Does anyone else feel like they have love to give and nobody to give it to?

[Wiseman2]

Ok it sounds like therapy is helping you establish some good boundaries. Why are you against dating? Why state that you "have love to give", but do not seek out any outlet?

 

It's not that complicated. It just seems so because of the untreated mood disorders, going off medication and ruminating. It's really as simple as dating if you "miss a romantic connection".

 

Yes, like anyone else you have to be open to it but that would require stepping away from analysis paralysis and interacting in a manner that is not depressive, withdrawn and pessimistic nor overly engaged, excessively hedonistic and manic.

I used to be a lot more open and affectionate, even with people I didn’t know well. First it was finding other people attractive, now it’s missing romantic connection.

[Batya33]

I only really find volunteering draining if it is quite sociable, which a lot is. Working at a rescue home for dogs works well for me as dogs don’t care if you’re smiling or make good small talk, they’re just happy to be walked and made a fuss of. Same with the offering to help people when I feel they need it, I can focus on one person when I have the time and energy, helping them out and their problems, rather than having to deal with lots of people or organise lots of kids etc.

 

To me love is reciprocal (or it ought to be). I don’t think volunteering has anything to do with love and I might feel better to fuss or walk dogs because it’s affectionate I don’t think it’s going to stop me being overly attached to people I don’t really know.

 

I think it's fine to volunteer for any reason at all - you can fake it till you make it -because you're making a contribution. You don't want to volunteer because it's sociable and yet you want to find an outlet for all this love you have to give? Sociable doesn't have to mean just empty words -and it's fine if you don't want to do much or any small talk although that can lead to big talk and the outlet you're talking about.

 

Loving is giving. And the reciprocal part is that the person or animal you give to -or the organization you give to -shows appreciation. Also you talked about self-love. Volunteering builds self love.

 

I think the issue is here in framing. You claim to want to "love" but yet you don't really want to "give" in the ways that have been suggested -not just volunteering. You don't want to look to date, you don't want to be sociable. So my sense is that this void is not about "giving" to anyone else or wanting to. I'd explore with a therapist -I'm not going to speculate (or speculate more).

[Batya33]

Two things. Volunteering need not be about helping someone in trouble. I volunteer at a radio station. Last night I spent two hours receiving phone calls from people who wanted to donate (it's a public radio station, nonprofit) and taking down their information, thanking them. Yes it's to help a radio station stay afloat but it's not directly helping a person "in trouble" if that's not your thing.

 

Second, consider that you're expressing this need to have no boundaries when it comes to wanting to give affection to others and do nice things for others and think about them almost in an obsessive way. Yet when people make suggestions for outlets for this love you say you have so much of and want to give then all the walls/boundaries/excuses come up. Including the ironic/odd (given what you wrote) "you have to want to volunteer" and "love has to be reciprocal". Meanwhile you're talking about focusing even more on yourself with "self love" (which often is a byproduct/perk of volunteering or doing small kindnesses, etc).

 

Obviously don't be a doormat. Doormats aren't really giving a healthy form of love. They give almost solely to get approval or out of fear that no one will interact with them otherwise. You will know when you feel like you're being taken advantage of.

 

Is it just that you're lonely maybe and this is the way you're expressing it here?

[catfeeder]

Does anyone else feel like they have love to give and nobody to give it to?

 

Consider starting with your closest radius--friend and family--then work your way outward to giving whatever you can to the 'world'. During my most stressful and anxious times, I've found it comforting and grounding to fill my calendar with commitments to friends and family and neighbors to help them with their 'stuff'. Chores, errands, projects, yard work, meals, events, whatever. I focus on making this time about them, not me, which means I do lots of listening instead of blabbing about myself.

 

I've oftens scheduled these times and then don't 'feel like' going, but I move out of my own way by remembering it's about them, not me. I end up feeling valued and glad that I won't break my commitments.

 

The idea here is 'practice'. Giving becomes a normal part of living, and this levels out any rollercoaster emotions that can otherwise flood you with no outlet. You don't need to overdo this, but rather incorporate a certain amount of giving-time into your life. You'll notice the results in how this shapes you to become confident and accustomed to putting other people first--sometimes--without fanfare or expectations.

 

This is an experiential lesson--it needs to be experienced for outcomes to be learned. You can't think your way through it because the results will NOT be what you'd expect. It shapes you in subtle but crucial ways that you can only learn from doing. It DOES shape you socially. It DOES prepare you to interact with dates and new friends in ways that are generous without being needy.

 

Over time you can extend your commitments to causes or groups that interest you, and you'll be able to temper this investment without going overboard and without holding the kind of expectations that cause you to feel hurt when things don't play out as you would imagine.

 

Consider this a healthy way of learning how to NOT live in your own head, but rather to exercise your social 'giving' muscles into strengths that sustain you rather than drive you erratically.

 

Head high.

[thornz]

To respond to your title, heck yes! My future boyfriend is lucky as hell!

 

Referencing your post, Your last relationship was of the FWB kind right? Those can do a real number on you because you’re doing things that should include love and affection but instead it’s treated like a mechanical act, so you have to stuff all those feelings that many people, mostly women, attach to sexual intercourse. I kinda remember you saying that didn’t happen to you but I don’t know, I personally wouldn’t take that road again.

 

I also think a pet is an awesome idea. My pets are treated like my children, they’ve been there for me during some tough times. Pets seem to know when you’re having a rough day. Something to think seriously about though, pet ownership is a HUGE commitment, and they aren’t always fun, sometimes they can be real a**holes and tear up your property and they are a daily responsibility. It’s not for everyone.

 

The FWB situation did include affection, just no romance or commitment. It certainly wasn’t mechanical until I got bored. I have no sex drive lately so a FWB seems pretty pointless. I think since I’m missing romance I wouldn’t choose someone to sleep with who I had no romantic interest in, so I would likely get attached but it’s not guaranteed.

 

I don’t have time or space for a pet so it wouldn’t be fair for me to get one, though I would love to have a dog and chickens. Will have to make do with lovingly tender my my plants for now lol

[Coolstorybro]

I’m just curious to see if this is common and how others deal with it, or if it’s something unhealthy that I should address with my therapist.

Once I might have, mistrust and contempt has taken it's place.

[thornz]

To answer the questions about dating, I feel like I am making physical preparations to date, but in doing so I’m stirring up a lot of insecurities that I ought to deal with before I’m mentally/emotionally prepared to date.

 

I’m feeling very vulnerable and insecure right now which is not a good mind set for dating. I’m also overthinking, ruminating, getting stuck on my head, as has been suggested.

 

I think I need to work on getting into a better headspace, focus on my developing friendships and exercise and keep busy so I don’t have time to think too much. Bad habits are coming back to me now I’m off meds so I need to put into practice the better ones I learnt.

 

Who knows, when I’m happy and secure in my platonic connections, dating might not seem such a big deal and I’ll have better success if I’m not overthinking. Deep breaths, fake it til I make it.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. Can you afford healthcare, doctors or medication?

Bad habits are coming back to me now I’m off meds

[thornz]

Yes, I see an expensive therapist fortnightly and I stopped taking meds because the subscription service I used kept sending me a different brand every 2 months and that was causing me to have to adjust to different side effects each time. The last time my meds were due there was no alarm to notify me to pay and so the meds were nearly 2 weeks late so I gave up.

 

I will use some of the handouts my therapist gave me and try and engage more with others to get me out of my head. I’ve realised I’m making myself ill with this way of thinking and that I have the skills to pull myself out of this since I’m not too far gone.

 

I have let those around me know how I’m feeling. If things don’t stabilise or better yet improve over the coming weeks I will go back on my meds.