I'm losing my attraction to my husband cause of his weight

[Wiseman2]

True. There are people who get into this place of withdrawal, inertia, apathy and complacency and need a bomb under their butts to get motivated.💣

[abitbroken]

True. There are people who get into this place of withdrawal, inertia, apathy and complacency and need a bomb under their butts to get motivated.💣

 

I knew someone who was 500 lbs and they told him he would die if he didn't stop eating. He said "i won't stop eating. I like it". BTW

 

I think that leading by example is not working.

I think its time for drastic measures.

Its time to get tough.

I would not go to places where its a buffet, or you order in line/where the food comes unlimitedly.

 

I would give him an ultimatum. I would tell him that if he wants to eat himself to death, then that's his choice. He is welcome to get as fat as he wants to. But you won't stand by and watch him do it.

If he starts ordering 20 desserts at a restaurant, you walk out. If he wants your dinner company, you are not going to reward the behavior. No negotiating. Hopefully after the first 10 times you strand him, he has to come find you browsing in a shop next to the restaurant or that you drive separate and he is sitting there alone with his pie, he might take notice. I would bring no junk food home and if he does, dump it.

I might go as far as to tell him "well, you have a choice. doing nothing but eating all day or being married. I am going on a girls' trip this week. When i come back, maybe you will think of what you want during that time".

[reinventmyself]

I would not go to places where its a buffet, or you order in line/where the food comes unlimitedly.

 

I would give him an ultimatum. I would tell him that if he wants to eat himself to death, then that's his choice. He is welcome to get as fat as he wants to. But you won't stand by and watch him do it.

If he starts ordering 20 desserts at a restaurant, you walk out. If he wants your dinner company, you are not going to reward the behavior. No negotiating. Hopefully after the first 10 times you strand him, he has to come find you browsing in a shop next to the restaurant or that you drive separate and he is sitting there alone with his pie, he might take notice. I would bring no junk food home and if he does, dump it.

.

 

I agree to a point.

It's much like hiding the alcohol from an alcoholic. It doesn't address the disease.

 

I agree that she should refuse to be a party in it, but navigating things so they are out of his reach sounds pretty pointless.

It makes her the gate keeper to a grown man who will ultimately make his own choices.

 

Somehow he needs the motivation to make better choices.

Hiding the donuts won't accomplish that.

[abitbroken]

I agree to a point.

It's much like hiding the alcohol from an alcoholic. It doesn't address the disease.

 

I agree that she should refuse to be a party in it, but navigating things so they are out of his reach sounds pretty pointless.

It makes her the gate keeper to a grown man who will ultimately make his own choices.

 

Somehow he needs the motivation to make better choices.

Hiding the donuts won't accomplish that.

 

Maybe throwing things out is not the answer -- but the other part -- not purchasing junk food herself and not rewarding him with her company, etc, if it doesn't work - then it will at least be a boundary for herself.

The doctor telling him that this was serious didn't mean anything. I am betting not being able to see his feet is not a motivator either. Maybe the lack of her presence will motivate him.

That he learns that if he wants her company, he can't gorge himself in front of her. And she might be gone forever if he doesn't care. There are some stakes there.

 

I don't think she answered me if he was recently laid off or some other change like that unless i missed some posts - but if there was no emotionally traumatic event, it seems that nothing else will motivate him. If she becomes his caregiver in a few years - if he has a fall - she will be helpless to do anything and he'll be getting visits from the fire department regularly to hoist him up.

[lostandhurt]

All that ice cream and doughnuts before bed? Seriously?

 

It is like he is throwing it in your face.

 

This may sound harsh and I do agree with Wiseman that it may take drastic moves on your part to get his attention.

 

So he is obviously going to continue getting bigger and closer to a heart attack or stroke (it really is a matter or when, not if he will have one) and then what?

 

If he is happy like he is and you are miserable there are only a couple of options left. You now see you have zero control over his choices and all your efforts have gone in vain so now you need to consider the things you do have control over like staying or leaving.

 

He is being extremely selfish and uncaring towards you.

 

Lost

[Wiseman2]

Stop nagging. Stop being abusive and insulting. Stop competing about how "healthy" you eat and what a disgusting pig he is by contrast. None of it is working and creating three problems. His weight, your nagging and chronic marital discord.

 

Are you or have you been overweight? It seems you have issues with this yourself. All you can do is get an appt with a therapist to unpack some of your stress and concerns. Perhaps get some tips on better communication and some ideas for solving these issues.

 

Would like him to be on your case constantly about your eating, looks, body, weight, etc? No? Would you be hurt and resentful? Yes? Then stop doing it to him.

I brought his weight issue up yesterday and he got all defensive, which I expected. We went to lunch yesterday. I ate grilled chicken and a salad with a small amount of dressing on the side.

[Writinggal]

Hi Boardwalk,

 

He probably has clinical depression. I am sorry to hear he won't take the medication for it. Medication has side effects, but people get used to them in a few weeks. Will he see a counselor or a psychologist about his depression? That would be one way to deal with it.

 

I would not pressure him about his weight. You are right to be concerned, though, because the extra weight is bad for his health. You already set a good example.

 

Look for things you can do together so you can keep each other company. Instead of talking to him about how you feel about his habits, try reaching out to friends and going out with them. That gets you out of the house and gives you a chance to tell other people how you feel about this situation. That way, you don't hold all your feelings inside.