Not sure if this mean he cheated? Went through his phone...

[Lilymc123]

Consider two forms of distrust: 'self' generated (chronic), and 'other' generated (isolated). Other-generated distrust is based on a specific partner's behavior being somehow suspicious or untrust-worthy. Self-generated distrust is based on past experiences and sabotages every relationship that follows.

 

Most people who carry chronic distrust can identify that as the case. However, if you're unsure, asking questions that compare past relationships with a current one can help. For instance, you don't believe that prior partners cheated, and you described them as more open to discussions than current BF. Did you find yourself distrusting of those partners anyway, despite their openness?

 

You raised BF lying over inconsequential things. Do you recall any prior BF lying? If so, did you somehow feel more safe with prior BF overall, or were you as anxious back then as with the current one?

 

You gave an example of BF lying about a location of sex prior to your relationship. What prompted you to ask? Do you believe that such a question was appropriate to ask? Do you have examples of him lying about anything less intrusive?

 

Have you ever snooped in a BF's phone, email, or PMs before? If not, what caused enough suspicion with current BF to prompt the snoop?

 

The goal isn't to find 'blame,' but rather to help your identify whether your suspicions about current BF contrast your feelings of trust with prior BFs or are consistent with those you've held about prior BFs. Either way, you may want to pursue private counseling to help you navigate your next set of questions. If your distrust is chronic, a counselor can help you work through your earliest causes and retrain your frame of reference into one that supports you in relationships. If your distrust is isolated, a counselor can help you make choices about how you'll want to honor your instincts or manage them.

 

Head high, and write more if it helps.

 

It's most likely chronic distrust, stemming from anxiety and self esteem issues. And sometimes I do look at my past behavior from previous relationships to try to ground my self when I'm getting worked up. Yes, I did look at all of my other boyfriends phones. Trust issues always stemmed from their previous relationships. Which I think started all of the in this relationship.

 

My previous post saying I asked 'where' he slept with someone is a typo, it was meant to say when. And I asked him because that girl was on the scene right before we got together and wanted to know if there was any overlap. But things kind of kept spiraling for me after that, I didn't know him very well then and didn't know if what he was saying was true, so I looked at his phone, I didn't find anything sinister.

 

My first serious relationship, we both used to look through each other's phones without asking, but to us it was normal, cos we both said we wouldn't have anything to hide. And if we ever found anything flirty we'd talk about it. He'd look at my phone and say, why is this guy flirting with you etc? I'd always give him an honest answer, even if it hurt. I never cheated, I might have just said something like I'm attracted to him and flirted but nothing will happen, or that it's unwanted and I'll tell him to stop

 

In another not so healthy relationship I didn't really care what happened. Someone flirted and hit on him really forcefully right in front of me once, I just felt like saying, have him I don't really care. It annoyed me more that she kept apologising to me once she realized we were a couple. I truly didn't care cos I didn't see a future with him. He used to give me his phone so I could look at msgs other girls sent him cos he wanted us to talk about it/laugh about it together

 

I know it's not normal to snoop, but I think over years I've normalized it in my head. And I think the main reason I do it is because I feel like if there is something going on, it's the only way I'll find out

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately this is a creepy controlling habit, but there's no reason you have to become like that and keep it going over and over. If you keep punishing guys for all these other sick jerks and their habits the cycle will just keep repeating. You can stop this if you wanted to.

My first serious relationship, we both used to look through each other's phones without asking, but to us it was normal, cos we both said we wouldn't have anything to hide. And if we ever found anything flirty we'd talk about it. He'd look at my phone and say, why is this guy flirting with you etc?

[nutbrownhare]

I just don't get why he seems so invested in this relationship but still can't be open and honest with me

In healthy relationships both partners respect each other's privacy; while you come together as a couple you are still individual people in your own right, and if you aren't - it doesn't bode well either for the health of the individuals or for the relationship itself. (Look up codependency if you don't understand what I mean). By going through his phone you are totally disrespecting him, and you're lucky that he didn't dump you on the spot. I know I would have.

 

As for the comment about the Danish girl... the only thing you can say for certain is that she wasn't even significant enough for his friend to refer to her by name. There is nothing at all in that text to suggest that anything untoward happened, and the message itself is over two and a half years old...! He probably didn't mention it because it was a non-event in the first place.

 

You are right that needing to invade his space like this isn't a good sign, but you also need to understand that this isn't about him, it's about YOU, and unless you address this kind of self-sabotaging behaviour it will ruin all your relationships. We all want openness and honesty in our relationships, but that doesn't give you the right to interrogate the other person about details of their life which are actually none of your business, and happened way before you met (like events with a previous girlfriend). He is not duty bound to answer intrusive questions which are nothing to do with you - and this has nothing to do with a lack of openness or honesty on his part.

 

The kind of behaviours you are describing - the intrusion into his privacy, the threatening to end the relationship, the constant harping back to things which have happened in the past - are actually emotionally abusive, and you're trying to justify them by saying that you like to deal with things thoroughly.

[tattoobunnie]

You know the Danish Girl is a movie that came out a few years ago, right? The text is from years ago. Could have been a waitress who helped them out. Could be absolutely nothing, and so there is nothing to share.

 

You need to get some therapy stat, and figure out why you are self-sabotaging things.

[kamurj]

Thread closed by request of OP.