sorry in advance lol

[seoulthirsty]

hi. this is my first time actually posting here without lurking. i've been wanting to post something for a while. initially it started out with something else, but the problem is solved. in fact, my relationship is really great. there hasn't been a problem at all, and my boyfriend and i have been officially together for about a year.

 

so, this is a safe space, right? not gonna be judged? lol

 

this is dumb. i know it's dumb, but sometimes i can't stop myself. unfortunately, i was born with the personality trait called: stubborn. still, it's not my entire fault.

 

ok, hear me out.

 

my birthday is next month (oh boy, you just said in your head, didn't you? rolled your eyes maybe? same, same).

 

my boyfriend and i made each other acutely aware at the beginning of our relationship the dynamics we have when exchanging gifts and receiving them. he grew up differently, and so did i. he's 26 and i'm 23. age difference doesn't matter for me, we get along very well with no issues and it doesn't even feel like the age difference is there. it's just 3 years. nbd.

 

so, he's used to getting money for occasions/holidays or basically nothing, not even a card with a heartfelt note in it. his dad isn't around + his mom is always working, so he spends the most time with his 3 siblings who are all younger than him.

 

me - now me, i've been spoiled for most of my childhood and teen years. even now, i'm still a little spoiled and i live with my parents. however, i did not let something like that get to my head and i still consider myself very humble and self-aware. i am open minded and i keep others' feelings in mind. i care. (sometimes i think i care too much). my sister and i have had this thing where once we were old enough to spend our own money from working, we would just get each other a whole bunch of for our birthdays for fun. like, stuff we wanted and couldn't get ourselves or w/e. my parents give me money as an adult. it's really not a big deal - receiving gifts is nice, but if i didn't get any, that's fine. especially from a significant other/boyfriend. i'm more of the sentimental type where i would rather have a homemade gift or a thoughtful gift or just really awesome words in a card.

 

i'm really, really not hard to please and i really really don't ask for too much. if i really want something, i generally buy it for myself with my own money. you see where i'm going with this? i'm sure by now you're really wonder what the actual f*ck is going on lol. i told you it's dumb.

 

now, y'all know how parents are: when you date someone, they're never good enough for you. they like him though. he's my first boyfriend too. nothing much for them to judge on.

 

part of it is that i'm insecure that if he doesn't give me a little something or a gift, period, that my parents are going to think he's horrible (which they will, they'll be like "?" and think that i truly wanted something and that when i say i DONT want something, that i'm lying. i do love receiving things, but...tbh...it's just things and i love him, so all i really want from him is continuing love and maybe a goddamn card because i love when he writes me cute things) so there's that. i don't want my parents to think certain things and ...idk. like, i guess i want to receive something for him just because it shows that he cares lol. sue me. birthdays are a celebration of birth and livin' another goddamn year. even so, take me to dinner or something. he's also stated that he's had trouble actually thinking of what to get me.

 

i directed him to my etsy page to just get me a small lil gift from there and he did, but then asked my address again so he could ship it to me................. so that kind of made me a lil "gr" becaues my birthday isn't for another month and he doesn't even care enough to hand deliver it to me with a damn smile and A HUG ok wow this seems very dramatic and stupid now hahahaha.

 

so i told him it kinda bummed me out, and he called me and told me that my reasoning was stupid (that i wanted it on my birthday etc) so he said he'd cancel it and send it to his own house and give it to me. then i said forget it because he made me feel stupid about how i was feeling. was i stupid to feel that way? i know, i know. i should be grateful he got me anything in general, right? (': idk. my wishes are really small, idk. i can't help but feel really dumb even writing this all out. i just hate having my feelings invalidated. he's one of my best friends and was before we started dating - i tell him everything. so for him to just tell me that kind of...yeah, made me stubborn and tell him the opposite of what i wanted.

 

so i'd like to add into that that he's super super frugal already and nah, he isn't broke, and no, he isn't super rich. he grew up in a family where they were more poor than mine, so they had less growing up. i get it. but he doesn't spend any money. i mean, he sometimes does, lol. usually when we go out to dinner. but i'm never afraid to pay or say we should split it. anyway, he never carries money/a debit card with him. not the point obviously. i dont care if he does that. i just..dont wanna pay for everything lol. understandable?

