probably take advantage of the golden opportunity to be a d1ck and make sure I had celeb magazines strewn about the house with pics of Eva Mendes, Cristina Hendrickson, and Pippy all bookmarked for when she comes visit, but I'm not a good person.

 

In all seriousness, I don't think you go from "you shouldn't masturbate" to healthy relationship within the same go. That's a bit too far gone. But do what you like.

 

In all fairness, youre placing your morals and standards on this woman while chastising her for placing her morals and standards on him...

 

While I love pornography and masturbation and exploring ones sexuality as much as the next person, I know some women who straight up are not ok with it. Its simply the way they were raised. I dont see how its fair to judge a woman based on the way she was possibly raised.

 

We dont know if its the chicken or the egg. Are her view points ingrained or is it simply her insecurities manifesting themselves? I dont know that we know enough to reach a solid conclusion.

 

With that being said, OPer if this is who you are, you shouldnt allow anyone to make you feel ashamed about it. No one is right or wrong you simply have different moral standards and thats ok, youre not a good match. Where she went wrong is sticking around to make you feel bad. Her feelings though are hers to have.

[catfeeder]

I dont see how its fair to judge a woman based on the way she was possibly raised.

 

I was raised by racists. Would that excuse an intrusive question from me?

 

Mind policing is not okay.

[j.man]

In all fairness, youre placing your morals and standards on this woman while chastising her for placing her morals and standards on him...

 

While I love pornography and masturbation and exploring ones sexuality as much as the next person, I know some women who straight up are not ok with it. Its simply the way they were raised. I dont see how its fair to judge a woman based on the way she was possibly raised.

 

We dont know if its the chicken or the egg. Are her view points ingrained or is it simply her insecurities manifesting themselves? I dont know that we know enough to reach a solid conclusion.

 

With that being said, OPer if this is who you are, you shouldnt allow anyone to make you feel ashamed about it. No one is right or wrong you simply have different moral standards and thats ok, youre not a good match. Where she went wrong is sticking around to make you feel bad. Her feelings though are hers to have.

I don't think you and I are in disagreement over anything here. As I mentioned before, had she asked and consequently said, "Yeah, that's a deal breaker" and called it quits, I may not agree and would definitely hope she does some recalibration for the future, but I'd respect that she acted responsibly and in the interest of her boundaries.

 

But in as far as not only seemingly not having asked the question for any purposeful reason, but proceeding to call his objectively consenting and harmless act of self-pleasuring to the mere thought of other women "wrong, disgusting, and immoral," going as far as to shame him for masturbating at all while with her, I do consider that objectively perverse in its intrinsic capacity to inflict emotional harm and, putting it kindest, a level of emotional immaturity that, while more understandable at a younger age, shouldn't be tolerated at any-- certainly at least not within the confines of a romantic relationship.

 

I would have a much different tone if this thread were, "My girlfriend dumped me because I masturbate" and it really were done that simply. Again, I actually don't think there's anything we disagree on here, but perhaps I failed to make it clear that my overall attitude is contingent on her actions and words toward him rather than however how or why she thinks or feels, as much as I may hope any such aspects do change.

[figureitout23]

I was raised by racists. Would that excuse an intrusive question from me?

 

Mind policing is not okay.

 

Oh honey, if you want to boil up a pot of coffee and start this conversation we can go there, I’d love it but for the sake of not hijacking the OPers thread I will simply give a basic response.

 

A.) if you’re saying your parents are N word using individuals who believe the white race is superior to others well it’s simply not the equivalent. It’s apples and oranges an equivalent would have to be I guess her saying they couldn’t engage in any sexual inteecoirse whatsoever because it displeases her. Let’s compare extremes with extremes.

 

B.)Her being against masterbating to other women would be the equivalent to racial bias and racial bias is alive and well. And to answer your question, no, I don’t blame adults who have racial bias, it’s how they were raised. Does it make it right? Absolutely not! But it’s a learned thing that is subconscious. If you clutch your purse tighter if a black man walks past you at night, or if you assume someone of Latin race is here illegally, it’s wrong, very wrong, but I promise you that person who does those thing would not view themselves as racist. Bias isn’t extreme, it’s sublle it’s pervasive and it’s passed on from generation to generation much like sexual shame, especially with women. Is she wrong for demanding he change who he is? ABSOLUTELY! But should he view her as the devil incarnate for being a product of her environment? I don’t think so.

[figureitout23]

I don't think you and I are in disagreement over anything here. As I mentioned before, had she asked and consequently said, "Yeah, that's a deal breaker" and called it quits, I may not agree and would definitely hope she does some recalibration for the future, but I'd respect that she acted responsibly and in the interest of her boundaries.

 

But in as far as not only seemingly not having asked the question for any purposeful reason, but proceeding to call his objectively consenting and harmless act of self-pleasuring to the mere thought of other women "wrong, disgusting, and immoral," going as far as to shame him for masturbating at all while with her, I do consider that objectively perverse in its intrinsic capacity to inflict emotional harm and, putting it kindest, a level of emotional immaturity that, while more understandable at a younger age, shouldn't be tolerated at any-- certainly at least not within the confines of a romantic relationship.

 

I would have a much different tone if this thread were, "My girlfriend dumped me because I masturbate" and it really were done that simply. Again, I actually don't think there's anything we disagree on here, but perhaps I failed to make it clear that my overall attitude is contingent on her actions and words toward him rather than however how or why she thinks or feels, as much as I may hope any such aspects do change.

 

My bad. We deffinetely agree.

[Capricorn3]

Thread has run its course.