Should we be in a relationship?

[Guest]

She's 21 and I'm 24. We met about two years ago and started going on dates 8 months ago.

 

We got along really well right from the beginning. We are both positively minded and we can laugh at the smallest things together. We're also both open to trying new things. We are both outgoing and extroverted with it comes to socializing had having fun, but we also love to stay at home from time to time and just binge on TV shows together. We have a lot of fun together and laugh all the time.

 

She is the kindest person I've ever dated, or even met. She is super considerate of other people and always puts others' needs and preferences above her own. She is very open minded and willing to talk to, smile at, and befriend anyone. She is never judgemental. Besides playfully calling me "stupid" when we joke around and make fun of each other, I honestly have never heard her say anything mean about anyone.

 

I really admire her kindness. I feel inspired actually, and want to be like that myself.

 

My personality is a bit different from hers. I try to be gentle to people as well, but sometimes I think it's necessary to push or challenge someone to work hard and become better versions of themselves, or to achieve their goals. I don't think it's right to need to have certain things or career in life to be happy or feel satisfied, but I also think it's important to try your best to live up to the most of your potential.

 

Maybe it's a manifestation of her extremely soft and gentle personality, she doesn't set very high goals for herself, if any at all. And even the things she wants to do, she doesn't care to try very hard to achieve them. If they come true, even a really small goal, she's ecstatic. If they fail or don't work out, she's totally fine with it. I tried to encourage her and push her a bit, and she's always willing to give it a shot, but the effort usually falls flat after a few days.

 

We're also very different in other ways. To begin with, we don't speak the same languages. Her English is not very good, and I struggle with Japanese, which she is fluent in. But we have been really patient in dealing with this barrier, using dictionaries and Google translate all the time so it feels like we are getting by okay. She is not very intellectual. She dropped out of trade school, where as I have a university degree and intend to pursue more education. I care a lot about my career and she doesn't really seem to care about hers that much. She's working as a waitress right now, and doesn't think she could do much better so she's fine with it as it is. She's not materialistic at all so she doesn't really care about money. I'm not very materialistic either, but I do want to be able to make enough to provide a comfortable living to my future family.

 

I think telling the truth is important. I believe if the truth hurts, something is wrong with the listener, not with the truth. She would never lie to hurt or take advantage of someone, but she's very willing to tell white lies to keep people happy. She lied about her relationship history in hopes to keep me happy, but when I asked again later she told me something different. I didn't care one way or another, but I was a bit upset that she would lie about it. She hides her feelings a lot too. She would go along with whatever I suggest we do together, and only when it becomes absolutely unbearable would she tell me that she actually doesn't like it. It's upsetting to me that she would hide her feelings, because it's not like I would be mad at her for liking different things. We could just do something else together, but instead I end up making her miserable unknowingly.

 

Some more concrete examples of our interactions:

- I like reading non-fiction because I can learn a lot and improve myself. She doesn't care for books at all. We tried reading a book together. She did it for a bit because she's so willing to follow my lead, but it was pure boredom and agony for her so we stopped after the first chapter.

- She likes the excitement and thrill of horror movies. I find it really pointless - why would I pay money I worked hard to earn just to scare myself?

- She's really into Disney, and I'm not at all. Although I can appreciate the immense production value of the narratives, theme parks, and overall universe, so I'm fine going to see movies and to Disneyland with her. She likes them because the characters are cute. We have fun, but probably for completely different reasons.

- I like going to the gym and getting in shape. She also thinks it's a good idea, but couldn't find the determination to put in the effort. I got her to start but she quickly cancelled the membership because she wasn't going often enough to justify the cost.

 

I think about two months into going on dates, she made it obvious to me that she's ready to be in a committed relationship. She subtly suggested that I should make the move, and that she's basically waiting for me to ask her to be my girlfriend. Six months later, I still haven't. I couldn't make up my mind. I'm so torn. There are so many things I absolutely adore about her, but there are also so many things I care deeply about that I don't see us ever connecting on.

 

I'm thinking, is it possible for us to just keep our relationship going the way it is, and that I just find satisfaction in other areas (intellectual/career/etc) from friends and colleagues? Is that even a viable way to have a relationship? Or, will these differences eventually cause so much tension between us that we'll end up splitting anyway, just a lot more painful, so it's better to stop now?

 

When we are good together we are so good, but at the same time it also feels to me like there are a million reasons why we wouldn't be good together in the long run. What should I do?

 

The reason I'm posting this is because I'm getting desperate. Yesterday we talked, and she basically said she feels like she could never live up to the kind of expectation I have, and that I should go find a girl who can also work hard to pursue her goals in life. She looked so sad, and I felt so horrible. The last thing I want to do is to hurt her in any way.

[DanZee]

Is this an online relationship? Where do you live, in Japan or in the West? Have you actually taken her out anywhere? After six months of dating with her and you haven't asked her to be your girlfriend, what are you doing together? You're just wasting her time. I think that's what she's telling you. It's time to move on. The answer to your question is no, you shouldn't be in a relationship.

