I don't know what's wrong with me

[dg9159]

I've been in an LDR for almost a year, we've been having trouble for months. Mostly because we both have different plans for the near/far future. However every time we meet we seem to "forget" about the problems. But soon after we're not together again we both start to get sad to the point where I felt depressed (still do) and so does she. We've discussed breaking up but only discussed it. I have at least another year in an LDR and I don't see myself going through the pain again. I know that I should break up but when I set a day to do it and the day arrives I get crippling anxiety and so much doubt that I'm just unable to do it. She has also considered breaking up but I've never asked her what stops her. What's wrong with me? Most people I know would have ended it by now. I really can't stand the sadness and pain anymore but sometimes I think that extreme anxiety I get is my body telling me I shouldn't break up, but soon after my body and mind also tell me that I should. I'm really stuck, we both are, we're about to break up almost at the same time when one of us will visit so sometimes we say "maybe it will be better after we meet" but it's only better for a couple of days. I need some advice, please.

[DanZee]

Well, I'm guessing you're clinging together because of emotional dependency. That you're both afraid you're not going to be able to find someone else so you cling to the relationship you do have.

 

You both have to get out more. Meet new people. Socialize. Make friends. Get out and go to concerts and events. Go for walks. Go hiking. Skyping each other to say how sad you are is a waste of time. You've both made your decisions. If it makes it any easier, you don't have to end your friendships, but stop spending all your time on the Internet. Accept the fact that neither of you want to budge from your positions and move on. Find someone you can date for real.

[reinventmyself]

I've been in a similar position and what made it easier was putting my focus into my personal life.

I cultivated the friendships I already had. Made some new ones. Got busy and filled up my days off with activities.

 

When you are weighing the pros and cons and you get to a place that life is really easier on the other side, saying good bye to a relationship that no longer works is not as difficult as it might have been before.

[No1]

out of curiosity.. how did you two "meet"? Are you constantly on the net gaming or otherwise? Do you feel more comfortable expressing your feelings online rather than face to face?

I think DanZee assessment was correct. Fear and the unknown is your greatest obstacle.

[dg9159]

No we actually met at a bar and dated for about 5-6 months before I moved away. I guess the main fear is that of hurting her and also the fear of the "unknown"

[No1]

You know what will happen if you stay in a bad situation for fear of hurting someone? You will have resentment build over time, and as is surfaces, you two will fight more and more. Little things become big things and you are going to become more unhappy and you will take it out on her. Eventually you will sabotage the relationship just so she is the one that breaks it off with you.

Or you can just break up with her and this way both of you move on. It will hurt her, but she will get over it. She will find someone who is better for her, you will find someone better for you. Don't be afraid of the unknown.. Remember, its hard to discover new lands if you are afraid of losing sight of the shore.