 

nonetheless, i have gotten him random things in different time periods during our relationship and he's generally really liked it, and he's not good with receiving gifts (who is??) but our phone call turned into text because he was at work, so we essentially fought in text, he said that he felt guilty when i gave him gifts, really really guilty, and didn't want to do a gift exchange because of that. so he doesn't want gifts for anything. however, i am still the opposite because that's the custom i'm used to. I UNDERSTAND HIS FEELINGS. but he brought up my sexuality. i said "most people like gifts, you're a very rare exception" and he said "and most people aren't asexual" and it made me angry because it wasn't necessary and there were issues in the past where he didnt UNDERSTAND my asexuality/greyasexuality. it's frustrating that he had to bring up a previous issue we had. nonetheless, he also said "im just saying how you're different but somehow i cant be with this matter" which i did not say. i said that i NEVER said i didn't understand or that he's not allowed to feel a certain type of way and then said "just like my feelings arent STUPID and it's super easy to understand asexuality if you did actual research like you do with other things you like" (because he was telling me on the phone call that the way i felt was "kind of stupid") i just got ticked off really easily idk and i said "lol bye" because i'm a and i felt 12 lol. he responded with 'i dont think they are im just telling you how i feel about getting gifts from you'. ok this was a bit of the convo we had but that WASNT just all. he made it a point by saying he felt guilty receiving gifts from me in 5 different texts in a row saying "you.make.me.feel.bad" so... u can see why i was a little... TICKED off lmao

 

i hate texting, i swear

 

but i am a person who enjoys giving random gifts to people - both me and the other person generally get joy out of it. when i say that i enjoy it too i guess it seems kind of pathetic and selfish. although, i never expect anything in return.

 

and he feels guitlty receiving anything, period. why?: he's never really received proper gifts.

 

i get it.

 

but just because he wants one thing doesn't mean i always want the same. he doesn't.... i just feel like him not getting me a gift isn't putting effort in to find out what i want or to get to know me further. and the other factor is my parents.

 

TLDR; my boyfriend feels guilty about receiving gifts from me and i don't feel the need to give him gifts if he doesn't want them from me, but i do wish he would ask me for ideas or believe in the idea or understand how i feel, just like i can understand how he feels. (apologies for length)

[DanZee]

Well, you've written all about yourself, but what is the guy like? Is this his first relationship? Is he asexual too? Is he American? It seems only natural that people would want to buy at least a little gift for their bf or gf. Does he suffer from depression or anxiety? Is he autistic? Does he have any feelings? It just seems there's something missing here.

 

Maybe you've just got to train him, like you've been doing. Tell him you expect him to buy you and hand you a gift for your birthday, and for Christmas too, if you're Christian, and you will buy him a little gift too for his birthday and for Christmas too. And that's the responsibility of being a boyfriend. And you don't care what he thinks and that's just the deal. The human race has been giving gifts to their loved ones for thousands of years, and it's a customary thing to do. And that's that. There's no debate. And he'll appreciate the custom as years go on.

[abitbroken]

My guy did not grow up in a family that made a big deal of birthdays. Sometimes he got things, sometimes he didn't. My family makes birthdays a GIANT DEAL. gifts, dinner out, dessert out, cake the next day, and if birthday is not on the weekend, some outing on the weekend. And a family party. I APPRECIATE how he bakes me a cake for my birthday (he is not a cook at all - but makes a huge effort planning it out and figuring out something new). I get gifts and surprises from my family. It took me a year or two to adjust -- but i love it because he is so thoughtful in what he does.

 

If he didn't grow up with anyone making his birthday a big deal - why do you not just appreciate what you get from relatives if this guy is great in other ways? just know he's not a birthday guy? he doesn't want you to give him gifts, so instead why not plan a date or something and just get over yourself??

[abitbroken]

i'm really, really not hard to please and i really really don't ask for too much.

 

Yes you are.

 

i'm more of the sentimental type where i would rather have a homemade gift or a thoughtful gift or just really awesome words in a card.

 

Not everyone is a poet or comfortable with writing. Making a homemade gift or writing someone a dedication in a card is not what everyone finds comfortable. Why not find something that is comfortable to him - if going out to dinner on your birthday or something is something he is more comfortable with - just being together - then do that. i would never expect my brother to make me something. its not him

[Wiseman2]

Stop showering him with gifts. It's rude to try to buy people and obligate them. Don't dish out what you can't take. Don't attack people. Stop expecting people to be like you.

 

Also this was a rather to the point and true exchange:

i said "most people like gifts, you're a very rare exception" and he said "and most people aren't asexual"