Mixed Signals

[Alphabet25]

My partner and I had been together for 5 years. We broke up 2 months ago, we both contributed to the break up but ultimately he has been the driving force in the break up. We have a 7month old little girl, who was an unplanned pregnancy and turned his world upside down. He has been struggling to be a father and the lifestyle change that a baby brings, he until recently left me to raise her on my own. While he was out drinking all the time. More complicated we own a house together and I am a student.

 

The last 2 months have been awash with mixed signals from him, which since he has been going to counselling have been getting worse. He has reduced his drinking and has been making an effort with both her and me, making it worse because I dont know whata going on?!

 

He says he doesnt want to do the family life, yet hasnt looked to move out of the house..apparently loads of people have offered their sofas up to him, which he hasnt taken and he wants to spend time with baby and me. He says he enjoys spending time with her and with me.

 

Today I told him I couldnt do it anymore. I dont think he really realises the true extent of the breakup. That we cant keep living together in this weird hippy arrangement where we still act like a couple at the weekends and he refers to us, as an us. Yet has his batchelor life in the week days. He cried when I asked him to move out and to stop being nice to me as we arent together and he was making it confusing for me. I asked him what he wants from the situation and he said he didnt know.

 

Do you think he is having second thoughts about it all? Or do you think he truly doesnt know what he wants from his life?

[ThatwasThen]

I think you were wise to ask him to leave because its unhealthy for the both of you to be in this kind of limbo and by living there, he has no motivation to change a thing.

 

However: You own that house together so legally, he has every right to be there so I suggest you see a lawyer and get a legal separation agreement going (if you can't do it on your own together). Child support payments need to be ironed out, etc.

 

He is getting help for what's eating at him now so hopefully in time, he will learn to be more emotionally mature and be confident in being a father and looking after his responsibilities.

 

It wouldn't hurt you to get counselling either so that you learn to form and keep some very important boundaries with him that you won't feel guilty and therefore let him cross.

 

As for your question about him possibly having second thoughts: Hard to tell but I think its clear that he's currently afraid to leave and while you let him be single during the week and a weekend dad/partner, you are enabling him to never have to grow past his current emotional immaturity.

 

Good luck, I hope his therapy helps him to grow up.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this is going on. He co-owns the house? Then that's where he lives and that's why he's there. You can't kick him out of his own house. Does he support you financially?

 

He seems selfish or immature and sort of an absentee father and partner. Whatever happens you will have to get information on the legalities of owning the house. Can you afford to buy him out? Can you move to supportive family and let him pay you your half? Either way he has to pay child support and has a right to child visitation/custody.

We have a 7month old little girl. we own a house together and I am a student. He says he doesnt want to do the family life, yet hasnt looked to move out of the house.

[DanZee]

This is a shame. He's lived with you for five years. He owns a house with you. He has a baby with you. But now he doesn't want to man up and take responsibility?

Does he have a father who can talk some sense into him? Or can your father talk some sense into him? He has what a lot of folks dream of having. He has a woman and a child who loves him. He needs to step up and find some maturity.

 

But the other posters are correct. If he doesn't want to accept his responsibility, your only remedy is to turn to the courts. You can get custody of the baby. You can get child support. And you can trigger the sale of the house to get out any equity that might be there. And then you can go on with your life and find someone who wants to be with you.

[Hollyj]

How old is he? He sounds very immature.

[Alphabet25]

Thank you everyone for your inputs.

 

He is 31 and seems to currently be clinging onto a drinking culture and friends who dont really care about him. He has pushed away his close friends who try to talk sense into him.

 

His family is in denial about the whole situation, his dad just sweeps it under the rug and my dad is currently not his biggest fan for the break up and his immature behaviour.

 

He was an absentee father for 5months and these last 2 months he has been around a little bit more. Not amazingly but still better than before. Which has in itself been confusing, because I dont completely understand the change.

 

He has himself kindly offered to allow me to live in the house rent free while I complete my studies. I will pay everything else once he moves out. I will then, once I can get a job (currently training to be a teacher) will look to buy him out of the property or look to sell up. This will be his contribution to child support.

 

I have asked him to move out because I feel I need him (and I) to feel broken up and him not benefit from my feelings towards him.

[Hollyj]

When are you going to get court appointed support?

[Wiseman2]

How are you going to support yourself if he moves out? How can he afford another place in addition to your living there for free? You can not ask someone to leave their own home. You will have to go live with your parents/family and they will have to support you.

He has offered to allow me to live in the house rent free while I complete my studies. I have asked him to move out .

[catfeeder]

I'd be less concerned about the guy, and more focused on gaining legal advice and learning my options from an attorney, along with the steps for each option. From there you can make choices based on actual information and put legal protections in place.

 

Then you'll have plenty of time to ponder your ex's emotional state, but by then you may be so resolved to look out for yourself and your child's best interests that Himself's adolescent crises won't seem all that relevant to you.

 

Head high, and best wishes.