[charity]

My friend has a similar relationship dynamic with his wife. He is very ambitious and career minded, makes goals, is political, works out and pushes himself. She is super laid back, loves Disney movies and Instagram. She is very kind, happy and easygoing and super supportive. She does things that make him happy (do to gym together), he does things that make her happy (watch Disney movies - he would never do this by himself). And so, with some compromising from both.. it works. He says that he finds it refreshing that when he's with her he can just let all the work, career, political discussions behind him.

 

You seem to be quite demanding of her and you are expecting her to be someone she is not. Only you can decide if this is working for you. Have you been in a relationship before where you dated someone as driven as you are and it was better?

[Wiseman2]

Don't string her along if she's not what you want. You seem to have very low interest. What do you mean "going the way it is"? Are you dating? Just chatting online?

we don't speak the same languages. Her English is not very good, and I struggle with Japanese, which she is fluent in.

 

she made it obvious to me that she's ready to be in a committed relationship. Six months later, I still haven't. I couldn't make up my mind. I'm so torn.

 

I'm thinking, is it possible for us to just keep our relationship going the way it is.

[Guest]

Thanks for the comment. It's not an online relationship. I've lived in Japan for 3 years and we met here. We're basically acting like a couple but just never made it official. I don't know why it's so hard for me to decide, but I feel like, if we're enjoying dating why can't we just keep going until we're both sure?

[Guest]

Thanks for your comment. Yes that's exactly like our dynamic. So far it's going well but I'm just worried it won't work in the long run. Does your friend even have conflicts with his wife? How do they resolve it?

 

I haven't dated someone who's so different from me before. She's an extreme. But it's bewildering because this is probably the beat relationship I've had. I never was able to laugh and have fun with anyone the way I do with her... but other people around me also don't approve of her. My parents don't like her because of her lack of education and a good job. We go to the same church, and she's ... well, pretty "laid back" at being a proper Christian too, where as I'm not. Although I would argue that her kindness is very Christian, even though she doesn't like reading the Bible, got tatoos against people's recommendations, and works at a bar. But church people don't think that way... So no one in our church, except her mom, supports us being together. Her mom supports it because she thinks I'll be a good influence to her...

 

I don't know, am I being crazy for worrying about all this? Should I just trust my guts because we're good together? And forget about my parents and the chuch because they are being close minded and legalistic?

[Guest]

Thanks for the comment. No, we hang out several times every week. She is what I want in many ways, but there're just so many things that worry me. If I'm uninterested, why would I bother writing all this here seeking for the right answer?

[Wiseman2]

Do you live with your parents? How does it matter what they think? Where did you meet? At school? In a Bar? At work? If you want to date this girl, it's fine. There are many things you could read up on regarding Japanese culture, relationships, family dynamics etc. However if she and her family think you are courting and you think of it as hanging out, there may be heartaches down the line.

My parents don't like her because of her lack of education and a good job. We go to the same church. no one in our church, except her mom, supports us being together.

[gman572]

It sounds like you have a great time together and enjoy each other’s company. In my own marriage, my wife and I also have similar interests but are different in many areas. Those differences can be challenging at times but understanding each of your strengths and weakness along with on going communication helps us make it work. It does seem you have several significant differences that you need to work through together in open, honest communication and likely the help and support of others. I think I would take it slow and be intentional in trying to find common ground/understanding and expect that journey will help make it clear if this relationship will work. I am encouraged you and your friend go to church together as I am also a man of faith. I would expect your church and support of friends can help. My thoughts and prayers are with both you and your friend to make it clear if this a relationship with will work longterm.

[abitbroken]

I tried to encourage her and push her a bit, and she's always willing to give it a shot, but the effort usually falls flat after a few days.

 

Because they have to be things she wants to do --- if she is ecstatic when she achieves YOU feel are small, why not be happy for her instead of telling her that her goals are not lofty enough?

Also, if she does not speak English well and is in an English-speaking country, she may have some barriers, for example.

 

- I like reading non-fiction because I can learn a lot and improve myself. She doesn't care for books at all. We tried reading a book together. She did it for a bit because she's so willing to follow my lead, but it was pure boredom and agony for her so we stopped after the first chapter.

 

Again, if she doesn't read English well, it would not be something fun for her. Also, she may read for fun in japanese, but a non fiction book in English may not be something that she can tackle.

 

There are plenty of couples where someone is the achiever and someone is the encourager/supporter. My parents were this way -- mom was the encourager/cheerleader and supporter and dad was the acheiver. She took care of us, made sure the bills were taken care of so he could achieve his professional goals.

 

So stay with her - don't stay with her - but don't expect her to be you. Good couples work because they mesh -- they are not the same -- and have qualities that compliment and are not the same as the other