Feeling disconnected from spouse

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately you can't keep monitoring his progress/or lack of it or keep making ultimatums that he "fix this". You are neither helping him, enabling him nor hindering him. You just resent being with some who presents himself as a mental cripple.

 

It seems you do not want to divorce and do not want to continue putting up with it. So you think the answer is to "fix him", "tell him he has to fix it", etc. Have you considered hat you just shouldn't be married to this man, whatever his issues are?

 

When you are ready to stop being a martyr and trying to "fix him", you will be ready to set yourself free, admit it's not working, never has and that you have to face divorce rather than this familiar and complacent tug-of-war you two engage in.

years' date=' which led to resentment and detachment...[/b']

 

Usually he enjoys the time home without me, and I spend the trip feeling sad and missing him. I feel like I have a huge wall up now and I don’t know if I can let him back in.

[Alexie77]

Unfortunately you can't keep monitoring his progress/or lack of it or keep making ultimatums that he "fix this". You are neither helping him, enabling him nor hindering him. You just resent being with some who presents himself as a mental cripple.

 

It seems you do not want to divorce and do not want to continue putting up with it. So you think the answer is to "fix him", "tell him he has to fix it", etc. Have you considered hat you just shouldn't be married to this man, whatever his issues are?

 

When you are ready to stop being a martyr and trying to "fix him", you will be ready to set yourself free, admit it's not working, never has and that you have to face divorce rather than this familiar and complacent tug-of-war you two engage in.

 

I think I’m just really confused about what I want and what needs to happen right now. I don’t want to leave him, but I can’t see a future with him either. I said we could start couples therapy again, but I just don’t know what it will take for me to check back into the relationship and j don’t know if a therapist could guide us through that.

 

I never thought of myself as a martyr, but maybe you’re right. I don’t want to continue suffering, but I also don’t want to hurt him. Part of me feels like I’ve given him enough time to get his life together and I can’t invest any more time, but then part of me feels like I owe it to him to at least try therapy again and try to make things better and hopefully have a better attitude towards the relationship.

[Wiseman2]

If you stay in this knowing it's getting worse rather than better, it's time to reflect on your issues and stop distracting yourself trying to "fix his issues". Nothing "needs to happen". What happens is up to you making it happen.

 

Accept that the only person you can change or fix is you. Pity, resentment and martyrdom are not a healthy basis for a relationship and you are contributing equally to that dysfunction so stop pointing fingers at him.

I think I’m just really confused about what I want and what needs to happen right now. I don’t want to leave him, but I can’t see a future with him either.

[Alexie77]

*Update* Things have gotten more tense between us. We went to a therapy session with a new therapist, but decided not to continue as she required weekly appointments at $165 per session, and we cannot afford that. I did almost all of the talking, the therapist said we’re not even ready for couples therapy cause we have (mostly he has) so much to work on individually. She said she’s not saying we should separate, but that he’s not healthy enough, mentally or physically, to be in a relationship. He was angry afterwards, saying that she sided with me the whole time, but he never spoke up.

 

Two weeks later we were having daily arguments about lack of intimacy, and my unwillingness to allow him to try fix things. I was so stressed and ended up hanging out with coworkers after work for 2 hrs just cause I was dreading going home. When I finally came home he flipped out and threatened to leave and go to a hotel. He didn’t end up leaving, but then when I got home from work the following day he surprised me with a therapy session with a new therapist. So without warning, I had to jump in the car and attend the session immediately after arriving home from work. At this session he talked the entire time, getting loud and even cursing several times. I felt like he did take responsibility for his issues, but also misrepresented several events to make me look bad. She wants us to come back for solo sessions. I said I’d go, but I’m feeling so emotionally checked out that I don’t know how it will help.

 

I feel like we’ve become so good as just roommates, and I would miss having that connection and relationship with him. But I don’t miss him as a husband because I don’t feel like he ever really acted like one.

 

I’m just so back and forth about this. I can’t imagine myself in a relationship with someone else, but can’t imagine a future with him; not one where we progress past where we are at right now. And I feel like if we separated, my life would be much less stressful, but even more lonely. And we signed a year lease at a new apartment that neither of us can afford alone, so that definitely complicates things. And fortunately we do not have kids, but then i think about how I really do want children and since we’ve been together for so long, how are we still not ready for that??? I just don’t think we’ll ever be at that point and since I’m getting older I’m afraid of spending any more time trying to figure that out.

 

I think I’m afraid of hurting him, and also afraid that if I say we should separate that I’ll immediatly feel like I’ve made a mistake but it’ll be too late cause I don’t think he would come back if I end things. I guess I’m just really confused still.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. It's a tough spot. 😕 Perhaps with whatever therapy has been agreed upon, time will lead you to do what you feel is best.

 

For example that if you do want a real family and kids, you'll have to face starting over. Many people would prefer that to limping along dreading being with who they are with.

Two weeks later we were having daily arguments about lack of intimacy, and my unwillingness to allow him to try fix things. I was so stressed and ended up hanging out with coworkers after work for 2 hrs just cause I was dreading going home. I really do want children. I just don’t think we’ll ever be at that point and since I’m getting older I’m afraid of spending any more time trying to figure that out.

[Starlight925]

I feel like if we separated, my life would be much less stressful, but even more lonely.

 

So you've made your choice right there: you're choosing to keep your "roommate" for fear of loneliness. You're choosing the stress of being married to this man-child who won't see to his own issues over your own fears of coming home to an empty apartment.

 

And no, the one-year lease you've already signed isn't a reason to stay for another year. It's an excuse. Look into the cost of getting out of your lease, or of talking to apartment management to move into a smaller unit alone, or heck, both of you move out and each take smaller units on your own. Some sort of a deal like that.

 

He's an adult, not a 9 year-old. He's making a choice not to take his meds and not to seek proper treatment. You are choosing to baby him (note, I didn't use the word "enable", because that's too generous).

[ThatwasThen]

Enabling... if the shoe fits...

[Lester]

"...which annoyed me because I had been telling him this for years!"

- Wives always think their men listen and think like they do.

 

He has a problem that could most likely be fixed with toastmasters.

The problem is, he, like so many husbands, won't do anything until faced with loss.

 

Clever wives understand this and use progressive loss to jolt them out of their comfort zone. (It never involves an affair.)

[ThatwasThen]

Alexie, I think you should try individual therapy with a counselor proficient in codependency issues, read everything you can on codependency and take your life with him one day at a time while you spend time with your therapist working on issues of codependency. I think once you learn about boundaries and not lowering them for others, you'll find the strength to, at the very least, stop enabling him to stagnate in his anxiety and anti-social behavior. With your own therapy you may even find you don't have to worry about him if you leave him because you'r finally looking after yourself.

 

Good luck. Know that he's not going to change as long as he knows you're going to be there helping him stay in his present state of uninvolved husband.

[Wiseman2]

Agree. You need to do what's best for you, pull back and focus on yourself and leave him to his own neurosis, without working around it, waiting for him to "fix it", etc. Even if he does go through the motions of "fixing it", what makes you believe it won't backslide, particularly with your ingrained habit of enabling him?

Clever wives understand this and use progressive loss to jolt them out of their comfort zone.