Low esteem/attraction question

[Batya33]

I'm possibly still speaking out of a sense of pain. Maybe my mind will change in time.

 

It's more that maybe you will make a choice to change your mind.

[yatsue]

I'm possibly still speaking out of a sense of pain. Maybe my mind will change in time.

 

To be frank, you are still getting over your previous relationship and are in no way ready to date yet. Join the club, man. Especially after 8 years, you need time to move on and get in the right frame of mind to date again. What has it been, a couple of months? Way too early. You still see your ex as the only one still. Time will remove you further from that mindset as it goes on.

[catfeeder]

I'm asking myself whether I should dive into my research and work in order to "become" a more attractive person to others.

 

Why not focus on becoming a more attractive person to Your Self? Then the 'others' thing will take care of itself. Most people are not attractive to most people--we each have a unique appeal. A select few will find us fabulous, and others, not so much. So cater to your OWN tastes so that you feel good about being you. THAT will either generate attraction from someone else, or not. When not, then they are not your match. That narrows down ~everyone's~ playing field in a naturally selective way.

 

If you blow past finding enjoyment in who you are in order to pretzel yourself for some imagined audience, you'll keep yourself always-insecure. That's not an attractive place to be, so skip 'research' beyond finding your own tastes and what appeals to YOU.

 

I also worry (strongly suspect) that my introverted/sometimes-nerdy persona is extremely uninteresting to many people.

 

Pretend for the sake of argument that you've polled a large stadium of people on the question of "Which do you like better--subtle or bold?" Wul? You've got better than a 50-50 shot because some people would say that they like both.

 

That's how ridiculous it gets when trying to conform yourself to some abstract idea of what 'people' like. Even if you could be accurate about defining that, where does it leave you if you adopt conformity to anything you are NOT?

 

So work backwards: Relax into the idea that everybody needs to 'find' their solo Self after breaking from coupledom, and most people still can spend a lifetime defining and redefining who they ARE at any given time. What if that's okay? What if you are subtle rather than bold, and so you don't need to adopt any cartoon characteristics in order to 'stand out'?

 

One of the most memorable commercial classics is the line, "If you want to catch someone's attention, whisper." Consider that the right person FOR YOU will be attracted to you for the very characteristics that would turn off someone who is NOT right for you.

 

Head high.

[Batya33]

I agree as long as the basics are there meaning being a good active listener and making good eye context. And wanting people to feel comfortable in their own skin when around you. So if he follows the suggestions of attracting “himself” he will spend less time being self conscious around people and wondering what to say next it make a good impression as opposed to being present and actually listening.

[limichelle]

Look OP from personal experience I’m a plain Jane to some guys. Not attractive to others. Then considered beautiful by some.

 

It’s all In the eye of the beholder I believe.

 

But to me that’s not important it’s that I do things for myself. Like lose the weight, find my self esteem, and love myself regardless of what anyone thinks.

 

I was in a decade long relationship I get it, it’s hard being out there again.

 

I see from your threads you lack the self love and confidence. Trust me once those come into play everything else will fall into place.

[Metaltwin70]

'can personality make up for a mediocre face? What about intelligence?'

 

Sorry, no, not for me. You could be more intelligent than Steven Hawking and Albert Einstein combined, funny as hell and exude supreme confidence to boot, but if I don't find your face/physique attractive in MY kind of way you're out. Doesn't mean that you have to be supermodel handsome, and I can only speak for myself. Many women fall for personality, wit, intelligence, sense of humour etc etc and don't particularly care all that much about the face/height/ other physical attributes. I'm just not one of these women, never have been, never will be.

[Batya33]

'can personality make up for a mediocre face? What about intelligence?'

 

Sorry, no, not for me. You could be more intelligent than Steven Hawking and Albert Einstein combined, funny as hell and exude supreme confidence to boot, but if I don't find your face/physique attractive in MY kind of way you're out. Doesn't mean that you have to be supermodel handsome, and I can only speak for myself. Many women fall for personality, wit, intelligence, sense of humour etc etc and don't particularly care all that much about the face/height/ other physical attributes. I'm just not one of these women, never have been, never will be.

 

I personally see a difference between being attracted and "looks". Meaning there are people who prioritize being with someone who is conventionally handsome or pretty because of the trophy aspect or arm candy - "look what I got!" Separate from that is chemistry/attraction. A person might find another person's facial features/body appealing and feel chemistry even though the person is not conventionally handsome or pretty. So it's still about looks -it's not just about personality, etc just looks from a different perspective. I care a lot about physical attraction and chemistry. I also notice men who are conventionally handsome/hot and actually I also notice women who are (just not in a sexual way, I'm hetero). But I've been on dates with/interacted with many very handsome/hot men and I felt ..... nothing. And same where I met men who were perfectly good looking - not hot but you know just fine and ..... nothing. And then there was an ex I was with for over 7 years. He was short, balding and funny looking -he would have said the same about himself. And there was a sparkle in his eye -he sparkled. And he had a really cute dimple which I noticed right away. And for a lot of our relationship I felt chemistry. Yes, sometimes the funny looking part got in the way of chemistry -it's true. And I think those were the times when in general I had doubts about him and the relationship. I will never forget one of my coworkers who was VERY pretty and dating a very handsome coworker of ours. They looked gorgeous together. And I brought my funny looking boyfriend to the annual holiday party and went over to say hi to them. She gave me this really intense look like "what??? you're with someone who looks like that????" Yes, that is what the look meant. (Yes, she and handsome coworker got engaged and he then saw what she was really like and ended things. Which is probably irrelevant but part of the story).

 

So OP there is nothing wrong with what Metalwin70 wrote -that is her personal preference, mine is different and I am sure there is a whole range. I'm sure there are women who fall in love with personality only (I'm not one of them, neither is she). And you only need one. I would not get hung up on particular womens' preferences and I'd stay away from websites where it seems like huge groups of people are focused on looks in the arm candy way or on physical features in a way that emphasizes conventional good looks. I hope that makes sense.

[itsallgrand]

Your self esteem issue is your biggest obstacle right now. As you change that, you will change the filter in which you see yourself too. Right down to how you assess your physical appearance. Right now, you are focused on the negative so you see negative. As your focus softens, you may find you have many nice features physically as well as seeing it in a broader way.

 

You are an artist. There's beauty to be found in you too. Look for it.

[PTPoet]

Agree with most of the posters here. Your looks are not all that important if you take care of them, and work with what you've got. I'm not a classically good looking guy by any stretch of the imagination, but I shower every morning, I keep my hair trimmed and in control, my nails are cut and clean, I work out regularly to maintain a decent body, I stay up to date on the news of the day, I dress well for my body type, you know... I make an effort.

 

Now, does that make me any more attractive? Not specifically. I still look just like me. However, because I also have a good sense of humor (when ya look like me, you gotta be funny or people are gonna notice you're butt ugly), and because I actually take care of myself, and convince myself that by doing so, I actually DO look more attractive, my confidence level goes way up. Then, simply because I joke around, and I am so comfortable in my own skin, and so certain that everybody digs me wherever I am, I actually DO become more attractive. It's not how I look that determines whether I'm attractive or not, it's how I feel. If I feel hot, I get hit on and flirted with constantly. If I feel like I actually look, then nobody gives me the time of day.

 

Seriously. It's all about confidence. The only way to become more confident is to do something to make you feel more confident. You think your head looks big compared to the rest of you? Well, get to the gym and bulk up your shoulders... that's gonna take time, but since there are no "head reduction" surgeries or treatments that I know of, you're going to have to bulk up a bit to make yourself seem more proportional. Don't do it for others - they don't really care if your head looks big, it's all in how you carry it... (Har-har-har) Seriously though - do it for yourself. Do something that makes YOU feel like you look more proportional. Is it wearing a cool hat? (Probably not.) Glasses with big, dark frames? Is it wearing suit jackets with padded shoulders? Is it just working out like a mad man? Whatever you find makes you look in the mirror and say, yeah, you're looking good man! That's what you gotta do.

 

So, get up, shower, groom, dress well, wear a suit with wide shoulders to make your head look less like a watermelon on a toothpick, and more like a housing for an amazing brain, and look in the mirror and realize that you've totally got it going on. Then get out there and strut down the street like John Travolta in Saturday Night Fever. You'll be gorgeous to yourself before you know it - once you think you're gorgeous, everyone else will basically just agree and think so too. I promise you. That is the truth of it.